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Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Super Bowl Diary

As a tribute to the great and powerful Bill Simmons, I decided to do a running diary during the Super Bowl.

A few things:

1- This is the last running diary you will ever see from me. It is a real pain in the ass to try and write down everything you are thinking during an event. Simmons must be a real jackass to hang out with. The other option is a tape recorder, but that requires reliving the experience. If that experience is Peyton Manning winning the Super Bowl, I never want to think about it again.
2- I watched the game at Arnie ‘the Beekeeper’ Solomon’s place, which has recently had a facilities upgrade to HD.
3- Our friends Brad and Chris were also in attendance. 4 Lions fans in the same room. For the Super Bowl. Your sympathy is appreciated.
4- My gambling funds were wagered as follows:
Bears money line +210;
Parlay- Bears money line +210 and under 47;
Bernard Berrian scores first TD @ 10-1;
Additionally, my particular gambling site offers a free $10 bet every week, for the super bowl they offer 2 $10 and 1 $25 free bets:
$10- Coin toss- Tails
$10- Bears receive opening kickoff
$25- Peyton -2.5 pass attempts vs. the Sex Cannon
5- I have transcribed the following as it was written during the game. Medical-related duties (and penis-related duties) have prevented me from posting it sooner.

On to the diary:

5:56- While watching a bunch of Frenchies flip around on trapezes may have an appeal to some Super Bowl viewers, I am not one of them. Our pregame consisted of a viewing of ‘The God’s Must Be Crazy’. An underrated movie if you haven’t seen it. Both Solomon's and my parents had it on Betamax. I miss Beta.

6:09- Cracked my first beer as CBS is running a Colts’ montage. Direct Payton quote ‘This really is the last game of the season.’ Thanks buddy. Great insight. Don’t forget Peyton, you can still put up stats in the Pro Bowl. I know they don’t count, but they’re stats, Peyton. Stats!

- The Colts come out to ‘We Won’t Get Fooled Again’ by the Who. The 250 hillbillies who could afford a flight to Miami and a ticket love it.

6:11- The Bears come out to an unnamable hip-hop song. I see. Chicago has blacks, thus hip hop. Indy- no blacks= classic rock.

6:12- Yikes! Jim Nantz and Phil Simms. I never thought I would say this but give me Joe Buck and Aikman any day. It’s a sad state of affairs.

6:17- Billy Joel!! I hate America.

6:20- Coin toss!! Finally some action. Wait a minute, where’s Tom Brady? God I miss him.

6:24- Well it was heads, but the Bears get the ball. I’m up $10.

6:27- Kickoff. Oh shit, he’s gone. TD-Devin Hester. Goddam it. The whole reason I clicked on the ‘first TD’ gambling link was to put it on Hester @ 15-1. I talked myself into Berrian instead. I shouldn’t be allowed to gamble.

6:31- Bears D introduces themselves. I feel better about my inability to pronounce Adewale Ogunleye. Apparently he can’t either.

6:33- Peyton has thrown 2 passes that should have been picked. The line has 2 false starts. Classic big-game Peyton.

6:34- Peyton floats up a duck on 3rd down that is picked. Pey-ton! Pey-ton!

6:35- First call from Neil, a huge Bears fan. He is already intoxicated, which is a good sign for things to come. He calls Peyton a ‘salt-licker’, his term-du–jour for the mentally handicapped.

6:38- On 3rd and 4 Grossman chucks up a prayer that takes 5 seconds to come down and bounces off the safety’s head. I hope that’s not a sign of things to come. We have a real offensive battle brewing here folks.

6:39- My first chuckle at a commercial comes with the beard-combover. As a man who enjoys unusual facial hair (In the past, I have sported the ‘mustache connected to sideburns’ and the ‘inverse goatee’- shaving out the goatee while leaving everything else, including neck beard) I must say I approve.

6:41- The Colts’ cheerleaders look like they’ve had some rough lives.

6:43- Nantz has taken Peyton’s cock out of his mouth long enough to try and make an excuse for him. He injured his thumb. Wait, it was a bent-back fingernail? That Peyton is a true champion. Sticking it out with an injured thumb-nail? Makes me think of Isiah vs. the Lakers on one leg, or Jordan’s flu game. A real champion.

6:46- Peyton hits a wide open Reggie Wayne for a TD, but a botched snap on the XP leaves the Bears in the lead. It also delights those (including Arnie) who had the Bears +7.

6:49- 2nd call from Neil. He notes that Phil Simms can’t even stammer out a complete sentence. I tried to write down what Simms said, but suffered a mild stroke in the process.

