Check out my HEMI

2008-12-20T16:32:00.003-05:00

Quick Picks = Big Loser

Made my quicks real pick without any pithy commentary, which results in a 6-9 week. Well, this will be the last week for Hemi picks as week 17 betting can be for fools. I won't join them. So a merry x-mas to all and to all here's to a Packers win......

Baltimore Ravens at Dallas Cowboys -5½ - DFW - Boys have found their way and Ravens are incapable of scoring points.

New Orleans Saints at Detroit Lions +7 - DTW - My pity pick of the week, but hey the Lions keep covering and the Saints have no D.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Tennessee Titans +2½ - PIT - Starting to show, stop Lendale and CJ and Kerry Collins stinks. Steelers have best D and want to show they are really back.

San Francisco 49ers at St. Louis Rams +5 - SFO - Rams have packed it in. They know their coach won't be back, but I guess the same is true of the 49ers. But Rams are so very bad.

Cincinnati Bengals at Cleveland Browns -3 - CLE - Battle for Ohio. But this is in the pound. Browns.

Miami Dolphins at Kansas City Chiefs +3½ - MCI - Just have this feeling. Will be cold and Chiefs roll with Thigpen.

Arizona Cardinals at New England Patriots -8 - BOS - Struggled with this one. Pats have everything to play for, Arizona really not much. Bill will continue to try and run up the score to prove to himself he is still a great coach even as the Pats miss the playoffs.

San Diego Chargers at Tampa Bay Buccaneers -3½ - TPA - Bucs needs this.

Houston Texans at Oakland Raiders +7 - IAH - Houston going to show they are the new dog in town in the South starting next year. Watch out.

New York Jets at Seattle Seahawks +3½ - EWRa - Jets need a win and will crush the Hawks.

Buffalo Bills at Denver Broncos -6½ - BUF - Come on Bills, show some damn respect for yourself.

Atlanta Falcons at Minnesota Vikings -3 - MSP - Vikings clinch here, Ryan gets frustrated as Turner can't run the ball.

Philadelphia Eagles at Washington Redskins +5 - IAD - Skins stink, but come on. Eagles beat a bad Browns team. Still somewhat of a rivalry here and going Skins.

Carolina Panthers at New York Giants -3½ - CLT - Just have this feeling the Panthers will run and run and run and run. No one can stop Steve Smith and with weather bad, Eli will struggle and cry.

Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears -4 - GBR - Last hope to save the season. Lets get that C

2008-12-14T12:47:00.002-05:00

Keep Flying

The codes keep me rolling. A nice 10-5 record for last week, overall 92-57-1. Quick picks below

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Atlanta Falcons -5½ - ATL

Tennessee Titans at Houston Texans +3 - BNA

Washington Redskins at Cincinnati Bengals +6½ - CVG

Seattle Seahawks at St. Louis Rams +2½ - SEA

Green Bay Packers at Jacksonville Jaguars +2½ - GRB

San Francisco 49ers at Miami Dolphins -5½ - MIA

Detroit Lions at Indianapolis Colts -17 - DTW

San Diego Chargers at Kansas City Chiefs +5½ - SAN

Buffalo Bills at New York Jets -8 - BUF

Minnesota Vikings at Arizona Cardinals -3½ - PHX

Denver Broncos at Carolina Panthers -7½ - CLT

New England Patriots at Oakland Raiders +7 - OAK

Pittsburgh Steelers at Baltimore Ravens -3 - PIT

New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys -3 - EWRa

Cleveland Browns at Philadelphia Eagles -14 - CLE

2008-12-14T12:05:00.003-05:00

Good to be back in the saddle again.

And who knew! Somehow there was $10.55 left in my sportsbook.com account, I guess we could file this one under Christmas Miracles. So I decided to bet it all on a 5 team parlay which I'll call my own personal economic stimulus plan. On a completely unrelated note, nothing like starting LaDell Betts in your fantasy fooball playoff game.

GB @ JAX (+2.5)
DET @ IND (-17)
WAS (-6.5) @ CIN
TB(+3) @ ATL
SF @ MIA(-6)
SEA (-2.5) @ STL
TN (-3) @ HOU
PIT(+3) @ BAL
DEN(+7.5) @ CAR
SD(-5.5) @ KC
MIN(+3) @ AZ
NE(-7) @ OAK
NY(+3) @ DAL
CLE(+14) @ PHI

Guess I like my road teams.

2008-12-12T09:48:00.004-05:00

Oui Suck

It has been a pretty wild couple months since I quit betting on football (regularly) in favor of betting on options. I've been up and down and over and out. Ups and (mostly) downs, strikes and (mostly) gutters. I sometimes tell myself and others that even though I may be way down, I'm learning a lot. Ppphttt. It's a very unforgiving game, options. But it has been fun and it forces you to keep up with the news.

One thing I have always enjoyed after a big down market day is looking for the inevitable head-in-hands photo of the trader to accompany the article entitled "DOW plunges 350 points on higher than expected unemployment" or some such shit. Oh, Mr. Trader, you look so saaaad! Awwww. You need a big hug, don't you fella? It's OK. There, there. It wasn't your fault you lost billions of investor dollars today. Buck up, soldier!

Out of this love, a new blog was born yesterday -- Head-In-Hands. Unlike this anything-goes, wild wild west, stick-it-in-anywhere-you-want brand of blog, Head-In-Hands will be more focused to...head-in-hands related content.

Oh, and I changed my name to Trader Rick after a forgotton series of commercials I used to enjoy as a young boy. If you can remember what product Trader Rick was associated with, put it in the comments. I'll be impressed if you get it right. I don't even think Googling will help you. On to football -->

It's an exciting time to be a Detroit Lions fan. I feel like this season is the masterpiece produced by the great artist who dies just before its greatness sweeps the world and is left to take in all of the fame posthumously. And that artist is of course Matt Millen.

There is little disputing that this Lions team is the greatest 0-13 team in NFL history. Any 0-13 team can go out there and get there ass handed to them every week. The 2008 Lions, on the other hand, goes out there just about every week and makes you think they might just win. Their sublime losing drives my hungover, half-masted self out of the apartment and into an area establishment wearing my alternate edition silver jersey with the faded "C. Rogers" nameplate (I maintain that Charles Rogers - the original Lions first round wide receiver - was a solid pick. He dominated like no other college receiver I have ever seen other than maybe Calvin Johnson) to see them lose in high style. A great tragedy makes you believe in the possibility of success even though it is certain that fate will keep that from happening. That said, this week will not be one of those close Lions losses.

COLTS (-17.5) vs Lions

RAMS (even) vs SeaMen

JETS (-7) vs Bills

DOLPHINS (-6) vs 49ers

CHIEFS (+4.5) vs Chargers

Packers (-2.5) @ Jaguars

TEXANS (+3) vs Titans

BENGALS (+7) vs Redskins

Buccaneers (+3) at FALCONS

CARDINALS (even) vs Vikings

Patriots (even?) @ RAIDERS

Broncos (+7) @ PANTHERS

Steelers (+2) @ RAVENS

Giants (+3) @ COWBOYS

EAGLES (-14) vs Browns

2008-12-07T12:24:00.002-05:00

Airport Codes Lead The Way To.........................

A nice 9-4-0 week. Bringing yearly NFL mark to 82-52-1. Getting closer to my goal. Thinking maybe $1 per call, plus another $.50 for the lock of week pick, which unlike other prognosticators have to be truly special.

Minnesota Vikings at Detroit Lions - +10 - MSP - Was first in list and have leaning towards a nice lock of week. Though with the game not on TV and no one there, maybe the team will have no pressure. But sorry, MSP is going to rock the lions so bad, it's going to be sad.

Cincinnati Bengals at Indianapolis Colts -13½ - IND - Do we see the same old colts here? Or maybe CVG shows some respect? Yes and no. IND all the way. Too many points though for LOW.

Atlanta Falcons at New Orleans Saints -3 - ATL - Hmm.....Saints play much better in domes, but that's against non-dome teams. Both play in domes, so it's Super vs. Georgia. ATL marches on to the worst to first legacy that is the NFC South

Philadelphia Eagles at New York Giants -7 - PHL - Just don't see EWRa focusing after all these gunshots and investigations. PHL will come to play to show they ain't dead yet.

Houston Texans at Green Bay Packers -7 - IAH - I just don't see the Pack covering this with their porous defense. I'm just hoping they win.

Cleveland Browns at Tennessee Titans -14 - CLE - When has Tennessee deserved a line like this? We know CLE's troubles, but they still (whoops, just read who is the starting QB). Switching, to BNA. Lots of points, but BNA can clinch.

Jacksonville Jaguars at Chicago Bears -6½ - ORD - So we know ORD can only beat the Lions in the NFC North and any other non-NFC North team.

New York Jets at San Francisco 49ers +4 - SFO - Mike has em playing out in gay-frisco. EWRb maybe pulls this out, but go SFO

New England Patriots at Seattle Seahawks +7 - BOS - Bill doesn't like to lose and to lose by lots of points, he takes it out on the next team. Check it out. Plus SEA is bad.

Kansas City Chiefs at Denver Broncos -9 - MCI - Denver is Ok and knows how to win sometimes, KC is Ok and never can win. Neither play D. Should be a fun one. But still see a road C here.

Miami Dolphins at Buffalo Bills -1½ - MIA - Stupid Bills. They decide to play their one Toronto game against the Phins, which would normally be a guaranteed W. Changing pick here, MIA all the way.

Dallas Cowboys at Pittsburgh Steelers -3½ - PIT - Sorry boys. No marion, means no C.

St. Louis Rams at Arizona Cardinals -14 - STL - Quite a line here. Rams will cover this somehow.

Washington Redskins at Baltimore Ravens -6 - IAD - Skins always seem to pull out good games against better opponents on the road. Will be virtually no scoring, but IAD maybe wins.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Carolina Panthers -3 CLT - Home team covers here.

2008-11-30T12:44:00.002-05:00

Home stretch

Well here we are. Week 13. Fantasy regular seasons are wrappping up. The playoff picture is starting to shape up. The Lions still searching for their first victory. Ahh.

Bills (-6.5) VS 49ers
West coast teams can't play on the east coast this year, esp. at 1pm. Also, I haven't checked the weather, but I bet it will be cold in Buffalo.

Saints (+4.5) @ Bucs
I have a feeling the Saints are gonna go on a bit of a run here. I think the trip to London really messed with them. Plus they need this much more than the Bucs.

Panthers (+3) @ Pack
Pack looked bad last week.

Giants (-4) @ Redskins
Giants are too good. Even without Plaxico. How do you think this happened? Did he sit down and the gun was tucked into his belt? Did he try to put it in his belt and it went off? Was it in a holster? I'm dying to know.

Dolphins (-7) @ Rams
The Rams are very bad. Too bad the Lions don't have them on the schedule. They might actually cover.

Ravens (-7) @ Bungals
Ugh. I'm glad I don't have to watch this.

Colts (-4.5) @ Browns
This line confuses me.

Jets (-7) VS Broncos
The Bronocs aren't quite west coast, and the game is at 4 so earlier rules may not apply. But the Broncos stink.

Falcons (+6) @ Chargers
Seems like the Chargers are favored by quite a bit. not sure why.

Pats (-2) VS Steelers
Pats really need this one, and they are at home.

Radiers (-3) VS Cheifs
They say that home field is ususally worth around 3 points in the spread. Makes a lot of sense if you look at this line.

Vikings (-3) Vs Bears
The Bears have had a hard time stopping the run the last few weeks (of course except for vs the Lions). Not good with AP in town.

Jags (+3) @ Texans
A classic matchup for MNF. Good work NFL.

Last Week- 9-7-1 (includes thanksgiving)
Season- 70-57-3

2008-11-30T11:44:00.004-05:00

Picks be a Lady

Need this week. Two roughly .500 weeks in a row, with last week 6-8-1. Overall 73-48-1. Respectable, but not good enough to start up one's one 800 number. With that, going back to airport codes.......

BWI at CVG - +7 - Damn AFC North. These teams still don't like each other and even with CVG playing well at home, I see Fitzpatrick in thr ground a lot. BWI

IND at CLE - +5 - Colts are much better than these browns and with D Anderson back, Browns not much better, but this team for some reason will win the games it needs to save Romeo's job (and Braylon's). CLE

MIA at STL - +7 - Just don't see the Rams being competitive anymore. MIA

CLT at GRB - -3 - Pack is mad after being humiliated. Though Panthers will run all over them, I'm hoping for a miracle push. GRB

MSY at TPA - -4½ - Not sure why this line is so high, MSY is still solid. Take the points.

EWRa at IAD - +4 - Giants all way. EWRa

SFO at BFK - -7 - Bills keep pouring it on and those west coast teams don't fare to well in the ET time zone.

ATL at SAN - -5½ - Vegas still no respect for those Falcons. ATL

MCI at OAK -3 - Oakland starting to play better and 3 points against an awful Chiefs team should be a piece of cake. OAK

PIT at BOS -1 - Um, yeah PIT.

DEN at EWRa -8 - I know Jets are much better than Denver, but Shanny will get his boys up to the task and keep it close. Especially after being embarrassed last week. DEN

ORD at MSP -3½ - Bears can not beat a team in the NFC North outside the lions. Vikings stuff Forte and that's it. MSP

NIP at IAH - -3 - Have the Texans really arrived? I say yes they have. IAH

2008-11-27T12:21:00.002-05:00

Turkey Day

Happy Thanksgiving all.

Titans (-11.5) @ Lions
Luckily this game is the early game. Get it out of the way. If this game was on during dinner, there would be much vomiting. My predicition: 300 yards rushing for the Titans.

Cowboys (-11.5) VS Seahawks
Ugh. Good work NFL.

Cards (+3) @ Eagles
Well, it was a good try by the NFL to have a competitive game. Who knew the Eagles would be so bad.

2008-11-23T12:56:00.002-05:00

The Fix Is In!

After last weeks debacle in Pittsburgh, the gambling community is a bit skittish to say the least. Between the penalties and that phantom forward pass, it's pretty clear the NFL wanted the Chargers to cover. The fact that there was over $100 million more bet on the Steelers than on the Chargers is the icing on the cake. Fear not, we are here to help you.

Texans (+3) @ Browns
Cleveland stinks if not on MNF.

Bills (-3) @ Chiefs
The Bills need to right the ship, luckily they get KC.

Jets (+5.5) @ Titans
This is the end of the undefeated road for the Titans

Dolphins (+2) VS PAts
I hate Bosoton fans. This pick is for spite.

49ers (+9.5) @ Cowboys
I don't think the Cowboys have put it all back together yet.

Lions (+8) VS Bucs
My fantasy team has been the anti-Lions. They were 10-0, now they are 10-1. Look out for the reverse from the Lions.

Ravens (-2) VS Eagles
Eagles have issues.

Bears (-7) @ Rams
Trent Green?!? Get Fucked!!

Vikings (+2.5) @ Jags
I pick the Vikings every week. One of these weeks it will work.

Panthers (+1) @ Falcons
Who knows with this one?

Broncos (-8.5) Vs Raiders
Shanahan still hates Al Davis. Nothing like kicking your enemy while they;re down. Right Buckeyes?

Redskins (-3) @ Seahawks
Redskins need this one. Seahawks need new players.

Giants (-3) @ Cards
Giants are too good.

Colts (+3) @ Chargers
This line doesn't make any sense. Unless the NFL is involved, that is.

Packers (+2) @ Saints
Why are the Saints favored exactly?

2008-11-23T12:12:00.002-05:00

No Title = All Glory

The glory of being unchained to anything a post season in any sport means one can really focus on real life and games we don't care too much about, which means this will be a glorius AFE year. Now if only those damn Bills can get me a C.

San Francisco 49ers at Dallas Cowboys -9½ - SFO - SF does stink, but Mike gets em mad. Prob on wrong end of this one, but screw the boys.

Philadelphia Eagles at Baltimore Ravens -1½ - BAL - If the Eagles couldn't score against the Bengals, what the heck is going to happen when they play Ray "Le"-wis.

New York Jets at Tennessee Titans -5½ - NYJ - Jets and entire AFC East is overrated, but this is lots of points.

Buffalo Bills at Kansas City Chiefs +3 - BUF - Come on Bills. Take your missed FG anger out on the Cheifs.

Minnesota Vikings at Jacksonville Jaguars -2½ - MIN - Just have a feeling MIN finally wins a tough road game.

New England Patriots at Miami Dolphins +1½ - MIA - Time for Phins to shine.

Chicago Bears at St. Louis Rams +7 - STL - Bears can not stop a thing. Neither can Rams, but don't see a blow out.

Houston Texans at Cleveland Browns -3 - CLE - Browns have hit their stride.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Detroit Lions +8 - DET - Are the Lions actually improving? Can Duante ruin the oh-fer Turkey Day game. I say yes.

Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos -8½ - DEN - Sorry Raiders, Broncos want to beat you down.

Washington Redskins at Seattle Seahawks +3 - SEA - What happens when NFC East times travel out West? Usually it's a close one.

New York Giants at Arizona Cardinals +3 - NYG - Wow. I don't get this line again.

Carolina Panthers at Atlanta Falcons -1 - CAR - CAR stomp all over that BC kid

Indianapolis Colts at San Diego Chargers -3 - IND - Somehow charges will keep it close but not cover.

Green Bay Packers at New Orleans Saints -2½ - GB - Just because.

Last Week: 8-7
Season: 67-40

2008-11-16T12:52:00.002-05:00

Snow!!

It's football weather here in the D. Of course it doesn't matter since the Lions play in a warehouse (and are at Carolina today). I just wanted to tell you how much I hate Ford Field. Everyone in the area says 'Oh, It's such a great stadium.' No it's not. Football is supposed to be played outside. Period. If they can do it in GB and Chicago, both which have worse weather than the D, why not here? The answer is simple. The Ford's know that the current streak of non-sellouts (which has meant blackouts for 3 of the last 4 Lion home games), would have started a long time ago if fans had to sit outside. They built a roof cause the team STINKS and always will stink. A retractable roof would even suffice. I went to a game last year where it was 65 and sunny outside, yet I had to go INSIDE to watch the game. I was upset. The worst part was the little sliver of sunshine that broke through one of windows and shone onto the field to taunt me. I have never been so mad at sunshine.

My picks:

Lions (+14.5) @ Carolina
Lions will not win this game, but 14 points is too many, with Carolina looking to whoever they are playing next week.

Bears (+3.5) @ Packers
The battle for the NFC North lead will come down to a field goal. One way or the other, that's a cover for me.

Giants (-7) VS Ravens
The Giants are too good for the Ravens and their rookie QB. With all of the shittalk from ray lewis, the G-men will have no mercy.

Dolphins (-10.5) VS Raiders
Once again, the Raiders are very very bad.

Eagles (-9) @ Bungals
The Eagles really need this game and can't afford to overlook the Bungals. They only way the Bungals keep games close is if they are being overlooked.

Falcons (-7) VS Broncos
The Broncos have a very very bad defense. Micheal Turner will run wild.

Texans (+8.5) @ Colts
The Colts just aren't that good.

Saints (-6) @ Chiefs
The Saints can't be that bad, can they?

Vikings (+5.5) @ Bucs
The Vikings are playing well, and All Day might have taken the next step toward greatness last week after taking the team on his back for the winning score after his 4th down fumble. At least I hope so, since he is a keeper for me in fantasy.

Cards (-3) @ Seahawks
The seahawks are bad, the Cards are decent. If this was any team other than the Cards that were playing this well, the line would be at least 6.

49ers (-7) VS Rams
I hear Mike Singletary has a hairy ass. Respect.

Titans (-3) @ Jags
Still no believers in the Titans in gambling land. They are 8-1 ATS.

Steelers (-5) VS Chargers
The chargers just don't have it this year.

Redskins (+2) VS Cowboys
Tony Romo's wittle fingwer is better. I'm not convinced the Cowboys are.

Bills (-5) VS Browns
The Bills will be pumped for their first home MNF game in living memory.

Last Week- 11-3 (actually 2 weeks ago)
Season- 54-42-2

2008-11-16T11:52:00.000-05:00

On a MastRo-"ll'

Wins pile up for me, losses for the Blue. Guess Martin et. al. looking a little silly. RR could be the worst coach we have ever had. Inability to adapt his schemes to our players, inability to coach less turnovers, and a bend and usually break defense. To blame Lloyd, is a disgrace. Anyway, back to the pros for a little happiness:

Detroit Lions at Carolina Panthers -14 - It's really tough to follow the Lions in SE Michigan. Really not sure what happened last week, but they did got killed at home. Though bad teams play better on the road, but Panthers are good. This is not close. CAR

Denver Broncos at Atlanta Falcons -6½ - Just have a feeling DEN going to keep this close. I think I could be very wrong, but DEN.

Houston Texans at Indianapolis Colts -8 - Texans starting to lose steam. A young team gets bowled over a redugent Colts team. IND

Oakland Raiders at Miami Dolphins -10 - Sorry raiders. Phins have something to prove with the
Jets win over the Pats. The AFC East is anyone's game. MIA

Minnesota Vikings at Tampa Bay Buccaneers -4½ - Going with Buccs. TB

New Orleans Saints at Kansas City Chiefs +5½ - Going with upset here. KC been keeping close and both defenses are awful.

Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers -3½ - GB. First nice cold game. Grant running better.

Philadelphia Eagles at Cincinnati Bengals +9 - Fitzpatrick has found his way, though Eagles D will disrupt big-time. Very tough to call this one, but PHI.

Baltimore Ravens at New York Giants -7 - Really? Only 7? NYG

St. Louis Rams at San Francisco 49ers -7 - SF. No S Jackson spells doom and Singletary has them believing.

Arizona Cardinals at Seattle Seahawks +3 - I see Cardinals flopping here. SEA

San Diego Chargers at Pittsburgh Steelers -5 - SD is not bad.

Tennessee Titans at Jacksonville Jaguars +3 - Wow, another low line. I must be missing something. TEN.

Dallas Cowboys at Washington Redskins +1½ - This is a toughy. DAL has pay-back in their mind.

Cleveland Browns at Buffalo Bills -5 - Come on BUF. Snap out of it.

No locks, but strong leans with the NYG and IND.

2008-11-15T18:18:00.003-05:00

No Comprende

One thing I don't understand at all is how Mexican soccer telecasts do not have the score printed constantly on the screen during the game, yet display the team abbreviations, the half the game is in, and the minutes played along with the network symbol. I am currently watching Monterrey vs UNAM (United Nations of American Mexico). In the top left of my screen it says T (for Telemundo) MON PUM (I think UNAM nickname is Pumas) and below it says 1T (1st half) and the minutes played in the half. The score is 2-0 Monterrey but there is no way of knowing this from the screen. If you're reading this and you understand why the score is extraneous information, explain in the comments.
I should point out that I understand very little Spanish. What I do know I have mostly learned from playing and watching soccer with Spanish speakers. Mano = hand. Chievas=goats. Punta=pussy. Panday-ho=something really bad. The "bollocks" of Spanish. I suppose I should be listening to music as this is kind of like an illiterate person moving his eyes over the words in captions next to the photos in a nudie magazine. Or maybe I should just watch something in English, like football. Speaking of which...

Broncos +230 @ Falcons
Who needs running backs when you have a tightfaced coach?

Dolphins -10 vs. Raiders
I think the Raiders might suck this year.

Ravens +7 @ Giants
Ravens are a "hit-you-in-the-bitch" type team. Brandon Jacobs is going to show up in tight pants.

Texans + 8 @ Colts
What a fucking generic name "Texans" is. BOR-ING! Whoever named the Texans probably has a race horse named "Race Horse".

Titans -3 @ Jaguars
They have to win so that the Oh-Oh Thanksgiving game can happen.

Packers -3.5 vs Bears
Rivalry game. The Lions don't have a rival foe, just the rivalry between hatred and sadness inside every fan.

Eagles -9 @ Bengals
You might think these teams have nothing to do with each other, but one ends in "gles" and the other "gals". Natural rivalry.

Chiefs +200 vs Saints
When a line looks boring, take the moneyline!

Panthers -14 vs Lions
Finally, double digit losses! With this loss I will clinch my bet made before the start of the season that the Lions would win 6 games or fewer.

Vikings +175 @ Buccaneers
Vikings are like Buccaneers but more old school and more heterosexually challenged.

Cardinals -3 @ Seahawks
Beak-on-beak action

Steelers -5 vs Chargers
A good game to bet a lot of money on.

Redskins +1.5 vs Cowboys
Lots of Cowboys fans in DC. Why? They hate their fathers, who deserted their families.

Bills -5 vs Browns
Why are the Browns in prime time so often? Oh yeah, BQ's starting now...

2008-11-11T01:33:00.001-05:00

MastroV Back on Game

A nice 9-4 week. High Lifers only 3-2 though. Time to broaden the number of picks in that s#$%^. Anyway, anyone know how to get a 1-800 number set-up? Time to post my picks for the public as we all know if we were to take this on our own dime, they would all be losers. Piece.

2008-11-09T12:51:00.003-05:00

Went out on Limbs and Fell

Like the Brewers scraping the barrell for coaches, last week I went long and ended up only 6-8. Respectable, but not the MastroV experience one would expect. Brings year record to 50-29-0, which is still respecatble. And here's to the Lions for being blacked out and I get to watch the Pack at home.....

Buffalo Bills at New England Patriots -3½ - BUF - Got to keep riding them. Marshawn getting no respect and this is their year to put it on the Pats.

Tennessee Titans at Chicago Bears +3 - Hmm....Trappy game here. But TEN runs all over Chicago and Sexy-Rexy only looks sexy off the field, not throwing it. TEN

New Orleans Saints at Atlanta Falcons -1½ - Falconies. Saints can't stop a baby carriage rolling up hill.

Seattle Seahawks at Miami Dolphins -7½ - Wow, this is one line I never would have expected at the start of the season. Parcells have them alive and poor seattle had maybe the longest flight capable in the continental US. MIA

Green Bay Packers at Minnesota Vikings -2½ - Go with the Pack. Their ATS when the dog has to be nearly perfect this year.

St. Louis Rams at New York Jets -9½ - Which rams will we see? My guess is the bad one, but I just can't pick EWRb. STL it is.

Baltimore Ravens at Houston Texans -2½ - Texans home favorite against a decent BAL team that keeps surprising. I just don't see Houston winning. BAL

Jacksonville Jaguars at Detroit Lions +6 - JAX is very upset. JAX. Lock of the week.

Carolina Panthers at Oakland Raiders +9½ - OAK hasn't played well in a few weeks. Think they pick it up here just a little. Nah, that's stupid. They were shut-out last week. CAR it is.

Indianapolis Colts at Pittsburgh Steelers -3½ - Don't understand the line. PIT.

Kansas City Chiefs at San Diego Chargers -14½ - KC just isn't that bad. KC

New York Giants at Philadelphia Eagles -3 - Got to take the points, just have to. NYG

San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals -9½ - Zona can blow them out, but Monday night Frank and gang will get pumped up by Singletary. SF.

That's what she said and it's on.

2008-11-09T11:41:00.002-05:00

Jaguars (-6.5) at LIONS
Those Lions will take a much needed break from all this staying close in games business and will brace themselves for a big thumping at the hands of their crazy cat cousins.

Titans (-3) at BEARS
Hope. Progress. Change. Rex Grossman. Loss.

Bills (+3.5) at PATRIOTS
I'll take the team with the sweet grill having running back.

Saints (+1.5) at FALCONS
No Fucking Clue (NFC) game of the week

Rams (+9) at JETS
Because 9 is a big number

DOLPHINS (-7.5) vs Seahawks
Sea Men + Blow Holes = POWER SWALLOW

VIKINGS (-2.5) vs Packers
This is a tough one, like picking between ice fishing and snowmobiling on a nice 5 degree day. I'll take Vikings and hopefully Rogers will continue the tradition of crying all the way back to Green Bay after losing to the Vikings made famous by BF.

RAIDERS (+9.5) vs Panthers
Raiders have good chemistry and heart and loud nerdy fans

Chiefs (+14.5) at CHARGERS
Chargers too prone to big fuckups to take giving over 2 tds

STEELERS (-4) vs Colts
So easy.

EAGLES (-3) vs Giants
Get your watchin' pants on for this one.

TEXANS (-1.5) vs Ravens
Throw out the records for this game because each team should have been 0-0 when this game was supposed to have been played. Texans have Andre the Johnson.

CARDINALS (-9.5) vs 49ers
Cardinals give me hope.

2008-11-03T21:42:00.002-05:00

HEMILection Special

Man, am I drunk. You heard about the "Redskins Rule"? From espn.com:

According to Steve Hirdt of the Elias Sports Bureau, who coined the term "Redskins Rule" in 2000, the following bromide has held true for the past 17 presidential elections: If the Redskins win their last home game prior to Election Day, the party that won the popular vote in the previous election wins the White House; if the Redskins lose, the party that lost the popular vote in the previous election wins.

Arnie and I, when we bet on the same outcome, always lose. So tomorrow, when Obama teabags the shit out of McCain, you can thank us for betting on the Redskins to win. So anyway, who here's cock's hard? This is my first season following It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Wonderful program. So I was watching the episode where they found a glory hole in their bathroom and decided the next day that I would be a glory hole for Halloween. I had no idea how I would do that, but held it in my mind until Halloween after work, when it was finally time to take action.
Step 1. Acquire cardboard.
Step 2. Acquire duct tape.
Step 3. Strap it on.
Result:

I brought a Sharpie out and the interaction was a great success! Did I stick my cock through the glory hole? No, but I had a pretend cock to put through.

