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Friday, November 23, 2007

Illegal No More

Way back in September I turned 30 and received some mighty fine gifts from some folks. Dolores and her gentleman presented me with a fresh bottle of good brown.

My buddy Jon sent me shitloads of fantastic Omaha Steak products.

the food came packed in dry ice, which went into my toilet.

And then there's my friend Joe. Joe wanted to get me something I could really use all year long, so he bought me a subscription to a dirty magazine.

I bring this up today because from age 15 or 16 all through my time spending Thanksgiving in my hometown in SW Michigan, I always bought a pornographic magazine on Thanksgiving. It started out with me being bored of sitting around with my family all day. I wanted to get out of the house, smoke a cigarette, and give me something to do for the rest of the day. Then I just made the purchase to keep my own tradition going.

These days, the dirty magazine has really taken a back seat to internet porn and adult dvd's. You can get something new to service yourself to everyday if you want, all without having to overcome the shame of a face-to-face transaction.

So in honor of Joe, the rest of this post concerns this new subscription.

In a world where eighteen year old girls cover their breasts and other privates with clothing, shriek in horror or call the police when asked questions like "How do you like to be fucked?" and "Do you enjoy exposing yourself in public?", and generally do not smile naughtily at you, one glossy covered magazine blasts you off to a magical land where panties are always on the way off, the questions you really want to ask are answered, and Chris Hanson is nowhere to be found. Is this Legal? No. It's Barely Legal.

"It started with a simple dream, and an erection that I wasn't sure I should have had. One day I was flipping through the March edition of Hustler, when I stopped and took a good long look at this chick sitting on top a big screen tv with her tits out and her legs all spread out and shit. I think it said 'Boob Tube' on the screen or something real clever like that. And I'm saying to myself, 'Who is this young lady? Where is she from? What's her height and weight?', and most importantly, since she looked so young that it almost felt wrong "looking at her, 'How old is she?'. So that got me thinking about starting a 'zine that only had those really young looking types. The idea was - stay with me, now - for it to be a magazine for men who like masturbating to images of girls who are by law the youngest they could be, and still get their pictures taken without their clothes on. All I needed was a good name. I first was thinking Hot Teenage Snatch would be good, but I wanted the customer to pick it up, look at the cover and read a title that assured him that what he was doing was perfectly ok. I wanted the name to say to him, 'Hey guy, these girls are super young, but I assure that they're all just old enough for none of us to go to jail, so you can take me home and jerk off with peace of mind.' Barely Legal just came to me."*
- Chester Feeley, Barely Legal creator**

It's November 23rd, 2007. In front of me on my table sits a copy of the January 2008 Barely Legal magazine. I wonder if the girls photographed for this magazine are legal as of today or January 2008, like dating a check months ahead. The cover girl appears to be eighteen years old or close to it. She is wearing striped underwear and what appears to be a red denim skirt cut off just above the crotch line with an electric hedge trimmer. She sips on orange juice through a straw leaning against a wooden door with her left shoulder and upper arm -- the arm with the juice glass in the hand -- and she playfully tugs down her bikini top with her other hand. I think I can see part of her nipple, but I'm not sure if that would even be legal to show. Then I remember that it must be, but just barely. In big letters next to her:


Clearly. Did they think we didn't notice that she was drinking orange juice through a straw?

Also on the cover is a 3x2 matrix of photos of extremely young looking girls. Five of them are smiling. The girl in the (1,2) position of the matrix has braces and at first glance looks like she is pulling on something with her teeth. She is one of the five smilers. On closer inspection, it appears that she has the waistline of another person's panties stuck in her braces. I feel like a scumbag for some reason.

The price for this January 2008 issue: $8.99

Flipping through, I notice a few things common with all the pictorials:
1) an "interview" with each girl accompanies the photos. example questions/answers:
"Do you wear panties?"
"Yes. I'm into cute underwear, as you can see."
"Biggest turn-on:"
"A penis. :)"
2) an information box containing age (usually 18, sometimes 19), height, weight, measurements, and hometown.

"What the fuck am I doing, this girl just can't be legal", I say to myself for the forty-first time. I wish I was eighteen too. I think it's always better to masturbate to your contemporaries. That would feel the least weird. This is how I think this relationship can be best represented:

Note: I know that this will only be appropriate for certain reference ages, but I'm not going to make a 3-d plot. I haven't used Matlab in years.

In summary, Barely Legal is a great magazine to masturbate to if you are barely legal yourself. If you're lucky, one of the models will go to your high school. If you have a class with her, you probably won't get a good grade because you'll be thinking about 'doing it' with her, just like every other guy in the class. There may be lots of thump-thump-thump noises in the room. So join 'em, and beat it yourself.

* may not be accurate
** may not be correct name

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  • At 4:45 PM, Blogger Arnie "The Beekeeper" Solomon said…

    You're an awful man, as advertised. Im going to have to staunchly disagree with the part of that graph that has its domain over the positive numbers.

  • At 1:12 AM, Blogger Joe said…

    When deciding on the right subscription for you, I wanted to get the one that would almost send you to jail. For some reason, "Barely Special Olympics" didn't seem to be the right choice.


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