Check out my HEMI

The sound is better than any piece of ass you'll ever have.

Friday, June 15, 2007

The Ten Commandments of NFL Betting
Part 2.

After posting part 1, a couple of fine suggestions were made in the comments section so it's time for part 2 of what will hopefully lead you, Mr. Degerate Gambler, to brighter Mondays this fall. But first, here are the first three commandments of NFL betting:

1. Thou shalt not bet on one shitty team to beat another shitty team.

2. Thou shalt not bet on a Sunday or Monday night game that would not be of betting interest had it been played at 1 PM on Sunday.

3. Thou shalt not place any wager on a game involving the Lions unless it also involves a Super Bowl contending team and the bet is against the Lions.

from Arnie 'the beekeeper' Solomon:

4. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wager.

After placing a wager or a series of wagers, nothing is more fun that calling up your gambling buddies to tell them your picks. It doesn't matter how shitty you did the prior week or how much you're up or down for the entire season. The biggest lock-of-the-century bet is always the one you just made. Often, the confidence of the degenerate friend of yours that is on the phone with you announcing what will probably be a real Hindenburg of a bet will trick you into wanting to make the same bet yourself. "Ooh, I like that", you say to yourself. Plus, you like the idea of both you and your dawg watching the game together and both winning on it. This rarely, if ever works out. Instead, you will probably both end up miserable like Arnie and I were after getting taken to the cleaners when the Packers lost that playoff game at home to Atlanta. You don't want to put yourself through that, where you could be left as prey for the funny figured sister of your friend, who is looking for someone who's down on his luck.

the butler, over at Mile High Ramblings, wisely suggested to avoid placing five team parlays just because of the huge payout. I give a slight modification:

5. Thou shalt not parlay more than three wagers.

"How much is that gonna pay out?"
"A little over seven hundred."
"Whoa! That's awesome. And seriously, I like all five of those. That thing is money."
"I know, it's like, just give me the money now, right?"

WRONG. Once in a great while, you or one of your gambling buddies will win a big parlay which is really a curse, like winning a few hundred the first time you play roulette. By the time you win your next one you will probably be a year or two older and a whole lot poorer because of all the failed attempts to hit the big jackpot. There is nothing more annoying (and we've all been guilty of this) than listening to someone tell you how you got screwed out of your parlay by the team that totally should have fucking covered but just ran the clock out, while all four of the other teams came through like an erection. Don't be that guy or you will say something like this to your friends on the phone or at the bar:
"I fucking hate Florida State. A five-team parlay I had. The first four came through without a trace of sweat. I threw in Florida to win because they were -1300 against Clemson. I mean, it wasn't adding to much but it was a fucking lock so why not throw it in, right? And they can't even beat a shitty fucking Clemson team."
This, ladies and gentleman, was yours truly. And don't say that that kind of shit doesn't happen in the NFL. Remember the Texans beating the Colts in Indianapolis last year? This brings me to...

6. Thou shalt not believe any event with a money line will occur with certainty.

Hey, Mr. Smartypants, thinking of putting a grand down on a really good team to beat a really shitty team? You'll probably win, but you won't win that much. If you escape this week and even next week doing this, you will probably think you're a fucking genius and won't shut up to your friends about how great this strategy of betting large amounts on 'sure things' is. Until you go and lose once, wiping out all of your profits and a lot more. Sometimes even the games that are so sure things that there isn't even a money line fuck up. Remember the Texans. What does this mean? It means that you shouldn't bet your fucking mortgage payment on a football game, even when it's the Chargers hosting the Cardinals.

Labels: , , ,


Post a Comment

<< Home

Older Posts