I fucked up and forgot to get my picks in, but in place of that I give you predictions in the battleground states...

Democrats (-1250) @ Colorado
Xtreme sports bros will vote for Obama because everyone needs health care, even unemployed mountain climbers with bunk broken boooooones

Democrats (-400) @ Florida
thegreatschlep.com

Republicans (-303) @ Georgia
It's fucking Georgia for Christ sake, don't expect too much.

Republicans (-152) @ Indiana
I went to HS in Indiana and nothing would surprise or please me more than Indiana going blue, but it's so crazy sounding to me that I have to give this one to the reds.

Democrats (-152) @ Mizzou
Don't underestimate the importance of this. We're talking about 11 electoral votes here, and I see it going to Obama.

Republicans (-278) @ Montana
Take the 3 fucking electoral votes, DYING PARTY!

Democrats (-455) @ Ohio
Because the black people in Ohio will vote this time

Democrats (-227) @ North Carolina
Because of the strong Obama ground game

Democrats (-1250) @ Virginia
I called Virginians on Sunday. All who answered the phone were voting for Obama

2008-11-02T12:12:00.002-05:00

No Time

No time to discuss my horrific performance from last week. Might have dropped me under .500 for the year. Anyway, no comments, no wit, here are the picks.

Vikings (-5) VS Texans

Bungals (+7) VS Jags

Bucs (-9.5) @ Chiefs

Browns (-2.5) VS Ravens

Bills (-5) VS Jets

Cards (-3) @ Rams

Lions (+12.5) @ Bears

Pack (+3.5) @ Titans

Dolphins (+4.5) @ Broncos

Falcons (-3) @ Raiders

Giants (-8.5) Vs Cowboys

Eagles (-7) @ Sea hawks

Pats (+6.5) @ Colts

Steelers (+2) @ Redskins

2008-11-02T11:56:00.004-05:00

Suck It and Bet with the Mastro-V

Have only posted less than 50% of the time, but check out these records:

Week 7 - 10-3-0
Week 6 - 10-4-0
Week 3 - 10-3-0

Throw in my High Lifers for those non-Hemi picks and I'm 44-21-0. So, time to provide the wisdom to make y'all some money (and me none of it, because doing it yourself invalidates everything).......(Going full length text, can't keep conservative...)

Baltimore Ravens at Cleveland Browns - -2½ - Ouchie momma. Me no likely this one. AFC North-crap-er. Guess I'll go Browns.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Kansas City Chiefs - +9½ - Chiefs are bad, but they like to play well at home and this is a done. Awful Chief, I'm sure would agree.

New York Jets at Buffalo Bills - -5 - Bills keep rolling. Brett still is from the south and throws INTs away.

Arizona Cardinals at St. Louis Rams - +3 - Kurt Warner homecoming, Dick Vermeil ceremony, the whole fucking place going to be crying about something, which is also the level of play. Rams at home continue their winning ways.

Detroit Lions at Chicago Bears - -12½ - Lions bad yes, but now that Millen is gone you can see everyone trying a little bit harder. No one to blame this disastor on. Go Lioooooonssss!

Houston Texans at Minnesota Vikings - -5½ - Continue lack of respect for the Houstons of Texas.

Green Bay Packers at Tennessee Titans - -3½ - My heart just isn't in this one. In High Lifers I'll keep the pack, but for those that like money, I say stay away. That half point will be brutal. But Pack it is.

Jacksonville Jaguars at Cincinnati Bengals - +7½ - Bengals keep losing badly.

Miami Dolphins at Denver Broncos -4½ - Toughy. Broncos pull off miracle and win. But Miami is starting to believe...But never mind. Broncos roll.

Dallas Cowboys at New York Giants - -8½ - Boys in a funk, but come on. 8.5.

Philadelphia Eagles at Seattle Seahawks +6½ - Who do I hate more? Holmgren or Reid? I say Holmgren. Thrash them.

Atlanta Falcons at Oakland Raiders - +3 -Ok, got to run, quick picks. Atlanta

New England Patriots at Indianapolis Colts -6½ - Pats

Pittsburgh Steelers at Washington Redskins -2 - Skins

2008-10-26T11:51:00.003-05:00

Post your record

A note to the other contributors...Post your records. How are our readers supposed to decide whose advice to follow if they don't know our records. Anyway. Deposit made in the Beekeeper's commode. On to the picks.

Ravens (-8.5) VS Oakland
Raiders re not a good team on at home. They are worse on the road, especially playing a 1pm game.

Saints (+3) VS Chargers
The chargers have the worst pass D in the league and are almost 10000 miles from home. The Saints have Brew Brees.

Jets (-14) VS Chiefs
Can you imagine being 14 point dogs to the Jets? Poor KC.

Bills (+1) @ Dolphins
Buffalo gets no respect. I'll give it to them.

Bucs (+1.5) @ Cowboys
For all the shit that has been talked about the 'Boys, they are still favorites. The curse ofRoy Williams continues. Which one, I have no idea.

Eagles (-9.5) VS Falcons
I would not throw any of my money on this game. 9.5 seems like a lot, but i still went with the Eagles. Who knows?

Pats (-9) VS Rams
Rams fans are happy that their team is no longer compared to the Lions.

Carolina (-5.5) VS Cardinals
I dunno.

Redskins (-7.5) @ Lions
Why only 7.5? I have no idea.

Jags (-7) VS Browns
Kellen Winslow's nuts are full of pus. That sucks.

Giants (+3) @ Steelers
Going with the champs. Esp with Santonio Holmes' reefer issues.

49ers (-5.5) VS Seahawks
Can you believe Seneca Wallace is a starting QB in the NFL? I can't.

Bungals (+9) @ Texans
Here is the Bungals first win. The Texans aren't the kind of team that can beat the Lions and Bungals in back-to-back weeks.

Titans (-4) VS Colts
The Titans always play the Colts tough. Now they are the better team.

Last Week: 7-6-1
Season: 37-31-2

2008-10-26T11:36:00.002-05:00

I myself have to skip the pithy commentary and cut right to the chase, in fact after the Dr. gets off the can, he's gonna need this computer.

Raiders @ Raiders -7
Saints + 3 vs Chargers
Chiefs @ Jets -14
Bills -1.5 @ Dolphins
CBoyz vs Bucs +1.5
Eagles vs Falcons +9
Rams @ Pats -7.5
Cards +4 @ Panthers
Lions vs Redskins -7.5
Browns +7 @ Jags
Steelers -3 vs Giants
49ers vs Seamen +5.5
Bengals +9 @ Texans
Colts +4 @ Titans

2008-10-24T13:59:00.003-05:00

Forcing Focus on Football

I'm having trouble focusing on football. My teams stink - both in reality and fantasy. Bigtime action in the non-sporting markets. Girls have pussies and breasts. Uncooked bacon needs to be cooked and eaten.

But I did manage to strap it on and went out to a bar last Sunday to watch the Lions. My bartender happened to be a Texans fan, wearing a jersey and everything. First Texans fan I've ever seen in person. You see those Texans and Jaguars fans at their stadiums, some of whom have their faces painted, and it turns out they are real people. This guy didn't even have a Texas accent or anything. This week I won't have to leave my apartment to watch the Lions as they are playing at home vs Redskins. I expect Portis to go for 175 on the ground and Lions to turn it over 3+ times. Yet the Lions will probably stay in the game because the Redskins don't blow teams out. Of course they haven't played the Lions yet.

Raiders + 7 @ Raiders
Saints + 3 vs Chargers
Chiefs + 14 @ Jets
Bills -1.5 @ Dolphins
CBoyz -1.5 vs Bucs
Eagles -9 vs Falcons
Rams +7.5 @ Pats
Cards +4 @ Panthers
Lions +7.5 vs Redskins
Browns +7 @ Jags
Steelers -3 vs Giants
49ers -5.5 vs Seamen
Bengals +9 @ Texans
Colts +4 @ Titans

2008-10-19T12:09:00.001-05:00

Mastro "Can 2 great weeks lead me to" V?

Getting long-winded on yo asses today. No more abbreviations, just names and feelings:

San Francisco 49ers at New York Giants (-10) – EWRa is pissed, real pissed. Sorry 49ers, you get to play all the NFC East teams after bad losses, you get crushed.

Pittsburgh Steelers (-8½) at Cincinnati Bengals – As usual the away team wins, and this year, the Bunglers are so bungling it’s pathetic. Thought this should be a 2 TD line, especially with no Carson.

Tennessee Titans at Kansas City Chiefs (+8½) - I like Le Titans (i.e. Giganticos, or something like that), but come on, they aren’t a high-powered offense and KC is at home.

Minnesota Vikings at Chicago Bears (-3) – Ugh, NFC North. Well, we all know it’s gonna be an awful game, but I think Bears are better. Gonna be a push.

San Diego Chargers at Buffalo Bills (-1) – If Edwards plays whole game, gonna be long day for SAN up in the near-great white North.

New Orleans Saints (+3) at Carolina Panthers – Now NFC South games are good games, but you never know what the f---- gonna happen. Saints have all their weapons back. This is an NO win.

Dallas Cowboys at St. Louis Rams (+8) – No ex-vide game named CB. No Homo. Means Boys come out mean and extreme, but Rams have new found life with Haslett. This is real tough, but have to lean with STL.

Baltimore Ravens at Miami Dolphins (-3) – Ech. Another bad game. Dolphins.
Detroit Lions (+10½) at Houston Texans - Two C’s in a row for the Lions? Both away? Signs point to yes.

New York Jets (-3) at Oakland Raiders – So Raiders don’t perform on road where they have no distractions. Now they have all the distractions of playing at home in front of Raiders fans that may actually hurt some players. Revolt happening and this is the start of it all. Favre loves tearing the Raiders new ones.

Indianapolis Colts at Green Bay Packers (+2½) – Pack. Has to be or else me unhappy.

Cleveland Browns (+7½) at Washington Redskins - Browns have confidence (a little) and now go up against a mediocre Skins team, seriously.

Seattle Seahawks (+10.5) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Hawks are real bad. Bucs that good? No

Denver Broncos at New England Patriots (-3) – Pats will not be embarrassed at home on Monday night. Somehow think Shananhans’s balls get so big he costs them the game.

2008-10-19T09:55:00.004-05:00

Welcome back, doc

I have to apologize for failing to make my picks last week. I was out of town for a wedding. Who knew it was harder to find decent internet access in Narragansset, Rhode Island than in Danli, Honduras. But I digress. You may have noticed that the last few weeks, I have not had much to say other than my picks. That ends today. A couple of weeks ago I had the privilege of driving in Barry Obama's motorcade on his visit to the D. I also got to meet him. The photographer is being punished as we speak.

Yes, that is my hand.

For those of you that have never driven in a motorcade, I highly recommend it. It is a unique experience to drive out onto the tarmac and then have the freeway closed off for you by motorcycle cops while you speed by all of the suckers stuck on the exit ramps. The fact that I was the only volunteer that had a secret service agent ride shotgun has nothing to do with the Pakistani origin of my name. I assure you.

But enough of my excuses. On to the business at hand. First I would like to congratulate the Michigan State Spartans on their truly Spartan-like performance yesterday. Any of you that wagered on MSU must never have spent any time in this state. Just as every year at this time, the leaves turn brilliant colors, the MSU Spartans find a way to shit the bed, thus ruining a potentially great season. For the record:

2007- Start 5-2, final 7-6

2006- Start 3-0, final 4-8

2005 Start 4-0, final 5-6

2004 Start 4-3, final 5-7

2003 Start 7-1, final 8-5

I could keep going, but the point has been made. Every year the Spartans start off strong, making their fans believe, 'this is our year'. Every year they shit the bed in their first real challenge. This year has been different in that the Wolverines have been god-awful, so the local talk radio stations are running constant 'Is this the year MSU surpasses Michigan for state supremacy and wins a Big Ten/national title.' The Spartans were kind enough to answer that question for everyone. Thanks guys.

On to the professionals:

Titans (-9) @ Chiefs

The Chiefs are a very bad team and the Titans are a very good team. This does have trap game written all over it, so I will not be placing any of my own money on this game.

Chargers (even) @ Bills

Did the Chargers turn the corner with their victory over the Pats? I am still not convinced, but let's see how Trent Edwards responds to being concussed.

Steelers (-8.5) @ Bungals

Rule #1: If a Harvard statistician is giving you advice on what team to wager on, take it. If a Harvard QB is starting for an NFL team, bet against them.

Ravens (+3) @ Dolphins

A bit puzzling, but the Ravens did get smoked last week. I think they bounce back. The threat of a teammate putting a contract out on your life is a great motivator.

Cowboys (-8) @ Rams

Even Brad johnson can cover 8 in St Louis.

Bears (-3) Vs Vikings

This is the first home team I am picking to cover. Makes me a bit uncomfortable. The vikings just haven't gotten their running game going like everyone expected. I don't think that changes today.

Saints (+3) @ Panthers

Drew Brees is the MVP thus far, and he gets Colston and Shockey back this week. I like the Saints.

49ers (+10) @ Giants

The Giants looked pretty bad last week. I think 10 is a lot to ask vs. a decent 49ers team.

Lions (+10.5) @ Texans

Oh my god! What have I done?!? The Lions??? I should know better.

Jets (-3) @ Raiders

The Jets have seemed to blow out their lesser opponents while shitting the bed vs. the good ones. The Raiders are a lesser opponent.

Browns (+7.5) @ Redskins

I think the Browns may have found their offense last week. We will see if it is enough to cover the 7.5.

Colts (-2.5) @ Packers

The Colts also seemed to find their offense last week. Trouble for the Al Harris-less Packers.

Bucs (-10.5) VS Seahawks

Only the second home team I have picked to cover. Does not seem like good betting strategy. Hell of a choice for a sunday night game, NBC.

Pats (-3) VS Broncos

I still have a hard time betting against the Pats. Esp. with the Broncos horrible D and struggling O.

Season record: 30-25-1

2008-10-19T08:54:00.002-05:00

How do you want to lose this week?

Ok all affinity I may have had for those in the big 12 who rage against the dying of the cover (yes, I hate to say it, you Nebraska....my 2nd least favorite team) died yesterday with Oklahoma letting in that late Kansas touchdown. The moral of the story: The visor (long the headgear of choice for Oklahoma coach Bob Stoops), is basically a figurative and literal signification of a reluctance to cover. Why do I have this odd visual of that Kansas coach screaming "Do you see what happens Danny! Do you! This is what happens when you f*ck a stranger in the ass!" Speaking of signifying, how bout those Spartans? Could anything have typified Michigan State football better than that game yesterday? I guess if there's one winner here, its that forlorn lot of people who are MSU and Lions season ticket holders. They are spared from dragging their forlorn hides to Ford Field today. Knowing their luck, probably Stanton would have gotten a surprise start to put the capper on it all.

Titans v KC (+9)
Lotta points for a home dog there, but I see TN covering....perhaps in the first half and never looking back

SD @ BUF (-1)
I like the Bills. A lot. I really hope they win. I basically have no rooting interest in the NFL anymore so I basically like any team one of my non-Lions fan friends like so I can vicariously claim some other team as 'mine'. If the Lions want to use any part of that statement in any promotional materials, they have my consent.

PIT @ CIN (-9.5)
See above.

IND @ GB (+1.5)
See above....as an aside, Id think that the ethnic composition of these towns designates this game is the von Lucshan game of the week (Sorry Vikings, but you're playing the Bears).

Now that Im done being a homer for my favoritest teams....

BAL @ MIA (-3)
I think Miami isnt as bad as everyone assumed them to be. Baltimore, however, is far crappier than we already know.

DAL @ STL (+7)
Medical technology is really something these days. Tony Romo went from out for 4 weeks to playing in this quasi-exhibition game in the space of four days. I guess they must have stem cell research going on down there. Incidentally, why did Brett Farve find it necessary to encourage Romo to play personally? Maybe somebody else thinks this is a good bet too. I guess those $10 co-pays can add up.

MIN @ CHI (-3)
I guess its time to give some lip service to Minnesota's great run defense and how Chicago cant pass and blah blah blah. God I hate the NFC North.

NO @ CAR (-3)
I guess Shockey's back and Colston too. About time you invalid MFs. Still it wont help, or get your correspondent any fantasy points.

SF @ NYG (-10.5)
I think the Giants are having flashbacks to that game they should have lost to the Lions last year. This was the driving force behind their crapping out last week, and they will not cover against yet another bad team this week. Serves me right for betting on them on Monday.

DET @ HOU (-9.5)
In richer times, we could have said something cute like "guess who's the expansion team?" Not anymore, they're a heavy favorite and deserve more points than this. Id go so far as to call this a lock.

NYJ @ OAK (+3)
I think that probably the Jets will cover here, but I wouldnt recommend betting on this game as you'll then feel inclined to watch it.

CLE @ WAS (-7.5)
Was that Monday night game a fluke? Probably, and thats why you shouldn't listen to me.

SEA @ TB (-10.5)
What do Joe Tiller and Mike Holmgren have in common? They're both owed a lot of back child support by Wilfred Brimley, you're probably thinking. Maybe. But mostly, they just really wish they could use a DVR on their coaching careers right now as this is prime fast-forward material.

DEN @ NE (-3)
Boy did MNF ever come up snake-eyes on this one.

2008-10-18T10:58:00.002-05:00

Latter Day Non-Parlay Coverers

Yes, damn Cougars, during my late night nap the BoSox rallied incredibly and what did you do? Blow my 3 teamer. But serves me right for throwing you in the parlay just for shits and giggles. And that is the lesson. Once again staying away from anything college today unless and interesting cross teamer comes up. How about Rays -1.5 +140 and UT -5.5. Rays young, will forget debacle, somehow will win. UT #1 and happy, will scorch Missou who can't stop.

2008-10-14T20:59:00.002-05:00

10-3-0

Sucky, turned golden for the Mastro. Now time to jump on and put money where mouth was, which is what I did with a nice Packers/Cardinals late game parlay. Go Car---d-eeeeee-naaaaaalllll!!! Was gonna put a call in for a nice Browns / Phills parlay, but chickened out. Next time, please urge me on for a cross-sporter.

2008-10-12T10:35:00.003-05:00

Back when I graduated college I was given some money by relatives, with the thought that I would use it like an adult to kick off my adult life. I decided that buying shares in IBM was a great idea, so after paying off some credit card debt I used about 80% of it on those shares. No more than a week after the purchase, IBM shares dropped more than it had in several years. Then it fell some more. I ended up selling it and buying some cheaper riskier stock that lost me some more money. Then I ended up closing out my positions about a year later with about 25% of what I started with. Ever since then I have been basically living check-to-check.

When I was forced to stay home and recover from my illness recently, daytime sporting options were limited so I turned to CNBC for edutainment. I sat and watched as the major indexes got beaten up day after day. When the DJIA dipped under 10k I really wished I had taken that graduation money and put it under my mattress to save for a time like this. It's gametime, baby! It's time to do some bottom feeding. And it's time to start ~~investing~~ betting on options.

Options are the methadone for sports gambling addicts. The idea is simple: Each stock has an over/under for some game time in the future. Some options are like quarter lines, some are longer. With options, the game only ends when that date associated with the over/under - the expiration date - is passed. There are no commercial breaks during the game, except for the end of trading day to the start of the next one. The two most fun differences between sports betting and options are

1) With options, you don't stop at a fixed amount of profit if the stock gets the over (or under) - your profit depends on how much they cover by.

2) You can cash out an option at any point. If there was a trading market for sports bets, maybe you could sell a sure bet near the end of a game for your peace of mind or you could "surrender" like in blackjack a bet that looks really bad halfway through the first quarter to get something back.

The only problem is that it's hard to know all the stocks as well as you know the NFL or even the college football teams. Just going to take time.

Alas, it's a big commercial in the market so might as well make some money on NFL games. (Cue up that old Ritual de la Habitual tape) HERE WE GO!

Raiders (+7) at SAINTS
Raiders will probably lose another game they should have won, by fewer than a touchdown. A real presser would parlay Raiders + 7 with the Saints money line. I ain't that stupid.

Ravens (+3.5) at COLTS
Back when I lived with the Battleship, some game was on that I had money on and in a fit of excited drunkenness I shouted "Hit 'em in the bitch!". Complete nonsense that was enjoyed by all. The Colts are going to get hit in their bitch today.

Bengals (+10) at JETS
Jets aren't good enough to be a 10 pt fav against anyone other than the Rams and Lions. Bengals stayed close against the other NJ team so they should be ok in this one.

BUCS (-1.5) vs Panthers
Just because I don't want to take four straight road dogs

VIKINGS (-13) vs Lions
MOOOOO! Baaaaah! Oink oink! Farm-better's special of the week, pt 1.

Bears (-3) at FALCONS
Might as well parlay this with the under 43.5

PHINS (+3) at TEXANS
What a joke of a line, the Texans are going to get raped, raped, raped.

REDSKINS (-12.5) vs Rams
Cock-a-doodle-doo! Neigh! Farm-better's special of the week, pt 2.

Jags (+3) at BRONCOS
This is another team that's gonna get hit in its bitch.

Eagles (-4.5) at 49'ERS
This is almost a bet-the-farm kind of game.

Boys (-4.5) at CARDS
Why is this not -7?

Les Packeurs (+1) at SEA-MEN
The seamen are going to get wiped clean from the face of their own hit-bitch.

Pats (+5) at CHARGERS
what a great game this would have been last year.

BROWNS (+9) vs Giants
too many points for a home team to get.

2008-10-12T08:10:00.008-05:00

Sucking

Can everyone suck any less? Mr B-Ships auto-win parlay comes up a wimpy 1-2. With his UW ML looking like he was on crack or something. Don't you remember that UM beat UW? That means they suck.

Then Michigan lays a supreme egg, leaving this fan to tell Rocket fans, "Good game". Don't need to reiterate our record against MAC teams, though I saw one stat that had this conditional: "current MAC teams". So we've lost to a previous MAC team? Anyone know what is?

Then my streak of cross-sporters comes up dead. Can't seem to get on the right end of the ALCS team. But today I will put another out there, for "no guts, no money", is the creed of the true gambling man/addict. And I really like them Phils. You'll have to read this entire blog to get today's cross-sporter...

So, another NFL week is upon us and let it be known all fans of Michigan pro-football and baseball, here come the Wisconsites. Will try and pick out some quick comparisons:

Packers AND Lions both have lost to the Falcons
Brewers AND Tigers done in by shoddy defense in the playoffs

I know Finger-licious can pull some more, but I thought these were very recent and valid comparisons of demise.

So to start the picks, let's start in the NFC North, which is only the second worst division behind the AFC North. Man, they really should make these 2 play each other every year. Wouldn't it be grand to see feline match-up Bengal v Lion? I mean might as well put 2 real cats out there and let them maul. Better than watching Palmer and Kitna trying to prove who should have started 3-4 years ago in the Nati. Meat Packers vs. Steel Workers? Forget the QBs, let's get some mobs out there to brawl. Mistake on the Lake vs. Un-Mistake on the Lake? Two teams whose rise and fall actually seem to coincide. (Side note: If you can find a good antonym for mistake, let me know). Sister Cities Unite! St. Paul (Minneapolis) vs Baltimore (maybe stretching a little with DC), but both teams play like each other. An offense that can't seem to go anywhere, and a defense that is the backbone.

Ok, ok, here are my picks using airport codes....

GRB (+1) @ SEA - Ok, so Hasselback is dinged up, they have no receivers and the Pack was humiliated last week. This is a homer pick, not a true indication, though SEA is bad. I love the send off they are doing for Holmgren, which is pretty much nothing.

DTW @ MSP (-13) - Though this is exactly the game the Lions show up for. Kitna OUT, Vikings another great running team ala the Falcons. Is this a repeat of that shellacking? Well, yes and no. Yes, in that it's a laugher, no in the fact that the Lions MC. I switch my pick: DTW (+13) @ MSP. Goooo Lions!

STL (+13) @ IAD - These NFC East teams are all high on themselves. I see the Skins falter a little and keep Bulger, who has LOTS to prove, a chance in this game. Or STL really does stink and it's a DTW / STL race to the #1 pick.

CVG (+9) @ EWRb - (As a note, since the Jets and Giants play in same place, I had to use EWR for both. Jets are b and Giants are a.) Seriously, the Bengals aren't an 0-5 team. They're bad but not that bad. Let the Cardinals game be an absolute aberration. As I said in that post, they were flying cross-country. Bad thing. Bengals short flight, but I forget now that Palmer is out. I do a late switch again: CVG @ EWRb (-9)

OAK (+7) @ MSY - Easy question for the Raiders. Do you pack it in to give a big ol Fuck You to Al "I have no pals" Davis? Or do you have some respect and dedicate the win to Kiflin? Did Kiflin really do anything? Anyway, OAK is actually decent and 7 points is all they need. They win this game over a reeling Saints team that realizes that there offense can't just be punting it to Bush.

MIA (+3) @ IAH - This is a toughy, I come back later. MIA wins. Texans get humiliated again.

ORD @ ATL (+3) - ATL makes it 3-0 versus the NFC North. They realize they are for real and why they held on to Vick for so long that a freaking rookie QB can take them from laughingstock to respectability, oh yeah and Michael Turner is pretty good.

BWI @ IND (-4) - Seriously? This is my lock of the week. Where lock = 99%. Anyway, Ravens get bitch slapped back to no offense reality. Ray Lewis takes over at QB by shooting Flacco. He gets convicted and all is right in the world with him and OJ behind bars.

JAX @ DEN (-3.5) - Mile high is what it used to be again. A place where Denver wins and covers.

PHL (-4.5) @ SFO - Even without Westy, Donovan is so mad he could hug TO. Blowout.

DFW @ PHX (+4.5) - Cards are happy. Imagine when they were still in the NFC East, now in the West they are top dogs and aim to payback the Boys. Pacman's bodyguard also appears and tackles Pacman inches from running one back. Breaston shows up again.

BOS (+5) @ SAN - Can't figure out this line. Pats are solid and SD aren't that solid. Cassells first prime time game and since he's never played one before (I think) he doesn't know he should suck. Just throw it to Moss.

EWRa @ CLE (+9) - I'm using sportsbook.com lines on yahoo sports, rest were 7.5. Got to take the Browns here. Plex is back and will somehow cause issues. Maybe a spike after a first down without being touched anyone?

Here is the cross-sports parlay: LAX ML + BOS +5. Good luck to all

2008-10-09T22:05:00.002-05:00

Parlay Party

Every week I scour the college football lines hoping to find at least one game that I like enough to recommend for gambling purposes. I take this responsibility very seriously. My readers deserve nothing but the most reliable investment advice possible and so far I've delivered, with a 4-0 record on the year.

I'm taking it up a notch. The football season is too short to waste moneymaking opportunities like the ones on the table this week. For the first time ever, I'm giving you a three-team parlay that will pay 9/1 after the juice. And without further ado...

Wisconsin (+190) vs. Penn State

Penn State is not that good and they are particularly vulnerable on the road, where they never beat good teams. The last time that Penn State beat a ranked opponent on the road was in 2002, against the Badgers, coincidentally. Wisconsin finished the year 8-6 and unranked. The last time that Penn State won on the road over a team that finished the season ranked was in 1999, when the beat Miami (FL).

But how is that significant? Wisconsin is hovering on the edge of the rankings and, potentially, a very bad (for the Badgers) season. Well, Wisconsin is not as bad as they showed two weeks ago in a fluky second half loss at Michigan and they are a very tough team at home, as evidenced by last week's performance against Ohio State. The Badgers are too big and physical for Penn State and will grind them up at the line of scrimmage on offense and defense.

Before last week, the last time Wisconsin lost a night game was in 2001 at Oregon and the last time they lost a night game at home was in 1995 against Colorado. The last time they lost two night games in the same season was 1986. Wisconsin is 21-3 in night games since 1995. Clearly, this has absolutely no bearing on what will happen in tonight's game but I thought it was interesting.

Vanderbilt (-2) at Mississippi State

Vandy was my winning pick last week and I'm going to keep riding them as long as the oddsmakers continue to disrespect them. They are 5-0 ATS and overall this year. Mississippi State is 1-4 overall and 2-2 ATS. Their only win was over SE Louisiana, a team so unremarkable that there was no spread for the game. And somehow Vandy is only -2. I know MSU was a little frisky in their last game against LSU. Whatever, they are still a bad team. And Vandy is a good team, Brent Musberger's declaration of their win last week over Auburn being a "Music City Miracle" notwithstanding.

Over 41 Arkansas at Auburn

I've already hated on Auburn's ability to score twice this year with great success. Tommy Tubberville caught on this week when he fired his offensive coordinator. When is the last time you heard of a coach firing one of his coordinators during the season? Auburn's offense is a mess but they do play very well defensively. Arkansas, meanwhile, is just a mess. If either team scores more than 20 I'll be surprised.

That is the parlay. Do yourself a favor, don't just parlay two of these picks or bet on each game individually. This is not a time to be conservative. Just take the full three-team parlay and prepare to win some cash.

(Worthless) NFL picks to come later.

2008-10-05T13:31:00.002-05:00

Hi all. Long week again. Some developments that definately need to be discussed. Unfortunately the games have already started, so in order for me to be able to watch, on to the picks:

Colts (-3) @ Texans
Again the Texans are getting too much respect. Why?

Titans (-2) @ Ravens
This is a toss-up in my book. Joe Flacco vs. Kerry Collins, very underwhelming.

Chargers (-6) @ Dolphins
Dolphins stink.