6:50- Bears fumble kickoff. They are in big trouble. Colts have worked out their offensive jitters, Bears haven’t.

6:51-Botched handoff by the Colts gives it right back. Phew! The game may have just been saved. A valiant effort by Peyton to point at the ball as it bounced in front of him. You can’t risk injury on a play like that. I don’t care if it’s the super bowl.

6:55- Opened beer #3. Bears TD- Grossman to former-Spartan, Mushin Muhammed. Actually a decent read and throw by Grossman. Maybe he has shaken the jitters as well.

6:57- Simms said at the open 'the rain wouldn’t be a factor', so far 2 fumbles and a dropped snap on a PAT. Glad to have you aboard, Phil.

6:58- My #1 pet peeve while watching football: commercial-kickoff-commercial

7:05- Another fumble by the Bears. At least Grossman tried to recover it. See that Peyton?

7:08- Nantz and Simms want the Colts to go for it on 4th and 4. In the first quarter.

7:10- Simms stammers out another incoherent ‘sentence’. This leads to a discussion of how bad Matt Millen was as an announcer. How can someone who can’t even call the game well be a good GM? Go Lions!

7:14- The thought of Matt Millen requires more bad pot. Did I forget to mention we are smoking bad pot? That’s strange.

7:16- Coke’s ‘Grand Theft’ Auto’ commercial looks pretty sweet in HD. If it weren’t for that god-awful song…

7:20- Stealing a play from Lloyd Carr’s playbook, the Colts run the stretch play to the short side. Always good for -3 to 1 yd. Speaking of Lloyd, I heard Michigan lost a couple of mid-level recruits because of rumors this is Lloyd’s last year. Dare to dream.

7:27- Peyton starts yelling at everyone around him after the Colts settle for a FG. What a leader.

7:28- Now Peyton is yelling of the Offensive Coordinator. Don’t you call all the plays at the line, Peyton?

7:32- The Beekeeper starts saying things like ‘Bears money line looks good’. I feel I must warn you. Solomon is a jinx. If you take nothing else away from this post, know this: Do not follow his gambling advice under any circumstances. I beg you. In fact, a good tactic is to look at his picks and do the opposite. He is like Coffee-Cake in ‘A Bronx Tale’. I don’t want his money touching my money. Put him in the goddam bathroom.

7:35- Dominic Rhodes scores to make it 16-14. Feels like the Bears D has been on the field the whole game. Oh, they have. Grossman needs some offensive right now or the Bears are in big trouble.

7:36- A GM commercial that shows an out-of-work robot. Even the robots can’t get work. Man, the economy sucks in Michigan. If I was a laid-off GM autoworker, I would have just broken the TV. ‘Fuck you, that’s the robot that took MY job!’

7:42- Bears run on 3rd and 4. Great play call when your D needs rest. Might be the play of the game right there. If Peyton drives them for a TD here, the Bears are DONE.

7:47- 2 min warning. Bears D is gassed. More bad pot. Beer #5.

7:49- CBS producers, sensing the Colts about to take control, convince #81 to drop the ball after a catch. Bears recover. Maybe they have some life yet.

7:50- Never mind. Grossman gives it right back, letting the snap go right through his hands.

7:53- Nice tackle by Urlacher makes Colts settle for FGA. The Colts bungle the clock and end up calling a TO to ice Vinateri.

7:55- CBS producers (through Lovie Smith) call TO to ice Vinateri again.

7:56- He missed it! What is worse, getting iced by your own team, or the other team?

7:58- Halftime. 30 total pts looks bad for the under but not awful. The Bears are still in it. And my choice of Peyton having more attempts than Grossman (-2.5) looks pretty goddam good. (Peton-26 att., Grossman- 8)

7:59- I enjoy Prince, but ‘Cliffhanger’ with Sly Stallone will be my halftime show.

8:26- 2nd half starts with the Colts getting the ball. The Bears can’t allow a TD.

8:34- The Colts are past midfield. Neil calls and wants to supply Tank Johnson with an AK. I support him.

8:36- You can’t do that, can you? The Colts have just challenged whether the Bears have too many men on the field. Well, apparently you can, AND THE COLTS ARE WRONG!! How can you challenge this and be wrong? Unbelievable. Tony Dungy should have spent less time thinking of stupid tricks like this and more time with his son.

8:40- FG by Vinateri makes it 19-14. In an earlier post I picked Bears 21-19. Hmmmm.

