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Monday, August 20, 2007

Stop trying to speak for me with your bumper stickers

What could Gary have been thinking? Does he really think that there is anything that one of the billions of them "down there" is going to do anything that will cause me to become angry or happy to the point where I'll want to take some kind of action? Does Gary, who just applied his newly purchased "Don't make me come down there. - God" bumper sticker on his minivan, think he somehow speaks for me? How insulting. I wonder how that stupid Gary would feel if one of the turds he flushed down the toilet five years ago thought it was speaking for him, warning via poop odor to the other turds that if they weren't existing in a certain turdish manner that some other turd defined many craps ago, that Gary was going to "come down there".

What exactly is Gary trying to do with that pathetic bumper sticker? He seems to be trying to reach out to people who are doing things that they don't think they should be doing but do them anyway. He seems to reach out to them to say, "Hey, stranger, that thought in your head that is suggesting for you to stop doing what you're doing -- that's God saying that to you -- and I just think you should do what God says. And to help motivate you to act on the thought in your head that is in fact God, I have gone ahead and used fear, my favorite motivator. Remember, stranger, when you were younger and did something and one of your parents yelled out 'Don't make me come down there!' to get you to stop doing that something or you might get spanked or punished in some other way? Of course you do. That's why I put it on the bumper sticker! Here's what I want you to do, and do it in this order:
1) Read the bumper sticker.
2) Remember a time when your parent or guardian said that to you when you were younger.
3) Associate that message by your parent with an act in which you were engaged in that, which, if not ceased immediately, would likely lead to physical punishment by that parent.
4) Recall an instance of when you stopped engaging in the activity to avoid the perceived threat of physical harm.
5) Process that it says "- God" on the bumper sticker.
6) Imagine the possible kinds of harm that an unknown metaphysical entity, known as "God". could dish out to you.
7) Get really scared about the limitless possibilities of badness that could be put upon you by this theoretical entity, that the message suggests is threatening you.
8) Stop doing something as a result of this fear."

What's with these people, anyway? Can't they take a hint that maybe I just don't care? I mean, when is the last time I really did anything good for them? Yeah, like I'm just going to stop a hurricane from hitting somewhere where people are. That's how I stay entertained. Watching all that destruction and reconstruction is pretty sweet, I have to say.

Gary just doesn't get that I couldn't care less about whether someone wants an abortion or wants to jam it into someone who is capable of jamming it into someone else. I don't really care if they fruitfully multiply or divide, add or subtract. They can jam it into a knot hole in a tree, for all I care. Gary needs to consider that I might have other shit that I'm focused on, like whether that other dimension I spent the weekend in is going to have a big bang or not. That's the last thing I fucking need right now. So Gary, s'il vous plait, do shut up. Try focusing less on what you think I want and more on not being so much of an asshole.



  • At 12:16 PM, Blogger the butler said…

    Amen, brother.

    I also love the one, "God is my Co-pilot" if God would let a dumb ass like that drive Him around.

  • At 11:07 PM, Blogger Jon said…

    Few bumper stickers are timeless...

    "Show me your tits" is the only one that comes to mind.


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