Carolina (-9.5) VS Chiefs
Who cares.

Eagles (-6.5) VS Redskins
The return of Westbrook bodes well for the Eagles.

Bears (-3) @ Lions
While I agree that the Lions got better immediately by letting go of Millen. 3 points is still a mystery.

Giants (-6.5) VS Seahawks
Are there any seahawks fans anywhere? Have you ever met one? They were in the super bowl here in the D and I still never met one.

Broncos (-4) Vs Bucs
The question here is, was last week the Broncos getting their bed-shitting out of the way or a sign of things to come.

Pats (-3) @ SF
If Brady was playing the line would be 13. Has any one player ever been worth 10 points in the spread? I doubt it.

Bills (+1.5) @ Cards
Not really sure why the Cards are favored. Maybe bettors are thinking that the Bills will wilt in the heat. I doubt it.

Cowboys (-16) VS Bengals
Bengals stink.

Steelers (+6) @ Jaguars
Too many points

Saints (-3) vs Vikings
Should be a shootout. To the delight of my fantasy team.

2008-10-05T10:20:00.005-05:00

First of all I want to give a very heart-felt thanks to the Nebraska Cornhuskers for scoring a meaningless (to some) touchdown with no time on the clock icing the over and a 3 team parlay for your correspondent. I did only have $5 on it, but style points nevertheless. And with that he'res how I'll be squandering it:

IND @ HOU (+3)
Indy's awful dont kid yourself. I guess they found a way to beat the bears (?!?!) and get their nominal superbowl win. The bloom is off the rose, just in time for their new stadium. Even Marvin Harrison is having off the field problems. They'll probably still cover this one though.

TN @ BAL (+2)
I think Im going to go with Baltimore here, wouldnt bet on it though.

SD @ MIA (+6)
Lotta home doggs this week. I think 6 is too many though.

KC @ CAR (-9.5)
I think KC may have gotten all the covering out of their system last week.

WAS @ PHI (-6.5)
Philly kinda looks to be slowing down a bit.

CHI @ DET (-3)
Wha?!?!? WTF? BET ON THE BEARS PLEASE FOR OUR CHILDREN, FOR THE FUTURE OF OUR COUNTRY.

ATL @ GB (-3.5)
Atlanta's bad, GB is of almost chicago quality here.

SEA @ NYG (-6.5)
Another team that has all of its good days behind it.

TB @ DEN (-4)
Dont bet on this, theres much better games out there like chicago v det

NE @ SF (+3)
Lets go with another home dogg here

BUF @ Phx (-1.5)
I like the bills here may have to parlay this

CIN @ DAL (-16)
Too many points

PIT @ JAX(-5)

Min @ NO(-3)

Sorry to be so short here gotta place some real wagers.

2008-10-04T10:31:00.003-05:00

Commodore Cash Cow

I apologize for failing to get the 'Ship Picks out last week. Hopefully you were reasonably successful in your gambling endeavors without my input. This weekend, The Battleship is under the command of the Commodores from Vanderbilt, who are +4 at home against Auburn.

Vandy is 4-0 ATS and outright this year, has wins over South Carolina and Ole Miss and is coming off a bye. Auburn is 1-4 ATS and coming off three straight games that were decided by less than a touchdown. The Tigers' two wins in that span were decided by a grand total of 3 points and came over the miserable likes of Mississippi State and Tennessee. Auburn is averaging 12.6 points against SEC competition and yet they are laying 4 on the road against an undefeated SEC team with two wins in conference play.

The only real question is whether to take Vandy and the points or the moneyline (+155). Two weeks ago I counseled taking the LSU moneyline rather than laying two points against these same Auburn Tigers. LSU won by 5, but only because they managed to score a late touchdown after one of those drives where the cameras keep cutting away after every play to show the field goal kicker warming up. I guess it comes down to what type of gambler you are. This game is like a hand of blackjack in which you have two kings and the dealer is showing a six. Do you split your kings to try to make a really big score or do you sit on your 20, which is almost a sure thing? I'd take the sure thing, personally.

Did you know that Miami and Florida State are playing this weekend? Me either, until I looked over the college lines. Remember when this game was such a big deal that ESPN would cut into whatever game you were watching every 10 minutes to show you the latest sack/punt block/field goal?

As for my NFL picks, well, since that is supposed to be the point of this whole exercise, I guess
I'll list them below. If you like money do not take my NFL picks seriously unless you are betting against them.

Indianapolis -3 at Houston: This used to be an AC special where he'd put a ton of $$$ on Indy moneyline. The teams may be closer this year but I still have trouble taking the Texans over the Colts.

Baltimore +3 vs Tennessee: These are the only teams in the NFL that are undefeated ATS this year. That is kind of like if the Lions and the Rams were playing, only its the exact opposite. I expect a low scoring game so I'll take the home team and the points.

San Diego -6.5 at Miami: I think Miami's win over New England was a fluke and because they started out 0-2 San Diego is a little underrated right now.

Carolina -9.5 vs Kansas City: This is kind of a homer pick because I have Jake Delhomme in both of my fantasy leagues and he is, in my opinion, due for a breakout game.

Philadelphia +6 vs Washington: The Redskins are not good enough to beat the Cowboys and Eagles in back-to-back games on the road. I like Philly by a touchdown.

Chicago -3.5 at Detroit: Unless they are playing the Rams, the Lions should always get at least a touchdown no matter where the game is.

Last Sunday Steve Schrader had an article in the Detroit Free Press in which he quoted from an interview that Mike Ditka gave on the "JJ and Lynne Morning Show" on WCSX FM (94.7) sort of defending Matt Millen. Essentially, his point was that Matt Millen doesn't play so he doesn't deserve all of the blame. I'm not even going into his take on Millen. What I found even more laughable was this quote from the interview:

"I'm just saying you better be careful what you wish for, because there's no guarantee that it's going to get better until you change the whole mentality of that organization and you go back to what the Lions used to stand for; they were a tough hard-nosed football team."

Mike Ditka is really old. This reminds me of Republicans that reference their party's legacy of freeing the slaves when addressing the NAACP. Yes, it is true that the Republican party began as a bunch of disgruntled Whigs who broke away from that party to form a new, explicitly pro-emancipation party, just as I'm sure that the Lions were a "tough hard-nosed football team" during Ditka's playing days when face masks and foward passing were new-fangled. All technically true but hardly relevant with the 14th amendment and the West Coast Offense firm fixtures in modern society.

New York Giants -7 vs. Seattle: The Seahawks have Branch and Engram back for this one, and I think Burress is out. I'm still taking the Giants because they are a much better football team.

Since I don't want to appear partisan, let me use this game as an opportunity to make an analogy poking fun at the Democrats, who try to woo evangelical voters by claiming that Jesus would approve of their social welfare programs. That may be true, but evangelical voters believe that abortion is literally infanticide. It takes a lot more than Head Start and universal health care to tip the scales against perceived baby killing, and it will take a lot more than a few wide receivers for the Seahawks to compete against the Giants.

Denver -3 vs. Tampa Bay: I'm not sure what to make of Denver after last week's debacle. I do think they are good enough to beat Tampa at home by more than 3 points.

New England -3 at San Francisco: Don't think too much on this one. New England is still pretty good despite last week and San Francisco stinks.

Buffalo +1.5 at Arizona: Why is Arizona favored in this game? Buffalo is 4-0 because they've been able to beat crappy teams like Arizona. This line doesn't make any sense to me, which probably means that I'm missing something big, which probably means that Arizona is going to win by 10 points. I'm still taking the Bills.

Cincinnatti +16 at Dallas: 16 is a lot of points for an NFL line.

Jacksonville -4 vs Pittsburgh: My coworker is a Steelers fan and insists that they never have success at Jacksonville. Plus, the Steelers are dipping into their practice squad for running backs.

Minnesota +3 at New Orleans: Games like this make me depressed that I traded Adrian Peterson to Dr. BS for Darren McFadden and Kellen Winslow. Peterson is the one who was supposed to get injured, damnit!

2008-10-03T19:21:00.003-05:00

Midwest be cold. Need some of of those apple bottom jeans and boots with the furrrrr

"For those of you traveling to South Bend, I apologize. The aircraft that we were told was on its way from the hangar – it looks like that was not actually on its way at that time, I apologize. We are still waiting on that aircraft, and right now we can’t get a straight answer on what the status is on it being ready for us.”

Back in the great American Midwest, sitting in the O’Hare airport’s F-concourse. More like the WTF concourse – huzzah! I tell you, it’s infuriating knowing that I am missing out on quality time I could be spending in Michiana. My mom could be showing me where they put the new YMCA right now. Instead I get to sit here with all these XXL bastards proudly wearing clothing bearing the name of their favorite baseball team. Never has the Midwest been so well represented in the baseball playoffs (note: it may have, I didn’t check). Two Chicago teams. Milwaukee. Even Minnesota got to be in a one game playoff. As a supporter of the last-place Tigers, I hope all of these teams lose in the first round. It’s football season and all this baseball support is downright embarrassing. Well you all can have fun watching your teams with their pitchers who can make it out of the first inning without giving up three runs and your hitters who live up to or exceed expectations. I’ll stick with my Detroit Lions. And look out for the hottest new Lions site coming soon: shityourpantsforthelions.com

…

Just boarded Amtrak in my hometown, heading across the southern part of the great lakes (and great times!) state. Destination: Ann Arbor, home of Arnie and the MastroV. My train got to the station an hour late, but I could not board for another half hour because there was a busted train on the other track at the station blocking the walkway to my train. As a veteran of Amtrak, this is not a surprising delay. Back in my college years I used to take this line frequently to and from home and school and grew to accept the tardiness. And really, who really cares about being on schedule when there are more important things on your mind like,

“I’m going to make a huge profit on this kilo of cocaine I’m transporting!” or

“Golly, this stolen newborn I’m going to sell when I get to Chicago sure isn’t making a peep in my big suitcase. He must really like sleeping on trains!”

Amtrak: ~~Experience the journey~~ Smuggler’s Choice.

Unlike most trips I’ve had down these tracks, the only thing I’m smuggling today is a multi-day load. Really gross, huh? Yuck. I’ve never owned or considered owning a blow-up doll that you can penetrate, but I’m guessing that some folks who do sometimes like to pull out early and serve up a facial on the inanimate object, perhaps with a VCR tape cued up just right to Marv Albert saying “FACIAL!” during an old NBA broadcast.

Anyway, I’ll be attending the Michigan vs Illinois game on Saturday. This is an intriguing game from a betting standpoint because it seems to me that it would be quite a headache setting a line for a game involving Michigan right now after that tale-of-two-halves performance against Wisconsin. Last I checked Michigan was a 2.5 point favorite. This is one of those games I can see them winning or losing by a couple touchdowns. So what’s the smart play? I’d say what you don’t want to do is a teaser, because you really shouldn’t be confident in either side keeping it real close. Probably a smart move is to look for one of those special Battleship-worthy adjusted lines with larger upsides. I’d lke to take both Michigan –12.5 and Illinois – 10 or whatever’s offered as long as each pays in the neighborhood of 4 to 1. Otherwise this is probably a good game to take a pass on unless you have a strong feeling about which Michigan team will show up.

Colts (-3) at TEXANS
I give up on those Texans. Andre Johnson is now on my fantasy bench, seated next to some of the league's most unproductive running backs.

RAVENS (+3) vs Titans
Too feel like royalty, wear purple corduroy pants while betting on the Ravens and sitting on a golden toilet seat.

Chargers (-6.5) at DOLPHINS
This game is a truck load of bags of masterlocks. I'm going big on this one.

Chiefs (+9.5) at PANTHERS
These teams are more mediocre than I thought a few weeks ago. 9.5 is way too many for me.

Redskins (+6) at EAGLES
This is going to be some good watchin'! Lots of classy fans at that game.

Bears (+3.5) at LIONS
Lock of the week part 2. Parlay parlay, 24-7 all day!

GIANTS (-7) vs Seahawks
It's so easy when good teams play bad ones.

BRONCOS (-3) vs Bucs
How about those Devil Rays? Baseball pants sure are long these days! In the military there are gays.

PATRIOTS (-3) at 49'ers
Just pretend like it's last year to reassure yourself.

Bills (+1.5) at CARDINALS
Also giving up on the cardinals. Can't keep that beak wet in the desert.

Bengals (+16) at COWBOYS
The cowboys are good but not deserving of this kind of line.

Steelers (+4) at JACKSONVILLE
Many injuries, but they'll just throw the ball and win.

Vikings (+3) at SAINTS
Both have flashy running backs but it will be the Vikings defense that wins this.

2008-09-28T11:53:00.002-05:00

Well, finally got round to it. Gonna be a big day for Wisconsin-ites. Either very good or very bad. So in order for me to cheer for something regardless, here are the MastroV picks for Week 4. Thankfully no Lions as I would have picked them post-Millen. Though I do give the Lions a half a victory for that move. Lions 1/2 - 3 through 2008. Not bad....

(My listing has the favorite first.)

Buffalo 8 at St. Louis - STL - T Green gets concussed and Bulger to the rescue. Bills eke out with major games from Royal, Lee, and Lynch all key HFHaters

at Carolina 7 Atlanta - CAR - Carolina make Hawks, whoops Falcons, look like they wish they had hurricanes

at Cincinnati 3 1/2 Cleveland - CIN - Harvard Fitzpatrick still takes the Bungles to their first win. Ivy > MAC

at Dallas 11 Washington - WSH - Redskins always play Boys tough in Dallas, no reason why things change. Boys are good, but not this good. Let down after Packers game gonna happen

Denver 9 1/2 at Kansas City - KC - LJ gets some respec

at Jacksonville 7 Houston - JAC - Slaton still rolls all over Jags, but Houston is awful

at New Orleans 5 San Francisco - NO - Dunno, just because

at NY Jets 1 1/2 Arizona - NYJ - Rainy, Jets. Arizona long way from home

Philadelphia 3 at Chicago - CHI - Chicago somehow wins. Not sure how, but Orton finds his inner Griese. Big Ten > Big East

San Diego 7 1/2 at Oakland - SD - SD finally gets chance to roll up score again. They will crush the Raiders

at Tampa Bay 1 Green Bay - GB - Pack win, enough said

at Tennessee 3 Minnesota - TEN - Tennessee is much, much better than Vikings.

at Pittsburgh 5 1/2 Baltimore - BAL - Baltimore looking good, gonna be a close one

2008-09-28T09:55:00.002-05:00

Time for more football! Things are finally lookin up a little bit here in this dark corner of the football world. As everybody knows, Matt Millen was fired this week, which is symbolically a good thing. Its like if you sent somebody down to the ol Motor City Casino with your $100 to play black jack who was a huge believer in hitting 17s. You probably cant do much worse if you replace that guy, but the fact you sent him down there in the first place is the crux of the problem. In other news, the U of M (its defense specifically), won a game in dramatic style on a beautiful fall afternoon. I remember when we actually could expect those things, but I guess its a little more fun when you fully expect to be trounced, and for about 55% of the game you ARE actually getting trounced. My prognostications for this week:

DEN @ KC (+9)
Wow what a great game to bet on, Cutler is dealing bigtime, the defense seems to be playing decent when it counts, is it just me or is it time to make a deposit and go bigtime on Denver? For this reason, Im taking KC.

CLE @ CIN (-3)
Cincinnati actually showed some signs of life last week against the Gians, the Browns are still aptly named. I will give this I-71 shootout to the Queen city.

HOU @ JAX (-7)
Is the roof fixed yet? No roof, no cover. Gosh this is easy.

ARZ @ NYJ (-1)
How is anybody making this team a favorite after it was exposed how bad they are last week? For those who may have designs on peeing their pants today, I predict you'll also have a bunch of Farve interceptions to celebrate as well.

SF @ NO (-4.5)
Ok I'll bet everybody thinks SF is pretty cool for beating the lions by all those points last week. This is a lock, they're still terrible.

ATL @ CAR (-6.5)
Dont really have a strong feeling on this one, but 6.5 seems a bit much.

MIN @ TN (-3)
Minnesota is not that bad of a team when they're in AP riding mode, so I predict a road cover here. Not only that TN's pass attack with Kerry Collins at the helm wont be able to exploit their defensive shoddyness in this department.

GB @ TB (-1.5)
After that horrid ground attack that TB showed last week, they better get it together. As much of a Greise fan as I am, he cant tote the load all by himself. I guess this is kind of my fault for keeping Earnest Graham.

BUF @ StL (+8)
Going BILListic!

SD @ OAK (-7.5)
Bet early bet often. Why the hell should any team really care about a coach anyway?

WAS @ DAL (-10.5)
Man that sure is a lot of points, but I guess I cant really bet on the Redskins, so whatcha gonna do?

PHL @ CHI (+3)
Probably gonna be a lousy game, good thing nobody in either city is into the NFL that much.

BAL @ PIT (-5)
Do you think they're gonna throw RayRay in the slammer the minute he cant play football any longer?

Have a good'un

2008-09-27T19:31:00.007-05:00

Quick Picks

I was planning on writing my post tomorrow morning before the games get started, but something has come up. I will definately post about tomorrows going ons sometime this week, but as a result I only have time for some quick picks. After last weeks performance, you would think I would spend some more time on these. Alas, no.

Broncos (-10) @ Chiefs
Home field is not enough for the Chiefs to keep this close.

Browns (-3.5) @ Bengals
The battle of Ohio goes to...Brady Quinn in a 2nd half comeback.

Jaguars (-7) VS Texans
I think that someone in Vegas must really be a Texans fan. They have no business being a single digit 'dog at Jacksonville.

Cardinals (+1) @ Jets
Brett Favre is an old man. He can't even remember the plays. Get him a Vicodin

Saints (-4) VS 49ers
Drew Brees is my fantasy QB. The 49ers are not as good as they looked vs. the Lions.

Carolina (-6.5) VS Falcons
The Falcons won't be able to run on the Panthers as well as they have been. Matt Ryan doesn't scare anyone.

Titans (-3) VS Vikings
Banged up AP + good Titans D= trouble for Minny.

Packers (+1) @ Bucs
Battle of the Bays goes to...the team not lead by Brian Greise

Bills (+8) @ Rams
The Rams are worse than the Lions. Horrifying.

Chargers (-7.5) @ Raiders
The Chargers need this game.

Redskins (-11) @ Dallas
11 is too many points for a decent team that is a rival.

Bears (+3) VS Eagles
This is only because Brian Westbrook is not healthy. If he plays I may switch it.

Steelers (-5) VS Ravens
The Steelers looked awful vs. Philly. I think they bounce back.

Last week: 5-10
Season 15-14-1

2008-09-26T08:47:00.005-05:00

Celebrate a Lions bye week by getting drunk and not getting pissed at the Lions

Last Week
Arnie: 8-8 (.500 season) A fine result in the juiceless world of this stupid blog
Doc Blackstone: 6-10 (.533 season) A decent record for a rebuilding team like the post-'57 Lions
AC: 6-10 (.533 season) Crappy, but bet the farm on the Cowboys so not a bad week.
Battleship: 6-10 (.333) Not a C-worthy performance from this ship

This past Tuesday I finished illness treatment and decided last night was a good one to do some drinking, with my best drinking buddy - me! Thanks to USC and the good OSU, I had sports to watch. Football sports. And yes, I did get a bet down on it. My USC -24.5 wasn't looking so hot at halftime so I went back in and took them -14.5 in the second half. After about seven minutes they were up 14-0 in that second half and I was feeling confident, and really drunk. As I got drunker, things got more interesting...er. USC punted several times in a row, then gave up a TD after the USC-senor quarterback threw an INT. I was feeling bad, and really really drunk. But I was given hope after their kicker donged it off the upright! Then USC charged down and got the TD I needed to get that extra point and win. I woke up with a horrible hangover and fat pockets so I took the virtual fat pocket pants off and went back to sleep.

After last week's terrible selections, I am not feeling confident. I would almost go as far as calling it a crisis in confidence. Bernake and Paulson need to throw me some bailout money or cocaine to restore that confidence.

1 O'Clockers

Broncos (-10) at CHIEFS
"Too many chiefs, not enough indians" is a fun thing to say. 10 is a big number for a road team to cover, but Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall are the best at their positions in the NFL and I think they will put up 40 points. Which is good because their defense will probably give up 25.

BENGALS (-3.5) vs Browns
I hate this game. Nothing is more boring sounding than two Ohio teams playing each other. The thought of sitting down and watching two Ohio teams play each other is about as exciting-sounding as watching these twins make out. I'll take the Bengals because they looked less shitty last week.

Texans (+7) at JAGUARS
There is no way this is going to happen, and that's exactly why I like the Texans to cover.

Cardinals (+1.5) at JETS
These mascots both like flying, but only one has a beak. Advantage Cardinals.

SAINTS (-5.5) vs 49'ers
Here's some advice: Bet against the team that beat the Lions last week. It's not all that impressive of an accomplishment and that win is priced into this week's line.

PANTHERS (-6.5) vs Falcons
It's kind of silly that US sports teams like having animal mascots. Of the animal mascots, these are two of the coolest. I wanted to start a club when I was in 1st or 2nd grade called the Panthers, so I'll take them in this one.

TITANS (-3) vs Vikings
I hate this game.

Packers (+1) at BUCS
Trust me, Al Harris isn't that big of a loss.

4PM Games

Bills (-8) at RAMS
"Dad, what's life insurance?"
"Uh..it's what you have that makes everything ok for you kids if something happens."
"Oh. Do we have life insurance?"
"Ha! Yeah, I bet the farm on the Bills to cover at the Rams this week."
"Good!"

Chargers (-7.5) at RAIDERS
California...is super nice to the homeless. enough about that game.

Redskins (+11) at COWBOYS
The cowmen are the best team in football. The redskins are maybe the 10th best. I'll take the points and strap on my Dallas hating strap-on and fuck a mannequin that represents TO.

SNF

Eagles (-3) at BEARS
I think I'll bet on NFC East teams every time they play another conference the whole season.

MNF

Steelers (-5) at RAVENS
I'm not sure if I'll be able to find a mannequin to represent Joe Flacco. I better go easy on the one I use Sunday.

Amateur outlook:

I can't wait to watch Alabama at Georgia. Both are fantastic teams. I'll take the 6.5 Alabama is getting in what should be a very close game.

2008-09-21T10:17:00.002-05:00

Greetings to one and all.
Its been a bit of rough weekend for the beekeeper on certain fronts. First of all, yesterday was a day of college football mormon style (save for the Diet Coke con caffeine), as I find myself under the weather and at the mercy of drugs that purport to 'make coughs more effective'. Marlboros will do that too, just an FYI there, Mucinex. This affliction, while it prevented me from partaking in any of the Dr.'s birthday ribaldry, did not stop me from correctly calling a number of amateur contests yesterday. So I figure I'll throw my hat in the ring here too:

KC @ (ATL -6.5)
Poor Matt Ryan. Im sure the past week has brought about something of a comeuppance for the rookie QB. Heralded as the best QB in the draft, he may have actually started to read some of his own clippings after an impressive performance against the Lions. Well, as I can attest, KC is a better football team. If Larry Johnson gets on the field, hes auditioning for a trade right now, so Id go with the Chefs in this one.

OAK @ BUF (-9.5)
Gosh thats a lot of points for a Buffalo Bills team to cover. But, I contend they will. My reasons are short, but (I believe) convincing:
-JaMarcus Russel- God only knows how he didnt end up in the Honululu blue. Great to know that we arent the only ones flying blind out there
-Dwight McFadden- Id feel better about this had the Dr not traded him, and a lot better if it wasnt to one of the E. Lansing products in our fantasy league (the Battleship specifically) who typically leave a lot of folks scratching their heads whenever they get the trading bug.
-And I also think Buffalo's got a pretty good young team. They may actually make the playoffs this decade.

HOU @ TN (-5)
I dont really see Houston covering until they fix the roof.

CIN @ NYG (-13)
Im gonna have to go with the Bengals on this one. Not because Cincinnati is any good or anything, but I just sort of see the Giants going through the motions on this one. Everybody seems to have forgotten that this is a team that only feels like playing about 50% of the time. Much like how everybody put themselves under the impression that Peyton Manning was a great clutch QB, or that Kwame Kilpatrick wasn't on the take. The Super Bowl is basically like a national 2 AM Jager shot.

AZ @ Wash. (-3)
Kind of a toughie here. Has anybody else noticed that Jon Kitna kind of took up the cross for the league somewhere along the line, leaving Kurt Warner to the same relative status of an Evangelical pastor in Berkeley? Anyhow, I like the Cardinals.

MIA @ NE (-12.5)
Boy was rivalry a favorite for a number of years for the gambling community. I dont think Id ever heard of a no moneyline NFL game prior to the matchup of these teams a couple of years ago. The reduction of this line to -12.5 does represent an evening of the fortunes for these teams to some extent, but mostly just the fact that Matt Cassel didnt show he wasnt a liablility last week (though the USA today that was dropped at my hotel room Morning claimed that he "shined" in that victory). Im probably thinking that the Patriots will cover here. I wouldnt put any real Vchips on it though.

TB @ CHI (-3)
God am I ever glad they arent showing this game in my region. I was a little nervous given the proximity of Chicago to Michigan. I predict its gonna be a real puntfest. As much as Im sure Brian Griese would like some revenge. Id advise any sensible sports gambler to not even bother yourself with that line, take the under 35.5, go rent a Kevin Costner movie as it will have more entertainment value and check back at 4 to see if you won anything. Since this is for prizes/undying respect among my colleagues, register my official vote as Tampa.

CAR @ MIN (-3)
Its only a matter of time before Gus Frerotte surfaces in any given NFL campaign. Its too bad you cant take an over/under on the week of his first start. Maybe they'd no action it with the likes of Tavis Smiley or whatever starting for the Vikings. Expect big carries from AP, who will be ridden mercilessly till his inevitable injury, getting a cover for the Vikings.

STL @ SEA (-9.5)
I commented to the chief earlier this week that it would be kind of nice to have a parlay with this game and the Lions/SF so you could really showcase the worst this league has to offer. On that note.....SEA.

DET @ SF (-4.5)
See above. SF.

NO @ DEN (-5.5)
Did you know that New Orleans is the only major city in the US below sea level? I'll bet you did!
That means, that by their standards, they're over a mile high when in Denver. Thats a long way up! Given the fact that they dont have Marques Colston to singlehandedly dominate this game, I dont see them covering. DEN.

PIT @ PHI (-3.5)
On Monday night, I could only hark back to a cool fall afternoon in my Junior (or Senior, who knows) year of college when I saw Donovan McNabb take it to a Michigan team that was probably a better team than the Syracuse squad for which he played. Ive had this guy on many fantasy teams since then, every time I hit that "draft player" button this game has been somewhere in my mind. Finally, after about a 4-5 year hiatus, he seems to have returned to his old form. I actually dont see a ton of points being scored in this one. And frankly, that half point looms rather large as I see it. Still, Im gonna go with the Eagles here.

JAX @ IND (-4.5)
A battle of two overrated teams. Thing is, I really just dont think Indy's that good. I know all the big names on thier offense, but nothing's happening, and with Bob Sanders going out, their defense has started to resemble the Lions. I'll take JAX for the road cover here.

CLE @ BAL (-2.5)
Cleveland's offense should be getting it going any time now. Right? I mean we have to savor the likes of Braylon Edwards from afar seeing as we will not be getting anymore NFL caliber wide receivers through here until further notice. So personally Id like to see that, if for nothing else to add some credence to my salty naysayer rantings about the direction U of M has taken. Flacco or not, I say the ghost of Cleveland past takes this cover.

DAL @ GB (+3)
To my memory, Aaron Rodgers played pretty well against the Cowboys last year. And that was in Dallas. So I think he could probably do it again at Lambeau. After that Monday night game, Id imagine that offense is still trying to catch its breath, so I'll take the Pack here.

NYJ @ SD (-8.5)
San Diego's had a tough time winning games. Not that their QB Philip Rivers hasnt been playing great. I expect that to end on Monday night, in another hardly watchable game. NYJ.

Well, enjoy the games. And use this information correctly.....

2008-09-20T17:19:00.006-05:00

Happy Birthday to me!!

As the Chief said, he and I share the same birthday. Unlike the Chief, I was able to partake of the alcoholic beverages to celebrate the start of my 33rd year. You will be happy to hear that I consumed alcohol with the fervor and foresight of a 22 year old. Bad decisions were made. I felt I owed it to the Chief to have double the number of drinks that I had planned to make up for his inability to imbibe. I did not receive any meat, however. I guess you win some and you lose some.

Since I am in a scholastic program with people as young as 23, I am constantly barraged by 'old man' comments. This is something that happens regularly throughout the year, but certainly sees an increase in frequency around my birthday. It never really bothers me, other than when I make pop culture references (ie Homey the Clown, Kathy Ireland, Spies Like Us, or Air Supply) and they look at me like I am suffering from Alzheimer's. These kids today, so busy with their facebooks. No knowledge of the struggles that we went through. Wearing condoms. Masturbating to porn on the VCR, or even in a magazine. Having to 'page' your drug dealer and wait for him to call back.

What do you mean 'Who am I?'

Well, those days are long since passed. No one has worn a condom in 10 years. The internet has been to masturbators what the wheel was to transportation, and cell phones have made the acquisition of drugs all the easier. Every once in a while I find myself reminiscing about the good old days. These kids will never understand.

On to the picks:

Chiefs (+6) @ Falcons

I know the Chiefs stink, but so do the Falcons. Atlanta has no business as a 6 point favorite against anyone.

