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Friday, December 15, 2006

Unchiefly Chafing

WARNING: The posting today may be a bit disturbing for some readers. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of reading about an injury to my genitals, just skip this one. I don't exactly know why I decided to write about this. I guess it's probably because I'm fully recovered. I guess I'm also doing a public service by warning of the dangers of running without the proper undergarments.

Ok, you're still here. To make things easier for all of us, I am going to be using a couple names and a football move in place of some words:
Fontes = penis
Mornhinweg = urethra
fumble/fumbling = blood/bleeding

(I am not implying that you should somehow associate these names with specific individuals, who may or may not want to be associated with bloody genetalia. Lots of people have those names. If for some reason you want to think of first names when you read these surnames, I don't know why you would choose one name over another.)

"Hello, thank you for calling the nurse helpline. My name is Betty, how may I help you today?"
"Uh, hi. I just got back from a run, and was about to shower when I realized that I was fumbling from my Fontes. I'm hoping that you can help me figure out what I should do."
"Are you currently fumbling from your Fontes?"
"Yeah, it started sometime during the run. I felt some discomfort on my Fontes, but didn't realize that I had been fumbling. The inside of my shorts are covered in fumble. The fumbling has slowed down since I first noticed it, but it hasn't completely stopped. It looks like it's coming from my Mornhinweg."
"Ok, do you have a medical condition that you are aware of that causes this fumbling to occur from your Mornhinweg?"
"No, it must somehow be related to the cold weather. I was running in shorts and it's in the 20's out and it's really windy. I'm not a doctor, but I think it somehow must be from frostbite to the head of my Fontes. During the run I could really feel the cold down on my Fontes and was concerned that there might be some frostbite."
"Hmm...I'm not sure how the cold weather could cause fumbling out of your Mornhinweg. I'm going to put you on hold while I consult with some other nurses. If by chance we get disconnected, I will call you back at this number."

"Hello, Sir?"
"Yes, hi."
"Have you urinated since the fumbling has started from your Mornhinweg?"
"No. I've been worried about whether or not it would be ok to do that or not. I'm guessing it's going to hurt pretty bad."
"Do you think you can try to urinate right now?"
"Uh, ok. Hold on, I'm going to put the phone down."

"Ok hi, yeah I was able to urinate."
"Was there some fumble in the urine?
"Actually no, but there was quite a bit of pain."
"Can you describe where the pain is coming from?"
"It's mostly at the very front of the head of my Fontes. The shaft area of my Fontes doesn't hurt at all and it didn't really hurt inside at all. Just at the Mornhinweg opening on the head of my Fontes."

Nurse Betty was unable to diagnose the problem and give me instructions for what to do next. She urged me to call my doctor as soon as possible.

I was pretty freaked out. I really wanted to be able to use my Fontes again. I wondered if somehow the end of my Fontes had gotten so cold that it froze and the running motion had caused a tear at the end of the Mornhinweg. I hoped that there wouldn't be any kind of serious infection that would cause me to lose my Fontes. I used some hospital strength iodine disinfectant cleaner to make sure everything was ok, and put some vaseline on the tip of my Fontes.

By the end of the day, the fumbling had stopped and urinating no longer was painful. A day later I discovered that I never had actually been fumbling from my Mornhinweg. None of it had come from inside of the Fontes at all. I realized that I had just experienced really bad chafing on the outside of my Mornhinweg orifice.

Right before I went running I had put in two large loads of laundry. I like to run in briefs rather than boxers to keep all the parts together, and all of the pairs were in the wash. Being the dumbass that I am, I decided that I would just wear the shorts without underwear, as they had a lining in them. During the run, my Fontes, without being held down by underwear, bobbed all around inside my shorts. It was probably for the best that it was cold and few people were out walking around where I was, for they would have been either really excited or disgusted by me if they had my midsection in their line of vision with all of the Fontes shaking going on. It was really starting to hurt the last few miles, and the cold just made it more excruciating.

Today is a week after the run. Everything is back to normal, thank goodness. It had been really strange having scabs on the head of my Fontes, but they're gone and there is no evidence that anything ever happened down there.

The obvious lesson here is that if you don't want to fumble from your Fontes, don't go running.

Bon weekend!

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  • At 3:16 PM, Blogger Sarah said…

    So you were really telling me the truth last Friday at the bar! I thought you were joking when you said "It was so cold it made my Fontes bleed" -- and then I laughed! Glad everything's ok and that it's not gonorrhea, which is what I had originally suspected when I first started reading your post.

  • At 4:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    "No, it must somehow be related to the cold weather. I was running in shorts and it's in the 20's out and it's really windy. I'm not a doctor, but I think it somehow must be from frostbite to the head of my Fontes. During the run I could really feel the cold down on my Fontes and was concerned that there might be some frostbite."

    What did you think was going to happen to your Fontes running in weather like that in shorts-only? And how long did it take you after you first became concerned about the possibility of frostbite to seek shelter? Don't take this the wrong way, but do you possibly own a large automobile company based in Michigan?

  • At 5:23 PM, Blogger Awful Chief said…

    I really can't defend my decision making on that day, but I'll say that I was running for less than thirty minutes--the shorts were not the problem. The problem was thinking that the liner in the shorts would function like underwear. The liner was against the togetherness that briefs believe in so strongly.

    I was thinking that I was better off running my frozen Fontes home as fast as i could rather than seeking shelter at the home of a random Columbia Heights resident.

  • At 5:26 PM, Blogger Awful Chief said…

    I'm not sure I would have wanted to discover that I had a fumbling Fontes in someone else's house.

  • At 6:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You know your Fontes is always welcome in the CH, fumbling or otherwise.

  • At 6:54 PM, Blogger Awful Chief said…

    Thanks. I'll run and shoot up there sometime. HO HO HO!

  • At 9:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    man that is full on .I dont know how cold 20 is .but if it's that cold that it could make thing's bleed stay in door's mate.

  • At 9:35 PM, Blogger Awful Chief said…

    it was either the cold or the no underpants or both...
    you are right though--staying indoors would have been the best move.

  • At 7:02 PM, Anonymous Mouse Davis said…

    20 Degrees! Puh-shaaa! Look's like ol' Wayne's youve gotten a litte too far from the SilverDome.

    -The Duke of Featherstone (Rd).


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