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Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Fed To End "Crisis of Confidence" With Cocaine

"There is no better stimulus package than an actual package of stimulant."

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernake announced Tuesday morning a plan to restore confidence in the US financial markets by distributing a massive amount of cocaine to US investment bankers. The news was well-received by investors and Wall Street traders in lower Manhattan.

"One thing is for certain -- we're in challenging times. But another thing is for certain -- that we've taken strong and decisive action," President Bush told reporters shortly after distribution began. "Operation Line Drive began at 8AM this morning, with bales of cocaine attached to parachutes dropped from Apache helicopters all over lower Manhattan. We needed to get the cocaine to the investment bankers before the markets opened, and we have done just that."

The cocaine, like food and cash drops by the US military over Iraq and other nations facing their own crises, has made its way to those who most need it, although inevitably some did end up in the hands of members of the populace not involved in investment banking. The highly active homeless population at Battery Park was evidence of this. "We knew that some of the cocaine would end up in the wrong hands, but these are trying times. We saw the only solution was to just drop more cocaine in hopes that the investment bankers would get enough to restore their shattered confidence."

The cocaine has already restored the confidence of one trader. "I was really down about everything about an hour ago. The Bear Stearns thing and everything was a real flatliner. It wasn't until I got all this cocaine that I remembered that I'm the fucking man. This is a tough city and a tough business. Only the smartest and most powerful people like me can survive and even thrive through all of this. God damn I'm fucking important. Hey, you got a cigarette?"

Traders are bracing for an enormous volume of trades. "I don't really have any idea what these dudes are going to be up to today, but it's gonna be something. Definitely going to be heavy action. I have a feeling that these guys are going to try to prove to themselves they are the bigshots they really think they are. I just hope they're not so coked up that I won't be able to understand the orders."

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