Raiders (+9.5) @ Bills

I am pretty sure that Buffalo is going to win this game, but 9.5 is too many points for a Trent Edwards led team to be favored. The Raiders looked OK against the Chiefs, and you have to look out for a 'rally to save Lane Kiffin' run from them.

Titans (-4.5) VS Texans

If this game had been played last week, Tennessee would be favored by 7 at least. For whatever reason, Houston is getting some respect as a decent team. I think it is only because there has not been a large enough sample size of their shittiness.

Giants (-13) VS Bungles
Giants are decent, the Bengals are terrible.

Cardinals (+3) @ Redskins
I might have mentioned previously that I hate the Redskins. I hope they burn in hell. This may, however, be the game where the Cards show the kind of moxy that has long been a staple of their franchise.

Patriots (-12.5) VS Dolphins
This may be Chad Pennington's last game as an NFL starter. Gamblers everywhere are crying. Get in on the action while you still have a chance.

Bears (-3) VS Bucs
Both teams have no offense. Both teams have decent defenses. I think the Bears D is a little better than the Bucs, and the Bears O may be slightly less shitty than the Bucs, who will be without Joey Galloway.

Panthers (+3) @ Vikings
How a Gus Ferrotte led team is a favorite I will never understand. Especially against a team that is 2-0 and is getting their best offensive weapon back.

Seahawks (-9.5) VS Rams
I have nothing to say about this game so... Sarah Palin claimed that one of her big 'changes' when she gets to Washington will be to make the federal checkbook open to the public. Of course, Barack Obama pushed that bill through 2 years ago. Way to go Sarah.

49ers (-5) VS Lions
JT O'Sullivan and Mike Martz will finally get a chance to show Matt Millen what they could have done if there was any talent around them. This will be a bloodbath.

Broncos (-5.5) VS Saints
I was a little unsure as to which way to go in this game. I will take the Broncos at home in a shootout. The Saints D is terrible. The Broncos D is only very bad.

Steelers (+3) @ Eagles
The Steelers may be the best team in football. The Eagles played over their heads against a division rival on Monday night. Look for them to come back to earth.

Colts (-4.5) VS Jaguars
Ordinarily the Jags play the Colts pretty tough. This season, the Jags have no Oline and are in big, big trouble.

Ravens (-3) VS Browns
We want Brady. We want Brady.

Cowboys (-3) @ Packers
The Packers are better than anyone thought, but the Cowboys are just too good. GB has played 2 teams without a win, and has looked good. I think they are still not in the same class as Dallas.

Jets (+8.5) @ Chargers
Norv Turner. All that needs to be said.

Last Week-10-4-1
Season- 10-4-1

2008-09-20T16:56:00.003-05:00

Inside the mind of a sports gambler

AFD face

FUCK!
FUCK OREGON!
FUCK ME!

37-13? At Eugene? This is complete garbage. What a fraud. This was not a bad bet, this is an act of deception. I watched This team kick serious ass this season and they come out against Boise State and lay down like a...like...like a tired person on a bed. And of course Florida is getting the job done. Penn State did their work. I was about to take BYU as the third team in this stupid teaser but no - I was scared that they would fuck up because they don't think betting on football is cool at BYU. How stupid I am! Current score: BYU over Wyoming 41-0. The worst part of this is how much I LOVE Georgia to cover later. Damn shame I'm already fully committed at this point. If I want to fuck back and get in on the Jo-Ja, sweet Jo-Ja action, I'm going to have to make Another Fucking Deposit.

2008-09-19T18:43:00.004-05:00

Making Money One Unbelievably Lopsided Game at a Time

(Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)

Those of you who didn't checkoutmyhemi before last weekend's slate of games missed out on some very profitable advice. Hopefully you at least wagered on USC to cover the spread. I suspect that the gentleman in the blue hat on the right side of the picture joined The Battleship's convoy to cash city and took USC -29.5 at +1200. Don't let my 4-10-1 record in the Sunday games fool you. There are very few sound investment opportunities out there and my job is to help you identify the best ones.

This week I'm going to continue to focus on amateurs. There are two lines out there that really appeal to me. The first is LSU -135 at Auburn. You can take the -2 at -115 if you like but I'll buy those two points for 13 cents on the dollar, particularly in a game like this. Both teams have strong defenses so I suspect very few points, particularly from Auburn, which managed to score 3 points against Mississippi State last week.

The other line that I like is under 50.5 points in the Georgia at Arizona State game. Georgia has a phenomenal defense while Arizona State is coming off a 20 point effort against UNLV. On the other side of the ball, Georgia struggled to score last week against an admittedly tough South Carolina defense. Georgia does have a pretty good offense but they also have a lot of inexperience on the offensive line which makes it difficult to sustain drives. I think they'll put up points but not without some hiccups.

It is still a little early in the season for me to feel comfortable prognositcating on NFL games. There are a few teams out there that we know are pretty bad (Detroit, St. Louis, Miami, Cincinnatti, Kansas City) and a few that are pretty good (Dallas, Pittsburgh) but overall I'm still not sure about a lot of teams. Is New England still good without Tom Brady? They are 2-0 and they beat the Jets on the road last week, but are the Jets any good? With such a small sample size of games to choose from I'm not really sure about these professional games yet but my picks are below anyway. And one game that I really do like is Carolina +3 against Minnesota. Carolina has Steve Smith returning, which should help Jake Delhomme tremendously. On the flip side, Gus Ferotte is now the Vikings QB. Gus Ferotte is not a very good quarterback, and he's really old. If you take my advice for any of the NFL games, make it this one. My other picks are:

Kansas City, Buffalo, Tennessee, NY Giants, Washington, Miami, Chicago, Carolina, St. Louis, San Francisco, Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, Baltimore, Dallas, NY Jets

2008-09-19T16:02:00.005-05:00

How you like the meat flavor?

Mmmm!

Dr Blackstones and I have some big things in common. We both went to the same school, he moved into my old room in a group house while area lawmen were there to see about a boy named me, we both like sports, women, drinking, and gambling. We share the same birthday, which was yesterday. Unlike the doctor, I'm not able to drink, so I was forced to turn 31 without the option of getting drunk enough to feel like a younger man. Being sober on your 30+th birthday is a sobering experience. But it wasn't so bad thanks to my friends and family knowing how much I like meat.

1) A San Franciscan named Joe sent me a delicious 3-pack of dry-cured pork from the famous Boccalone. I'm embarassed to say that there was period of many years in my life when I did not eat a single pork product other than sausages. Not going to go into the reasons today. The important thing is that I overcame my problem, and I have to thank the Battleship for helping bring me back to the good side. I hope sometime the Battleship writes about his love for bacon. It is inspiring. But that Boccalone dry-cured pork, I tell you h-what, is the most delicious meat snack I've ever had. There is something special about it, the whole super thin slicing you do, the holding it up to the sunlight in the window to admire its translucent nature...I couldn't stop thinking about the flavor for hours afterwards.

2) My friends John and this-site-author Dolores treated me to a birthday dinner consisting of my favorite burger in town, the "one-eye" at Stoney's, my one allowed beer per day, and some delicious desserts, which any sober alcoholic understands is a key finish to any dinner. Why is it called "one-eye"? It's got a nice fried egg on top of the cheese on top of the beef.

3) Ring, ring, ring, says Mr. Phone. "Buzz" says Mr. Phone's display. "UPS", says voice. "9" presses Mr Birthday Boyee. I put some pants and shirt on and hustle downstairs to find two large styraphoam boxes from Omaha Steaks. Just like last year, I was fortunate enough to be on the receiving end of a freezer full of fine steaks and related animal and complimentary products, and a knife set for good measure. Just to let me know how badass the order was. The knife set, like a dessert at the end of a sober alcoholic's dinner, is the end punctuation mark. "Period, motherfucker", it says. "Comma, you big asshole" or "semi-colon, bitch" doesn't have the same effect. So cheers to my brother and sister-in-law for knowing what makes me happy and keeps my innards busy.

Another thing Doc B and I have in comon is our picks record of 10-4-and 1 ATS after last week. That whining about my brokeness last week? Gone. Fat virtual pockets over here. Lots to invest with this week. We're settling into the meat of the NFL season, so grab a fork and take a bite of these juicy morcels.

Chiefs (+210) at Falcons, Raiders (+380) at Buffalo, Texans (+170) at Titans. Between one and three of these teams is going to win, I just know it! For record purposes, I like them all to cover.

Over 41.5 in Bengals at Giants. Bengals will put up at least 17 and the Giants could put up 40+ on the hapless Bengals defense.

Redskins (-3), Pats (-12.5), Bears (-3), Panthers (+3), Rams (+9.5), Lions (+4), Broncos (-5.5), Eagles (-3.5), Jags (+5.5), Browns (+2), Cowboys (-3), Jets (+8.5).
Why? Because it feels so good! Unghhh.

2008-09-17T13:59:00.002-05:00

Last Week's Results

Things went pretty well for those of you who decided to use our advice on the gambling last week.

The Awful Chief- 10-4-1

Dr. Blackstones- 10-4-1

The Battleship- 4-10-1

While the Battleship's performance may have been less than exemplary, if you followed his advice on the OSU-USC teaser he recommend , you are undoubtedly engaging in activities like Uncle Scrooge above.

Good times all around. If Bill Simmons could pull off these kind of weeks, his idiot wife would not be posting her inane drivel on his site every week. This is not to be confused with the inane drivel that Simmons himself posts. It must really suck to have a job as a sportswriter and to have your wife beat you at picking NFL games 2 years in a row. This must especially sting for Mr. Simmons, since his wife has apparently suffered some kind of brain injury. She is incapable of a coherent, logical thought, as far as I can tell. Must have been all of the acid at her Phish shows. Maybe she didn't take it herself, but the thousands of hippie cumloads she swallowed were undoubtedly ripe with LSD.

There is one problem with The Battleship, however. He joined the contest, but failed to put anything up as a prize. Get with it Battleship, I want your booty.

Also, don't be surprised to hear from Arnie before this week is out. It will be nice for the Battleship to have a gambler with as poor of a track record as himself around. Even things out.

2008-09-12T17:53:00.010-05:00

Challenge Joined

When I first heard that this blog was having an NFL Pick 'em contest for its guest contributors with the winner getting a Drew Stanton jersey, I immediately contacted blogger.com to have them e-mail me a password reminder so that I could log-in and participate. Then Awful Chief informed me that simply leaving my picks in the comments section wasn't going to cut it and that I would have to write whole posts consisting of at least multiple paragraphs on a weekly basis in order to qualify. The Awful Chief drives a hard bargain.

The thing is, I really want that jersey. Stanton is the namesake of one of my fantasy football teams and as the Lions backup quarterback, he occupies what is traditionally one of the most glorified positions in all of Detroit sports. Unfortunately, with the exception of large pizzas and cigarettes, I rarely finish what I start so the chances of me keeping this up over the next 16 weeks are slim. This is probably just as well because I have absolutely no faith that Dr. Blackstones will follow through on his pledge to pony up a Stanton jersey.

"We Want Stanton" Team Logo in my Yahoo! Fantasy Football League

But enough with the dillying and the dallying. Here are my picks:

GB, KC, Tennessee, NO, Carolina, NYG, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Seattle, Miami, NYJ, San Diego, Pittsburgh, Dallas, Minnesota, Baltimore

You'll notice that I didn't bother to justify my picks or make any humorous comments about the matchups or my fellow bloggers' picks. I apologize to those of you disappointed by my brevity. Frankly, there is only one game that I'd be excited about gambling on this weekend and it involves amateurs.

Last I checked, the University of Southern California is favored by 11.5 points over The Ohio State University. Snatch lacquer on a cracker, that is one tasty line! The safe bet, of course, is to take USC -11.5 at home against TOSU playing without star running back Chris "Beanie" Wells. But half the fun of gambling is that it makes watching the games more exciting and after watching TOSU struggle last week against (just) Ohio University I'm almost certain that the cover will be safely in hand by halftime. Some sportsbooks, however, are offering +1200 odds on USC -29.5, which should remain compelling well into the 4th quarter.

I believe in diversifying risk, so my recommendation to those of you reading this in Las Vegas is to head down to your favorite sportsbook and place separate bets on both the straight cover and the 12/1 payday. If both come through, you'll have enough to buy your own Drew Stanton jersey and a game-used crutch to complete the ensemble. And if TOSU scores a late touchdown to reduce the final margin of victory to 28, at least you'll have broken even and had a great time watching the game.

Wow, that was multiple paragraphs, like, multiple times! Don't expect this kind of production out of me every week. If there was a fantasy blogging league I'd obviously have a little orange flag next to my name right now but the fantasy analysis on my player page would recommend keeping me on the bench in all but the deepest blogger.com-only leagues.

2008-09-12T14:35:00.002-05:00

Whoops!

Apparently I missed a couple of games for this week.

Minny (+2) VS Indy
Peyton Manning looked like a shell of his former self on Sunday night. I was delighted. Few sports moments in my life have been as pleasing as watching him lose the Heisman trophy to Charles Woodson. One of the worst sports moments in my life was watching him shit the bed against Nebraska that same year, giving Nebraska an undeserved share of the national title with Michigan. I hope his leg falls off.

Baltimore (+4.5) @ Houston
The only reason that I can see for Houston being such a favorite in this game is that people are banking on a 'feel good story' like the Saints post-Katrina. I hate feel good stories.

2008-09-12T14:26:00.005-05:00

Accepted.

Whatchu got on my 40, homey?

I can barely take my own stench. There are men in helmets outside my apartment right now standing in and around two big holes. The men speak Spanish and have fun looking jackhammers and not fun looking shovels nearby them. There is piping around the dirt piles ready to go down in the holes and when connected to the piping in my building, water will resume flowing to my shower head when I want it to and then get a nice lather going on my greasy hair and malodorous crotch.

An hour ago I got a nice reminder of how much moving sucks when my boss dropped off a computer for me to use at home, even though I'm well enough to go to the office. She's concerned that I could get too tired at work but apparently not concerned about me carry desktop pc components up two flights of stairs. Maybe there's an unspoken message here.

Before that I got a nice workout walking to my neighborhood Whole Foods. Unlike the Doc's neighborhood, I don't have a wares peddling homeless fella in my neighborhood. Our homeless prefer to just ask directly for your money with nothing in return, except for the Street Sense guys.
"Buy Street Sense for one dollar. Help the homeless help themselves."
"No thanks, I just read it online."
On the same block on the corner sits a line of Hispanic guys sitting on crates waiting for a truck to pick them up and take them to a job site. They may be illegal, but in my book they're only guilty of wearing bad tee-shirts. Ever wonder where that Bon Jovi 1987 tour tee-shirt went after you threw it off while drunkenly running into the waves on the Jersey Shore? Cue the "solved" music from Unsolved Mysteries. Located a block away from my apartment. But these guys never ask for a cent.

If you're saying to yourself, "This is sounding a little racial.", rest assured that it's not the homeless or Hispanic that piss me off the most in my neighborhood, it's the Greenpeace assholes.
"You look like someone who cares about the environment!"
"Ha! Why is that?"
"Because everyone under the age of 95 has to care about the environment."
"But-"
"Are you a member of Greenpeace?"
"No."
(attempts to convince me to become member)
"OK, great, good luck with that."
What a horrible existence. Had she been honest and said I look like I care about the environment because it was clear I had not showered, maybe I would have considered joining before purchasing plastic trash bags and petroleum based cleaning products at CVS.

If only there was a way to announce to all the neighborhood parasites how much I got taken to the cleaners in my NFL picks last week. Look at me Greenpeace asshole. I'm really dirty and poor looking. I do not have money to save the whales unless you can prevent Colts from being mauled by Bears - greatest threat to my ROI. The worst part is that even after I lost on that game, I was dumb enough to make another fucking deposit (AFD) and bet and lose on both of the Monday night games. So Doc, assuming you can be trusted to count correctly, that 6-7 is really 6-9. But since the challenge has just been presented, that 6-9 (duuuuude, 6-9!) is history. 0-0. Just like the Lions record at the high point of every season.

I accept your challenge. And let me up the ante, with this here bag of medical waste.

I kid. Don't worry, Greenpeace, I'll flush that down my toilet for the whales to play with. In honor of today being Friday, and the NFL bigness of him, I'm contributing the autographed photo of Tommy "tiny" Lister, aka Deebo at the top of this post. Just bought it on Ebay (note, no Sarah Palin ebay joke here. Doesn't mean I don't wish her to be thrown off that bridge to nowhere).

On to the sports..

Before we get to the main course, here's some ~~red meat~~ black and white pudding I want to throw at you:

Liverpool vs. Manchester United, 7:45AM Saturday - DRAW (3.05)

Cristiano Ronaldo, the moist-inducing Man U winger, is still out with injury. Without him they are a good side but haven't shown the ability to break down a decent opponent's defence with Carlos Tevez and the average looking Wayne Rooney up front. The addition of Demitar Berbatov should help, but it remains to be seen whether Fergie has the stones to go with a 4-3-3 in a big game like this. On the other side, Liverpool who are coming off a lackluster performance at Aston Villa in the most boring sporting event I have ever seen, of course ending 0-0. Thank goodness for the return of Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres. With them in the squad I think they should manage a 1-1 draw at Anfield. Or 2-2 or 0-0. You'll never gamble alone if you join me and go for the 2 to 1 payout on the draw.

Main course

Middle-Eastern American selections:

Raiders (+3.5) at CHIEFS
This matchup is a grand melange of quality running backs. The Raiders come with an overstuffed fatback quarterback while the Chiefs come with a not-so-fresh fish out of water in Damon Huard. I think. You'll find the Chiefs defense extremely tender.

BENGALS (-1) vs Titans
Just like the chili that the 'natti is famous for, the Bengals will make you shit your pants with all the offensive weapons. Like the flatulence you experience with this chili, you don't know whether the offense will be silent and/or deadly, but at home they should move the ball on Tennessee like a turd going down toilet bowl.

Colts (-2) at VIKINGS
The Colts, a longtime chef's special, were so bad that I wanted to send my large dish of them back to the kitchen. But I just ended up getting thrown to the rats out back in the alley. I'll take my chances and order them again before giving up on them for good.

REDSKINS (+1) vs Saints
The Redskins, like buttered red skin potatoes, are mouth watering as a home dog against a Saints team that is not to be trusted to win outside of the south. Oh wait, this is the south. Fuck it, they'll still win.

Packers (-3) at LIONS
If you order up the Lions you will end up on your knees hugging the toilet. Eyes watering not just from puking, but from feeling like a dope for having bet on them after getting destroyed by one of the worst teams in the NFL.

PANTHERS (-3) vs Bears
The Doc mistakenly had this game as in Chicago. In the ROI business a small mistake, like a small mistake operating on a human, can cost you bigtime. The Bears are not to be trusted in the south. They have too much fur to hold up in the fourth quarter. This is getting stupid.

Giants (-8.5) at RAMS
The Rams, Lions, and Dolphins should all be relegated to some other league and that league can send up their top three to take their place.

Bills (+5) at JAGUARS
The Sea-men are as bad as I thought they would be, but the Bills were still very impressive. I'll take them getting the points down in Jacksonville, which I refuse to even consider as an option because I'm too lazy to think about them and want to go shower. They wear teal. or aqua or some such shit.

Falcons (+7) at BUCCANEERS
Remember that show "Falcone" CBS was pushing during the NCAA tourney that one year? I do. And that's why you should believe me when I tell you that there is not a single team in the league Tampa should be a touchdown favorite against.

Western American and Premium Selections:

49'ers (+6.5) at SEAHAWKS
The Sea men are an awful, awful bunch. This is sure to be a bad football game, so I'll take the 49'ers just because 6.5 is a lot of points for one side to be getting in a shit on-shit-matchup.

CARDINALS (-6.5) vs Dolphins
Had Arizona not played so poorly on offense last week this would be a 10+ point spread featuring the only team in the NFC west with a win and the worst team in the league.

JETS (-1) vs Patriots
I don't trust Matt Cassell against a quality opponent. The Chiefs stink, yet the outcome of the Pats victory last week wasn't certain until about a minute left in the fourth quarter. Note: With Brady healthy, this would likely be Pats -9. In my short, terrible gambling history I have never seen one player have so much of an impact on a spread.

BRONCOS (-1) vs Chargers
Chargers are going to maybe win 8 games this year. My fantasy stud qb Jay Cutler was dominant against a good Oakland defense last week. Plus Denver gets Brandon Marshall back. It has the potential to be a decent game but Denver is better.

Steelers (-6.5) at BROWNS
No way in hell I'm losing betting on the Browns two weeks in a row.

Eagles (+6.5) at COWBOYS
This is the kind of game that's going to be good enough to just watch, but putting some green on the Eagles, like doing a bump of cocaine while driving a go-kart, will make it even better. Why eagles? Because every half-assed Redskins fan hates the Cowboys the most*.

TEXANS (-4.5) vs. Ravens
Texans will drill, drill, drill the Ravens with their Johnson. No way Joe Flacco starts out 2-0.

*I am not a Redskins fan, more of a sympathizer. Don't have to be a fan of the NFC East to hate the Cowboys.

2008-09-09T19:57:00.015-05:00

Challenge!!!!

It has been quite awhile since I have contributed anything in this space. Several things have kept me from posting for the last year or whatever it has been. Chief among the reasons for my absence has been outright laziness. I enjoy partaking in what has been termed 'aggressive relaxation'. I'll be damned if I was going to let a little thing like writing for a blog get in the way of what little quality couch time I have.

My couch, a friend, a lover, and a confidant

But then I thought, 'if the Chief can take a long sabbatical, why not me?' And his so-so performance in the first week trying to pick games was the final straw. I felt it was time to throw my hat back in the ring. The Chief went a Berman-esque 6-7 last week. I thought we held ourselves to a higher standard here. A monkey throwing darts could pick the games as well. When you throw in the fact that his 'bet the farm' pick was the Colts on Sunday night, well let's just say that the hospital bills are not his only financial worry this week.

So in an effort to upgrade the caliber of this site, I am issuing a challenge to the Chief, and any other of the long missing contributors. NFL pickem challenge. Rest of the season, against the spread (Dear gamblers, this is to prevent the Chief from advising anyone to 'bet the farm' on a bet that pays 20 cents to the dollar). I offer as a prize, a brand new Drew Stanton jersey. He has never taken a snap in the NFL, automatically making him the best Lions quarterback of my lifetime. A sure collector's item.

You know you want it

First a quick Detroit report. There have been quite a few developments here in the D since I last addressed you. Our mayor has finally resigned after rampant corruption, cronyism, and hooker killing. Houses can be bought in NW Detroit for less than $500. JT, the local homeless guy who peddles his wares on my block is back on the drugs, and not nearly as nice to be around. Never has any good shit anymore, either. And just like the sun rises in the east, the Lions stink. They are terrible. I will have more on this in the future, but on to my picks...

Green Bay (-3) @ Detroit

Have I mentioned the Lions stink? They are god awful. The coaching staff is in complete denial. The GM is dumber than a sack full of hammers. The owner is a curse to the franchise and to the city of Detroit. As far as I can tell, his continued existence is only to further besmirch the Ford name as payback for Henry Ford's support of Hitler. The defense is the worst it has been in a long time. This is saying something considering it's the Lions. If you have a fantasy running back and he is playing the Lions...START HIM. I don't care if he is the goddam backup on his own team. He will get yards and probably score on the Lions. These are standing orders. Watching the Lions D last week was like watching a pack of retards try to catch a greased pig. Hilarious and sad at the same time.

Kansas City (-3.5) Vs Oakland

Uggh. Why did I start with this one? Who cares? From last weeks performance, clearly not the Raiders. KC is at home and the Raiders have no faith in Jamarcus Russell. Plus this is classic 'Damon Huard plays 3 games that get him owned in 65% of fantasy leagues' time. He will then proceed to shit the bed.

Tennessee (+1) @ Cincinnati

Cincinnati is the city that has elected George Bush twice. I was just there for a wedding last weekend. Everyone loved Sarah Palin. When asked if they really believed that creationism should be taught in school, they responded 'That's the way I was brought up.' They are in their 20's. It is a scary, scary place. Tennessee is going to win this one for Vince Young's mama.

New Orleans (-1) @ Washington

Washington is not a good team. They are a bad team. Washington fans are bad people. Anyone who half-heartedly converts to being a Redskins fan should be disowned by his real team. That is, unless his real team is the Lions. Then he should be forced to suffer that indignity forever.

Chicago (+3) Vs Carolina

Both teams had pretty impressive wins against heavily favored teams. Sorry, Chief. Chicago's defense looked pretty good, and I am still not convinced the Jake Delhomme has anything more than the occasional decent game left in him. I think it will be close, but I'll take the points.

Giants (-9) @ St. Louis

St. Louis might be worse than the Lions.

Buffalo (+5) @ Jacksonville

I think Jacksonville might have some real problems. Aside from the shooting, of course. Everyone's trendy pick to go to the Super Bowl may not make the playoffs. They may be able to fix things once the Oline gets a little healthy, but they are not this week. I also think Buffalo might be better than people think.

Tampa Bay (-7) VS ATL

This spread should be much higher. Atlanta is a very bad team. Don't be fooled by the fact they crushed the Lions. It will be a rude awakening for the Falcons when they play an NFL caliber team, even if Brian Greise is their QB.

San Fransisco (+6.5) @ Seattle

Hasselback is an old man with back problems. His receivers were all pumping gas two weeks ago. Maurice Morris is hurt, leaving Julius Jones as the only healthy back. JT O'Sullivan was let go by the Lions, so you know he must be good.

Arizona (-6.5) VS Miami

Miami is still bad. Arizona is still the Cardinals. Arizona is at that point in the season where they start everyone talking about how they were 'my upset pick to win the NFC West all along'. They will find a way to fuck it up. The only thing standing in the way of an Arizona collapse is that 6-10 might win their division this year.

Patriots (+1) @ NY Jets

I hate the Patriots. I lived in Boston in 2001 when they came out of nowhere and won the super bowl. All of a sudden everyone in Boston had been a Pats fan all of their lives. The people of Boston sicken me. But, you know Belichek always has something special for Mangini. Can't go against them till I see them lose. This must be the first time the Pats have been an underdog in some time. I think they pull this one out.

Denver (+1) VS San Diego

I don't know if you heard, but Jay Cutler has diabetes. This is the reason he has sucked. Unless Shane Merriman steals his insulin syringes to inject his steroids, Denver will win this game. San Diego has issues. I don't think LT is healthy, and they have lost some confidence. Looking over and seeing Norv Turner is your coach is not the way to regain confidence.

Pittsburgh (-6.5) @ Cleveland

Cleveland is all hype. I can't wait till they lose this game and people are calling for Brady Quinn. He will be the first gay-bashing homosexual to start in the NFL. What a time to be alive.

Philly (+6.5) @ Dallas

Both teams are pretty good. It is entirely possible that Dallas runs away with this, but I think that Philly might be better than you think. I'll take the points.

2008-09-08T08:07:00.002-05:00

Monday to do list:

-Feel like a dope for betting on the Colts
-Sit around feeling stupid
-Defecate, feel sorry for self during it

2008-09-07T19:17:00.003-05:00

Sunday Night Sweat

COLTS (-515) vs Bears
Confidence level: High, like an Indiana Silo.

Comments: Sometimes you gotta strap it on and go all-in. Bet the farm.

2008-09-05T21:42:00.002-05:00

TGIF!

Haven't quite figured out this being sober game. Lets just suppose I did work today, which is not true. As it were, I would have left my building at 5:30 PM, walked to the Metro, Metro'd to my stop, walked to my building and arrived at between 5:50 and 5:55 PM. At that point I would have mail to go through. Hospital bill. Promotional golf magazine. Assorted gambling fliers. I would perhaps expel waste and change clothes. Time would be up to 6:20 maybe. Flip open laptop, investigate the happenings in the world between 5:29 and now 6:22. Television: turn it on. Left on channel 36, CNN.

Why do networks put the good games, the good comedians, the news, all the good stuff on late? So that when you wake up and inevitably turn on the TV you are already on their channel. Every late football game a network gets you to turn to gets you twice.

But I had all day to get to this point. Hit guide. Worthless Sportscenter: no. Turn to local news, hear stories of badness in places you know or know of. 6:50. Baseball game may start at 7. Football? It's Friday and you're getting the shit game of the week. Damn you Friday.

Friday is the damn sabbath to the football religious. They make you go to high school games, spend time with friends or loved ones with no football, or stay home and suffer through a game between post-secondary schools with a seminary school level of excitement.

Shit, now what? It's 6:58, don't care about the Nationals or Orioles, Cubs or White Sox, too early for a TV movie. Put on music, make some dinner. Breathe. Dinner is finished, 7:36. Need some end punctuation for the meal, something with sugar. Cookies, ice cream. Devour large portion and feel guilty about consuming a large amount of sugar. I'm doing nothing different from what I imagine an average Iowan to be doing at this point in the day.

What to do with that city outside? Movie! Movie over at 9:30 PM. Not tired, full of popcorn and caffeinated beverage. Damn it. See others dressed up, big nights underway, feel a little jealous. Get home at 10:15 PM. Nothing of note on TV, Not interested in another movie, no emails. No calls, no texts. Wait patiently for tiredness to come.

No unnecessary shots, no altercations. No regretful comments to think about when opening eyes in the morning. No vomiting. No guessing how much money was spent. It is clear in mind that the movie was $10.50, the popcorn was $6.75, and the cab taken from the Metro upon discovery of downpour was $7 after a generous tip. No ninja exit. No crumpled receipts in my pocket to shamefully straighten and examine and re-crumple and discard. There will be no headache, no dire need for coffee. No chance of waking up in an unfamiliar place next to unfamiliar person.

