Someone better notify Zurich about this.

Someone better notify Zurich about this.

If you would have put in a fresh 2000 Flushes in your toll-a-bull after I wrote the last post here, it would be about time to change it.

Uptuh foah mutz!

I decided that since this blog has serves no real purpose to anyone, most importantly me, and I had real work to do at my job, that thing which allows me to pay bills, and personal email seems to have been restored at my job giving me ample opportunity to briefly step away from the work at said job and make stupid comments to friends distracting them from their jobs, why bother with this. "This shit is bullshit!", I thought.

But then I started thinking about some stuff and I got to thinking, "This thing I'm thinking about right now is so awesome that I better, for the good of the world, write it all out and share it with that world so that the world can share in my awesomeness. And I'll do this sharing by posting it to the internet. And somehow, my point of view on this topic will be so special that although the professional media has covered this topic thoroughly, my blog post will stick out and serve a great need of the public. I'll throw in personal experience that no one else can, and it will move readers so much that when the readers are done with my blog post they will be chuckling and then implore everyone they know to read it because it is so great. The blog post I made. Will I shy away from assuming a controversial stance on a subject? No. I will boldly hide behind my made-up pen name and write whatever the fuck I want! Down with the mainstream media, and up with me!"

My blog hating softened recently when my friend informed me that some visitor arrived at her blog by google searching "camel toe drool". That just warmed my heart. If not for blogs, where would the most depraved navigateurs of the internet steer their ships of shame? Porn? Yes, but not always. Sometimes they would accidentally arrive at some completely inappropriate site for them, like wikipedia or ebay or deadspin. It's best for those folks to be stumbling onto sites with comments sections so that they can release that murderous, perverted energy in a few poorly constructed sentences that in the end won't hurt anyone.

So, in an effort to attract a visitor doing a "football hair fuck gamble" search...

Today, as most of you (notice how i'm making the assumption that multiple people will read this. so full of myself) already know, is the start of the NFL season. I like betting on NFL football games. Like a pedophile is nervous for the first day of school, I am excited about betting on NFL football games. Don't get me wrong, it's fun to bet on college games too, but I am terrible at it and wish the United States government could make some law to prevent me from being able to do it so easily. Please, save me from myself! It's your job to protect the best financial interests of me and my family, right?!

Here's what I am betting is going to happen in the NFL games tomorrow and at 1PM Sunday. Others to follow at some point (home team in caps):

Thurday:
GIANTS (-4) vs Redskins
Confidence level: High, like a cool kid at a high school freshmen outdoor retreat

Comments: As a DC resident I can tell you this: the Redskins have some issues. New coach, team that got annihilated in its preseason games, especially in the one "important" preseason game. Reminds me of when the Lions got crushed by the Rams that one game three MNF preseason game about five or six years ago. You tried to tell yourself that it didn't mean anything, but you knew they were going to suck really bad that year. And they did. I know the Giants will be without Osi, but they should still be fine against this Redskins offense that has given no reason to expect they will start out the year as the kind of team that can win or come very close to winning a road game against a decent team like the Giants.

Sunday 1PM:
Bengals (-1.5) at RAVENS
Confidence level: Moderate, like the Republican that you're friends with

Comments:
Living in the Bal-Wash area, this game is going to be on tv, so I might as well bet on it. I was about to start writing how Chad Johnson is hurt and who knows how bad the Cincy defense is and you have to take the home dog in this one. But then I remembered one key piece of information regarding the Ravens. Starting quarterback is...Joe Flacco, rookie, out of Delaware. I'll tell you something about Delaware. It's no fun to drive through. And the name Joe Flacco makes me think about the word "flaccid" and the person Joey Buttafuoco and then John Wayne Bobbitt for some reason. Could Joe Flacco go out there and light it up? Yes. Am I going to bet he doesn't? Yes.

Lions (-3) at FALCONS
Confidence level: Low, like that band. In high school I knew some older, cool, mature, unemployed people who liked them. I will forever associate that band with getting alcohol bought for me by older kids with believable fake IDs.

Comments:
I would love to not bet on this game as there are much better options out there. But I'm not bright enough to not bet on a Lions game, and sadly, I'll be betting on the Lions. The Lions did well in the preseason, have a good rookie running back, and an olde fashioned "opportunistic" Tampa-fold defense you can hang your sombrero on. The Falcons, like the Ravens, will be starting a rookie qb. However, while "Joe Flacco" inspires thoughts of offensive flaccidness (flaccidity?), I could see Ryan doing some work on the Lions. They also have Michael Turner, who should do well at running back. Still, I see the Lions somehow winning this game because Kitna hasn't been concussed yet this year and they should be able to run on the Atlanta defense. Note: I did not believe myself when I wrote that last sentence. The Lions will fuck this game up and I will lose money as a result.

