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Thursday, March 22, 2007

A Fancy Young Man's Turn To Wet His Beak

I don't want much, just enough to wet my beak.

A few years ago around this time of year I went out drinking after work with the Battleship and my other roommate at the time to a bar in Southwest DC waterfront that is situated outside on a pier along the shore of the Potomac river. On the sidewalk along the marina we passed a family. There was a girl in this family, maybe fifteen years of age, who you could tell was going to grow up to be a beautiful woman but was too young to in good taste make any sort of comment about. "I'd draft that in a keeper league", I muttered to my roommates as we walked by the family. I got the desired reaction from them, laughter and heads shaking side to side in shame. I am not a pedophile, nor do I condone pedophilia. It's a terrible, terrible crime. So why did I make that joke? Well, child, I made that joke because my mind was busy thinking about which baseball players I would select as keepers in the upcoming fantasy baseball draft. That joke was the resultant of a chemical reaction that occurred when a visual catalyst bombarded a dirty mind busy thinking about fantasy sports.

This is the kind of thing that can happen this time of year. There's a lot going on of interest and now that I'm in a comfortable relationship with a girl that I don't despise, I'm very concerned that I'm going to fuck it up sometime this Spring by saying or doing too many stupid things or by being negligent. Hopefully activities that we both enjoy like barbecuing, drinking, and fornicating can somehow balance with things that only I enjoy, like participating in fantasy baseball, soccer, and NASCAR, playing soccer, bocce, and golf, and watching baseball, soccer, NASCAR, the NCAA tournament, and the NHL and NBA playoffs. I guess I'm going to have to make small sacrifices.

Spring rules I will try to abide by:
1) When your girlfriend is over and there isn't an extremely important sporting event being televised, DO NOT start watching the Wizards or Capitols or whatever your city's equivalent is. Don't even flip to the games unless she is in the bathroom.
2) Do provide your girlfriend with a meal, either by cooking, take-out, or going out to eat. Talk to her while eating about subjects other than sporting events.
3) Do not give false impressions about where your interest is going to be during a big game.
4) When you find yourself missing part of an important game, remember that the sporting event isn't going to have sex with you later.

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