But tomorrow there is football so be fucking thankful for that.

2008-09-05T15:23:00.003-05:00

Possession Receiver Dreamin'

Last night I started off the season right by going to a bar to watch the opening game of the NFL season with some friends. I drank three or four waters - my tolerance for the shit is through the roof. I was out with a small group of 'skins fans. No team is another team's bitch like the Lions are for the Redskins, but in the four years of living in The District my hating of them has softened. It's more fun in town when the locals are fired up about their team.

So I decided to not tell them that I bet against their team. It's not as easy as I thought to sell yourself as somewhat of a Redskins fan, as I told them I was, while badly needing them to lose by six or more points. Thankfully, I have Santana Moss on my fantasy team, and when he scored the one 'skins touchdown they were losing by 16. In the fourth quarter, however, it was extremely difficult to stay cool when the Redskins had no chance of coming back from the nine point deficit but had a great chance of scoring a cover-busting touchdown. To the endzone and...right off the shoulder of James Thrash. Nothing's easy. A few plays later, another big drop.

I ended up escaping with a nice cover to start the season, but I felt a little bad for hating on the home team. Those drops really got me thinking about the Lions. As talented as the Lions receivers are, you can't count on any one of them to catch the ball reliably. Back in the good old days of the 1990's when Herman Moore and Brett Perriman were out there, they had some pretty suspect quarterbacks throwing to them but when they managed to get the ball near one of those guys it was almost always caught. It wasn't something you needed to sweat, they played like it was their job to catch the football. Roy Williams and Calvin Johnson are probably both faster than those guys, and are definitely bigger and stronger. They are more talented. But would I trade Moore and Perriman for them? Hell2daNaw! And the Redskins fans have a HOF player by the name of Art Monk to think about while James Thrash blows an albeit meaningless touchdown catch. And that must suck even more.

This season I'm going cheer more for the Redskins. They're better than the Lions, but within their respective divisions, they sit at about the same level. They have about the same chance of making the playoffs. And that chance is about as big as me getting a bj with my IV in my arm tomorrow morning. So fight for old DC, fellas, and thanks for fucking up at the end of the game last night and allowing me to profit.

on to the 4:15 games...

CARDINALS (-2.5) at 49'ers
confidence level: so high there's smoke coming from my wings

Comments:
This is one for you (me) to go heavy on. Forget the connotation associated with "Arizona Cardinals". This team is going to be pretty decent this year. I should put a futures bet on them to win the NFC West, I like them so much. They should have a decent running game with James and Hightower and should put up big numbers in the passing game with Warner throwing to Boldin and Fitzgerald considering the defenses they will face, which include the Rams and...yes, the San Francisco 49'ers! While the 49'ers defense will suck against the Cardinals, that is all secondary to the fact that they are starting a former Detroit Lions backup named JT ~~Squared~~ O'Sullivan.

CHARGERS (-9) vs Panthers
confidence level: Bolstered, like a burger with the addition of bacon and avocado

Comments:
I wasn't crazy about this game at first until finding out that Steve Smith is suspended and won't be playing for Carolina. If you have owned Steve Smith on your fantasy team in the past several years you know how important he is to that offense. The Chargers still have Mr Field Turf, LT, a good defense, and other men...arghh, nine is a LOT of points. Just click "place wager" and take this loss like the strong, dignified man that I am not.

CLEVELAND (+6) vs Cowboys
confidence level: Down, like the syndrome. While people with down syndrome have special needs, they are not completely stupid. My friend's brother with d.s. remembered my name after not seeing me for several years. That's impressive to me as someone who doesn't know the people half the names in my phone go with. From now on, put a last name too, or at least something like "ass", "legs", or whatever attribute helps you remember. "Taint".

Comments:
Game of the day? Probably. I don't particularly like this game from a betting standpoint, but it'll surely be on tv, and you know what that means. Dallas is better. No need to give a team preview here, you can look that up somewhere else. But Cleveland's got some ways to hurt you with their offense, they're at home, and six points is a lot for an upwardly average team to be getting at home, so take 'em.

Good luck laying off the hot amateur action Saturday. If you must have a taste, I suggest taking a big lick of West Virginia and a double scoop of Georgia.

2008-09-03T11:13:00.013-05:00

Someone better notify Zurich about this.

If you would have put in a fresh 2000 Flushes in your toll-a-bull after I wrote the last post here, it would be about time to change it.

Uptuh foah mutz!

I decided that since this blog has serves no real purpose to anyone, most importantly me, and I had real work to do at my job, that thing which allows me to pay bills, and personal email seems to have been restored at my job giving me ample opportunity to briefly step away from the work at said job and make stupid comments to friends distracting them from their jobs, why bother with this. "This shit is bullshit!", I thought.

But then I started thinking about some stuff and I got to thinking, "This thing I'm thinking about right now is so awesome that I better, for the good of the world, write it all out and share it with that world so that the world can share in my awesomeness. And I'll do this sharing by posting it to the internet. And somehow, my point of view on this topic will be so special that although the professional media has covered this topic thoroughly, my blog post will stick out and serve a great need of the public. I'll throw in personal experience that no one else can, and it will move readers so much that when the readers are done with my blog post they will be chuckling and then implore everyone they know to read it because it is so great. The blog post I made. Will I shy away from assuming a controversial stance on a subject? No. I will boldly hide behind my made-up pen name and write whatever the fuck I want! Down with the mainstream media, and up with me!"

My blog hating softened recently when my friend informed me that some visitor arrived at her blog by google searching "camel toe drool". That just warmed my heart. If not for blogs, where would the most depraved navigateurs of the internet steer their ships of shame? Porn? Yes, but not always. Sometimes they would accidentally arrive at some completely inappropriate site for them, like wikipedia or ebay or deadspin. It's best for those folks to be stumbling onto sites with comments sections so that they can release that murderous, perverted energy in a few poorly constructed sentences that in the end won't hurt anyone.

So, in an effort to attract a visitor doing a "football hair fuck gamble" search...

Today, as most of you (notice how i'm making the assumption that multiple people will read this. so full of myself) already know, is the start of the NFL season. I like betting on NFL football games. Like a pedophile is nervous for the first day of school, I am excited about betting on NFL football games. Don't get me wrong, it's fun to bet on college games too, but I am terrible at it and wish the United States government could make some law to prevent me from being able to do it so easily. Please, save me from myself! It's your job to protect the best financial interests of me and my family, right?!

Here's what I am betting is going to happen in the NFL games tomorrow and at 1PM Sunday. Others to follow at some point (home team in caps):

Thurday:
GIANTS (-4) vs Redskins
Confidence level: High, like a cool kid at a high school freshmen outdoor retreat

Comments: As a DC resident I can tell you this: the Redskins have some issues. New coach, team that got annihilated in its preseason games, especially in the one "important" preseason game. Reminds me of when the Lions got crushed by the Rams that one game three MNF preseason game about five or six years ago. You tried to tell yourself that it didn't mean anything, but you knew they were going to suck really bad that year. And they did. I know the Giants will be without Osi, but they should still be fine against this Redskins offense that has given no reason to expect they will start out the year as the kind of team that can win or come very close to winning a road game against a decent team like the Giants.

Sunday 1PM:
Bengals (-1.5) at RAVENS
Confidence level: Moderate, like the Republican that you're friends with

Comments:
Living in the Bal-Wash area, this game is going to be on tv, so I might as well bet on it. I was about to start writing how Chad Johnson is hurt and who knows how bad the Cincy defense is and you have to take the home dog in this one. But then I remembered one key piece of information regarding the Ravens. Starting quarterback is...Joe Flacco, rookie, out of Delaware. I'll tell you something about Delaware. It's no fun to drive through. And the name Joe Flacco makes me think about the word "flaccid" and the person Joey Buttafuoco and then John Wayne Bobbitt for some reason. Could Joe Flacco go out there and light it up? Yes. Am I going to bet he doesn't? Yes.

Lions (-3) at FALCONS
Confidence level: Low, like that band. In high school I knew some older, cool, mature, unemployed people who liked them. I will forever associate that band with getting alcohol bought for me by older kids with believable fake IDs.

Comments:
I would love to not bet on this game as there are much better options out there. But I'm not bright enough to not bet on a Lions game, and sadly, I'll be betting on the Lions. The Lions did well in the preseason, have a good rookie running back, and an olde fashioned "opportunistic" Tampa-fold defense you can hang your sombrero on. The Falcons, like the Ravens, will be starting a rookie qb. However, while "Joe Flacco" inspires thoughts of offensive flaccidness (flaccidity?), I could see Ryan doing some work on the Lions. They also have Michael Turner, who should do well at running back. Still, I see the Lions somehow winning this game because Kitna hasn't been concussed yet this year and they should be able to run on the Atlanta defense. Note: I did not believe myself when I wrote that last sentence. The Lions will fuck this game up and I will lose money as a result.

STEELERS (-7) vs. Texans
Confidence level: Medium, like my 2nd favorite Marlboros, behind 27's, during my smoking era. What a douche I am, writing "my smoking era". And even worse am I for writing that last sentence instead of rewording it.

Comments:
The Steelers are going to win this football game. Mark it down. I plan on parlaying this money line, -280, with the Eagles money line (-360) for a nice Pennsylvania special which will turn into a nice -136. Less than 1:1 but a pretty safe way to make some money. I'm about as sure that the Steelers are of covering the 7 as I am that Pennsylvania is one of those "commonwealth" states, like Virginia. I think the Texans will have a decent year, and hopefully my fantasy wideout Andre Johnson does well, but I see this as a 20 point Steelers win.

TITANS (+3) vs. Jaguars
Confidence level: Fair, like the mothafuckin' 4H, bitch.

Comments:
Both teams have good defenses. Jags offense: good running game, not known for their passing prowess. Titans offense: Known for how good their skilled players were in college. I'll take them as a home dog in this one.

Side note: Mike Huckabee has the perfect basketball PA announcer voice. Just picture it: "Notre Dame foul called on number four, David Rivers. His first, the team's second."

I'm making myself watch the RNC to stay as centered as possible. I'll say, the Palin daughter is mighty impregnantable. So that's what all the "drill now" signs are about.

PATRIOTS (-16.5) vs Chiefs
Confidence level: Lots, like Big Lots, the king of bargain stores. Stop by the frozen food section and pick yourself up some Tabatchnik brand barley soup, value conscious, brand aware middle American!

Comments:
I know, I know. 16.5 pts...that's a lot of points. But at the 11 minute mark of the 1st quarter that number is down to 9.5. At the end of the 1st it's 2.5 and the Pats have the ball. This is like a pre-conference college football game between a national powerhouse and a directional school. Don't be afraid of the number. Remember Brody Croyle at Alabama? He's in charge of throwing footballs for Kansas City this year. Go with Brady, leave Brody for someone else to waste to waste money on.

Jets (-3) at DOLPHINS
Confidence level: Towering, like a new unsold Miami ocean view condo unit

Comments:
Jets have themselves a qb this year. Their old guy is playing for the other team. They also have plenty of fans in south Florida. What else.. Jets have a better defense. This game bores me already. Better bet something extra to make sure I'm interested.

BILLS (-1) vs Seahawks
Confidence level: Up, like upstate NY, home of the most under-hated-on accent in the US. Awful. Good folks up there though.

Comments:
Lots of games this week close to pick 'ems. This does not mean that they will be close, it just means that nobody really has a clue what's going to happen. So this and all those other tight-lined games are like those SEC night games between the good teams. You don't know what's going to happen, but you know you'll be watching, so you might as well bet on it (the Arnie rule). Unlike those SEC games, you won't be watching this one most likely, unless you put some action on it, which is what I'll be doing. That makes sense I reckon. I like the home team here. Remember when the Rams went from being a good team to an awful team despite having a decent qb? I see this as the year Seattle joins them, at least on the road. Arizona's going to win this bad division.

EAGLES (-7.5) vs Rams
confidence level: Un, as in the uncomfortable fullness after finishing a big10 burrito.

Comments:
I could not be more confident that the Eagles will win this game, but that 7.5 sits about as well with me as a milkshake after a keg stand. It's like how they talk about Anne in Office Space just looking like the kind of chick who would, you know... But hey, I don't want any part of the Rams in this one. The Eagles D should be pretty damn good this year after picking up Asante Samuel. The Rams defense however, is expected to be Lionesque, or young, hungry, and opportunistic. AKA shitty.

Buccaneers (+3.5) at SAINTS
Confidence level: No, as in no rubbers. This is my don't think, just do it and worry about the consequences later pick of the week.

When a gambler and a random event like this come together and both are in bayou heat, its some animalistic, synergistic, wageristic, Discovery Channel action that isn't supposed to be beautiful or romantic. It just happens and you can't stop it. I recommend going outside your house until 12:58PM Sunday, then sprinting inside and making the pick just before it goes off the board. You'll feel proud of yourself for getting it in and you won't start second guessing yourself for taking a stance on this game for two hours. I like betting on highly concussable, cancer-ridden quarterbacks like Jeff Garcia the first week of the season.

So there you have it. I'm looking to have something on every game this week and hopefully every game this season. I've got some extra money because I'm recovering from a serious illness and can't drink for a few more weeks. I plan on modifying my three-step plan of

1) make deposit
2) bet on sports
3) profit

to

1) get horrible illness
2) save lots of money by not drinking
3) deposit savings
4) bet more on sports
5) profit more

So I've got that going for me, which is nice. One other nice thing I have going for me is really cool blow-dried-looking hair when I wake up. I need a haircut, but since I can't go out and carouse, there really is no point right now. Instead, I'll keep waking up and admiring this beautiful thicket in the mirror.

2008-05-06T10:37:00.008-05:00

I'm not just some data object for you to manipulate.

Stop. Take your hands off the keyboard for a second and listen to me. I've had a great time tonight. I really want us to save this current workspace for you to load the next session we have together because I think we have a lot to offer each other. I have so much information I would like to share with the right user and you seem to have all the right research questions. But we can't just rush into it and expect to accept or reject every null hypothesis on the first date.

Take some time to get to know my variables. You'll find that I'm quite complex and if we were to skip the skip the basic descriptives and summary plots, any analysis between us would be built on false assumptions. I have many outliers so it's going to take more than a five number summary to get to know me. My numeric data isn't all continuous and it's anything but ordinal. I'm glad you find me attractive, but I have high dimensionality, so keep in mind that the scatter plot you see is just a projection onto a two-dimensional space. I'm so much more than that.

What I'm trying to say here is that you can't just take me out to dinner and expect me to show you my eigenvalues. I hope I'm wrong, but the way you're staring into the monitor at me looks like you can't wait to do a singular value decomposition on me and cast me aside into the null space. if you think you can just perform operations on me iterating on to infinity just as long as your do-while condition for me is true, get ready for an unexpected break, buddy. I'm not the type of data set that is going to let you stick your imputations into my missing values on some busted-up laptop in the mens room of a Caribou Coffee.

Look, I know you're an experienced modeler and this isn't exactly the first time I've been modeled. But that doesn't mean you can just take me out back, orthogonalize my vectors, and corrupt them with white noise. I'm a clean data set and bug free - you can do a virus scan on me - and want to stay that way, so don't go merging me with some of the dirty data sets you've had on your all-nighters back in grad school.

I can't tell you the number of times that I thought that what I had was a true causal relationship. But then you wake up one morning and find yourself in some fancy nonlinear model with all kinds of elaborate constraints set on your variables, but the starting values weren't set right and you end up at a saddle point or an infinite abusive loop that never converges.

So before we go any further, I want you to you save what we started together tonight. I'm not saying that I don't want to be with you if you're not ready to commit to creating an output file from me, but my utility clock is ticking. Before long some hot little data set will come from the next survey cycle and I'll get relegated to the archives page ten layers deep from the home page that once featured a direct link to me. I see great potential for a great fitting model between us, but I just need to make sure you're the right user so that I don't end up just feeling used.

(Credit goes to Arnie for SVD and outlier comments in a very nerdy gtalk conversation today.)

2008-05-02T13:50:00.005-05:00

Runs in the family

If you are a runner living in an urban or perhaps suburban area, you no doubt have experienced a person or persons on the street yelling something at you. I'm not a female but I imagine that females hear grunting noises like "mmmhmmm!", followed by some sort of invitation for them to stop their run and go get intimate with the stranger. These invitations are probably similar to "Hey baby, how'd you like to come back to my place and run yourself up and down my cock?", or "Hey baby, I've got an eliptical for you, right here (gestures to crotch)!

Male runners unfortunately do not receive these kinds of warm sentiments from women often. Instead, males - or maybe it's just me - get yelled things from teenagers thinking that they are more clever than they actually are. The best one I've heard is "You can't run from your problems!". True dat. More common, unfortunately, is "Run, Forest!", and the jackass always laughs in a self-satisfied way that is clear that they think they are the first person to ever think to yell that at a runner.

This can occur at any point in your run. If you hear this at mile 12, your brain may not be able to think fast enough to return fire on the little prick, and you may find yourself not being able to sleep later because you want a bucket of hot epoxy to be poured over the little twit's face. This is why it's important to have a comeback ready for when this occurs.

The last time I got the old "Run, Forest!", I was on Independence Ave crossing 14th St SW. A fat kid yelled it in a southern accent. The little peckerhead was with a few of his contemporaries, who appeared to be in the 12-14 year range. Somehow I immediately came up with a retaliatory shot.

"I take it that the only thing that runs in your family is obesity."

Had I been wearing contacts or stopped to observe the target, I surely could have done some more damage, but the job got done. Others at the intersection laughed and clapped and the little bastards didn't say another word.

There are undoubtedly other powerful patriot missiles to fire at the scuds of asshole tweens, but put that "the only thing that runs in your family --" in your arsenal. Observe the punk. Quickly identify his (or her) flaws, particularly those that could be genetic, and stick it in their ear.

2008-05-02T11:50:00.004-05:00

DC Bocce court maintenance a great success, but still no berms

"Ugh, sometimes I just hate being so involved in our neighborhood association."
"I know what you mean. Just look at our park. It's just littered with those...people. They act like it's theirs, like it's everyone's."
"Yeah, totally. This week at work I am going to get a big bunch of pamphlets printed up that we can pass out to all of the trespassers of our Garfield Park to let them know that we wear the pants around here."
"Well you do, at least. I'll stick to my jean shorts."
"Those are really nice, are they new?"
"Sure are. Get used to them because I have six more pairs just like them."

"OMFG, what the hell is that awful monster doing on MY park!??"

"Um, excuse me. Excuse me, what is that, that...thing doing taking giant dumps in these horrible sand boxes?"
"Yes, when our neighborhood agreed to let you guys come in here every week to trample our park while you throw your stupid balls around, I do NOT recall agreeing to allow big ugly trucks drop piles of whatever that gross stuff is while tearing up OUR grass."

[court maintenance crew politely explains that they are doing court maintenance and that they would make sure no tire marks or other markings from the delivery would be there at the end of the day.]

"You guys just don't understand the impact that the league has on the park. It gives me nightmares."
"Seriously. Do you know what these things look like? They look like giant troughs. Can't you try to make them a little less ugly? Why are there no landscaped berms flowing naturally up the sides of the trough walls? That's the vision I had in my head. BERMS, and lots of them. Why is my berm fantasy not yet a reality?"

[court maintenance crew reminds the two gentlemen that the league has made a strong effort to maintain the courts so that they are both functional and nice looking and will continue to do so.]

"What you guys need to keep in mind is that we have very high standards of aesthetics for our recreational pieces..."

[Ten yards from the site of the conversation is a poorly maintained horseshoe court]

"... so what we were looking for when my neighborhood agreed to let you play with your balls in this public park was to not put in anything that goes against the natural feel of the park, nothing that is, to be frank, so gauche as a pair of bermless troughs."
"Guys, the city doesn't give us the money to keep the park beautiful with everything we want for it. Last month we walked into City Hall with a proposal for what our neighborhood association agreed would be a fantastic addition to the playground - a fifteen foot magenta phallus with a rope attached to the top for the kids to use to climb up it - and we were not-so-politely told to go home. So you see, it's hard working with the city. We have to put up our own money to make the improvements that need to be made."

[The two gentlemen finally leave, satisfied that they really let the crew know who ran things around Garfield Park. Other residents come by to thank them for keeping up the courts and to wish them well.]

2008-04-23T12:57:00.008-05:00

No Victory BJs for Moral Victors

I entered and started the 2008 Boston Marathon with one goal in mind: break three hours and never run 26.22 miles all at once ever again. I failed. I was on pace for the first eighteen miles, but started to crap out bigtime in Newton and slowed more and more every mile over the last eight, finally carrying my flaccid corpse over the finish line in just over 3:11.

It was a beautiful day in New England Monday, a nice change from last year when it was cold, rainy, and windy. Last year I wore a light fleece which turned out to be too much. This year, instead of just wearing a normal shirt I had to go and wear my Arsenal jersey which is the shiznit, but is also 2x as heavy and probably 4x as water absorbent as a running shirt that I would normally wear. The sun is hot. While running, this hotness (like C&C Music Factory) is gonna make you sweat. That handsome jersey, starting at about the halfway point, became saturated with my man-coolant. At some point in Newton a shirtless runner strongly suggested taking it off, that I would feel a lot better. I took his suggestion and finished running the Newton Hills topless. The guy was right on the money. I was much cooler and I held my pace. The only problem was that I had to then carry a soaked soccer jersey. While it wasn't really "heavy", anything that goes against the running motion is noticeable in a marathon, so I put it back on at about the 22 mile mark. Just before I finished the race, I heard the same guy yell "Hey, didn't I tell you to take that off?". Yes sir...

While the jersey sucked as a marathon shirt, I have no regrets about wearing it because it resulted in a surprising number of vocal reactions from spectators. This was good for two reasons:
1) It feels good to get an cheer directed specifically at you when you are one of tens of thousands. It gives you an instant burst of energy, followed by a comedown. It's like cocaine in that respect.
2) The fact that I got hundreds of "Go Arsenal!", "Gunners!", and "I hate Arsenal!", "Go Liverpool!", etc... cheers from spectators reacting to me wearing the Arsenal third (alternate) jersey, indicating quick recognition of the team and in many cases being an actual fan is an encouraging sign for the sport. Even more encouraging was that most of these cheers came from college age or younger students, and not all guys. Many of the most excited Arsenal fans were girls, and a pleasing percentage of these girls were of the i-want-to-penetrate variety.

As I have stated previously, the prospects for the growth of interest in world class soccer in this country is tied to hot girls aware of the top players and wanting to have sex with them, especially if they don't look like Jimmy Bullard.

So despite my race going all too much like Arsenal's season - starting out strong, sustaining, but faltering down the stretch - the great support the crowd gave me and probably more accurately Arsenal, left me with a great feeling to go along with the horrible feeling of deep pain I still have in my legs. But still, the most important point here is that I failed out there, and now I have to see if I can really quit these stupid physically debilitating events or like a true addict go back for just one more fix. And while the growth of soccer may be tied to hot girls giving BJs, my prospects of not having to get multiple knee surgeries by age 45 depends on me not receiving sympathy BJs after this failure. And so far, so good with that!

One final note: I LOVE the wonderful girls of Wellesly College. It cannot be overstated how great it feels to run by the wall of sound. Some runners strongly suggest not getting wrapped up in this, but I dove in like a champ, high-fiving as many of you as possible. I want all of you inside me.

2008-04-20T20:30:00.003-05:00

Return of the Logan Circle Jerk

This morning I was walking from my apartment to the Metro. I was listening to my ipod like any nice young urban professional would be doing when I heard a voice behind me.
"Hey, excuse me."
I did not respond.
"Excuse me."
This time I paused my ipod, removed one earphone, and turned around.
"Excuse me. Hey man, dude, you look exactly like this guy I knew from GW man. Did you used to swim for GW because you totally look like this--"
"No. And you've tried this on me before."
I turned around, plugged my ear bud back in, and resumed walking towards the Metro station. Fifteen seconds later I looked back and the guy was now on the other side of the street, standing behind a sign, staring at me.

Longtime readers may remember this post from way back in the year 2006. Note that when I wrote that post, it was the second time the same guy had approached me. Today Mr Creepy got himself the hat trick. I am dumbfounded by this. I live in a densely populated area. How is it possible for this to have happened three times in the roughly two years I have lived in my neighborhood? Does he try this on other gentlemen? And does it ever work? Apparently I have more self esteem than I used to, as I didn't listen to his whole shit this morning. But I was in a hurry. I kind of wish I could have heard what terms for the deal he was going to throw out there. Did biker short/shortless modeling go with the overall economy or was it one of those special things like alcohol that is recession-proof? I also wonder whether I should have called the police to report him. The guy was clearly a weird-o, but had he done anything illegal in the previous two propositions? Eh, fuck it.

I was going to the Metro this morning because I needed it to take me to the airport (if you're a michigan resident this public transportation to the airport concept may sound a little freaky, but stay with me) because I needed a plane at the airport to take me to Boston. In Boston I boarded the T at the airport to take me into town where I picked up my race pack for the Boston marathon which I will be running in for the second year in a row. You can read all about that here. Some of it's actually pretty decent. It's weird looking back and seeing that I used to really get inspired. Thank gawd those days are behind me.

I am currently in a bed in the attic of an unknown family's home in Medford, MA. Just like last year, I went to "temporary housing" on craigslist to find a place to stay that would save me some money. Unlike last year, it actually worked out. You can read about that in one of those links above. They are nice people and they have three children who are excited to have a runner staying with them. I gave the children some free crap from the race pack and expo because that is what I understand you do. Give them free shit that they can fight over and then break or forget about completely after one hour. Maybe one day those little kids will grow up and decide to waste shitloads of time training for events they have no chance of winning in like me. Fuck, I'm so fucking good with kids...

Time for bed. I'll tell all four of you readers how the race turned out. I won't win, yet I'll receive a participatory medal and heaps of praise. A runner must have come up with the idea for the Special Olympics.

2008-03-18T08:44:00.008-05:00

Fed To End "Crisis of Confidence" With Cocaine

"There is no better stimulus package than an actual package of stimulant."

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernake announced Tuesday morning a plan to restore confidence in the US financial markets by distributing a massive amount of cocaine to US investment bankers. The news was well-received by investors and Wall Street traders in lower Manhattan.

"One thing is for certain -- we're in challenging times. But another thing is for certain -- that we've taken strong and decisive action," President Bush told reporters shortly after distribution began. "Operation Line Drive began at 8AM this morning, with bales of cocaine attached to parachutes dropped from Apache helicopters all over lower Manhattan. We needed to get the cocaine to the investment bankers before the markets opened, and we have done just that."

The cocaine, like food and cash drops by the US military over Iraq and other nations facing their own crises, has made its way to those who most need it, although inevitably some did end up in the hands of members of the populace not involved in investment banking. The highly active homeless population at Battery Park was evidence of this. "We knew that some of the cocaine would end up in the wrong hands, but these are trying times. We saw the only solution was to just drop more cocaine in hopes that the investment bankers would get enough to restore their shattered confidence."

The cocaine has already restored the confidence of one trader. "I was really down about everything about an hour ago. The Bear Stearns thing and everything was a real flatliner. It wasn't until I got all this cocaine that I remembered that I'm the fucking man. This is a tough city and a tough business. Only the smartest and most powerful people like me can survive and even thrive through all of this. God damn I'm fucking important. Hey, you got a cigarette?"

Traders are bracing for an enormous volume of trades. "I don't really have any idea what these dudes are going to be up to today, but it's gonna be something. Definitely going to be heavy action. I have a feeling that these guys are going to try to prove to themselves they are the bigshots they really think they are. I just hope they're not so coked up that I won't be able to understand the orders."

2008-03-07T14:59:00.007-05:00

Donuts Cigarettes Coffee

About a fifteen second walk out of my office to the main hallway and into the next office suite area on a metal book shelf sits two boxes containing delicious donuts. If there was a crisis situation necessitating me getting to the donuts sooner than fifteen seconds, I could probably get there in six, eight seconds tops. The donuts came from one of those really good bakeries. This morning I had just one, an old fashioned sour cream glazed jobber. Those good bakery donuts have the perfect balance of sugar, fat, and structure so that their goodness lasts throughout the day, unlike krispy kremes that go to total shit. The once nice glaze on those krispy kremes starts to melt when they start a-rubbin' together or if the temperature climbs outside of the quality control range. That melted glaze is impossible to get off your hands with just a napkin - you have to get up (if it's even possible after the shot of cholesterol hits the bloodstream) and go wash your hands or your keyboard and mouse will get all sticky. Maybe you don't care about that, but if you're at home and have roommates and one of them uses your 'puter, he or she might get sick not knowing the exact reason for sticky fingers.

That donut I had this morning delivered everything I was looking for from it. I got the sugar rush, the flavor, and then got the sugar crash and sick feeling you get after eating something so wonderfully unhealthy. I was able to not go back for another. Before lunch I went gyming and played some pickup soccer for a little bit outside. After my peanut butter and jelly sandwich I was still a bit hungry so I went to CVS and purchased mixed nuts and crackers.

Now I am full, but the nuts and the crackers are unopened. I was reminded about the donuts and pounded two more. The first had chocolate frosting and coconut. It was so damn good. The second was a cake donut with a sugar coating - not powdered sugar, the bigger granules - and that little bastard was tasty as shit too. I so far have resisted going back for my 3rd of the afternoon and fourth of the day, but there are still 2 hours left in my workday.

