From One Carpenter to Another

One fun thing about having some dickhead friends on the West Coast is knowing that, on a whim, you could fly out to frolic in their dry sunny climate and drink to the point of vomiting on their glass kitchen tables and leave it overnight for the cats to sample and for the smell to seep into the wood cabinetry to long outlast your stay. Also, you get to wake up to listen to incredibly drunken messages left for you. If you have really great friends out in the land of commie pinko, hippy pansy semen-surfing cock forests, you have to leave your phone on the other side of a closed bedroom door.

This first one is an example of a playful, fun message probably left in the afternoon (names -'d for non-statistical disclosure limitation):

Jon: "Hey there ----, your buddy Jon here, just calling from the streets here of San Francisco with a gentleman called Joseph -------. we're at Walgreens. He's returning a pack of cigarettes because he found a tobacco store adjacent to this particular tobacco store and, Wow! they've got an Astroglide 2 for 1, 2 in 1 pleasure massage, actually, Jesus, it's $12.99 for only 70 fluid ounces. But uh, just wanted to make sure that you don't have a flaccid Johnson, cause the last I checked it's pretty much not cool to have a limp cock"

And now for last night's gift:

Jon: "Please hold for Joe -------..."
Joe: "Mr -------, I can tell you just unwrapped your pussy because I could just see the glossiness from here. That shit was blinding. Your pussy's so bright I've gotta wear shades. Damn right. Your pussy's sooooo bright. I just put on some 30 UVB fuckin sunscreen. Your pussy's so glossy, shit it's so lubed up and moist. it's blinding. Good thing I got a base tan down at the fucking tanning salon to make way for your pussy rays."
Jon: "Yeah, Joe and I put pussyblock on because we knew that your pussy was going to come shining and we know that the elliptical pussy's going to come soon so we're kind of awaiting the glory. we really appreciate everything that you do, because we know that you recently used Summer's Eve and so that's why we know it's going to be coming bright. We just really appreciate everything that you do. I'm going to pass the horn on. can you something to ---- about his pussy? anything..."
Unknown: "I don't know, your pussy must be shit by now because it was dirty the last time i saw you. I'm not sure when that was, it's gotta be a census at least. i don't know, anyways OK..."
Nick: "pussy in a box. a swong of a loin of choicewise reefus"
Jon: "----, i just wanted to give a big shout-out to your twat. and uh, we know that you got some kinda bluff issues, but if you scrape the scabs off it's going to be fine. in fact, rumor has it that if you put some kinda flame to it you'll get the bugs out and you could just start fresh. from one man to another, i just really appreciate what you're doing. I'm going to pass the phone along now.
Joe: "----, when I've got cobwebs, you know i just dust my pussy off real quick with a swiffer. the swiffer's a beautiful invention because it dusts that pussy off real nice, gets it real glossy. when it's all moist it's ready to just jamb right in, you're all set. it's got no dust mites or nothin'. thanks for the swiffer. i might call it a pusswiffer."
Jon: "now ----, you got a mahogany stained pussy and so, if you've got pledge, and you put ample amount of pledge on a rag, you'll get anything out. i mean, from one carpenter to another, you just apply the pledge, a little summer's eve, a little pledge, and you just wipe out all those webs. i mean we just want to appreciate what you're doing because you're just representing the east coast and 'W' and all those great things that we love as a nation. all of us on the west coast appreciate what you're doing here for the nation there on the east coast. so just wanted to extend our thanks, memorial day, you know, we really appreciate everything you know. a lotta great things: Iraqi children dying, and you basically. kinda hand-in-hand, you know, you and the death of many people, so thank you! have a good one."

Challenge Joined

When I first heard that this blog was having an NFL Pick 'em contest for its guest contributors with the winner getting a Drew Stanton jersey, I immediately contacted blogger.com to have them e-mail me a password reminder so that I could log-in and participate. Then Awful Chief informed me that simply leaving my picks in the comments section wasn't going to cut it and that I would have to write whole posts consisting of at least multiple paragraphs on a weekly basis in order to qualify. The Awful Chief drives a hard bargain.

The thing is, I really want that jersey. Stanton is the namesake of one of my fantasy football teams and as the Lions backup quarterback, he occupies what is traditionally one of the most glorified positions in all of Detroit sports. Unfortunately, with the exception of large pizzas and cigarettes, I rarely finish what I start so the chances of me keeping this up over the next 16 weeks are slim. This is probably just as well because I have absolutely no faith that Dr. Blackstones will follow through on his pledge to pony up a Stanton jersey.

"We Want Stanton" Team Logo in my Yahoo! Fantasy Football League

But enough with the dillying and the dallying. Here are my picks:

GB, KC, Tennessee, NO, Carolina, NYG, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Seattle, Miami, NYJ, San Diego, Pittsburgh, Dallas, Minnesota, Baltimore

You'll notice that I didn't bother to justify my picks or make any humorous comments about the matchups or my fellow bloggers' picks. I apologize to those of you disappointed by my brevity. Frankly, there is only one game that I'd be excited about gambling on this weekend and it involves amateurs.

Last I checked, the University of Southern California is favored by 11.5 points over The Ohio State University. Snatch lacquer on a cracker, that is one tasty line! The safe bet, of course, is to take USC -11.5 at home against TOSU playing without star running back Chris "Beanie" Wells. But half the fun of gambling is that it makes watching the games more exciting and after watching TOSU struggle last week against (just) Ohio University I'm almost certain that the cover will be safely in hand by halftime. Some sportsbooks, however, are offering +1200 odds on USC -29.5, which should remain compelling well into the 4th quarter.

