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Friday, April 06, 2007

Hey Jesus, Take That Cross Off Your Back and Jam it Through Colin Cowherd's Face

It would be a better Friday if this man turned up dead or at least fired. (Photo from Awful Announcing).

Back in the late nineties I began to tune in to sports talk radio instead of always listening to a tape or cd while driving. At home I switched the radio station my alarm clock woke me up to from FM to Ann Arbor's AM 1050. I found this station to be a great source of information on Michigan football and other amateur and professional sports teams in the area. This programming increased my sports knowledge tremendously.

The most important sports talk radio program to me was The Tony Kornheiser Show, which came on at 10 AM every weekday on AM 1050, which played ESPN programming during the middle of the day. Unlike most of the local yokels, Tony was really smart and funny and was a natural on the radio. At the end of the show he read emails on the air that were especially smart and funny and related to the day's programming. I probably sent fifty or so emails to the show over the years. I was very proud that he read two of them during the mailbag segment.

Eventually word got out about Tony's brilliance. When he started doing PTI he announced that he would no longer be doing the radio show. This was crushing. He soon realized that he missed doing radio and returned, but only on a local DC station, Sportstalk 980. ESPN inserted someone named Colin Cowherd into the vacant 10AM slot before Tony realized that he shouldn't have quit radio and sports talk radio was forever changed for the worse.

I gave schrutebag a chance for a few weeks. My initial impressions of him:
- not at all funny
- not especially smart
- only had safe opinions
- extremely ratings conscious

When he came on the air, the NBA playoffs were going on. The Pistons had just won the East and were headed to the finals against the heavily favored Lakers. Going into the finals, Schrutebag wouldn't shut up about how bad the Pistons were, calling them maybe the worst team to ever appear in the NBA finals and that they had absolutely no chance against the Lakers. Of course the Pistons plowed through the Lakers in five games. This was unbelievably sweet for me as a Pistons fan. At that point I had developed a hatred for Colin Cowherd and only listened to his show to see how he would take this. Instead of admitting that he was dead wrong about the Pistons, he called them "the William Hung of NBA champions" and only admitted to being wrong about the Lakers. Like probably everyone in the Detroit area and hopefully many others around the country, I stopped listening to his pathetic little show for good that day. When I moved to DC I did not take my car, and my interest in sports radio quickly died.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about Colin Cowherd and his radio program. On Thursday he instructed his listeners to bombard The Big Lead, (see the links section on the right margin of this page) with hits to overload its server. The Big Lead is still down.

Fortunately, I have a ten step plan for getting back at Colin Cowherd.

1) Colin Cowherd should be fired
2) Colin Cowherd should be then jailed
3) Colin Cowherd should be then raped
4) Colin Cowherd should be then re-raped
5) Colin Cowherd should be then skinned with a potato peeler
6) Colin Cowherd should be then de-jawed
7) Colin Cowherd should be then stripped of all limbs by 50cc Vespa scooters
8) Colin Cowherd should be then fed his ground-up limbs through a feeding tube
9) Colin Cowherd should be then placed in a giant microwave and cooked for one hour on cook power level 1
9) Colin Cowherd should be then attached to a giant hook and cast into the piranha infested Amazon river until nothing is left of him besides in the feces of piranhas

Whew, that was cathartic! Seriously though, I would like to see that sack of foreskin fired more than Matt Millen. I will be looking for an effective way for me to contribute to his demise.

Bon weekend!



  • At 9:22 PM, Blogger The Battleship said…

    Mr. Tony is back on the air here in DC from 8:30 to 10:30 on 1500 AM and 107.7 FM. The show repeats from 10:30 to 12:30.


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