It's a damn shame donuts are so hard for me to process now. Donuts have been a part of my life as far back as I can remember. Back in southeastern Michigan, I remember my dad coming into the kitchen with a coffee and a box of donuts on Saturday mornings. My mom would make me eat regular breakfast before going to town on them. In southwestern Michigan, I have fond memories of family trips to Wick's Apple House, home of the most delicious donuts I have ever had. They were the type that would only be good for a day or two and were the dense cake style. All of their varieties were amazing. The plains had a perfect amount of oil on them so that they really went down easy, especially with some fresh cider. Their trademark was their cinnamon sugar variety. It was a very fine powder and was just loaded on, to the point where on most of the donuts in the dozen bags you couldn't even tell there was a hole in the middle because it was all jammed up with cinnamon sugar. I never tried snorting the cinnamon sugar because I was very young and additionally it made no sense. But what I did do was put the center sugar-rich section up to my open mouth and take a quick little breath in. It was very uncomfortable, and sometimes I ended up dropping the donut in a fit of coughing, but this was one of the stupid rituals I stuck myself with so I just did it. When I went away to college I really missed those Wick's donuts. A few times I went home and brought some back with me and shared them with my closest friends.

The first job I ever had was working cleaning machines and PC's on the shop floor at a local machining shop, and yes, donuts were a big part of my job. On Saturdays I made sure to get in before the 9:15 break because the owner of the plant would always bring in boxes of donuts to the break room. It doesn't get a whole lot better than taking off the big rubber gloves I wore while wiping down lathes and drill presses and mills with shop cloths, taking a nice sip of fresh coffee, a big bite of donut, and capping it off with the first drag of a Camel filter. On a good day, I would finish the donut, cigarette, and coffee timed so that I would hear the sound of the end-of-break buzzer from the commode I just sat down on.

That was the kind of job that a feller could do just about as well stoned out of his gourd as not, so he usually was.

I used to do a lot of thinking back then about the magical donut-cigarette-coffee interaction. I wasn't the only one either. The band fishbone wrote a song about it. I used to think about how, if I won the lottery, I would want to spend my days eating the finest donuts the world had to offer, having sex with a beautiful woman, drinking coffee, and smoking cigarettes. I figured that the sex would help keep me from becoming morbidly obese if I did it enough. Now that I'm a nonsmoker, one of the three crucial pieces is gone, so if I somehow won the lottery or a 20+ team parlay I would have to find another way to spend my time. Commercial real estate in DC is probably too expensive for a donut or coffee shop to survive, the kind I loved so much back in the Midwest. Maybe there are enough Midwesterners around here who miss 24-hour coffee shops enough that one could survive here, but it would have to be like a country club where you have membership fee and quarterly dues. Everything about it would be like a typical South Bend, IN diner with a big "EAT" sign outside though, except maybe for the crappers, which would be really nice with multi-ply toilet paper and no urine everywhere.

2008-02-22T10:49:00.007-05:00

Have I got a pop culture reference for you!

Oh my, I am really enjoying reading this. This blog post is SO FUNNY. Yet, it's not just grade A humor I'm reading here, this dude really knows what he's talking about, and he's presenting it to me in a way that someone in my generation can TOTALLY relate to. it's the whole package - la package totale.

Oh shit, you see what I did right there, without even thinking about it? I dropped a nice little pop culture reference - a reference to that one fast food commercial. Subway, I think. Meatball sub. Guy in the commercial calls it the total package then the girl in the commercial says that he's got total package on his shirt. Fuck. Maybe it was Taco Bell or maybe it wasn't called la package totale or the total package. Perhaps the word "ultimate" or "bliss" was involved. Man. I better google the shit out of that so I can load that ammo into my AK-47 clip of comments.

Hell with it, the important thing is that I am, totally without any effort whatsoever, overflowing with pop culture references. I'm like Old Faithful, but instead of a geyser, a dude. A dude who's totally in tune with the blogs that are written by and for dudes like me. The thing is, I've got all these pop culture references inside me that HAVE to come out - one way or another - otherwise this here reader is going to be less Old Faithful and more Mt St Helens. Like, this whole internet sharing exchange, man...it's like this: when I read a blog post written by one of my favorite bloggers, I can tell that if that dude who wrote it lived like down the hall in my apartment building, we would be total bros. Dawgz. That's why it's so fucking important for me to leave comments in blogs. I'll do it all day long sometimes. I have to keep reminding the author that there's a dude out there who totally diggs what he's writing. There's a dude out there who totally gets what he's saying, totally gets all the pop culture references.

When I find a blog I like, I just want to establish myself strong from comment #1, then work day and night to reinforce the fact that I'm A LOT like the blogger. So many common interests, it's fucking scary. But at the same time, I don't want to get in there and kiss the dude's ass. That's why pop culture references are so key. When I read a blogger's killer pop culture reference, and I'm like totally knowing exactly where it's from, it makes me feel welcome, at home. I just want to put my feet up on the coffee table, stick my hand down my pants, fart to warm my hand up, then crack open a beer. I'm so grateful to have something so personal, I just NEED to return the favor in the comments section. I know that if I was so moved by a particular pop culture reference by the blogger, the blogger is sure to be just as moved by a specially selected pop culture reference from me - the reader - to him. Like Newton's third law, but for blog culture.

And you know what? I've got SO MANY MORE. The vault's overflowing, man. You know that pop culture reference above? When someone reads that, they're going to be like, "Oh shit, I watch tv too. Right on..." If I leave that as a comment, it will totally connect with some other dude who watches tv and he'll have no choice but to leave a comment, directed at me using an @ followed by my moniker followed by a colon. And that comment will say, "Hey, bro, I watch tv too, so I am going to prove it by offering up this carefully selected tv-related pop culture reference.", but without really saying it.

That's why I get out of bed in the morning and hunch over my laptop all day. Because you never want to miss an opportunity to get a "+1" from a well placed Simpsons quote. What's my idea of heaven? It's the comment section of a killer blog, and nobody gets in without a score of +10.

2008-02-21T08:50:00.005-05:00

Would you like fries with tha t output file?

2008-02-19T14:20:00.006-05:00

A long, rambling, piece of sh*t that likely won't be replaced for at least a week!

It's day two back at the office after what was for me a four day weekend. I usually try to take some kind of a trip during those big ones, but having recently honored the reverend Dr Martin Luther King Jr by skiing and drinking and gambling at Lake Tahoe and with a big trip coming up to Vegas for the opening week of the great American tournament of amateurs next month, it was best for me to stay put. Deep in the country's stateless nether region, bitch. I don't need to be in a state to have a good time.

Although there were several sporting events of note that took place last week, my focus was on the left-turnathon in Daytona Beach, FL. For weeks I had planned on driving to the Buffalo Wild Wings in Fredericksburg, VA to watch the race as it was meant to be watched outside of a racetrack - with delicious hot wings, tall glasses cold light American beer, and alongside some of the finest rednecks that the mid-Atlantic region has to offer. Last year I ventured down with my buddies Keith Jenkins and the Battleship. Keith Jenkins had called down to make sure they would have the race on and the manager laughed at him over the phone before assuring that it wouldn't be a problem. We understood his reaction when we walked up to the spot in the strip mall parking lot and saw the local country station's van outside and every screen in the place on the pre-race coverage.

Unfortunately, a perfect repeat of last year was not possible for this 50th Daytoner Favre Hunnert. Battleship: In Michigan. Keith Jenkins: Work bullshit. I guess I must be one of about 1% of NASCAR fans without a car, which poses a problem when you're trying to make it to a wing purveyor fifty miles away. After consulting my life coach, I decided to not rent a car or hitch, and keep it local.

It turned out that a sports bar next to the Washington Convention Center would be featuring the race. I was a little bit surprised to find any bar in DC that would be featuring a NASCAR event, but it was the Favre Hunnert. And good for them, because there happened to be a boat show in the convention center last weekend (Oh baby, that's synergy you're feeling!) so the bar was quite busy. While this experience did not come close to approaching the cromulence of the Fredericksburg B-dubz, it was pretty damn fun. I watched the race in its entirety at the bar, mostly by myself, with a personal three liter tower of beer on the bar to my left, which seemed to really impress the other race-ists. About an hour into the tower the bartender asked if everything was alright.
"How's the beer tasting?"
"Oh, great. Thanks."
"I'm just asking because I just really like my beer cold."
"Yeah, it's not quite what it was, but it's still pretty cold. Not a problem at all."
"You know, I can throw some ice in there if you want."
"Nah, I'm good for now. Thanks."
I appreciated this genuine concern, but I guess I have a higher tolerance for warm shitty beer, and probably other shitty things, than the bartender. By the end of the race the beer was room temperature and was just awful tasting, but it was finished.

The main difference in my bar experience from the prior year was in the race fan commentary. I'm by no means an expert in NASCAR strategy, but I understand the importance of drafting and the risks of fuel-only and two tire vs four tire stops late in the race. I even sort of understand the whole loose vs. tight thing. Scratch that - I don't really think I have a good grasp on what it means to be runnin' tight other than it's not as fast as runnin' a little loose = "rear-endy" = back end having a tendancy to slide towards the outside during a turn. I better look that up at some point. Anyway, the boat show fans would pop in for a beer or two, then leave. While they were there, they really seemed to have a need to vocalize the race analysis going on in their outboard brains. About twenty-five laps in one of the boat guys would be freaking out about their favorite driver dropping from first to say fifth place. "What's he doing? He's falling back! Damn it, where are his teammates? Something's up with his engine, I just know it. Look at how he fell off there. Did you see that?", the guy will whine to his wife and brother-in-law. A more seasoned redneck, or any asshole paying the slightest bit of attention could grasp that early in a long race like the Favre Hunnert the strong cars basically take turns holding the lead for a lap in order to pick up the bonus points, and the holding the lead in lap twenty-five or one hundred fifty-five in a restrictor plate race like Daytoner means jack-T-shit. All you have to do is be in the main swarm of cars at lap 195 and you have as good of a chance as anyone else.

The race was entertaining for the most part, and I have no problem with "the Numerator" (credit: the Battleship) winning, although I would have preferred Kyle Busch holding on. At some point last year I declared Kyle Busch my favorite driver due to the following:

1) He's talented and his driving appears to be borderline reckless

and more importantly...

2) The year I came out of the NASCAR closet, Kyle was with Roush Racing - which is based between Ann Arbor and Detroit - and he declared himself a Lions fan. Now that's what I call a bold move, the kind of bold move only a Ford Driver could make. And yes, Roush cars are all Fords as far as I know. You may think Kyle Busch was just being good to his sponsor since William Clay Ford is the Lions owner, but I say that adopting the Lions is a giant step beyond any reasonable sponsor loyalty expectations. I mean, for goodness sakes, this is the Lions we're talking about! I just can't imagine what would draw a person to being a Lions fan. I've heard some hard-luck stories (note: the post in the link is not so good. Just skip to the bottom to read the quote) about how a person ended up a Lions fan, but it never has involved free will. Kyle Busch, a Las Vegas native, grew up without a hometown team so he could have chosen any NFL team to follow. He chose the Lions, and that is so insane - so "outside-the-bun" - that I just had to return the favor when I was picking a driver to support.

Around the same time that I started to follow NASCAR, I also started following professional soccer, especially the English Premier League. I was faced with a similar decision, picking a team to support in my adult life. And for that I chose Arsenal because I enjoy their style of play more than any other team, which I realized can be attributed to having the best manager in the league and possibly the world, in Arsene Wenger. Like a great college coach, Wenger not only institutes a winning system on the field, but is smart enough to know which of the great young players around the world will develop in his system, and he is ballsy enough to start an extremely young side if he feels they are prepared, when lesser managers would cave to criticism from the fans and media and pressure from ownership.

I mention Arsenal because today is the first leg of their round-of-sixteen match with defending Champions League winners AC Milan. What does AC stand for? Associazione Calcio. What does that mean? Association something, probably having to do with sports. Whatever it is, it's totally Italian, like a 40-year old bachelor still living in his parents' basement. Anyway, I went ahead and put in the sick leave papers for this afternoon so that I could catch the action on ESPN2. Is that irresponsible? Of course. Unprofessional? Shit yes. But is it any more unprofessional than writing a long rambling post during working hours?

One of the reasons why this isn't that great of a blog, other than the usually poor writing, is the lack of focus on a particular theme. This post is a great example of that. What the hell am I trying to say here? It started out as a partial long weekend recap and drifted into speculation on the meaning of certain Italian proper nouns. That's just not good writing. To get back to where I thought I was going, I'll just mention that I didn't shave at all during my long weekend, and faced a decision of what to do about that yesterday. Never in my facial hair growing life have I gone more than about five days without shaving, and for good reason. No one is going to come up to me and say "Sweet 'stache, man.", to which I would reply, "Thanks bro." But what the hell. So in a move that would have moved Kyle Orton to tears, I shaved my neck and showered and left for work. This morning I again shaved the neck area and used the beard trimmer thingy on my razor to mow it all down a bit. I look like such a toolbox that it's kind of fun. And best of all, at any moment someone is going to pop into my office doorway with a big camera to take my picture for the office intranet, a picture that will probably represent me for at least the next five years. I've got a perfect Bryant Gumbel Real Sports pose ready too. Too bad I can't get Kyle Busch's #18 shaved into the side of my head to really let 'em know I'm about bold moves.

2008-02-06T11:06:00.000-05:00

Paulson unveils "Patriotic Reacharound" for gamblers hardest hit by Super Bowl

At a press conference Wednesday morning, United States Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson introduced a plan to provide relief for gamblers who bet more than they could afford to lose on the New England Patriots and/or the over in the Super Bowl this past Sunday. The Patriots, who entered the game with an 18-0 record which included the sixteen game regular season and the two playoff games, were defeated 17-14 by the New York Giants. New England was favored by twelve points. There was also far less scoring than many anticipated, as the thirty-one total points fell well short of the fifty-four point over/under. One gambler walking from Caesar's Palace to the Super 8 motel in Las Vegas was among the hardest hit. "It's like Hurricane Katrina, but instead of New Orleans, me. And other people who bet on the over too, I guess, although I doubt anyone went as heavy on it as I did."

"The American sports betting public was misled about the ability of the Patriots to score touchdowns at will against any opponent, especially from the inferior NFC. It is the duty of the United States federal government to respond to this tremendous bedshitting which has left millions of gamblers - American gamblers - unable to make their monthly minimum credit card and subprime mortgage payments. And respond we will."

Paulson then moved on to outline the relief package to prevent the sports gambling industry from sliding towards the recession that many analysts predicted following the Super Bowl. "I propose a relief package which will be the product of extensive cooperation between the federal government, off-shore gaming websites, Las Vegas based casinos, and local bookies. My plan would offer gamblers who had bet the over or on the Patriots to cover or win outright a chance to win back some of that sweet cash. Each loser would receive a "free" credit to their account."

Paulson explained the seasonal aspect of sports betting. "It's normal for wagers to be way down in the weeks following the Super Bowl. The betting public generally favors football betting to wagers involving other sports, such as basketball. There is typically a steep drop after the Super Bowl, followed by a gradual increase as March Madness nears. This stimulus package will offer hard-luck losers a chance to make some of that money back while switching their mindset from football to basketball betting as quickly as those old Loyola Marymount teams would get the ball up the floor. We want that alimony payment to be a slam dunk for everyone who lost on the big game."

The credits would not come without a number of key restrictions. "The 'free' credit to the degenerates' accounts will require them to bet solely on college basketball." This will not only be a boost to the gaming industry, but for the television networks that broadcast the games. "Look, we all know those kids are playing their hearts out, and that's great. But for chrissakes, without any money on the line or your school playing, the shit's just plain unwatchable. Period. This plan will make everyone happy who profits from the hard work of the students playing the games."

The funding for the proposal - dubbed "The Patriotic Reacharound" - would be as follows: First, all of the scumbags losing more than 2% of their gross adjusted income would receive a credit to their gaming accounts in the amount of the losing bet on the Patriots or the over. This amount would then have to be wagered 2.5 times on college basketball events with payout of at least 1:2 before being eligible for a withdrawal. The federal government would pay for half the initial credit in each account, with the bookies/casinos absorbing any other costs to be paid out.

Market reactions were generally positive. Self described sports expert "Jimmy D" already had a plan for the Patriotic Reacharound. "I've got an amazing parlay already picked out. It's a lock! This is the greatest day of my life! Excuse me, I have to go email my bet to all my friends." A bookie who identified himself as "Friendly Freddie" was just as excited. "I love it! Hell, I'll join the charity by offering half off juice on all teasers this weekend. The junkies'll love that, because teasers NEVER lose, right? Hahaaahaa! You know what I'm talkin' 'bout, am I right?! Hahaha! Some stimulus package. It's ironical because with all the whores I'll be gettin' with my federal credits from all these suckers, it's really gonna stimulate my package, am I right? Hahahaha, yeah you know what I'm talkin' bout."

Not everyone, however, was as excited. A gambler who did not identify himself lifted up his shirt to show a poorly stitched up wound. "This ain't gonna bring back my kidney."

2008-01-29T09:59:00.000-05:00

Your urges are our kicks

Dear Restless Leg Syndrome sufferer,

What's shaking? Your friends at the Las Vegas board of tourism want to offer our warmest greetings to you and yours. There's nothing that brings us more joy than staying in touch with our extended family, which I can assure that you are a part of, brother/sister. There would be nothing that would make us happier than to have you come visit us, which is why we are so excited to offer you a FREE place to stay while you're vacationing in our little town in Clark County, NV.

Your friends at the Vegas board of tourism and Mirapex have teamed up to create the ultimate Vegas experience, exclusively for RLS sufferers. When you come to stay at Apex, the strip's hottest new gaming resort, you will be pampered to the fullest extent allowed by law, and beyond. The expertly trained staff has one core objective with respect to our guests: to enable. At Apex, every desire will be fulfilled. We will make sure every one of your whims will be carried out. Some of the features that will appeal to you:

- 24-hour pharmacy service with complimentary Mirapex to make sure you get the treatment you deserve
- Staff of doctors on site for Miraxapex dosage evaluation. The doctors are thorough and you will receive no bill.
- Complimentary shuttle bus, equipped with exercise bikes for your convenience and comfort, leaving every thirty minutes to The Bunny Ranch
- Gaming area designed especially for our RLS friends, with wide-stance enabled gaming tables, complete with foam kick boards by your feet for getting through those tough hands.
- two complimentary cocktail coupons at Urge, the fabulous nightclub at Apex
- on site Ferrari rental

Getting excited? We thought so! We here at the Las Vegas board of tourism understand what it's like to have that creepy-crawly, burning sensation that you are so familiar with in your legs at night. Many of us have the same feeling in our genitals while urinating. That's the whole idea behind Apex. We want you to feel comfortable while you walk out all of your impulses. So what are you waiting for? Come stay for free at Apex, because in Vegas, the rest of you will have your restless legs just trying to keep up!

2008-01-24T00:09:00.001-05:00

Free Advertising for the APT

(click on image to enlarge)

I don't care whether you stop by frequently or are here by accident, it's a fact that you suffer from anal fissures. Give the Chevy Chase Clinical Research group a call and ask about the anal pain trial (APT). If you are lucky enough to meet the qualifications and are selected to participate, who knows: maybe the investigational ointment will make it feel like you're expelling soft serve vanilla instead of Moose Tracks.

Ad taken from the Washington Post Express

2008-01-14T10:35:00.000-05:00

"Drink this, not that!" -That's what she said.

Back in college, I was a regular listener to the Tony Kornheiser show on ESPN radio. I was obsessed with it. Back then, Mr. Tony was a breath of fresh air among the smoggy airwaves filled with the typical local sports talk morons taking calls. Those calls always went something like this:

"Jeff in a car, what's going on, buddy?"
"Hey, long time listener, first time caller."
"Great, thanks for the call, what's on your mind, Jeff?"
"Uh hey, I just wanted to say that I'm a big Michigan fan, but I just think our offense needs to be less predictable. I mean, I want to see more double reverses out there. And flea flickers, you know, to keep them off balance. Also, I think they need to do a better job of establishing the run, you know, like Bo would have done. And on defense, I think we need to blitz more. We need to get a lot more pressure on the quarterback. And we also need to stop giving up so many big plays. We need to be a lot more aggressive on defense and not make ourselves so vulnerable to the big plays down the field. Anyway, I'll hang up and listen. Go Blue!"
"Thanks for the call Jeff."

The other national shows, especially the Jim Rome show, were probably even worse. Somehow Rome became a major sports talk radio host by doing the following:
- addressing his regular listeners as "clones", as when given the chance to call in, they spoke with the Jim Rome "in-your-face SoCal tough guy" voice
- referring to opinions as "takes", most often of the "HUGE" variety
- speaking to each one of his guests like they closed down a strip club together the previous night
- Include at least ten minutes of dead air in each hour of programming

Tony's show was completely different from every other sports talk radio program. His shows featured extensive non-sports portions. Athletes were very rarely guests on the show. The only on-air calls taken were to the point and demanded real wit.

While the show was going on, it was clear that there were multiple tv's on somewhere in the studio. We would get updates during the show about what Padma was cooking, who was on "The View", and what was featured on the "Today Show". Sound boring and stupid? Fuck you, it somehow wasn't!

When I had to wake up early in those days, I would get myself together in the morning with the Today Show on in the background so that I could become familiar with the hosts that Tony would make reference to. The ESPN Tony Kornheiser show is no longer on the air (maybe it's on the DC station still, but I no longer listen), but I continue to watch the Today Show. I admit that it is a total bullshit program that features about 15% of programming that is information that I really want to know. The rest of the time is spent talking about new books with new theories on the death of Princess Diana, Brittany Spears updates, and Al Roker making terrible puns while talking to screaming dullard families holding stupid signs or wearing hokey tee-shirts while on vacation in NYC. Before a commercial, they will sometimes mention a segment coming up later that actually sounds interesting. Unfortunately, unless you are for some reason both unemployed and up early - or a stay-at-home mom or dad - you have to leave before getting to watch it.

Last week the segment that they would mention that I wanted to see but knew I couldn't was about the caloric content (how many fucking calories there are) in beverages. This interested me because
(a) I drink. A LOT.
(b) I exercise A LOT, so that my imaginary girlfriends will appreciate my physique.
(3) I sometimes wonder if cutting back on drinking would make my workouts more effective.

As I have stated many times, the purpose of working out is to look good without your pants on. Drinking is more complicated as it serves many important purposes for many people, such as
- helps you relax and forget that you're a big fat pussy with a shit-life that you will never actually make hard changes to
- makes you do regrettable things for the amusement of yourself and/or others
- helps establish a clear line of communication between your brain and you genitals
- promotes enjoyment while inhibiting all memory of watching sporting events
- enhances loneliness
- destroys discretion in evaluating attractiveness
- provides a great excuse for actions that you want to do but would be considered a psycho for doing while sober

The list goes on and on. It's damn important. So I went online to the Today Show site to see about this whole caloric aspect of alcoholic beverages. Now here's what's going to happen here, OK? I'm going to list the beverage's name, then write the shit they say about it, and give the a-hole Today Show guest's suggested alternative. I will then write my own "HUGE take" on the beverages being compared. Here's the Today Show report, complete with the video from the show.

- Kids' Juice: I'm all grown up, so fuck this. I did have a peanut butter and jelly for lunch though, so maybe I should say something about juice. Hmm... Nope.

- Lunchbox Drinks: When I was in high school, I used to go out to a coffee shop to smoke cigarettes and bullshit with my friends. There was a big fat gay man who once got up on poetry reading day and read one of his poems entitled "Fuck me, Dennis Rodman". I don't remember his name, but I remember that he was a graduate student at Notre Dame in a field where I can say with certainty that now he is either a professor in that subject or working in a Barnes and Noble. That guy once horrified my 16 year old mind by telling me how it was possible for one to shove a lunchbox up one's ass. Then he introduced me to a young woman, covered in tattoos, paying for her coffee, who enjoyed this activity with her boyfriend. You want a lunchbox drink now, pal? Didn't think so. They also said something about gerbals. Imagine a lunchbox filled with gerbals being shoved up an ass. :( And that's all I have to say about that.

Beach Booze: Thank the Lord, now we're getting to the stuff that get's you drunk!

Long Island Iced Tea
-700 calories
-40 grams of sugar
-five different liquors

They say: Wah, wah, wah! This is the worst thing you can order at the bar... blah blah, more calories than cheesecake, etc...

Drink this instead: Cosmopolitan.
-150 calories
-12 grams of sugar
-similar buzz and fruity taste as a LIIT

My HUGE take:
So many problems here, where to start... First, these are not beach drinks. The LIIT is designed for poor people to order when they go to the bar so they can get fucked up fast, and on the cheap. I can sort of forgive them for putting the LIIT in this category because there are some nice beaches on Long Island. Robert Moses beach is the shiznit. But Cosmo? Cosmo is girl or gay man all dressed up at a fancy lounge, not sitting around on the beach with your bikini or banana hammock on. More egregious than the classification error is how they say that a Cosmo provides a "similar buzz" to a LIIT. Three Cosmos will make a girl giggle more than normal. Three Long Islands and the same girl will be trying to sneak an unknown male into the ladies' room to give him what she thinks will be a great bj, but will give the guy a hickey on his johnson and then she'll puke her guts out before finishing him off. Of course there's going to be lots of sugar and calories - there's a LOT of alcohol taste to cover up. And who really cares how many calories there are in an LIIT when you're just going to yack it up later?

Classic Cocktail: Yay, this has to be Manhattans vs. gin & tonics, right? WRONG.

Pina Colada
-625 Calories
-75 grams of sugar

They say: Filled with fatty coconut milk and sugary pineapple juice, etc...

Drink this instead: Bloody Mary
-lots of healthy processed and non-processed vegetables
-150 calories
-10 grams of sugar
-Lycopene will make it impossible to ever get cancer, ever.

My HUGE take:
Again, major classification fuck-up. How did they not put Pina Colada in the "beach booze" category? If you order this drink in a non-Island themed bar, you are trying as hard as you can to imagine that you're at an island or island themed bar. You're probably thinking that the Pina Colada will make you feel as free as the time you went home with two guys from the same bar in the same night at Sandals Resort. OK, I love bloody marys (is that the correct plural form? probably not.), but this is not what comes to mind when I think "classic cocktail". This is a drink you order when there is still retched sunlight coming through the crack in the door because with all the vegetables, you feel like you're being good to your body. Real health nut, you. Ugh, why couldn't they put Mojito up against Margarita for the first and Gin and Tonic against whiskey and soda here? On to the next one.

Beer: Sweet, beer! On Saturday I drank a 12'er while watching the first game, then passed out during the second game and woke up at 4AM. I was drinking like 50 miles per hour.

Sierra Nevada Pale Ale
-6% alcohol
-200 calories
-12 grams carbs

They say: Not much. They allege that Sierra is "full-flavored"

Drink this Instead: Guinness
- 4% alcohol
- 126 calories
- 10 grams carbs

My HUGE take:
It's surprising to find out that Guiness is low in carbs and calories. For non-beer addicts. Beer drunkasaurases have known this for years. And we also know that Pale Ale has 150% the alcohol of Guiness, a key measure which this dickhead continues to ignore. The key piece of information here, man, is that for each percent of alcohol, Guiness has 31.5 calories and Sierra Nevada has 33.3. Is this a big enough difference for anyone to care about? No. Just go out and drink both if you want to. Go out, drink a lot of beer, and then think about all the weight you're losing while you have the beer shits the next day, especially after a couple of cups of...

Coffee: I drink 3-4 cups of coffee six to seven days per week. I love it. At work we have to fucking pay for it ourselves, which is a joke. That's like athletes having to pay for their own steroids.

Large Caffe Latte:
-190 calories
-7 grams fat

They say: "In the hierarchy of espresso drinks, lattes sit squarely at the bottom. "

Drink this instead: Double Espresso Macchiato
-15 calories
-0 fat

My HUGE take: Fucking insane. How do you have a category of drinks named "coffee" and not have regular old coffee as one of the drinks to compare? I've never heard of Macchiato before - it sounds like an Italian Soccer player to me, probably with lots of tattoos above the sleeve line who is highly skilled at hand gesturing to the corrupt referees after a foul. I don't know how to HTML in the accent grave or egue, and I'm not about to learn so that I show the correct pronunciation of "Caffe Latte". I like these once in a while. It delivers so much caffeine that I remember the first time I did cocaine. I felt like my heart was going to explode, not to mention my bowels. Look, maybe I just drink more beer than the average person, but I'm not really worried about the caloric content of coffee drinks, because they are just going to turn your blue eyes brown anyway, resulting in a net loss. But if you aren't a very regular individual, and are worried about the calories in coffeeish drinks, just order COFFEE.

That's enough for today. You better be fucking happy, Joe. Hope you find time to read this, after hanging out at the Marina waiting for joggers with boxer shorts to go flippity-floppity running by your not-even-pretending-not-to-stare ass.

2008-01-08T09:36:00.000-05:00

BCS Championship Game Wrap-up

A coworker just stopped by my office to share his thoughts on why Ohio State lost to LSU. It's pretty deep, so you may have to re-read it a few times.

"They started out OK but couldn't keep it going in the second quarter, and that was their downfall."

Amateur hour is officially over.

2007-12-28T14:24:00.000-05:00

Game of the Year: Showdown at Lambo

For fans of many NFL teams, the week 17 game is completely meaningless. Drew Sharpish stand alone shit sentence in 3-2-1...