I believe in diversifying risk, so my recommendation to those of you reading this in Las Vegas is to head down to your favorite sportsbook and place separate bets on both the straight cover and the 12/1 payday. If both come through, you'll have enough to buy your own Drew Stanton jersey and a game-used crutch to complete the ensemble. And if TOSU scores a late touchdown to reduce the final margin of victory to 28, at least you'll have broken even and had a great time watching the game.

Wow, that was multiple paragraphs, like, multiple times! Don't expect this kind of production out of me every week. If there was a fantasy blogging league I'd obviously have a little orange flag next to my name right now but the fantasy analysis on my player page would recommend keeping me on the bench in all but the deepest blogger.com-only leagues.

Can it be baseball season now, please?

Can it be baseball season now, please?

This morning I found a text sent to me by a friend of mine. "
What do you think?"
"Uhhh, about what?", I thought. I figured there would be a fantasy football trade offer for me to review or something that an email would clarify.
No email from him. He done crazy.
Then a coworker walks up to the door of my 100 sqft windowless office. "So, what do you think?", he said with an excited, somewhat envious smile. Then it hit me. "Oh shit, did that deal get done?", I asked.

Twenty-four hours ago, baseball was about the last thing on my mind. When I would see front page stories on the Johan Santana speculation, I would want to clear the crap off my desk with one powerful outswing of my left arm. I don't care about whatever shitty little cute Winter meetings are going on. I get enough rampant speculation with the Michigan coaching job, thank you very much. And if I want more, I can always turn to the world's game to see what players Chelsea wants to bring in so they can become the most expensive, boring team in the history of Sports. I'd rather watch distance running on Versus than Chelsea. It's like they are managed by a corpse...



I was really tired last night from staying up watching MNF on - you guessed it! - Monday night, and I was happily watching the Red Wings destroy Montreal, so I didn't bother following the story that so many of mes amis were focused on. But this morning, when my coworker walked up to my door and asked me what I thought, I instantly became fired up about the upcoming Tigers season. Assuming that all players involved pass their physicals (on three: one, two, three, PHYSICAL!), and everyone is healthy at the start of the season, the Tigers would roll in with -

OF: Ordonez, Granderson (That's my grand dawg, out there!), Jaques Jones, and Marcus "the river" Thames
IF: Cabrera, Renteria, Polanco, Carlos Guillen, and Ivan "the decent" Rodriguez
SP: Verlander, Bonderman, Dontrelle, Robertson, and Kenny "Gutterballs" Rogers
RP: Zumaya, Rodney, Jones, Aurillio Lopez, ...

Well fuck my cock! That's a pretty good squad.

And thank goodness. Like a Shakespearean tragedy, we all know how the Lions season is going to end. The Michigan Football Wolverines are about to get fisted by that quarterback, Deebo, that they have down there in Gainesville, FL.


"What you got on my Heisman?"

Yeah, I know the Red Wings and the Pistons are damn good, but come now. Unlike in football (both the American and un-American varieties), the regular season does not matter in the NHL or the NBA. We fans of Michigan-based sports teams need something positive right now. Something to give us a nice warm fuzzy feeling - the sports news equivalent of getting a lap dance from a girl wearing a chinchilla fur thong - and this trade does just that.

Monday and Tuesday I decided to clean my desk here at the office. I sorted and filed some papers. I recycled others. Then I borrowed some Pledge from a coworker and put a nice shine up on the surface. Only my PC and components, coffee and water cups, and a couple neatly organized stacks of paper remain. With this news, I want to leave work, go to the nearest hobby/sports collectibles store, buy a roll of fake grass, some Detroit Tigers figurines, and make a miniature Comerica Park on my desk, complete with the General Motors fountain. I would then close my office door, which I normally only do when I'm exceedingly gassy, and spend the rest of the day playing with my pretend 2008 Detroit Tigers team.

Cabrera: "Hola, amigo!"
Ordonez: "Hola!"
Cabrera: "My name is Miguel. I am super excited to be here. I can hardly wait to hit some home runs and bases-clearing doubles for the loyal Tiger fans."
Ordonez: "Great to meet you, my name is Magglio. Hey, we're both from Venezuela, we both like hitting home runs and bases clearing doubles, and our first names both start with 'M'. I think we're going to get along just fine."
Cabrera: "I agree, Magglio! I wonder if the media will ever write a story about how we're both from Venezuela and are good hitters on the same team... perhaps they might even ask me if I look at you as a mentor, since I am a good young player from Venezuela and you are an experienced good player from Venezuela..."
Guillen: "Hey! What about me?"
Ordonez: "Hahaha!"
Cabrera: "HAAAHAA!"
Guillen: "ha ha ha!"

Then I would answer some emails and return to playing with the new team...

Granderson: "Oh, hello good sir!"
Willis: "Hi! I can't wait to begin playing baseball with you fine fellows!"
Granderson: "Oh my, you are so well spoken! What is your name, teammate?"
Willis: "As are you, pally! My name is Dontrelle. What, may I ask, is your name, friend?"
Granderson: "My name is Curtis. It's great to meet you Dontrelle. You know what the media here in Detroit - and around the whole country in fact - would just eat up like a fresh batch of snicker doodles?"
Willis: "What would that be, Curtis?"
Granderson: "If the two of us - the most likable young African-American players in the majors became best friends."
Willis: "I do believe you are right, Curtis. We will be on all of the commercials together. Our likability will overshadow the wacko African-American players on this team...cough, cough, Gary Sheffield, cough..."
Sheffield: "Hey, I heard that!"
Willis: "Hahaha!"
Sheffield: "Ha ha ha!"
Granderson: "hahaha!"