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Friday, November 03, 2006

"Public Necessity of the Extreme Sort"

I hate the Lions. The Lions are like a friend that asks out your ex-girlfriend a week after she dumps you. The Lions are like the guy who opens up the busted bathroom door while you're taking a crap in the crowded mens room at halftime and yells out some inappropriate joke to get a laugh out of everyone. The Lions are like an abusive trainer at Sea World that clubs the baby seals and dolphins that have to keep going back to him for food even though they hate him more than anything else in the world. The Lions are like an unwanted erection you can't hide.

I love football though. College, the NFL, CFL, whatever. I'll watch it. Michigan Football is the glue that holds all good human beings together, but it's all good, dawg. I'd rather watch the MAC championship than a world series game (except when the Tigers are involved and Kenny Rogers is pitching). And the NFL Vegas...doesn't get better. Around late February every year I get serious withdrawal. This usually leads me to putting out a 5-team money line NBA parlay.

In high school I had a bumper sticker on my Ford Ranger (I'm a Ford truck man. That's all I driiiiive. I ain't got no boundaries. I don't compromiiiiise....) that read "I love my country but hate my government". Funny, I guess if I had a car now I'd have a bumper sticker that reads "I work for the government. Go fuck yourself."

I love football + I am from Michigan = I am a Lions fan => I hate the Lions

But really, I don't hate the Lions. I just hate everything about them. If everything about them were different it could be a team I would really love to root for. For this to happen, The Ford family needs to be exorcized from the body it is haunting and that body is the entire football loving Michigan population. The Ford family is like syphilis. Ignore it or don't treat it and it will kill you. You think you've hit rock bottom as a Lions fan? Think that there's nowhere to go but up? HAHAHAHAHA! In Office Space, Peter Gibbons tells the shrink that every day is worse than the one prior to it, so that every day is the worst day of his life. This is what being a Lions fan is like. The best week of the year is always the week of the year, because it's the only week where you don't feel worse. But what about the few wins they do get? Well, good point, but the loss following the win more than brings you back down below you were before. Just remember how shitty you felt after we lost to the Jets this year.

County of Wayne v Hathcock (471 Mich 445)

In 2004 the Michigan Supreme Court, led by almighty Chief Justice Clifford Taylor, concluded that the transfer of condemned property is a "public use" if it possesses one of the three following characteristics:

• A “public necessity of the extreme sort” is involved and addresses a specific need: “enterprises
generating public benefits whose very existence depends on the use of land that can be
assembled only by the coordination central government alone is capable of achieving”, e.g.,
highways, railroads, and other instrumentalities of commerce.

• The acquiring private entity “remains accountable to the public in its use of that property”, and the land “…`will be devoted to the use of the public, independent of the will of the corporation taking it.’”

• The land to be condemned “…must be selected on the basis of ‘facts of independent public
significance,’ meaning that the underlying purposes for resorting to condemnation, rather than
the subsequent use of condemned land, must satisfy the Constitution’s public use

It's time for Lions fans to unite for the purpose of taking over the team from the Fords. We can seize the team using this State Supreme court guidence. Removing the inner shittyness, or as my friend Dave would say, "the Fontes", from the Lions is certainly a "public necessity of the extreme sort"--We football fans need something that doesn't suck at least as much as a pothole-free I-94. What's more bumpy, Telegraph or the feeling you get when Shawn Bryson gets tackled for a 3 yard loss? I'm sure the good people of Michigan would happily drive on dirt if it would somehow help the Lions. If the Lions fans of Michigan take the team over it will automatically "remain accountable to the public in its use of that property". Proof of the third is left to you as an execise. And... QED

Oh, but we only need to show ONE of the three, so we're sure to be golden.

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  • At 1:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Awful Chief from DC. Is that a swipe at Joe Gibbs?

    Being a Lions fan on Sunday is like being really hungover and having to go to the bathroom. You fight the urge to get up for as long as possible, but at some point you can't put it off any longer. When you finally get to the bathroom your head is spinning and you end up vomiting in the sink. Which is how I feel every time I watch the Lions. If only those Sundays Are For Bowling commercials were more persuasive.

    I like your reference to Office Space and how every game you watch is the worst game you've ever watched. I'd take it one step further and make the observation that every season since Barry Sanders retired has been the worst season ever.

    I wouldn't mind seeing the state takeover the Lions, but if that doesn't work I'd settle for contraction.

  • At 5:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The Lions Win! The Lions Win!!


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