STEELERS (-7) vs. Texans
Confidence level: Medium, like my 2nd favorite Marlboros, behind 27's, during my smoking era. What a douche I am, writing "my smoking era". And even worse am I for writing that last sentence instead of rewording it.

Comments:
The Steelers are going to win this football game. Mark it down. I plan on parlaying this money line, -280, with the Eagles money line (-360) for a nice Pennsylvania special which will turn into a nice -136. Less than 1:1 but a pretty safe way to make some money. I'm about as sure that the Steelers are of covering the 7 as I am that Pennsylvania is one of those "commonwealth" states, like Virginia. I think the Texans will have a decent year, and hopefully my fantasy wideout Andre Johnson does well, but I see this as a 20 point Steelers win.

TITANS (+3) vs. Jaguars
Confidence level: Fair, like the mothafuckin' 4H, bitch.

Comments:
Both teams have good defenses. Jags offense: good running game, not known for their passing prowess. Titans offense: Known for how good their skilled players were in college. I'll take them as a home dog in this one.

Side note: Mike Huckabee has the perfect basketball PA announcer voice. Just picture it: "Notre Dame foul called on number four, David Rivers. His first, the team's second."

I'm making myself watch the RNC to stay as centered as possible. I'll say, the Palin daughter is mighty impregnantable. So that's what all the "drill now" signs are about.

PATRIOTS (-16.5) vs Chiefs
Confidence level: Lots, like Big Lots, the king of bargain stores. Stop by the frozen food section and pick yourself up some Tabatchnik brand barley soup, value conscious, brand aware middle American!

Comments:
I know, I know. 16.5 pts...that's a lot of points. But at the 11 minute mark of the 1st quarter that number is down to 9.5. At the end of the 1st it's 2.5 and the Pats have the ball. This is like a pre-conference college football game between a national powerhouse and a directional school. Don't be afraid of the number. Remember Brody Croyle at Alabama? He's in charge of throwing footballs for Kansas City this year. Go with Brady, leave Brody for someone else to waste to waste money on.

Jets (-3) at DOLPHINS
Confidence level: Towering, like a new unsold Miami ocean view condo unit

Comments:
Jets have themselves a qb this year. Their old guy is playing for the other team. They also have plenty of fans in south Florida. What else.. Jets have a better defense. This game bores me already. Better bet something extra to make sure I'm interested.

BILLS (-1) vs Seahawks
Confidence level: Up, like upstate NY, home of the most under-hated-on accent in the US. Awful. Good folks up there though.

Comments:
Lots of games this week close to pick 'ems. This does not mean that they will be close, it just means that nobody really has a clue what's going to happen. So this and all those other tight-lined games are like those SEC night games between the good teams. You don't know what's going to happen, but you know you'll be watching, so you might as well bet on it (the Arnie rule). Unlike those SEC games, you won't be watching this one most likely, unless you put some action on it, which is what I'll be doing. That makes sense I reckon. I like the home team here. Remember when the Rams went from being a good team to an awful team despite having a decent qb? I see this as the year Seattle joins them, at least on the road. Arizona's going to win this bad division.

EAGLES (-7.5) vs Rams
confidence level: Un, as in the uncomfortable fullness after finishing a big10 burrito.



Comments:
I could not be more confident that the Eagles will win this game, but that 7.5 sits about as well with me as a milkshake after a keg stand. It's like how they talk about Anne in Office Space just looking like the kind of chick who would, you know... But hey, I don't want any part of the Rams in this one. The Eagles D should be pretty damn good this year after picking up Asante Samuel. The Rams defense however, is expected to be Lionesque, or young, hungry, and opportunistic. AKA shitty.

Buccaneers (+3.5) at SAINTS
Confidence level: No, as in no rubbers. This is my don't think, just do it and worry about the consequences later pick of the week.

When a gambler and a random event like this come together and both are in bayou heat, its some animalistic, synergistic, wageristic, Discovery Channel action that isn't supposed to be beautiful or romantic. It just happens and you can't stop it. I recommend going outside your house until 12:58PM Sunday, then sprinting inside and making the pick just before it goes off the board. You'll feel proud of yourself for getting it in and you won't start second guessing yourself for taking a stance on this game for two hours. I like betting on highly concussable, cancer-ridden quarterbacks like Jeff Garcia the first week of the season.

So there you have it. I'm looking to have something on every game this week and hopefully every game this season. I've got some extra money because I'm recovering from a serious illness and can't drink for a few more weeks. I plan on modifying my three-step plan of

1) make deposit
2) bet on sports
3) profit

to

1) get horrible illness
2) save lots of money by not drinking
3) deposit savings
4) bet more on sports
5) profit more

So I've got that going for me, which is nice. One other nice thing I have going for me is really cool blow-dried-looking hair when I wake up. I need a haircut, but since I can't go out and carouse, there really is no point right now. Instead, I'll keep waking up and admiring this beautiful thicket in the mirror.