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Thursday, February 08, 2007

Aborted: Soccer Match Recap

I just deleted a few paragraphs on how the USA beat Mexico again last night 2-0, further solidifying their place as our bitch. Shitty analogy: In Fast Times at Ridgemont High, winning in soccer is Stacey Hamilton, Mexico is Mark Ratner, and the USA is Mike Damone. As I said, it's pretty shitty, but I just watched that movie recently, and I wanted to continue Doctor Blackstone's effort of offering up a little something to The great and powerful One, Bill Simmons, almighty God of pop culture references in sports writing.

I know you don't give a shit about the game. As much as I would like to write about this match, I know that I will lose you. My precious...

Instead, I give you some general statements about soccer in the USA and why trashy women are the only hope for the sport's growth.

In US & A, boys and girls generally play in some kind of soccer league during the elementary school years, hence 'soccer moms'. Why?
- inexpensive and easy to find a league for kid to play in
- good exercise. tires kid out so he or she won't run around as much at home
- teaches kid at early age that fat people are worthless

Around middle school, if not before, the kid must decide to play either soccer or football. In early middle school the kid, if he is really good at soccer, may stick with it for a while. By high school, however, the kid undoubtedly has become determined to stick his hoo-ha into a girl's whee-hoo as soon as possible. By any means necessary. Performing this act suddenly has become the motivation behind every single activity for the poor boy. The only other motivating factor close to this is fear of abandonment by friends.

Good grades at school?
Will help the kid some day make lots of money, and money, the boy sees on television, makes it a lock for chicks to want him to put his hoo-ha into their whee-hoos

Volunteering after school?
Chance to be around lots of girls. Improves chances of scoring when they know who you are. These poor saps are too young to know that being a nice good person doesn't at all make girls want you the way you want them to.

Hanging out at the mall?
Lots of girls in malls. Boy conjectures that girls who see him in or near stores in mall that the girls may associate with desirable men will want his awkward ass as well

Playing in a band?
There is a reason why, at around age 13, millions of boys decide that they want to play in a rock band or rap. Fender and Gibson owe ALL of their success to groupies and trashy girls with lots of hairspray featured in 80's MTV videos.

Every boy recognizes the association of football with sex at an early age. Hot wives/gf's are part of this, but it is mostly the cheerleaders. Any football team worth a damn has cheerleaders. Note: Lions, Bears, and Browns do not have cheerleaders. It doesn't matter what age group we're talking about. There is not a single heterosexual male in the United States of America that didn't at some point want to have sex with a hot cheerleader. It didn't matter if the girl was the most detestable superficial bitch to have ever been born into your shit town. If you genuinely liked her, you wanted to fuck her. If you hated her guts, you wanted to hate-fuck her guts out. Consequently, when a boy continues to choose soccer, a sport which has no cheerleaders, it becomes confusing to the football players. "Why would anyone choose to not play football, which is the perfect forum to show the cheerleaders that i am fast and strong, properties that surely they desire in a sexual partner?" they wonder. "They must either not like girls or if they do, they think they are too weak to survive in football" they think.

In other parts of Earth, boys continue to play soccer, not just because it's fun, but because they do not see another sport that, if played, would improve their chances of getting laid as quickly as possible by the minimum caliber of girl that the boy deems satisfactory, which is the #1 goal of every male. The males that see education as more important than running around with girls are really saying that the 'caliber' that they will be satisfied with is the kind that demands intelligent conversation, comfortable housing, and ample amounts of money.

So is there any hope for massive growth in US Soccer?
I don't think so, but there is a glimmer of hope. When I was hanging out with the girls in my basement this past Summer, I asked if I could change the channel to the World Cup. At first this didn't sound like a good idea to them, but they warmed up to it quickly after acknowledging the hotness of the players. If women in their 20's and 30's look at soccer players and say to themselves "I want to fuck THAT", some of these women will be celebrities that young girls look up to. If famous actresses and pop stars are known to be fucking famous soccer players, some of the young girls will decide that part of becoming a great actress or pop star is to be fucking a soccer player. Only when the high school quarterback is down on the totem pole to the captain of the soccer team in terms of likelihood of dating the best looking girl in school will soccer really explode.

So even though David Beckham is no longer one of the best soccer players in the world, except on set pieces, his joining the LA Galaxy represents the best chance for growth of US Soccer ever. Last Summer I went to an exhibition between DC United and Real Madrid in Seattle. The lower level of the stadium was swarming with teenage girls who would scream every time Beckham got the ball. Word must have gotten to the US teenage girls from those in Europe or something that he's a real dreamboat. If this kind of thing continues when he plays in MLS next year, shit could really start happening. Boys may suddenly become experts in soccer to impress the girls who like Beckham. They may see taking a girl to a game as a good date idea, at least better than going to see a stupid romantic comedy at the movie theater.

Maybe not though.

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  • At 11:28 PM, Blogger Nick and Dan said…

    Bravo, I am a huge soccer fan, and I agree with the points that you're making. And, you did it all with the aplomb and humor that would make the great Bill Simmons proud.


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