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Monday, August 20, 2007

Roar Restore Disorder

"You can check your anatomy all you want, and even though there may be normal variation, when it comes right down to it, this far inside the head it all looks the same. No, no, no, don't tug on that. You never know what it might be attached to."
-Buckaroo Bonzai

The human brain is, like, way complex. And human brain-having humans are, like, studying the shit out of human brains right this very minute, all over the world. Even though not everything is known about brain function, we have long known when brains are functioning improperly. It's like with cars. If you operate a Dodge Magnum, you might not have any idea what "HEMI" means, but you probably can tell when some kind of service for it is needed. A key difference though is that with the human brain, you sometimes need someone else to recognize a problem. With medication and cage confinement, a person with a brain disorder can keep it under control. Over the years I have become acquainted with, been friends with, and even dated people with mental illnesses such as Bipolar Disorder. They freely admit that if they are not on their prescribed medication, they will go "crazy". In college, one of my best friends had Bipolar Disorder and would sometimes ignore the prescribed treatment, thinking that the best way to manage his condition was with a variety of alternative medicines. This did not work out well for him. One day he returned to the apartment after a day of manic credit card purchasing, dressed as a king, complete with an elaborate crown, robe, and staff. Highly amusing, yes, but also insane, or as Al Kaline would say, flat-out insane. In March of 2006 I finished a marathon as "the king" as a joke.

His costume was no joke -- he really thought he was a king and purchased accordingly.

Although I have not been diagnosed with a mental illness, I sometimes finding myself thinking or acting in a manner suggestive of an improperly functioning brain. Sometimes I'll be lying in bed thinking about some girl who lives far away that I like, like like, but who like, just like, likes me. I catch myself being crazy in the act and yell "STOP IT!". And I do.

Far more disconcerting is the fact that I have been catching myself thinking insanely delusional thoughts regarding the 2007 Detroit Lions. Here are some examples:

- The scene: PTI set, sometime in October. On the top of the discussion board in the A-segment is one word -- "Lions". The show opens up quickly breaking into a discussion of the Lions dominance in 2007. During this discussion, "Will the Lions lose a single game?" is at the bottom of the screen. The bell sounds, but Wilbon and Kornheiser ignore it. Finally, they decide that if they lose a game, it would have to be on December 16th at San Diego, a matchup that already is being referred to as the "game-of-the-year" and a "Super Bowl preview".

- The scene: NFL pre-game show, sometime in October or November. It's halftime of the English Premier League match I am watching. Hopefully it's an Arsenal match, they're up 3-0, and on top of the league table. I flip over to one of the pre-game shows. It does not matter which one as they all suck equally. Let's say that it's Fox, only because I think they still have Jim Brown, Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long. They are out on one of those stupid miniature fields attempting to demonstrate why the Lions offense is so hard to stop and some possible ways to slow it down. Every defensive strategy they come up with has a serious flaw:
"You can cheat and come at them like this, but at the same time you are leaving yourself badly exposed over here, and a great quarterback like John Kitna is surely going to exploit it. The Lions offense gives serious match-up problems that few defenses in the NFL are fit to handle right now. I don't envy their opponents' defensive coordinators, J.B."

- The scene: PTI set, February 4th, 2008. Again, the first discussion item listed is "Super Bowl". Second discussion item: "Will the Lions Repeat?" The guest is John Kitna. He laughs with Michael and Tony as they reflect on his prediction of winning 11+ games.
Tony: "In all seriousness, did you actually think that your prediction would come true?"
Kitna: "Ha, well Tony, I had been drinking when I said that, so I don't even know. But I sure didn't think we would go 16-0 and win the Super Bowl, that's for sure."

And then I catch myself and yell "STOP! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!" And I do. And I go back to telling myself that it is inconceivable for the Lions to win more than six games. There is, as far as I know, no cure for Roar Restore Disorder, although studies seem to show that outbreak become less frequent and severe as you get older. The most important thing to do during an episode is to stay away from your local bookie and to try to keep all of your crazy thoughts confined to your sick brain or you could end up being committed by your friend or relative.

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  • At 12:36 PM, Blogger The Battleship said…

    There is no cure for RRD, but it is treatable (kind of like herpes). A great treatment (that I know AC is familiar with) is reading the Lions schedule. You really think that the Lions will win 10 games? Go through that schedule and find me those 10 wins. I defy you.

    Another great treatment is week 1. If that doesn't send your RRD outbreak into remission its probably time to seek professional help.

  • At 6:41 PM, Blogger Arnie "The Beekeeper" Solomon said…

    I find that the best antidote is reading the schedule, especially one road game that the Lions will play in San Diego. I think about the fact that I have the #1 overall pick in my work fantasy league this year...I drift away into thinking about the game LT will have...and sooner or later, Im not even aware the Lions exist.


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