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Friday, February 16, 2007

NASCAR Diaries
Part 3

You may remember, if you do not sniff Testors glue recreationally (sorry for the cheap shot, Arnie),

that a few days ago I explained how I grew to hate NASCAR. My personal story of coming around is much like that of The Battleship. I now give you common objections to NASCAR and respond.

1. They are just cars going around in a circle.

The Battleship addressed this earlier very well. Ever hear your mom or ex-girlfriend complain that football is just a bunch of neandrathals running around hitting each other? Suzy, I know you love football, and I'm sorry to single out females as the people to most often say this, so for you and all of the other sexy young women out there in dorms around the country walking around in hot undergarments clinging to your tight nineteen year old bodies getting ready to go out and torture the young men in the bars with your hotness before coming over to my house, the same thing applies to the hipster guy down the hall in your floor who works part time at the used record store in town who tries to act cool around you and looks like he's about to ask you out but thank god chickens out at the last minute and slinks away in shame to his room to masterbate. That guy makes fun of football because he doesn't understand it and doesn't want to. Let this be a lesson in open mindedness to everyone. Before you make fun of modern art, take the time to understand what motivated the artist to create the piece. Once you understand art or football or opera, you can make the decision to like it or not like it, which is perfectly fine, but after understanding the intricacies of each, you will probably no longer look at them with an attitude of condescention.

2. NASCAR fans are just a bunch of stupid hillbillies.

Pictured: A sexy, sophisticated NASCAR fan talking to an employee inside the US Smokeless Tobacco Nextel Tower suite. Note the tv playing the World Cup game between Brasil and France.

NASCAR fans include hillbillies, just as NFL fans include drunk retarded people. If you think that most NFL fanatics are kind of like you, who knows how to read, go to a Sunday or Monday night game the next time there is one in your city (Lions fans, this won't be you for a long time). Two seasons ago I went with my buddy Rob to a Sunday night game in Landover, MD between the 'skins and the Eagles. You could find a classier group of people in an average West Virginia coal mine. People throwing shit at each other. Dads shouting obscenities at other fans right in front of their kid for no apparent reason. The lesson is to not judge an entire fanbase from the group of people attending the event. Same goes for art shows, protests, and concerts.

That same sexy, sophisticated fan standing next to a jackass wearing a $100 shirt and linen pants.
Final thoughts: Last year I went with the Battleship to the Pepsi 400 at Daytona. Watching a race in person, much like watching hockey in person, is indescribably better than watching it on television. NASCAR is one of those things that you need to experience with multiple senses.

"...the sights, the sounds, the smells...of a hard working rock band on the road."
While I wouldn't say that the sound is better than any piece of ass I've ever had, it's fucking great. Ever hear someone say after sitting close to the field at a football game "I was blown away by how big the players are, how hard they hit, and how fast the game is"? At a NASCAR event, it is truly amazing how fast and close together (especially in a restrictor plate race) the cars run. And yes, they are reall loud. And the paintjobs are really neat-o. And you can die racing or watching, which is pretty damn sweet.

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