Nothing to see here.

Whew, glad that's out of the way. For those who feel that witnessing what is sure to be a terrible game in which a possible outcome is a team going undefeated for an entire season is very important to their lives, the game on Saturday night will be televised like it's a presidential debate. Will I watch this game? Probably, but I already have seen the Patriots at their best. There is nothing particularly intriguing to me about a game with two teams that are already in the playoffs.

A regular season game with preseason-like intensity.

That was fun. Just look at that sentence. So alone, vulnerable, yet so strong. So bold. It's like it's in bold, italics, all-caps, and underlined all at once, but like, is not. Don't you feel like you need to pick up your jock strap off the monitor?

Anyway, fuck that game. The main reason why the NFL is great is that it's fun to bet on, but that cannot be said about this week. Nobody knows who's going to be playing and for how long. There's really only one game of great importance this week, and it only matters to the hapless bunch that comprises the Detroit Lions fan base. Lions Nation, baby. This Sunday at 1PM the Lions play the Green Bay Packers at Lambo field. What, you ask, could possibly be intriguing about this game?

1. The last season the Lions won a game at Lambo Field was 1991. That, buddy, is a long time ago. There are thousands of teenage mothers in the USA who were not even born by 1991. That means that their children would have to ask their grandparents what it was like when the Lions won that game. Do you think Brett Favre remembers that game? No, he does not, and it's not because he's an old senile bastard who also happens to be ruggedly handsome and is attractive to women who are young enough to be in the teen mom segment mentioned earlier. If Brett Favre farted in a pickup truck with a woman sitting on the front seat next to him, that woman may yell at him, but she would also get a little turned on. Anyway, the reason Brett Favre doesn't remember that loss in 1991 is because it was so long ago that he wasn't even on the Packers yet. This game means nothing to the Packers, but the silver fox's streak is still alive, so you can bet your ass that he'll start this game. The Lions need to not only beat the Packers at Lambo, but do it before Favre retires so that it can be said that in his career, Brett Favre lost to the Lions at home. Why? Just because, that's why. It's embarrassing supporting such a shit team that can't win a game in fucking Wisconsin at least once in every five tries.

2. An 8-8 season would be a tremendous accomplishment for the Detroit Lions. In the age of parity, most NFL franchises have experienced both highs and lows in the past ten years. The Lions, on the other hand, have won seven games this year for the first time in the Matt Millen era, which began in 2000. To get to eight wins would complete our long transition back to the mediocrity that Lions fans enjoyed in the years before the dark cloud with the big mustache came to the state with Great Lakes and great times. Forget about the collapse from the 6-2 start. Just imagine that it's whatever the fuck month the NFL draft is. You're fired up. Coming off a non-losing season, it's not completely insane to hope for the playoffs in the upcoming year. That sounds pretty damn good to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy with a 7-9 season. It's a big improvement. But man, 8-8 sounds pretty sweet.

Before the start of the season, I had this game circled - not because I thought it was a "big game", but because I thought it was as sure loss. Finishing off the season with a win at Green Bay would be a perfect way to mark the Lions' return to mediocrity, and the start of a new era of disappointing their fans in new ways.

2007-12-28T08:28:00.000-05:00

Die, Chief of Information, Die!

My asshole motherfucking employer seems to have stopped me from accessing my personal email. Like, whatever. I don't even need gmail chat. I have myself, and my imagination. Imagination: the cornerstone of human endeavor. It's more powerful than an NFL linebacker. Probably less powerful than a Siberian tiger though.

Me: Damn, it's quiet here today.
Me: Oh, hey. Yeah, Sucks to be at work, but what the hell would I be doing instead?
Me: Good point. It's supposed to be in the upper 40's and rainy and it's not like I'm missing a football game. Shit, maybe I will be, better check...FUCK. Spartans start at 5PM.
Me: Have to get something down on that one.
Me: HAVE TO. But damn, betting on the Spartans would be foolish.
Me: Well, they beat a pretty decent Penn State team and almost beat Michigan. And BC is in the acc.
Me: But they're the Spartans! The Spartans are almost exactly like the Lions.
Me: You know how you were going to follow your 10 commandments of NFL betting?
Me: Uh, yes asshole.
Me: Just pointing out that you broke pretty much every commandment, multiple times.
Me: I guess I'm going to gambling hell when I die.
Me: Definitely. It's probably like, you constantly login to your account just too late to get your bet in before the game starts. Poof, off the board.
Me: No shit. Then the only game left to bet on is the Blue/Gray game or the McDonalds high school allstar basketball game.
Me: Yuck. I hate that shit. Brings out the scum of the earth. Dick Vitale, Mel Kiper Jr and others.
Me: Mel Kiper Sr should have pushed harder for abortion.
Me: Man, that's a bit harsh. Ouch.
Me: Probably. Oh well. I'm already going to sports gambling hell. Maybe if I'm a big enough asshole I'll get to go to regular hell instead.
Me: Say hi to Sean Taylor down there.
Me: You're coming too, pal.
Me: You know I didn't mean that.
Me: This conversation is making me uncomfortable, let's change the subject.
Me: Ok. Hey, remember that time when you didn't masturbate?
Me: Yeah. Sort of. I think the coffee's ready, and you need to take yourself to the owners box.
Me: That can wait - I'm trying to beat Bono's record. Good call on the coffee though. BIAS (back in a sec)
Me: Good coffee, Marv.
Me: You're so easy to talk to. Whoa, jimminy. BIAS GGTAS
Me: Don't forget to get the paperwork done.
Me: How much do you think crapping plays a part in a wrestler's attempts to "make weight"?
Me: Are you kidding? It's got to be huge.
Me: I guess you're right. Just imagine: You're a wrestler, and you're about one kuhrick away from making weight. You're about to give up, you're crying, when about five minutes before weigh-in, you have to take a massive crap. That's got to be such a great feeling!
Me: No shit. Lot of MC's (miracle covers) thanks to last second BM's.
Me: You sure talk about crapping a lot.
Me: You sure think about crapping a lot.
Me: Oh, here's something I've wanted to talk about: You know down in Florida at Mom and Dad's, how we always seemed to be subjected to some sort of programming with a strong sexual message?
Me: YES! So uncomfortable. That sports talk radio station...
Me: Holy shit, that was the longest fucking commercial I've ever heard.
Me: What was the name of that place?
Me: I can't remember. All I remember is that they have an extensive selection of lubes and hot oils.
Me: "The home of the rabbit, and the Five Minute Miracle".
Me: << shudder >>
Me: What about their selection of adult toys and lingerie?
Me: And lingerie models!
Me: HA! I really wish I was at that place right now.
Me: As long as Mom and Dad aren't in there too.
Me: Was that really fucking necessary? What a sick fuck you are.
Me: Sorry.
Me: You're right though, that place sounded pretty amazing.
Me: That was pretty bad, but how about the Blue Collar Comedy guys that night?
Me: Oh man. Can't they just make funny jokes about being a redneck and not about how when you're married you almost never have sex with your spouse?
Me: Seriously.
Me: I mean, that would be like if you were a big racist, and your wish of going back in time to hear Hitler speak was granted, and you're there, in this room with other racists, Hitler's speaking to everyone, passionately, but about how German automobiles are superior to American cars. It's like, well yeah, nobody's disputing that, buddy.
Me: You're a fucking moron. Nice fucking choice for an analogy.
Me: You don't even know what that word means.
Me: x-(
Me: Hey, when do you think you'll realistically have your credit cards paid off?
Me: I try not to think about that. I like to just take it one bet at a time, you know. Make plays.
Me: Seriously. Consumer debt sucks, let's get on that shit.
Me: I hear ya. I'm just hoping to maybe cut it in half by this time next year.
Me: Holy shit, I think you just made a New Years resolution.
Me: Wow, I guess you're right. Why couldn't I have just wished for rock-hard abs?
Me: Time for more coffee. BIAS
Me: Remember when KSK posted the chat session about the snake in the office?
Me: Oh yeah
Me: This is, ahem, very similar to that.
Me: Yes, but you didn't remember that post until well after this was started. Besides, they do the same damn thing, whether they know it or not.
Me: Yeah, like that Led Zep post. Or the Chris Mortenson thing.
Me: Who gives a shit, anyways. Nobody reads this shit.
Me: On that note, I guess it's time to do some work.
Me: Keep it real.

2007-12-13T11:25:00.000-05:00

What bloggers are saying about Michigan hiring Russell Crowe to be their head football coach

The sports world can't shut the fuck up about Michigan's blockbuster deal with Russell Crowe. Here are some recent posts by sports bloggers across the world.

Initial reports:
-A blogger with special sources breaks the story.
-Arnie "the beekeeper" Solomon, while not a wordsmith, has heart. He reported from the other side of the world, aka "under-down", backing up the initial report.

Follow up reports:
- A pun-laden piece summarizing the initial reports.
- A blogger summarizes the reports so far in the blogosphere.

Analysis:
- A deep-thinking blogger shares his thoughts on the hire and opens minds across the globe.
- Blogger processes facts of the hire and accuses the U of M of being really, really racist.

2007-12-12T11:08:00.000-05:00

Hey University of Michigan: Your hiring of Russell Crowe for head fooball coach was really, really racist.

That Russell Crowe hiring sure was a racy move by the University of Michigan. Oh, did I say "racy"? Sorry. I meant racist.

Now that several days have passed since it became known that Russell Crowe would become the successor to Lloyd Carr, supporters of Michigan Football should have had time to realize one fact about the university: it is racist. And we're not just talking about a smidgen of racism. It's really, really racist. If The University of Michigan were a mammal, it would be a mammal infected with rabies, except instead of rabies it would be racism. And I don't know much, but I do know this: You don't want your university to be of the rabid-with-racism variety.

Russell Crowe is a white Australian. Hello!?!? What's up with that? You call that diversity? I'll bet his criminal ancestors were forced to move to Australia because they went around being intolerant towards people of other ethnicities. What's your next move, Bill Martin? Invading Poland?

Despite the availability of minority coaches with more experience, Russell Crowe was hired because he's white. Did the University of Michigan really think that there wouldn't be an uproar over them not even interviewing Denzel Washington? It's only common knowledge across the world that he's a great head coach. Just look what he did to the Titans. I remember, and so do you. Michigan must have been too busy hating black people to remember the Titans. And Bill Martin, you can just shut your face about Russell Crowe being a "Michigan man". You want a "Michigan man"? I'll give you a Michigan man. One man, three names, three syllables: James. Earl. Jones.

It's time for the university president, Mary-Joe Fernandez, to step up to the plate and hit this fastball of racism out of the park.

2007-12-09T11:15:00.000-05:00

Thoughts on Michigan's hiring of Russell Crowe from someone who really knows what he is talking about

As a blogger, I by nature have valuable opinions that are really important and by sharing them in this forum, I am fulfilling my responsibility to the world to help it become more enlightened. More advanced. Reader, I hope that these priceless thoughts will provoke profound thoughts of your own, which will then be shared with the world through the medium of your choice. This post will hopefully start a fission-like process of thoughts and sharing that will make lesser people as good as we are. And now, without further ado, I give you some thoughts on the hiring of Russell Crowe to the position of head football coach by the University of Michigan. I have inserted bullets, to let you know that I'm not fucking around.

But first, some absolutely hilarious questions that I would ask Russell Crowe today at the press conference announcing his hiring:

Will the first few offensive plays of every game be scripted?

Have you selected a coaching staff, or should I say, your Crowenies?

Don't even try to tell me that you didn't LOL! OK, time to get serious...

Arnold Schwarzenegger is an Austrian actor who has gone on to coach the state of California. Russell Crowe is an Australian actor who is now the head coach of the University of Michigan football team. The difference between "Australia" and "Austria" is "AL", which stands for Alabama, a state that likes football. Or backwards, it stands for Los Angeles, where Hollywood is. In light of this, it is clear that Russell Crowe is more like Sylvester Croom than Eminem.

I say let bygones be bygones, but I think America deserves to know what crime(s) the Crowe ancestors were guilty of. What if it was arson? The last thing America needs is another arsonist family.

You know those Delaware uniforms? I think authors feel like Michigan does while watching Delaware, when they watch a movie that is an adaptation of their book. Russell Crowe, as an actor, will be able to confirm this.

Either Aussies are morons for not wearing pads or Americans are pussies for wearing them. We will soon find out which one it is.

There is a dearth of African-Americans in Australia. It is yet to be determined if Russell Crowe will be able to successfully recruit the black athlete and determine the position that he will be best suited for.

Remember the Sega CD game system that was supposed to be all cool, but then there were only like 10 games for it, including that Star Wars Chess game, and then Sega Saturn bettered it but then everyone ended up liking Playstation more? And you know how XML is supposed to be an improvement of HTML but now everyone is all about Flash? In my opinion, Bo Schembechler is HTML, Gary Moeller is Sega CD, Lloyd Carr is the Playstation, and Russell Crowe will become World of Warcraft.

2007-12-08T16:29:00.001-05:00

Sportsblog Reports Carr-rowe Named Head Coach at Michigan

My sources in the UM Athletic Department have confirmed that Russell Crowe has signed a 5-year, $11.3 million contract to coach Michigan's football team. I've been told that the contract includes a $1.5 million buyout clause in the event that the South Sydney Rabbitohs National Rugby Club coaching position becomes available. Multiple UMAD sources report that Crowe promised Athletic Director Bill Martin that Michigan fans will be "entertained" by the play of the Wolverines during his tenure as head coach.

Sportsblog checkoutmyhemi was the first site to report this real, factual, not made up news story:

The Battleship, a writer for the unpopular weblog checkoutmyhemi, reports that the new acting head coach for the Wolverines is none other than Australia's Russell Crowe.

Russell Crowe has signed a five-year contract to coach the University of Michigan football team.

COMH was also the first to report reactions from "Under Down":

Im (sp) here on location, and the buzz is BIG! Every1 (sp) in Sidney is saying that Russel (sp) Crow (sp), national hearo (sp) and hollywood icon, will be taking the rains (sp) for the recently disposed (inane) Loyd (sp) Car (sp)! More later as detayles (sp) be come (?) available!

COMH is the leader in real, factual, not made up news about Michigan's football coach search.

2007-12-08T15:48:00.001-05:00

Breaking: The Crowe Has Landed in Michigan

Sports bloggers and members of the mainstream media previously reporting that Michigan has come to terms with a football coach from another school will have to eat some Crowe.

According to The multiple sources close to this site, the University of Michigan has found its lead man to play the part of "football coach".

The Battleship, a writer for the unpopular weblog checkoutmyhemi, reports that the new acting head coach for the Wolverines is none other than Australia's Russell Crowe.
Russell Crowe has signed a five-year contract to coach the University of Michigan football team.
According to The Battleship, Crowe is no stranger to the program.

Hollywood star and Lloyd Carr enthusiast Russell Crowe has signed a five-year contract to coach the University of Michigan football team.

On the phone, The Battleship was asked who told him this blockbuster news. "My sources within the Michigan Athletic Department are saying that", he responded.

Crowe, The Battleship reports, is also a co-owner of a rugby team and is now in Michigan.

Peter Holmes a Court, who co-owns the South Sydney Rabbitohs National Rugby Club with Crowe, told me this morning that Crowe boarded a transcontinental flight from Sydney to Detroit late Thursday outback time.

The Battleship is also reporting that the hiring will be announced at a press conference on Monday.

a press conference to announce coach Crowe's hiring will take place on Monday.

Another writer for checkoutmyhemi and former masturbater, Arnie "The beekeeper" Solomon, is also reporting that Michigan has come to terms with Crowe.

Russel Crow, national hearo and hollywood icon, will be taking the rains for the recently disposed Loyd Car

This was the first contact checkoutmyhemi has had with Arnie in several months.

you havent hurd from me much laytlee

It was decided that paychecks would no longer be issued to Arnie, and as management was hoping, he eventually stopped coming to the office. I just spoke to Arnie, who is currently in Australia.

I am reporting live from "Under Down"

"Top of the morning to ya!", he greeted me. Although Arnie is retarded and a bit of a loose cannon (he was once arrested for inserting his erect penis in a powered-on leaf blower at a Home Depot), his information is credible because the information has been independently verified by The Battleship.

2007-12-08T14:40:00.000-05:00

Hy their fokes!

Or as I shoud say... 'G'Day!' This is Arnie, B.S. and if you havent hurd from me much laytlee, its cuz I bin off bettering myself and taking control of my future! Thats right, I have gotten my degri in Jurnlism from THE ohio stayte universitY. I am reporting live from "Under Down" as the locals cal it, thats right, the 17th century equivalent of my alma mater's football team, Austrailila! Im here following my first big scoop, that is, who will be the newest football coach in the big 1o! Im here on location, and the buzz is BIG! Every1 in Sidney is saying that Russel Crow, national hearo and hollywood icon, will be taking the rains for the recently disposed Loyd Car! More later as detayles be come available!

2007-12-08T13:54:00.000-05:00

Wolverines Ready to Crowe

My sources within the Michigan Athletic Department are saying that Hollywood star and Lloyd Carr enthusiast Russell Crowe has signed a five-year contract to coach the University of Michigan football team. Peter Holmes a Court, who co-owns the South Sydney Rabbitohs National Rugby Club with Crowe, told me this morning that Crowe boarded a transcontinental flight from Sydney to Detroit late Thursday outback time. a Court didn't know the reason for the flight. I've been told that a press conference to announce coach Crowe's hiring will take place on Monday.

2007-12-05T08:56:00.000-05:00

Can it be baseball season now, please?

This morning I found a text sent to me by a friend of mine. "
What do you think?"
"Uhhh, about what?", I thought. I figured there would be a fantasy football trade offer for me to review or something that an email would clarify.
No email from him. He done crazy.
Then a coworker walks up to the door of my 100 sqft windowless office. "So, what do you think?", he said with an excited, somewhat envious smile. Then it hit me. "Oh shit, did that deal get done?", I asked.

Twenty-four hours ago, baseball was about the last thing on my mind. When I would see front page stories on the Johan Santana speculation, I would want to clear the crap off my desk with one powerful outswing of my left arm. I don't care about whatever shitty little cute Winter meetings are going on. I get enough rampant speculation with the Michigan coaching job, thank you very much. And if I want more, I can always turn to the world's game to see what players Chelsea wants to bring in so they can become the most expensive, boring team in the history of Sports. I'd rather watch distance running on Versus than Chelsea. It's like they are managed by a corpse...

I was really tired last night from staying up watching MNF on - you guessed it! - Monday night, and I was happily watching the Red Wings destroy Montreal, so I didn't bother following the story that so many of mes amis were focused on. But this morning, when my coworker walked up to my door and asked me what I thought, I instantly became fired up about the upcoming Tigers season. Assuming that all players involved pass their physicals (on three: one, two, three, PHYSICAL!), and everyone is healthy at the start of the season, the Tigers would roll in with -

OF: Ordonez, Granderson (That's my grand dawg, out there!), Jaques Jones, and Marcus "the river" Thames
IF: Cabrera, Renteria, Polanco, Carlos Guillen, and Ivan "the decent" Rodriguez
SP: Verlander, Bonderman, Dontrelle, Robertson, and Kenny "Gutterballs" Rogers
RP: Zumaya, Rodney, Jones, Aurillio Lopez, ...

Well fuck my cock! That's a pretty good squad.

And thank goodness. Like a Shakespearean tragedy, we all know how the Lions season is going to end. The Michigan Football Wolverines are about to get fisted by that quarterback, Deebo, that they have down there in Gainesville, FL.

"What you got on my Heisman?"

Yeah, I know the Red Wings and the Pistons are damn good, but come now. Unlike in football (both the American and un-American varieties), the regular season does not matter in the NHL or the NBA. We fans of Michigan-based sports teams need something positive right now. Something to give us a nice warm fuzzy feeling - the sports news equivalent of getting a lap dance from a girl wearing a chinchilla fur thong - and this trade does just that.

Monday and Tuesday I decided to clean my desk here at the office. I sorted and filed some papers. I recycled others. Then I borrowed some Pledge from a coworker and put a nice shine up on the surface. Only my PC and components, coffee and water cups, and a couple neatly organized stacks of paper remain. With this news, I want to leave work, go to the nearest hobby/sports collectibles store, buy a roll of fake grass, some Detroit Tigers figurines, and make a miniature Comerica Park on my desk, complete with the General Motors fountain. I would then close my office door, which I normally only do when I'm exceedingly gassy, and spend the rest of the day playing with my pretend 2008 Detroit Tigers team.

Cabrera: "Hola, amigo!"
Ordonez: "Hola!"
Cabrera: "My name is Miguel. I am super excited to be here. I can hardly wait to hit some home runs and bases-clearing doubles for the loyal Tiger fans."
Ordonez: "Great to meet you, my name is Magglio. Hey, we're both from Venezuela, we both like hitting home runs and bases clearing doubles, and our first names both start with 'M'. I think we're going to get along just fine."
Cabrera: "I agree, Magglio! I wonder if the media will ever write a story about how we're both from Venezuela and are good hitters on the same team... perhaps they might even ask me if I look at you as a mentor, since I am a good young player from Venezuela and you are an experienced good player from Venezuela..."
Guillen: "Hey! What about me?"
Ordonez: "Hahaha!"
Cabrera: "HAAAHAA!"
Guillen: "ha ha ha!"

Then I would answer some emails and return to playing with the new team...

Granderson: "Oh, hello good sir!"
Willis: "Hi! I can't wait to begin playing baseball with you fine fellows!"
Granderson: "Oh my, you are so well spoken! What is your name, teammate?"
Willis: "As are you, pally! My name is Dontrelle. What, may I ask, is your name, friend?"
Granderson: "My name is Curtis. It's great to meet you Dontrelle. You know what the media here in Detroit - and around the whole country in fact - would just eat up like a fresh batch of snicker doodles?"
Willis: "What would that be, Curtis?"
Granderson: "If the two of us - the most likable young African-American players in the majors became best friends."
Willis: "I do believe you are right, Curtis. We will be on all of the commercials together. Our likability will overshadow the wacko African-American players on this team...cough, cough, Gary Sheffield, cough..."
Sheffield: "Hey, I heard that!"
Willis: "Hahaha!"
Sheffield: "Ha ha ha!"
Granderson: "hahaha!"

2007-11-23T07:39:00.000-05:00

Illegal No More

Way back in September I turned 30 and received some mighty fine gifts from some folks. Dolores and her gentleman presented me with a fresh bottle of good brown.

My buddy Jon sent me shitloads of fantastic Omaha Steak products.

the food came packed in dry ice, which went into my toilet.

And then there's my friend Joe. Joe wanted to get me something I could really use all year long, so he bought me a subscription to a dirty magazine.

I bring this up today because from age 15 or 16 all through my time spending Thanksgiving in my hometown in SW Michigan, I always bought a pornographic magazine on Thanksgiving. It started out with me being bored of sitting around with my family all day. I wanted to get out of the house, smoke a cigarette, and give me something to do for the rest of the day. Then I just made the purchase to keep my own tradition going.

These days, the dirty magazine has really taken a back seat to internet porn and adult dvd's. You can get something new to service yourself to everyday if you want, all without having to overcome the shame of a face-to-face transaction.

So in honor of Joe, the rest of this post concerns this new subscription.

In a world where eighteen year old girls cover their breasts and other privates with clothing, shriek in horror or call the police when asked questions like "How do you like to be fucked?" and "Do you enjoy exposing yourself in public?", and generally do not smile naughtily at you, one glossy covered magazine blasts you off to a magical land where panties are always on the way off, the questions you really want to ask are answered, and Chris Hanson is nowhere to be found. Is this Legal? No. It's Barely Legal.

"It started with a simple dream, and an erection that I wasn't sure I should have had. One day I was flipping through the March edition of Hustler, when I stopped and took a good long look at this chick sitting on top a big screen tv with her tits out and her legs all spread out and shit. I think it said 'Boob Tube' on the screen or something real clever like that. And I'm saying to myself, 'Who is this young lady? Where is she from? What's her height and weight?', and most importantly, since she looked so young that it almost felt wrong "looking at her, 'How old is she?'. So that got me thinking about starting a 'zine that only had those really young looking types. The idea was - stay with me, now - for it to be a magazine for men who like masturbating to images of girls who are by law the youngest they could be, and still get their pictures taken without their clothes on. All I needed was a good name. I first was thinking Hot Teenage Snatch would be good, but I wanted the customer to pick it up, look at the cover and read a title that assured him that what he was doing was perfectly ok. I wanted the name to say to him, 'Hey guy, these girls are super young, but I assure that they're all just old enough for none of us to go to jail, so you can take me home and jerk off with peace of mind.' Barely Legal just came to me."*
- Chester Feeley, Barely Legal creator**

It's November 23rd, 2007. In front of me on my table sits a copy of the January 2008 Barely Legal magazine. I wonder if the girls photographed for this magazine are legal as of today or January 2008, like dating a check months ahead. The cover girl appears to be eighteen years old or close to it. She is wearing striped underwear and what appears to be a red denim skirt cut off just above the crotch line with an electric hedge trimmer. She sips on orange juice through a straw leaning against a wooden door with her left shoulder and upper arm -- the arm with the juice glass in the hand -- and she playfully tugs down her bikini top with her other hand. I think I can see part of her nipple, but I'm not sure if that would even be legal to show. Then I remember that it must be, but just barely. In big letters next to her:

COVERGIRL HOLLY
"I LIKE TO SUCK"

Clearly. Did they think we didn't notice that she was drinking orange juice through a straw?

Also on the cover is a 3x2 matrix of photos of extremely young looking girls. Five of them are smiling. The girl in the (1,2) position of the matrix has braces and at first glance looks like she is pulling on something with her teeth. She is one of the five smilers. On closer inspection, it appears that she has the waistline of another person's panties stuck in her braces. I feel like a scumbag for some reason.

The price for this January 2008 issue: $8.99

Flipping through, I notice a few things common with all the pictorials:
1) an "interview" with each girl accompanies the photos. example questions/answers:
"Do you wear panties?"
"Yes. I'm into cute underwear, as you can see."
"Biggest turn-on:"
"A penis. :)"
2) an information box containing age (usually 18, sometimes 19), height, weight, measurements, and hometown.

"What the fuck am I doing, this girl just can't be legal", I say to myself for the forty-first time. I wish I was eighteen too. I think it's always better to masturbate to your contemporaries. That would feel the least weird. This is how I think this relationship can be best represented:

Note: I know that this will only be appropriate for certain reference ages, but I'm not going to make a 3-d plot. I haven't used Matlab in years.

In summary, Barely Legal is a great magazine to masturbate to if you are barely legal yourself. If you're lucky, one of the models will go to your high school. If you have a class with her, you probably won't get a good grade because you'll be thinking about 'doing it' with her, just like every other guy in the class. There may be lots of thump-thump-thump noises in the room. So join 'em, and beat it yourself.

* may not be accurate
** may not be correct name

2007-11-19T10:35:00.000-05:00

Amateur Hour In Michigan Is Finally Over

One of these three fans will be posting one very soon. Hopefully a couple.

Football fans all know someone who doesn't "get it". I'm not talking about the wife of a degenerate sports gambler who hates football because she constantly worries about her man spending the grocery money. That woman probably "gets it" all too well. I'm referring to people who never learned the game enough to reject it. It's hard to grow up in the United States a male and not learn the basics of American football. If you didn't pick it up at home sitting watching your father yell at games on the television, you probably learned about it at school during recess or while hanging out with friends. Even if you don't particularly care for it, you recognize the significance of college bowl games, the NFL playoffs, and Thanksgiving day games, and possibly even major rivalries. Even if the word "football" disgusts you, you know what "fourth and inches" means. You know what an "upset" is. You know that the Detroit Lions suck.

A girl I know doesn't "get it". She grew up in the US, but her parents were immigrants and she gravitated towards the arts (not to be confused with Art's Performance Center). Now she works in an office where everyone, she says, is obsessed with football, and this bothers her because she not only does not understand how the game is played, she doesn't understand what is so compelling about the game. With time and her attention, I am confident that I could explain the key rules and objectives to her. I think I could also explain why I find the sport compelling. She may come to understand why I love it, but there is no reason why her understanding this will make her more excited about the game.

This past Friday I flew to Detroit to go to the Michigan - Ohio State game with my dad, who flew up from Florida for the same purpose, in Ann Arbor on Saturday.

The game started well enough for Michigan as they took a 3-0 lead on a field goal in their first drive, but their offense quickly faded. I decided to record this play below for some reason, and it turned out to be the biggest gain on the ground Michigan had all day.

By the end of the first half, Michigan was down 3-7 to the Buckeyes, and while the score was close, the Buckeyes were controlling the game with their dominating defensive line. Mike Hart did not look like he had recovered from the injury that had kept him out of the previous couple of games. Neither did Chad Henne. His passes sailed over the heads of his receivers when he was able to get the ball out of his hands before getting mauled by the OSU defense.

This was tough to watch, especially standing outside in the constant steady rain with the temperature just above freezing. The sky, above Ann Arbor on November 17th, 2007, was a gray that I hadn't seen since moving to DC. It felt like the cloud line was five times lower and thicker than cloud lines are supposed to be. There wasn't fog -- just extremely dense clouds that made it feel like it was dusk, even though it was early afternoon. It was so cloudy that if you had no understanding of what the sun was, and someone next to you in Ann Arbor last Saturday was pointing up to the sky, explaining that there was a dense mass of burning gases far away in space that gave off light so bright that looking at it directly could blind you, there would be no reason to believe it. It was so gloomy that they had to have the stadium lights on for a 12:00 game. At halftime, my dad and I stood under the stands in the upper level of Michigan Stadium, drinking hot chocolate, trying to enjoy being out of the rain. This was the first time I could remember, since moving to DC, that my feet were so cold and wet that I could not move my toes inside my shoes.

