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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Dude, It's Already The tenth.

My buddy Jared, for the second or third straight month, has sent me a "dude, it's already the tenth" text message on the tenth day of the month to which I have immediately responded "far out". Jared, you are a delightful chum. I was not fortunate enough to see The Big Lebowski in the theater when it first came out, but I do sometimes go to a theater to see a movie (What a horrible transition sentence that was!).

Last Friday the special ladyfriend and I went out with Dolores, her BF, former occasional commenter Grape Smuggler, and his fiance to see Grindhouse. The movie was awesome. Go see it post haste. I will not be breaking down the movie for you. There are professionals who do this, and they be doin' it well. I'm here to tell you about the food and beverages that were consumed during the movie.

"I know we are a good looking minority couple, but why does Regal Cinemas always put a spotlight on us? Damn!"

The special ladyfriend brought two half pints of rum to pour into coke and diet coke, which I purchased along with a large popcorn. Notes on the container volumes:

- Remember that "dick suckers cramp" joke back in middle school? I don't remember exactly how it goes, but I remember when I was in 7th grade, an 8th grade girl named Amy Fried whom I wasn't really friends with came up to me and from what I remember had me open my mouth really wide and say a bunch of stuff with my mouth wide open, then after a while she said to close my mouth. Then she asked if my jaw felt like it was stuck staying open after all that. I said that it did. Then she said something like "Ha ha, you've got dick suckers cramp!" and walked away. I think this was the most I ever conversed with her, and since I never really had a crush on her or anything I am not upset by that. I was not really embarrassed about having the joke played on me either because for whatever reason, she didn't do it in front of a lot of people to laugh at me which I thought was the whole idea of doing something like that. OK, shit, I guess now that the details of that joke have come back to me, I see that it doesn't have much to do with the large popcorn bucket. I'll tell you though, powering through a massive tub of popcorn topped with Castrol Syntec or whatever the fuck that butter flavored oily substance that they drench the popped corn in really gives your jaw muscles a workout! By intermission, which is when I finished El Tub (that should tell you how entertaining the Robert Rodriguez feature is and how much of a pig I am), I was ready for a jaw massage. I wonder what a 'happy ending' would be for a jaw massage...

- Special ladyfriend wanted a diet cola to mix her rum into, so I hunter-gatherered my ass to the lobby to procure the beverage, man. My pal Grape Smuggler was a few spots ahead of me in line and ordered the "#1 combo", made up of two medium fountain drinks and a large popcorn. Sounds like a reasonable order, right? Wrong! I've already covered the size of the popcorn, sort of. You know how when you're out with your guyfriends and one of them sees a hot girl and says to the rest of the group "I'd eat a bucket of her shit."? No? Oh well. The bucket is so large that that announcement actually would seem pretty gross. Now, back to the drinks. There is no standard volume for "small", "medium", and "large", so the hope is that when you order one of those sizes you get a cup filled with fountain drink of a size comparable to other past experiences ordering that size. Because they are a for-profit corporation the Regal Entertainment Group decided that instead of advertising "44 oz", "medium" would sell more. I was frightened by the size of Grape Smuggler's two medium beverages. His cardboard meal transporter was understandably buckling from the pressure of the two big units stuffed into it. I saw this and decided to pass on the "#1 combo' and just get two small drinks and the large popcorn. This saved me fifty cents. Size of the "smalls"? THIRTY-TWO OUNCES! I consulted the urination entry in the wikipedia and found the following:
The first urge to void is felt at a bladder volume of about 150 mL, and a marked sense of fullness at about 400 mL.
Thirty-two ounces is roughly 950 mL. Grindhouse is over three hours long. There should be a law against this. I missed one of the hilarious faux trailers between the Rodriguez and Tarantino while I was fulfilling my urge to void.

"Y'all take a listen, you'll hear the deep sound comin' down from Bobby Peru."

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