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Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Paulson unveils "Patriotic Reacharound" for gamblers hardest hit by Super Bowl

At a press conference Wednesday morning, United States Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson introduced a plan to provide relief for gamblers who bet more than they could afford to lose on the New England Patriots and/or the over in the Super Bowl this past Sunday. The Patriots, who entered the game with an 18-0 record which included the sixteen game regular season and the two playoff games, were defeated 17-14 by the New York Giants. New England was favored by twelve points. There was also far less scoring than many anticipated, as the thirty-one total points fell well short of the fifty-four point over/under. One gambler walking from Caesar's Palace to the Super 8 motel in Las Vegas was among the hardest hit. "It's like Hurricane Katrina, but instead of New Orleans, me. And other people who bet on the over too, I guess, although I doubt anyone went as heavy on it as I did."

"The American sports betting public was misled about the ability of the Patriots to score touchdowns at will against any opponent, especially from the inferior NFC. It is the duty of the United States federal government to respond to this tremendous bedshitting which has left millions of gamblers - American gamblers - unable to make their monthly minimum credit card and subprime mortgage payments. And respond we will."

Paulson then moved on to outline the relief package to prevent the sports gambling industry from sliding towards the recession that many analysts predicted following the Super Bowl. "I propose a relief package which will be the product of extensive cooperation between the federal government, off-shore gaming websites, Las Vegas based casinos, and local bookies. My plan would offer gamblers who had bet the over or on the Patriots to cover or win outright a chance to win back some of that sweet cash. Each loser would receive a "free" credit to their account."

Paulson explained the seasonal aspect of sports betting. "It's normal for wagers to be way down in the weeks following the Super Bowl. The betting public generally favors football betting to wagers involving other sports, such as basketball. There is typically a steep drop after the Super Bowl, followed by a gradual increase as March Madness nears. This stimulus package will offer hard-luck losers a chance to make some of that money back while switching their mindset from football to basketball betting as quickly as those old Loyola Marymount teams would get the ball up the floor. We want that alimony payment to be a slam dunk for everyone who lost on the big game."

The credits would not come without a number of key restrictions. "The 'free' credit to the degenerates' accounts will require them to bet solely on college basketball." This will not only be a boost to the gaming industry, but for the television networks that broadcast the games. "Look, we all know those kids are playing their hearts out, and that's great. But for chrissakes, without any money on the line or your school playing, the shit's just plain unwatchable. Period. This plan will make everyone happy who profits from the hard work of the students playing the games."

The funding for the proposal - dubbed "The Patriotic Reacharound" - would be as follows: First, all of the scumbags losing more than 2% of their gross adjusted income would receive a credit to their gaming accounts in the amount of the losing bet on the Patriots or the over. This amount would then have to be wagered 2.5 times on college basketball events with payout of at least 1:2 before being eligible for a withdrawal. The federal government would pay for half the initial credit in each account, with the bookies/casinos absorbing any other costs to be paid out.

Market reactions were generally positive. Self described sports expert "Jimmy D" already had a plan for the Patriotic Reacharound. "I've got an amazing parlay already picked out. It's a lock! This is the greatest day of my life! Excuse me, I have to go email my bet to all my friends." A bookie who identified himself as "Friendly Freddie" was just as excited. "I love it! Hell, I'll join the charity by offering half off juice on all teasers this weekend. The junkies'll love that, because teasers NEVER lose, right? Hahaaahaa! You know what I'm talkin' 'bout, am I right?! Hahaha! Some stimulus package. It's ironical because with all the whores I'll be gettin' with my federal credits from all these suckers, it's really gonna stimulate my package, am I right? Hahahaha, yeah you know what I'm talkin' bout."

Not everyone, however, was as excited. A gambler who did not identify himself lifted up his shirt to show a poorly stitched up wound. "This ain't gonna bring back my kidney."

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  • At 4:25 PM, Blogger -cn said…

    LoPan thinks that for those utilizing these funds for over/under bets there should be an amedment requiring use of the Magic 8 Ball for approval.

  • At 9:45 PM, Blogger The Battleship said…

    Makes as much sense as flood insurance. Its about time the government devised a bailout targeting a demographic I belong to.


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