The second half was far worse. While the wind and rain picked up and the temperature dropped, so did the Buckeyes' stranglehold on the game. Most of the times Michigan was able to advance the ball occurred on the rare occasion of an Ohio State player committing a penalty. Chris Wells, the OSU running back, ran for a long touchdown early in the second half and it looked like the rout would be on. Michigan hung in there though. The defense responded by shutting down the Buckeyes' offense, which was almost entirely running plays in the second half. At first I wondered why they weren't throwing on us anymore -- keeping our defense honest would have opened up more long runs by Chris Wells -- but then I realized that Jim Tressel was so confident in their defense holding the Michigan offense that he just wanted to run the clock down with the lowest possible risk of turning the ball over, which was the only way Michigan was going to come back. Each time OSU got the ball, Michigan's defense would stop them, usually in one series. Each time they punted, we were hopeful that Michigan would somehow move the ball on the Buckeye defense. And each time that hope was crushed. The only thing that changed as this series of events repeated was the hope that Michigan would find a way to score.

I have seen my share of losses to Ohio State, especially since the hiring of Jim Tressel. It's normally highly emotional walking out of the stadium, win or lose. Not last Saturday. There wasn't any "we should have won that game" thinking. The better team won. If we played Ohio State ten times, they would beat us ten times -- at least with Henne and Hart injured as they clearly were. There was no feeling of hatred towards Ohio State for what they did. They didn't run the score up. They did not commit penalties for excessive celebration. It was as if during halftime Jim Tressel told his team the following:

"Men, we are the better football team today. We all know this. What we are going to do now is dedicate the way we play this second half to the Michigan-Ohio State rivalry itself. We are going to win the game in a manner that everyone associated with the history of this rivalry will appreciate. We will win with honor. We will win in a way that not only our own fans will respect us for, but also in a way that the Michigan players, coaches, and fans will have no choice but to do so as well. We will not run up the score to impress outsiders, as the opinion of outsiders does not matter to us. The final score will not be lopsided, but anyone who watched it will recall this game as one of the most convincing wins they have ever seen."

This may sound like a miserable experience. You may imagine me being bitter for having payed to fly to Michigan just to see my team get crushed by its biggest rival in terrible weather. This, however, was not the case. I still had a great time (and no, I didn't get laid on Friday or Saturday night). The drinking with your Michigan friends, the tailgating, the masses of fans dressed up in their schools' colors outside the stadium, the crowd noise when Michigan was on defense trying to stop OSU on third down and high-fiving my dad when they succeeded, and the post game drinking, eating, and watching other games with friends all combined to make it a great weekend.

What makes people so crazy about football is not that there is something intrinsically entertaining about a football being moved up and down a field by groups of similarly dressed muscular dudes. It is the collection of past experiences associated with the game, including the events surrounding it. All of these events are more fun when your team wins, but the older I get the more I realize that they are still pretty damn good when they lose too. Or maybe I'm just getting numb to Ohio State beating us year-after-year.

I'm not sure if being a football fan is something that you can or should make an effort to become, if you're not one already. There are plenty of enriching activities to engage in out there, and along with the good things I have described, there are many unpleasant things that come with being a fan (ticket expenses, standing in long lines to go to the bathroom, obnoxious fans, etc...) that may not be worth getting used to. So if you're trying to "get" football, just stop. It's something you just "have" or don't "have". Like AIDS.

2007-11-14T11:18:00.000-05:00

Matchday Memories

Saturday morning I woke up in the smallest room I had ever slept in, took a shower, and went out to get some breakfast and coffee before getting ready to walk to the Gloucester station and head up the Piccadilly line to the Arsenal stop. As a big fan of the traditional Irish breakfast, and general lover of most meats, I was surprised to find out that I do not really like the traditional English breakfast. It was similar to the Irish Breakfast in that both come with eggs, tomato, and ham, but the English version that I was served had some kind of meat product, which I now think may have been blood pudding, that I could only manage to eat half of. It looked like a pile of canned corn beef hash, but instead of being loose, it was a dense piece of pink meat and fat. I tried to eat it at the same time as eggs and tomato to mollify the dreadful flavor, but finally had to give up on it.

Filled with caffeine, sodium, and saturated fat, I went for a walk in the neighborhood in search of a flask that I could take with me to the stadium, and would make for a nice souvenir to take home. No luck. I instead went to Sainsbury's, a grocery store chain in the UK, and purchased a bottle of water for 42p, downed it, and filled the empty plastic bottle with Jack Daniel's.

Wearing my Arsenal 07-08 third jersey with a light jacket over it, my whiskey bottle in the side pocket, and my "ticket" in my inside jacket pocket,

I boarded the Piccadilly line going in the direction of Cockfosters. The train was pretty full, but not overly crowded. I spent the twenty minute or so ride drinking whiskey, reading the instructions for entering the stadium with this ID card that some fan - Mr. Martin Woods - had sold to the ticket broker on condition of its safe return after the match, and looking around the train at the other fans that were making up more and more of a percentage of the car as we drew nearer to the Holloway Road and Arsenal stops.

I joined the mass of people walking to Emirates Stadium. Streets surrounding it were blocked to cars and food and memorabilia vendors were set up. It was somewhat like going to Wrigley Field in that it was surrounded by a residential and commercial neighborhood. Of all the good looking food stands, I picked probably the worst one. I ordered a bacon cheeseburger. The cheese wasn't melted and the bacon...the bacon was horrible. Brits seem to like their bacon soft and fatty. I had to remove it so that i could finish the burger. I went to the location, by the two cannons, where the ticket rep was supposed to be in case of any questions or issues with the ticket came up.

There was no stand for the ticket broker company set up, as secondary sales are illegal. I called the number for the rep but it went to a voicemail. I finally just walked up to the entrance area. I was concerned about a couple things:
1) I had a legit ticket.
2) I would figure out how to present it without looking like it was my first time using it, risking a possible request for ID by security to verify that it was in fact my pass. I'm not telling what my name is, but it is not "Mr Martin Woods".

It worked out fine. I just placed the id wallet with the card inside inside a scanner slot, a green light and a beep followed, and i was in.

The seat that I ordered was supposed to be along the long side of the pitch, and I was given a seat on the short side, but it was a pretty amazing place to be so I was completely happy. Just like before a football game or baseball game, the players were out on the pitch warming up. Right in front of me.

About twenty minutes before the start of the match, the players left through the tunnel, the pitch was watered down briefly by built-in sprinklers, and ten minutes later they were coming back out.

After player introductions, the match began. No national anthem, which was sweet.

There was no scoring in the first half. The free-flowing Arsenal movement I was used to seeing wasn't on display as much, due to the outstanding defensive positioning by Man U. From what I remember, I think both sides hit the post and there were some quality chances. As good as the Arsenal defense is, they had all they could handle with the United forwards Carlos Tevez and Wayne Rooney in the middle and Cristiano Ronaldo out wide. Ronaldo played close to a perfect game. It was incredible watching him take long passes in the air going straight up the field down the right side and precisely head the ball to Rooney or Tevez in the middle. An amazingly skilled dribbler, when Clichy would give Ronaldo room in the corner, all you could do was hope that an Arsenal player would beat the Man U attacker to the crosses he made in front of the goal. Early in the second half, United scored on this scenario, as Gallas dove to try to steer the ball away from the goal with Rooney running right with him but unfortunately put the ball in the back of the net.

The rest of the second half was kind of a blur. Arsenal tied it on a goal from Fabregas where the ball bounced to him uncovered at the top of the penalty box. He had time to settle it and place it in the left corner. With very little time left, Ronaldo scored for United to put the visitors up. This was a stunner to the crowd, as it looked like United would switch places with them at the top of the table and drop to second. But deep into extra time there was a flurry of chances in front of the Man U goal and the signal came in from the referee that the ball had crossed the line. The place went nuts. The absurd cost of the ticket seemed reasonable.

So that was the game. There was some serious drama going on, however, due to an incredibly stupid decision on my part. That ID card I had delivered to my hotel was sold by a season ticket holder to the ticket broker company on condition of it being returned. I was given instructions to call a phone number of a representative of the ticket company to meet up with after the game to return it. At the end of halftime, the dude sitting next to me asked me how much I paid for my ticket. I told him it was more than I could afford, and he told me that it was his mate's ticket and asked if I had given it back to the contact person yet. I said no, saying that the plan was to give it back after the game. He said that I could give it to him if I wanted, and he could just give it back to his "mate". Not really thinking about anything other than how awesome it was being there, I handed him the card and thanked him.

The second half was extremely exciting with four goals and Arsenal tying it in added time, however I couldn't completely enjoy it because I was getting more and more worried about the idiotic move I had mad by giving the card to the big thug next to me. Midway through the second half I told the guy that I would be most comfortable if he gave it back to me so that I could return it to the designated person after the game. He basically told me to fuck off and that I wasn't getting it back. Did I mention that the dude was at least my height and had me by at least 10 kilos? And he was with his friends who were not gentlemen. So I was pretty much fucked, I thought. I was going to be stuck paying some enormous sum to the ticket company for giving the ticket card to a stranger instead of returning it. The guy was not interested in listening to why I needed the ticket back, saying that it wasn't coming out of his pocket. I had seen the pocket in his coat that it had gone into and finally lunged for it. Bad move. I was blocked, and lucky for me actually, his friend next to him stepped between us. We about got into a fight, then Arsenal scored and we chilled out for a bit. As bad as things were, it really did seem like these guys had season tickets as they were talking with others around them in the section in the same way as I was used to seeing strangers talking to each other at, say, a Michigan football game that sat next to each other all the time, except for these guys being cockney accented asshole motherfuckers. After the game I phoned the ticket rep while following the group next to me. They didn't appreciate me following them, and let me know this. Again, close to getting beat up. I told the ticket guy that the guy next to me was the "mate" of the owner of the ticket and he had it in his possession. I asked if this was OK. To my surprise, the guy said that it was fine, and so I hung up the phone and stopped following the fuckers and that was the end of that.

When I got back to my hotel, however, there was a message from a "Chris" who said he would return Monday to pick up the ticket. "Fuck", I thought. Some hired goon was going to come up to my room while I was sleeping and break my legs with a ~~baseball~~ cricket bat. Sure enough, Monday morning I got a call from the front desk saying that a "Chris" was downstairs and would like to speak with me. They put him on the phone. He asked for the ticket in a nice, polite tone, and I told him that I had given the ticket to the guy next to me and that the rep at the stadium said it was OK. This was enough for the "Mr. Chris", and he said "cheers" or something and the conversation was finished.

Right after the match, I walked from the stadium to meet Dolores's bff and her boyfriend - a Tottenham Hotspur (Arsenal's natural rival) fan - and we had several drinks and talked soccer and a variety of other subjects, some of which were quite odd to be discussing with people I had just met, but it was pretty much a fantastic time. Dolores had mentioned my interest in cougars, and the boyfriend accused me of someone who likes to "go cougaring". I also learned that "pants" means "briefs" over there. Makes sense, right? Panties and pants? Oh, and they seem convinced that all American football players are on steroids. I guess that makes sense that they would think this, considering the average build of Europeans. They had never been to Texas. I just don't understand why football is "American football"...why wouldn't they make up a name for it reflecting their feelings about the participants? How about "Thugby", mates?

2007-11-05T11:45:00.000-05:00

The Curse of Spartan Bob

I was nervously watching the end of the Michigan vs. Michigan State football game on Saturday feeling like I'd been there before. Michigan scores a late touchdown on a long pass to the corner of the endzone to take a 4 point lead. Michigan State gets one last drive. They move the ball past midfield. Michigan gets a sack. Suddenly its fourth and long. Incomplete pass!

I sat there on Saturday in a crowded Washington, DC sports bar, flashing back to six years earlier when I had witnessed this same exact sequence play out in person at Spartan Stadium, only to have Michigan penalized for a personal foul face mask keeping the drive alive. Michigan State went on to move the ball down to the Michigan one yard line, spiking the football with no time (Michigan version)/one second (Michigan State version) remaining. This stopped the clock and gave Michigan State one last play in which quarterback Jeff Smoker scrambled to his right, lofted a little pass back across the field between defenders to Michigan State running back TJ Duckett for a touchdown and a 26-24 win. The game is remembered by many as the "Spartan Bob" game after the game clock operator employed by Michigan State who stopped the clock prematurely or in accordance with the rules, depending on who you talk to.

Initially I wasn't terribly outraged by the whole Spartan Bob fiasco. Don't get me wrong, I have never seen a clock stop more abruptly after the end of a play, almost as if the clock operator was anticipating Jeff Smoker spiking the football. And how the referees missed the blatant holding that occurred on the last play of the game is beyond me. Still, those things can happen when you allow a game to be decided by one play - particularly on the road against a rival. Michigan had plenty of opportunities to win that game that they didn't take advantage of. Michigan State played better football in the second half and deserved to win.

On Saturday, after Michigan State's 4th down pass fell incomplete, it took me about 10 seconds to realize that there was no penalty flag coming and that Michigan would in fact win this time. It was like one of those movies that has alternate endings, and I definitely preferred the 2007 version. But all of these similarities got me to thinking: What if Spartan Bob, by stopping the clock early, placed a curse on the Michigan State football team that continues today? Consider the evidence:

- In the six seasons prior to the Spartan Bob game, Michigan State was 2-4 against Michigan. Including the Spartan Bob game, 3-4. Michigan State is 0-6 against Michigan ever since.

- In the six and a half seasons before the Spartan Bob game, Michigan State was 27-25-1 in Big 10 play. They are 15-34 ever since, including a three game losing streak that commenced the week after the SBG.

- Between 1995 and the SBG, Michigan State's three wins were each by a field goal or less while each of Michigan's four wins came by 12 points or more. Somehow, Michigan State always seemed to find a way to win the close games. Since the SBG, four of the six Michigan vs. Michigan State games have gone right down to the wire, including two overtime games. However, since the SBG, Michigan State has been the team to collapse down the stretch in close games.

- The two post-SBG Michigan vs. Michigan State games decided by more than a touchdown came in seasons that led to the Spartans parting ways with their head coach. Strikingly, the year after the SBG, Michigan beat Michigan State 49-3, the Wolverine's largest margin of victory over the Spartans in more than 50 years. The next week, Michigan State dismissed head football coach Bobby Williams. The extent to which Michigan's 36-13 drubbing of Michigan State in 2006 contributed to John L. Smith's termination is not as clear, but I'm sure that it didn't help.

- Perhaps the most compelling reason to believe in the curse of Spartan Bob is that Saturday's game, which mirrored the SBG in so many ways, was six years to the day after that clock stopped early, giving Michigan State an opportunity to score six points. One miserable, heart wrenching loss for each misbegotten point.

Was the SBG in fact such an egregious miscarriage of justice that it spawned its own curse? Did all of those whining Michigan fans have a legitimate gripe all along? And perhaps most importantly, assuming that the Curse of Sparty Bob is real, at what point will Michigan State have paid its karmic debt to the universe and resume beating Michigan approximately once every three years?

2007-11-02T11:35:00.000-05:00

My Better Half

Last Saturday night I discovered something about myself. The something that was discovered turned out to be a positive attribute, I suppose, but the positive attribute is unfortunately tied to a man-made object. By "man-made object" I really do mean "man-made object" because machines that once produced these objects were set to produce other objects instead of this one a long time ago. Also, I doubt that any females have crafted one of them in the recent years, at least in the style mine was in. As you may have inferred from keywords like Halloween and style, I'm talking about an article of clothing that once was, if not common, unsurprising to encounter. I can't be sure of the time period of its glory, but without research and going solely on the memory of my adolescence - where admit it or not, everyone American, at least, is most keenly aware of fashion appropriate to their their contemporaries out of fear of being ridiculed or physically harmed - the half-shirt era was completely over in the heterosexual community by 1990. By then, if you were, say, a thirteen year-old lad, trying to light a poorly rolled joint, sitting on a fallen tree trunk on the trails in the woods by the paper company down the street from his house, you would be so confused by the sight of an approaching older guy with longish hair, a sleazy mustache, and wearing a half-shirt, you wouldn't know what to think. Too showy to be straight, to scraggly to be gay, and who knows if the dude's dangerous or not. Yet just six years before, that hypothetical older dude in the woods would have surely been greeted with fear, or caution at the very least.

Where have you gone, half-shirt? Even in the athletic apparel section of thrift stores, you are nowhere to be found. Perhaps the more interesting question is "Where did you come from?" At the tender age of thirty, I am far too young to answer this. My earliest memories of half-shirts are likely from its high point. When my family moved from southeast Michigan to southwest Michigan in the summer of '84, half-shirts were everywhere. Music videos featured rockers and rappers alike wearing a tee-shirt truncated on both the sleeves and the, um, trunk. Perhaps a wrapped bandanna was worn on the head along with it. On the football field, wearing a jersey that exposed the abdominal region was extremely common, especially among the more brash players on certain teams (Miami, Florida State, etc...). And yes, tough older guys with mustaches who smoked cigarettes, drank cans of beer, and scored with awesome chicks in the woods down the street from your house also sometimes wore half-shirts. But when did this start? When did this now strange article of clothing first come into existence, expressing the extreme machismo of those fit to wear it? Was someone at a gym somewhere, pumping iron in a poorly ventilated room, and just needed some more air down there? If I had to guess, I would say it all started with some guy who wore sleeveless "muscle" shirts, but wanted to separate himself from everyone else that did as well. "Fuck it.", he said, out came the scissors, and off went a two inch wide band on the bottom.

The half-shirt era is not forgotten. Fans of "Wet Hot American Summer" - of whom I am one - are familiar with a magical scene near the end of the movie where the "Coop" character walks in the camp cabin where the talent show is being held, dressed completely different due to his new attitude after having been taught "The New Way" earlier. The new confidence and masculinity is reflected in his clothes, which included a headband and wristband. But the real centerpiece was the half-shirt. At some point last week I abandoned my initial plan of going as a federal employee (badly fitting suit, white socks, white sneakers, and a badge tucked into the shirt pocket) in favor of "The New Way" version of myself, but I did it. And I don't think I ever looked better.

I arrived at a party hosted by a girl formerly known as my special lady friend in a sweatshirt and warm-up pants so that I wouldn't feel uncomfortable on the bus ride up. I saved that discomfort for the party, which when I arrived was made up of just five girls and one guy. My date was not there yet, so I had some snacks and chatted. I knew all but one of the girls and had no idea who the guy was. He appeared to be older - close to forty - and was dressed in an assortment of garments that somehow collectively were supposed to represent "the red death". The following conversation occurred between us at approximately 9:30PM:

"Hey, so how do you know these girls?"
"Oh, I used to date Laura."
"Oh, OK, which Laura?"
"The Laura who lives here."
"That's funny, I'm actually currently dating Laura...so I guess I'm the new you!"
"Uh, yeah, I guess...or you could say 'I'm the old you'."

We laughed uncomfortably about the awkwardness of the situation.

"Sorry, it's a bit uncomfortable for me to be meeting you when I'm dressed like this.", I said. "Not nearly as much as it is for me...so what do you do when you're not working out?"

Oof.

I did the only thing my instincts told me to do between that point and the arrival of my date: drink heavily. Later the new me's friends came by, sans costume. I was a little uncomfortable still, but the alcohol was working and I was actually starting to get used to wearing the half-shirt. The women seemed to really like it. There were lots of compliments at that party and the one that I went with my date to next. But the one I remember most clearly came from one of the new me's friends at the liquor table:

"You know man, I love your costume, because as ridiculous as it looks now, people really did used to dress like that."

Maybe I was born to rock a half-shirt, but unlike "the dude" in "The Big Lebowski", I'm just not the man for my time and place.

Current conditions: altitude: 35,000 ft, temperature: -67 degrees F, speed: 596 mph
Position: due south of Keflavik, on the tip of a peninsula off southern Iceland, 957 from final destination - London, UK.

2007-10-25T22:08:00.000-05:00

I was with Arsenal from the get-go.

2007/08 English Premiership - Outright
Arsenal			Open	10.00
Bet Type:	Straight bet on above selections	Bet Price:		10.00
		Bet Amount:		$ 30.00
		Bet Payout:		$ 300.00
Time Placed:	August 9, 2007 8:11 PM

Arsenal will not lose Sunday. They may draw, but they will not lose.

So what to do?
If you are an Arsenal fan: Make two separate wagers. Wager #1: bet on Arsenal to win for some amount of money. Wager #2: bet on arsenal to draw for some amount that will make the day a push.

If you are an Arsenal hater: Do the opposite, and ENJOY YOUR PUSH!

Reader: I'm going to London for five days of irreparable damage to my credit cards next Thursday. I will be at the Arsenal/Manchester United match and will file reports before and after.

2007-10-24T10:29:00.000-05:00

Deadbeat Dad's Here!

Lots going on, just not up here, so I apologize if you are a troubled soul who occasionally visits this neglected bastard child of mine in search of entertainment. This thing came about because personal email access was taken away from me about a year ago and like a good Chachki's waiter, I felt a need to express myself. Well, for whatever reason, the computer monsters down in the basement have restored access to my email site. I'm convinced that prisoners in solitary confinement should all try to be writers. There's so much upside -- even if you don't know how to write in any language. You could do the modern prisoner equivalent of cave drawerings, depicting thoughts and acts. If you are in for stalking a female celebrity, you could write about or draw pictures of you stalking that person, or just masturbating to the thought of stalking that person. You just have to ask for a pen and paper. If you're a risk to your own safety or the safety to someone else (and who isn't), maybe you will just get a crayon, but that's just as good -- especially if you get one of those 96-packs that have the built in sharpener on the bottom of the box. Anyone know why crayons are sold in multiples of 12? I sure don't.

So that's one reason things haven't been happening. The other main problem is that I am in a busy season at work. I know, everyone is. Fine, I guess I'm not man enough for this much work and screwing around all in the same day. Administrative aspects of my job are really pissing me off and I may end up taking a different job soon, one that will surely provide far less bullshit time for me to type away mindlessly like this. But I'm waiting for someone to get back to me on this one thing, and decided to declare 11:30 - noon today JERKOFF TIME. So enjoy, hopefully you will find this to be a satisfying pearl necklace of a post instead of a disappointing dribble-down-the-shaft'er.

I realized the other day that it's almost been a whole year for checkoutmyhemi. The first post went up on October 31st of 2006. As is required by Google, the goons in charge of blogger, I will put some sort of "favorites" tag together soon, which will tell you, reader, which posts I gave myself an extra-hard congratulatory pat on the ass for.

Damn it, I still have nine more minutes until JERKOFF TIME is over. What did they call this exercise in English class? free writing?

The other day my motorcycle started losing power on the George Washington parkway, just across the Potomac River from Washington, DC. It felt like I was running out of gas. "Fuck!", I thought. Luckily, I was near a scenic overlook parking area and pulled in to check it out. I was certainly low on fuel, but not empty. Maybe a spark plug problem? I had no fucking idea. I called my friend Joe, who picked me up. I left the damn bike in the parking lot. The next day I had it towed to a service center, which cost me $143. I received a message on my phone from the guy at the shop the next day for me to call him, so I did. "You ran out of gas." "FUCK!", I thought. I told him to rebuild the left carb since it was at the shop. When I picked it up yesterday I was pleased to find out that the bike did, in fact, have something wrong so I didn't feel so bad.

JERKOFF TIME is now over. The picture at the top, by the way, is my fantasy basketball logo. Toodles!

2007-10-03T09:08:00.000-05:00

F*ck You, Santa.

Do you like writing on graph paper? I sure do. I would have done every math problem I've ever done in my life on the stuff if it had always been around. Somehow there was always a shortage of graph paper, perhaps because I never bought it. In college I got most of my paper from the printers at the job I had. Fuck spending money in college on things that won't get you wasted in some way. The only paper I probably bought was "triple-dipped".

start digression
I have never understood how "triple-dipped" is better than "single-dipped". Let's say you take a cracker and dip it into a salt solution. Then you let it dry. Then you dip it back into salt solution again. As the cracker gets wet (notice I didn't say moist -- moist is for cake and panties only, and a cracker most certainly is neither cake nor panties), the salt absorbed in the cracker joins the salt in the water and the whole thing ends up with the same uniform salt level it did before. Multi-dips are great if you're at Dairy Queen though.
end digression

Back in high school I would score some graph paper sometimes, mostly from my dad who was also fond of writing business notes on the sweet grid lines. My mom didn't seem to seek it out when making school supply purchases. This is why, as painful as it sounds, you have to go to the store with your mom when these purchases are being made if you're a non-dropout K-12 mofo.

While graph paper is obviously a great thing for making plots with the good old Cartesian coordinate system, but its utility goes way beyond the math world. Let's say you have to make a speech or are just making notes on an event you observed. Writing those notes on graph paper make me feel more intelligent and organized than normal, which is nice.

So to handle my feelings about the Detroit Lions in an intelligent and organized manner, I've created some virtual graph paper and wrote down some of my thoughts about the team. And I'll tell you, I feel better.

This past Sunday the 'ship and I witnessed an incredible beat-down of the Lions by the Redskins in Landover, MD. 34-3. We haven't had much luck this year. Back in September we both flew to see Michigan get crushed by Oregon. 39-7 or something like that. It's hard to say which game sucked more, and it doesn't really matter anyway.

Sunday started out with deranged optimism that somehow the Lions would end the 0-20 road losing streak against the 'skins. The blue line train had several fans of the Honolulu blue boys, and we talked about how the Lions might have a shot, and how we couldn't wait to start drinking. One Lions fan I met was from North Carolina, which I found to be peculiar, so I asked what his story was.

"When I was a little kid growing up in Carolina, they didn't have the Panthers, so everyone rooted for the Redskins, since they were the closest team. One Christmas I asked for a Redskins jersey, but Santa didn't bring me one. I was crushed, so they took me to JC Penny to get one. When we got there, it was right after Christmas and they had sold out of everything but Lions jerseys, so that's what I got. A Billy Simms jersey. You can't have a jersey when you're a little kid and then just switch to a different team, so I've been a Lions fan ever since."

This is the single greatest hard-luck Detroit Lions story I've ever heard. The poor guy had driven up from the Outer Banks with his buddy, spent money on a hotel room in downtown DC, probably spent close to $100 on the ticket to the game, and now was on the train to get his spirits crushed. Poor fucker. So if you're a Lions fan out there, and you're feeling pissed off about being stuck with them, at least you can understand why they're your team since you're almost surely from Michigan. Be thankful that you're not cursing Santa when Kitna throws his next interception.

2007-10-02T16:50:00.000-05:00

What is up with all these dudes in my bathroom?

I work in an office with 10 other people. On my floor are 5 other offices, all of which are smaller than mine. There is one men's room serving my floor and it contains 2 urinals, 3 stalls, 2 sinks, a janitors closet, a paper dispenser and one of those air fresheners that sprays automatically. I am the only dude in my office and for as long as I have worked here, the bathroom has been relatively free of traffic. Until recently, that is...

I don't know about you, but after lunch I like to take a shit. Its a nice little transition between my break time and going back to work. On Monday last week, I entered the bathroom and sat down in the middle stall, as per usual. Most people would choose a stall on the end so that if someone else comes in they can have a buffer stall between them. True, having someone in the stall next to you can be uncomfortable but I'm willing to risk that in order to use a toilet seat that sees less ass traffic.

Anyway, no sooner do I sit down but some dude comes in and sits down next to me. This almost never happens but I didn't think anything of it until the same exact thing happened the next day. As my mind was spinning, trying to contemplate the odds of this happening two days in a row, some other dude comes in to use the urinal. After the fireworks were over there was a goddamn line to use the paper dispenser, which was all wet by the time I got to use it!

On Wednesday I had to take a piss in the morning and what do I find in my bathroom but a guy in the stall, another using the urinal and a third brushing his teeth. When did my bathroom turn into a fucking communal college dormitory bathroom?! After lunch that same day I entered the bathroom only to find some dude in the second stall, my stall, the one that supposedly receives the lowest amount of ass traffic.

Dejectedly, I sat down in the first stall only to find that the seat was still warm, obviously having recently played host to some other dude's ass. Why are there so many dudes shitting in my bathroom?! As I was walking back to my office I passed two guys I had never laid eyes on before and suddenly it all made sense. Obviously, all of the employers on my floor have decided to hire a bunch of dudes, causing the floor's dude population to skyrocket, thus transforming my once quiet, nearly-private bathroom into a major feces disposal site.

I was out of the office the last couple of days, but when I got back today I found the seat in the second stall soiled beyond the point where it could have been made acceptable through a series wet paper towel/dry paper towel applications. In the past, this type of thing simply did not happen on my floor. The dudes used to be respectful of our shared, once-pristine sanctuary of a bathroom. We had a sense of community. It was by far the best work-bathroom situation I've ever had the good fortune to be a part of.

Now, the bathroom resembles something you might find in a large stadium or airport. Defecating at work has become an impersonal, get-in-do-your-business-and-get-out-without-touching-too-much type of experience. I would contemplate looking for a new job or demanding a home office, but fortunately my entire office is moving at the end of the year. I only hope that the other dude bathroom users on my floor in the new office are more respectful than the louts I am currently being made to coexist with in bathroom purgatory.