From One Carpenter to Another

One fun thing about having some dickhead friends on the West Coast is knowing that, on a whim, you could fly out to frolic in their dry sunny climate and drink to the point of vomiting on their glass kitchen tables and leave it overnight for the cats to sample and for the smell to seep into the wood cabinetry to long outlast your stay. Also, you get to wake up to listen to incredibly drunken messages left for you. If you have really great friends out in the land of commie pinko, hippy pansy semen-surfing cock forests, you have to leave your phone on the other side of a closed bedroom door.

This first one is an example of a playful, fun message probably left in the afternoon (names -'d for non-statistical disclosure limitation):

Jon: "Hey there ----, your buddy Jon here, just calling from the streets here of San Francisco with a gentleman called Joseph -------. we're at Walgreens. He's returning a pack of cigarettes because he found a tobacco store adjacent to this particular tobacco store and, Wow! they've got an Astroglide 2 for 1, 2 in 1 pleasure massage, actually, Jesus, it's $12.99 for only 70 fluid ounces. But uh, just wanted to make sure that you don't have a flaccid Johnson, cause the last I checked it's pretty much not cool to have a limp cock"

And now for last night's gift:

Jon: "Please hold for Joe -------..."
Joe: "Mr -------, I can tell you just unwrapped your pussy because I could just see the glossiness from here. That shit was blinding. Your pussy's so bright I've gotta wear shades. Damn right. Your pussy's sooooo bright. I just put on some 30 UVB fuckin sunscreen. Your pussy's so glossy, shit it's so lubed up and moist. it's blinding. Good thing I got a base tan down at the fucking tanning salon to make way for your pussy rays."
Jon: "Yeah, Joe and I put pussyblock on because we knew that your pussy was going to come shining and we know that the elliptical pussy's going to come soon so we're kind of awaiting the glory. we really appreciate everything that you do, because we know that you recently used Summer's Eve and so that's why we know it's going to be coming bright. We just really appreciate everything that you do. I'm going to pass the horn on. can you something to ---- about his pussy? anything..."
Unknown: "I don't know, your pussy must be shit by now because it was dirty the last time i saw you. I'm not sure when that was, it's gotta be a census at least. i don't know, anyways OK..."
Nick: "pussy in a box. a swong of a loin of choicewise reefus"
Jon: "----, i just wanted to give a big shout-out to your twat. and uh, we know that you got some kinda bluff issues, but if you scrape the scabs off it's going to be fine. in fact, rumor has it that if you put some kinda flame to it you'll get the bugs out and you could just start fresh. from one man to another, i just really appreciate what you're doing. I'm going to pass the phone along now.
Joe: "----, when I've got cobwebs, you know i just dust my pussy off real quick with a swiffer. the swiffer's a beautiful invention because it dusts that pussy off real nice, gets it real glossy. when it's all moist it's ready to just jamb right in, you're all set. it's got no dust mites or nothin'. thanks for the swiffer. i might call it a pusswiffer."
Jon: "now ----, you got a mahogany stained pussy and so, if you've got pledge, and you put ample amount of pledge on a rag, you'll get anything out. i mean, from one carpenter to another, you just apply the pledge, a little summer's eve, a little pledge, and you just wipe out all those webs. i mean we just want to appreciate what you're doing because you're just representing the east coast and 'W' and all those great things that we love as a nation. all of us on the west coast appreciate what you're doing here for the nation there on the east coast. so just wanted to extend our thanks, memorial day, you know, we really appreciate everything you know. a lotta great things: Iraqi children dying, and you basically. kinda hand-in-hand, you know, you and the death of many people, so thank you! have a good one."