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Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Can it be baseball season now, please?

This morning I found a text sent to me by a friend of mine. "
What do you think?"
"Uhhh, about what?", I thought. I figured there would be a fantasy football trade offer for me to review or something that an email would clarify.
No email from him. He done crazy.
Then a coworker walks up to the door of my 100 sqft windowless office. "So, what do you think?", he said with an excited, somewhat envious smile. Then it hit me. "Oh shit, did that deal get done?", I asked.

Twenty-four hours ago, baseball was about the last thing on my mind. When I would see front page stories on the Johan Santana speculation, I would want to clear the crap off my desk with one powerful outswing of my left arm. I don't care about whatever shitty little cute Winter meetings are going on. I get enough rampant speculation with the Michigan coaching job, thank you very much. And if I want more, I can always turn to the world's game to see what players Chelsea wants to bring in so they can become the most expensive, boring team in the history of Sports. I'd rather watch distance running on Versus than Chelsea. It's like they are managed by a corpse...

I was really tired last night from staying up watching MNF on - you guessed it! - Monday night, and I was happily watching the Red Wings destroy Montreal, so I didn't bother following the story that so many of mes amis were focused on. But this morning, when my coworker walked up to my door and asked me what I thought, I instantly became fired up about the upcoming Tigers season. Assuming that all players involved pass their physicals (on three: one, two, three, PHYSICAL!), and everyone is healthy at the start of the season, the Tigers would roll in with -

OF: Ordonez, Granderson (That's my grand dawg, out there!), Jaques Jones, and Marcus "the river" Thames
IF: Cabrera, Renteria, Polanco, Carlos Guillen, and Ivan "the decent" Rodriguez
SP: Verlander, Bonderman, Dontrelle, Robertson, and Kenny "Gutterballs" Rogers
RP: Zumaya, Rodney, Jones, Aurillio Lopez, ...

Well fuck my cock! That's a pretty good squad.

And thank goodness. Like a Shakespearean tragedy, we all know how the Lions season is going to end. The Michigan Football Wolverines are about to get fisted by that quarterback, Deebo, that they have down there in Gainesville, FL.

"What you got on my Heisman?"

Yeah, I know the Red Wings and the Pistons are damn good, but come now. Unlike in football (both the American and un-American varieties), the regular season does not matter in the NHL or the NBA. We fans of Michigan-based sports teams need something positive right now. Something to give us a nice warm fuzzy feeling - the sports news equivalent of getting a lap dance from a girl wearing a chinchilla fur thong - and this trade does just that.

Monday and Tuesday I decided to clean my desk here at the office. I sorted and filed some papers. I recycled others. Then I borrowed some Pledge from a coworker and put a nice shine up on the surface. Only my PC and components, coffee and water cups, and a couple neatly organized stacks of paper remain. With this news, I want to leave work, go to the nearest hobby/sports collectibles store, buy a roll of fake grass, some Detroit Tigers figurines, and make a miniature Comerica Park on my desk, complete with the General Motors fountain. I would then close my office door, which I normally only do when I'm exceedingly gassy, and spend the rest of the day playing with my pretend 2008 Detroit Tigers team.

Cabrera: "Hola, amigo!"
Ordonez: "Hola!"
Cabrera: "My name is Miguel. I am super excited to be here. I can hardly wait to hit some home runs and bases-clearing doubles for the loyal Tiger fans."
Ordonez: "Great to meet you, my name is Magglio. Hey, we're both from Venezuela, we both like hitting home runs and bases clearing doubles, and our first names both start with 'M'. I think we're going to get along just fine."
Cabrera: "I agree, Magglio! I wonder if the media will ever write a story about how we're both from Venezuela and are good hitters on the same team... perhaps they might even ask me if I look at you as a mentor, since I am a good young player from Venezuela and you are an experienced good player from Venezuela..."
Guillen: "Hey! What about me?"
Ordonez: "Hahaha!"
Cabrera: "HAAAHAA!"
Guillen: "ha ha ha!"

Then I would answer some emails and return to playing with the new team...

Granderson: "Oh, hello good sir!"
Willis: "Hi! I can't wait to begin playing baseball with you fine fellows!"
Granderson: "Oh my, you are so well spoken! What is your name, teammate?"
Willis: "As are you, pally! My name is Dontrelle. What, may I ask, is your name, friend?"
Granderson: "My name is Curtis. It's great to meet you Dontrelle. You know what the media here in Detroit - and around the whole country in fact - would just eat up like a fresh batch of snicker doodles?"
Willis: "What would that be, Curtis?"
Granderson: "If the two of us - the most likable young African-American players in the majors became best friends."
Willis: "I do believe you are right, Curtis. We will be on all of the commercials together. Our likability will overshadow the wacko African-American players on this team...cough, cough, Gary Sheffield, cough..."
Sheffield: "Hey, I heard that!"
Willis: "Hahaha!"
Sheffield: "Ha ha ha!"
Granderson: "hahaha!"

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  • At 1:01 PM, Blogger Big Al said…

    Hysterical, AC! Or should I say, "Hahaha!" I needed this, if only to wipe my memory of the ongoing clusterfuck in A2.

    Baseball season can't get here soon enough!

  • At 11:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Why do I feel like the players are British?


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