Office Party Time 2006 Part 1



Monday and Tuesday were rare back-to-back no drinking days for me. A single day off is a pretty big deal, but two in the row...it's like a Colts losing streak. Both days my stomach was bothering me quite a bit. Yesterday the streak came to an end in a big way, at work. The first of two Christmas parties was yesterday afternoon. They hold these things in the basement of the building in conference rooms so the noise doesn't bother non-partying workers. You can get a permission pass to bring alcohol to holiday and retirement parties and the like.

Most of the parties don't really have much structure to them other than some sort of retirement or happy holidays crappy speech and lots of eating of finger foods. Yesterday the organizer decided that it would be fun to have a family feud game between the divisions in the office. Through office emails it was decided that the captain of the team would be the team member with the least amount of service, who happened to be me. I initially protested. They fired back:

Okay, here's how I think we should do it.

1) Make paper slips with every team member's name.
2) Put the slips into a hat.
3) Keep drawing slips until Will's name is chosen.

I'm not sure if we should draw *with* or *without* replacement -
Eugene, do you want to weigh in here?

hahaha! assholes! My response:

If you think I won't be drinking at the party, you are mistaken. I'll be the Captain Hazelwood of the ECD ship.

Everyone was fine with that, and we ended up kicking the other team's ass, taking home a trophy reminiscent of the one held up by Borat's sister for being the #4 prostitute in all of Kazakhstan.

After the game, most people started filing out of the room. I was not one of them. This was when the real party always gets started. The real drinkers gathered at one end of the conference table and began working on the beer and wine left over from the party. There was a group of maybe eight of us yesterday. Some great shit gets said by coworkers when drunk, without fail. Highlights from yesterday:

"Why won't that old bitch just retire?"
"Yeah, when Dwight sent that email that just said SHE'S BACK!, I was like 'OH FUCK!' ."
"I know, I mean I feel kind of bad and like I don't wish her dead or anything, and it's good she is out of the hospital finally, but I was so praying that she would decide to stop working."

"Next year, you put me in charge of the Christmas party, and I'll guarantee strippers. Women strippers for the guys in one room and dude strippers in another room for the women and Tom. hahaha!"
"Man, I'm telling you, if you want the real strip clubs, man, you gotta go to Maryland. No bullshit no lapdance shit up there. Whoo!"

"Y'all know where you can arrange for a professional male? I got my sister in town next week and she be wanting to get with one a them."
"How old is she?"
"She kinda looks like Halle Barre."

The party today starts soon. I will recap it tomorrow.