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Monday, February 26, 2007


A curious figure in NBA history died last week. Dennis Johnson passed away without significant public mourning or fanfare.

The fact that such a player could affect such ambivalence, considering his presence in so many basketball games of historical record, is beyond debate between even the most knowledgeable of mortals.

It is fitting then, that only in death, should we hear two opinionated voices vie for Johnson's soul.

Larry Bird (as Cerberus): I never played with anyone from French Lick with your complexion, but I always loved your competitive moxie. You know something, DJ? You should market that as a drink – Competitive Moxie – when those heavenly gates open. Corner it before that jerk Jordan gets to it first.

Isiah Thomas (as St. Peter): Sorry DJ, but rules is rules. Uniform complexion required. No exceptions.

Bird: Did he really say that? Was he smirking? Go back up there and teach him how to throw an inbounds pass. He'll be eternally grateful.

Zeke: Really now? Inbounds pass? Ha Ha. Just tell him that he who smirks last, smirks best. I still won't shake his hand.

Bird: I never gave him the chance to shake my hand in Indiana. He got his papers via fascimile. DJ, don't worry about this too much. We all know that he'll run those Gates into the ground just like he did the CBA, just like the raptors, just like...ugh, no need to run through the litany. Stay strong, Deej.

Zeke: One question DJ. Would you want to play for the Pacers right now? At least I can control my players. And how can you respect someone with that mousthache?

Bird: Man, would you want to talk so much with that whisperish, aw-schucks delivery? With that kind of overblown confidence, it's clear that he's saying all this standing 5 feet behind Scott Hastings and Rick Mahorn.

Zeke: At least my people are capable of rational thought. Good luck down there with Artest and Stephen Jackson.

Bird: So out of touch. You've clearly been out of the league for a while now, with some imposter running the Knicks. Great choice. He's doing a bang-up job.

Obviously, Isiah still has trouble seeing in the long-term. For instance, against the Bulls, how does leaving the court with his jesters look now? How about freezing out Jordan in the All Star game? The Dream Team would'a been nice for him.

Zeke: Sorry, DJ. I couldn't understand you. Bill Simmons is making too much goddam noise sucking your dick. I bet you and Larry could slap the finger cuffs on him. Whatever Larry wants to say, at least my fan base is not made up of the most racist mongoloids in the world. Boston is a lovely town.

Bird: I have no idea who Bill Simmons is. Oh wait. Is he that Charlestown creep that used to proposition me during the '86-'87 season? That guy was relentless, if unsuccessful. Nice try, Ezekiel. I suggest getting yourself tested before making such comments. There's only one of us on tape kissing a guy with the hiv.

Zeke: I'm comfortable in my sexuality. Sorry. Queer. I'm telling Hardaway.

Bird: Deej, I know this tedious to have to go back and forth, but you'll get in up there.

I know Laimbeer has been pushing his girls hard to perfect the screen-and-roll, Zeke. Why not pay him a visit and show him how you used to do it. You know -- screen 'em with chloroform and then roll 'em over.

Zeke: Listen Larry. I was never voted 'Ugliest Man Alive'. You know the ladies can't resist my boyish good looks. Ask your wife. I had her barking like a dog.

Bird: So desperate, Zeeks. For all your ball-making skills, lack of discretion continues to get the best of you. I know DJ can wait this all out, and then, when you or your impostor trade for Baron Davis, the Gates will part.

Till then,

Larry "Legend"

P.S. If you were white, you would'a been just another scrub clawing for playing time.

Larry, that doesn't make any sense. If I were white I'd be considered the greatest player of all time. A more accurate statement would be: if you were black, you would be just another Dennis Johnson.

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