8:47- Grossman goes from 2nd & 1 to 4th & 23 with 2 consecutive 11 yd losses without being touched. It’s Griese time!! Meanwhile the Bears D has to go back out there.

8:52- Simms- ‘I don’t have the official numbers in front of me, but I would say this…’

8:56- Colts have to punt and our platter of Mediterranean delights has arrived. Sorry folks, time to eat.

9:07- Another terrible challenge by Dungy. Instead of 3rd and 10, now they have 3rd and 4. With no challenges left. They get the first down on a pass that gains more than 10 yards. Great job. Black or White (and I’m not convinced one way or the other) Tony Dungy is an idiot.

9:14- Beer #7. Neil again. Bitching about Bears needing to call TO to get the right package in after the end-of-quarter and a false start. He’s right, but the Bears D is on life support.

9:17- Peyton hangs Harrison out to dry and bitches when he doesn’t come up with the circus catch. What class! Text from Neil: ‘Almost Krumried’

9:20- Why not Griese?

9:21- The worst pass in super bowl history by Grossman. TD-Colts. It’s 29-17. The Bears are done. Peyton is going to win his super bowl. I’m sick to my stomach. FUCK! Beer #8. More bad pot.

9:28- Down 12, 11 min left. The Bears run student body left. UGH.

9:30- Grossman throws up the 5th worst pass in super bowl history. INT. Speculation begins on when Grossman will don his Lions uniform for the first time. We can see Millen thinking: ‘He’s a Super Bowl QB. He’s been there.’

9:44- I can’t wait for my first gruesome injury in super-slo-mo.

9:47- MVP speculation begins. I say Rhodes. At least 100 yds and a TD. Please, anyone but Peyton.

9:58- Game over. Peyton wins the super bowl. Let’s never speak of this again.



  • At 11:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    What about the "don't be a faggot" commercial from Snickers? Don't the people at Mars, Inc. know that the gays love chocolate covered nuts as much as their straight-oppressor counterparts?

    Fucking fools.

  • At 5:35 PM, Blogger Corduroy Dream said…

    well done, Dr. don't blame you for never taking on this assignment again -- sounds exhausting.

    my apologies to you all who had no stake in this yet had to watch. while there were "big plays," 3/4 of them were just plain bad football. and i apologize on the behalf of my bears players for letting peyton off the hook. where do we turn now? poor dumb rexy will have to shoulder that load now too.

    (please make a comeback ryan leaf.)

    btw, salt-licker is the term for a horseface. normally this would be applied to some poor girl at a bar or party, about whom i'm talking much too loudly. clearly, it applies here as well. the similar term du jour for the mentally hilarious is "window licker," as in the window on the bus.

    oh, and glaad had that snickers commercial pulled. impressive power by them there gay-types.

  • At 2:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I don't think anyone was a fan of that snickers commercial. I don't care how open-minded/progressive/liberal or whatever you are, there isn't a straight guy out there who didn't cringe when those guys' lips came together, and then again when they ripped off a section of their chest hair.

    By the way, taking betting advice from the Beekeeper is a bad idea, but him taking your advice can screw up your bet as well. On several occasions I've told him about games that I considered sure things. Inevitably, those sure things that he bet on turned out to be disastrous while the ones he didn't bet on went as planned. Two classic examples:

    When Hurricaine Isabelle came through Virginia a few years ago, Virginia Tech was scheduled to play a Thursday night football game. The over/under for the game was something like 51. I assumed that because of all the wind and rain that the scoring would be low. I relayed this information to the Beekeeper and we both went pretty heavy on the under. If I recall correctly both teams scored more than 30 points.

    Many people may not remember this but John Navarre, holder of many of Michigan's all-time passing records, once started in a game for the Cardinals. Anyone who followed Navarre at Michigan knows that he was at best only a good college quarterback and that he struggled on the road. Because of Tom Brady and at the time Brian Griese, everyone overrated him because of the fact that he'd attended Michigan. That is the only reason I can think of that the line was only +3 for Arizona. Well, that and the fact that the game was being played in Detroit. Generally it is a cardinal sin among Lions fans (and really gamblers in general) to bet money on the Lions for reasons that have been discussed at length on this fine blog. However, in my mind the Navarre factor overruled everything and I went heavy on the Lions, although I went money line just to be safe. The Beekeeper went along with conventional wisdom and didn't bet any money on the game and the Lions ended up winning. Actually, I'm pretty sure they covered as well.

    The moral of this story is that if you like winning money, don't discuss your bets with the Beekeeper. Although I should add that in my experience he is usually a positive influence at the blackjack table.

    The Battleship


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