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Friday, December 01, 2006

How I Am Going To Get Rich Right Quick


Yesterday I signed up for a flexible spending account (FSA), which allows you to purchase certain health-related products and services with money that has not been taxed. The main reason I did this was for dental and vision related expenses. There are several other great uses for this money, as I discovered, such as birth control products. You may think that you are about to read about how this is totally sweet because I have so much sex that condoms are a real drain on my budget, but you would be wrong. I smell a business opportunity to make money from people who do have sex often and on random nights with random partners.
Some facts about condoms:
- they are expensive
- some people are ebarassed to buy them
- sometimes you don't have them when you really need them
Here's the basic idea:
If you think you might ever be in a situation where it is inconvenient for you to procure condoms, you register at the company website as a sexually active Washingtonian. Registration could cost maybe $10/year. Maybe free...not sure about that. After registering, you will be given a phone number that you can send a text message to giving the location of the imminent sexual encounter. Also, you can select your preferred brand of condom. Upon receipt of the text message, a courier will rush to your location in DC and discretely get the prophylactic(s) to you to use. It would be far more expensive to use this service than to purchase them ahead of time, but the advantages would be that you
- don't look like a guy who just has a condom on his person at all times
- have it available for emergencies.

I remember back in High School one time I could have totally gone all the way with this really cute girl in the back of my pickup truck that was parked in a random parking lot on a cold Monday night in December (i had a cap on the bed of the truck), but I didn't have a condom so it just didn't happen that night. I think I stayed a virgin for almost another entire year. Of course I didn't have a cell phone back then, but there must be high school boys out there that I can help avoid the frustration that I went through.

Condoms would be purchased with FSA money. You may be thinking that this is one of the dumbest things you've ever read and that I need to start getting back to my bread and butter, which is writing about crimes against nature and the lions being shitty. Well, I have news for you, pally: I'm going to write about whatever the hell I want to write about, including ideas that sound dumber and dumber after each word that I type.

Ok, I'm done writing about that terrible idea. One last thing before I sign off for the week:
TELL EVERY HARD LUCK GAMBLER YOU KNOW TO BET ON USC TO WIN.
This will be a win-win. If USC wins, they win a little bit of cash. If they lose, Michigan will likely play in the national championship game. The hard luck gambler you know may not give a shit about Michigan, but I sure do.
Bon Weekend!

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4 Comments:

  • At 6:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The points elucidated in this post highlight one of the many reasons why the "U-Scan" is one of the great inventions of our times. I guess this doesnt really apply to you city dwellers though.

     
  • At 8:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Way to go Nostradamus. Looks like it was a lose-lose situation after all. Your attempt at a reverse jinx worked too well in my opinion.

     
  • At 9:55 PM, Blogger Awful Chief said…

    i guess two separate bets, one on usc ml and one on fl ml, was the way to go. my mistake.

     
  • At 1:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Um... Are there no other gay men reading this shitty blog? Go to any gay bar, and you can get FREE condoms--yes, as many as you like. I can't remember the last time I bought condoms. Jesus H...

    Joe

     

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