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Monday, February 12, 2007

**note- this post is in response to a series of NASCAR-related posts that the other contributors have decided to undertake. I was not consulted. The first pro-NASCAR entry appears below this post.


As the sole member of checkoutmyhemi with any dignity left, I feel it is my duty to stand up for our readers with IQs over 75 before this goes any further.

When did it become acceptable for well-educated northerners to be NASCAR fans? Has our country become so stupid that our intellectual elite is entertained by the same things that were previously the exclusive domain of the mentally challenged?

Fast-moving bright colors, loud noises, and big crashes are why Down's Syndrome patients love to go bowling. They also seem to be the main appeal in NASCAR.

'Look mommy! Car go fast!'

Nothing makes me madder than to find one of my friends unable to turn away from a TV with cars driving in a circle. Is it the awesome paint jobs? Is it the number on the side? What makes them so interested in an everyday event? A couple of these guys bitch about having to drive everyday to get to their cubicles. Aren't they just emulating their heroes?

Historically, NASCAR has been a southern, working-class 'sport'. The strangest thing about these half-wits is their devotion to a sport in which the sole necessities to succeed are as follows: 1)money, 2) a will to make it happen, 3)a set of false teeth. These are not the best drivers in the world. Any truly talented driver ends up in Formula One (where both left and right turns are required) and bangs Italian broads. Only the assholes who have enough money to keep buying new and better cars, and who possess a will to drive in a circle for their entire lives, end up in NASCAR. Nothing else explains the prevalence of so many familial ties in the sport. (Anyone attempting to attribute this trend to a genetic predilection toward driving should prepare for a myriad of scientific evidence to contradict such a claim)

In order to get to the highest level of NASCAR, you need to perform in some lower level of racing in a circle. These lower levels do not have the same amount of money flowing from sponsors. Therefore, the more money that the driver can devote, the higher his chances for success.

But trouble is on the horizon for the old-school NASCAR base (read: sub-mental racists). This year, Toyota will become the first foreign automaker to throw it's hat in the NASCAR ring. As has been proven in every other venue, the US automakers just don't got the same chops. How long will Billy Joe from Alabama stand for those 'rice-eaters' taking home Nextel Cup trophies? What happens when those filthy Krauts finally want a go at it? NASCAR's reign as the American form of auto racing is in jeopardy.

Those of us left that can still read at a 4th grade level can only hope that NASCAR's popularity is at it's peak right now. I can't take much more of this shit. Perhaps, that leads us to the reason that the other contributors to checkoutmyhemi have fallen victim to the 'simple' charms of NASCAR.

NASCAR is everywhere you look these days. Even I can tell you the number and car color of some of the bigger NASCAR stars. Recent studies have shown that people exhibit significantly decreased brain activity when viewing commercials for familiar products. Essentially you are dumber while watching these commercials. Perhaps my friends, frequent viewers of Sportscenter, etc., fell victim to a similar trend. Repeated viewing of Dale Earnhart's red #3 led to a period of decreased brain activity during which they finally succumbed to the flashy colors. Now they are NASCAR fans with no apology.

For those of you who have not yet succumbed, I beg you. Please turn off any NASCAR imagery the moment you see it. Prevent it from scrubbing your brain clean, thus opening the door to you becoming a NASCAR fan. Just because the rest of the world thinks we are all ignorant rednecks, doesn't mean we have to be. KEEP HOPE ALIVE!

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  • At 10:08 PM, Blogger Corduroy Dream said…

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • At 10:09 PM, Blogger Corduroy Dream said…

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • At 10:10 PM, Blogger Corduroy Dream said…

    being a gearhead years back, racing has long intrigued me not just from a driving perspective, but from an engineering one as well. NASCAR fails miserably to satisfy even this part of the equation. these are heavy, ponderous machines. and because of their huge suspension offsets that enable them to turn left real, real good, they can barely drive in a straight line let alone make a right turn.

    maybe you guys would like to watch harleys race in a circle b/c they're poor performing american machines too, but i much prefer something that can stop and turn.


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