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Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Weird, Scary, and Way Too Old

The Halloween party happened. I realized that I had actually been to the house before. Never been inside, but remembered the nice big front porch and the quiet upper northwest DC neighborhood. All million dollar homes. About a year ago I was doing laundry around 10PM on a weeknight when the phone rang.
"Hi, this is Erin."
"Hey, how's it going?"
I had no idea who this girl was or how she got my number, but deduced that I must have met her at a bar some time ago...but with my terrible luck with girls in DC I surely wouldn't forget about a meeting of enough consequence to get a call, would I?
"So, I think you should come over right now!"
"I don't know...this isn't the best night for me, ya know?"
"I'm wearing tights!"
The girl sounded really drunk and horny. I took her address and told her that I would try to make it. I stood there in the hallway upstairs next to the washer/dryer pondering the situation. Some thoughts that went through my mind while deciding what to do:
- It was a week night and I was pretty tired
- I had no idea who this girl was or what she looked like
- I had not gotten laid in some time
- This was the kind of opportunity I would really regret not pursuing
I needed some advice. My roommate Dave was out playing darts and my other roommate Kevin was already in bed. I decided to call my buddy Jeff, who I suspected would recommend me going for it.
"Hey, so are you coming over now?"
It was the girl, Erin. What the fuck?
"Uh, I think so."
Jeff gets on the phone and is laughing.
"Man, these girls are fucking wasted!"
"So should I come over or what?"
"Sure man, but hurry up--I'm telling you, it's getting pretty sloppy over here."
I decided to not think about how weird this whole thing was and just walk out to Pennsylvania Ave and hope to get a cab (not so easy in the southeast end of Capitol Hill late on a week night). I ended up getting one. It was probably close to a 30 minute trip to this address in upper northwest. On the way I was jittery as hell--same kind of nerves you get right before a game winning field goal is attempted in a game you have a lot of money on. I also felt like a sick fuck for actually going all the way across town for some possible ass.
When the cab turned onto the target street I called Jeff.
"Man, these girls are fucking puking. They're all about to pass out."
"Dude, are you fucking kidding me? I just spent like $20 to get here!"
"I'm sooo sorry, man. This girl was wasted and wanted me to call up a good-looking friend to come over. She found your name in my phone and called you. I think they thought you'd just think it was a joke. I'm so sorry, dude. I'll pay for your cab. I owe you bigtime. I'm so fucking sorry about all this."
I was still in the cab. I told the driver to take me home. Never felt like a more desparate loser in my whole life.

In retrospect, I regret nothing. Penis-bearing humans are susceptible to all kinds of rediculous activities in pursuit of females. If anyone learned a lesson, I hope it was the girl Erin, who grossly underestimated what a random male would do for pussy.

Ok, back to last night. This time I actually got out of the cab and walked up the porch steps. There were still trick-or-treaters all over the block. I recognized Stephanie, Jeff's girlfriend, on the porch. I said hi and was introduced to the other girl who lived there, a very hippyish black girl with a huge fro, and that girl's friends, Susan and Sunshine. Yes, Sunshine. Good lord. Sunshine was dressed in a fairy costume I believe. All I remember about it is that she had wings on. Sunshine was drinking a vodka-based drink and smoking a Newport. Sunshine was 19 years old. Born in 1986. Susan, on the other hand, was 51 years old. Born in 1955. Susan gave me a very flirty smile and hand shake. She was fucking trashed. So it was quite a group out there handing out candy to little kids!
I went inside, met up with Jeff and got a tour of the place. Amazing house. Five bedrooms, beautiful kitchen, nice back yard. I started out drinking beers. More and more folks came by later. I found out that Jeff and Steph's roommate worked at Greenpeace and Sunshine, Susan, and a lot of others worked with or were friends with her. I decided to not wear The King costume, to keep things simple. I did, however, bring my sheriff badge. Undercover officer.
Two girls I had met before, Mandy and Stephanie, showed up along with some dude. Both pretty good looking. I figured out that the dude was there with Stephanie. I wasn't overly aggressive with Mandy--she seemed to like me but wasn't drunk or slutty enough to go home with me that night.
Everyone was all fucked up by 10PM. Sunshine had to be carried upstairs to a bed. As I forced her to drink water I asked her how many drinks she had.
"A couple."
"A couple of what? Beers?"
"Uh huh."
"Some shots too?"
"Uh huh."
She had two rolled up ziplock bags tucked into the waist of her hippy skirt.
"And you smoked some pot too, right?"
"Uh huh."
"What else?"
"How many?"
"What else?"
"How many?"
No response. I asked her to hold up fingers. She held up two fingers.
"What else?"
She shook her head no. Good god.

Downstairs Susan, mother of a 28 and 14 year old, was drifting around looking for a drink. Her coworkers had cut her off a while ago for good reason. I went outside with a couple folks and sat on the porch. Susan staggered out and sat down next to me. She noticed a half-full screwdriver on the table next to me and tried to grab it. I stopped her and pulled out my sheriff badge and told her that she was cut off. She grabbed me around the neck.
"Give me that fuckin drink!"
"Stand Down!"
"My mother died! Give me that fuckin' drink!"
It was amusing for a few minutes but then I just went inside.
Jeff and Steph pointed out Stephanie (two stephanies were at the party. sorry.) making out with the dude she came with. I took out my badge and approached them.
"Folks, I'm going to have to issue a citation. Making out in the corner's a 1029. You will receive instructions to appeal, if you decide you want to."
The other Stephanie handed me a marker and a cardboard box, upon which I wrote "1029" and a short drunken description of the violation along with the names of the perps.

Don't remember much more of the night, besides smoking some grass. Oh yeah, at some point Jeff and I hauled ass on bikes to the closest liquor store to get whisky, vodka, and more beer. I ended up walking back to the metro with Mandy and a couple of Greenpeace fuckers.

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