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Thursday, May 17, 2007

The Bar Is Too High


As a former pharmacy cashier, I have rung up my fair share of personal items. I lived for the sales of family planning products to hot girls. "Condoms......NICE", I would think. "I'll bet she thinks of me smoothly putting the box in the small paper bag and folding over the top during intercourse." Another fun device to sell was the E.P.T. pregnancy test kit. "Oooh, I guess we got a little too caught up in the moment last weekend, didn't we? Well, good luck to you! Bring your receipt back for 15% off the morning after pill if it turns out that you've got a 'little Henry' to take care of!" Feminine hygiene products didn't really do anything for me. I'm not sure why. I guess I'm just not normal. Ipecac syrup? I just wanted to give those girls a hug and whisper "You don't look too fat for me, baby" into their ears.

Since leaving the pharmacy clerk life behind, I loathed the experience of purchasing of condoms and other embarrassing personal items until recently. "Oh shit, no. NO! Look at this fool! What the fuck do you think you're going to do with those, motherfucker? I KNOW they're not for your sorry ass. Why are you wasting $10 on something that is going to just sit in your sock drawer collecting dust until the expiration date has long passed?", or "What's the matter, dude? You afraid of getting your blow-up doll pregnant?", the cashier must be thinking. I first experienced the greatness of purchasing condoms through a U-Scan at a Kroger on the West Side of Ann Arbor, MI. This, unfortunately, was also the last time I purchased condoms through a U-Scan. In Washington, DC, unlike Michigan, U-Scans are scarce if they exist at all.

One type of business that needs U-Scan technology way more than grocery stores is the 'adult bookstore'. If the average customer didn't have to face the creepy guy with the ponytail and goatee at the check-out counter, he or she would certainly have less reservation about making that experimental purchase that was always thought about but never executed. A couple of years ago I made my last pornography purchase. It took place in a little store about fifteen miles east of Winchester, VA. I felt so uneasy in there that I just grabbed a dvd with attractive girls on the cover and brought it to the front without paying attention to the title or reading the synopsis. I was a bit weirded out to discover that I had purchased a dvd intended for men with a foot fetish. It features extended shots of feet, toe sucking incorporated into the other action, and other strange scenes that don't do anything for me like drawn out sock removals.
[start digression] What the hell purpose do toenails serve? I understand why we have fingernails. They are useful for getting our hands into crevices for dislodging one thing from another, scratch-off lottery tickets, and scratching genitalia. If you know of one reason why we have toenails, please let me know. Maybe Dr. Blackstone knows. I believe that toenails on humans are nothing more than support for the theory that we evolved from monkeys. [end digression]
Maybe they have a U-Scan at the Adult Superstore on I-75.



Lately though, I stopped caring at all about the purchase of these products. What is more concerning is their cost. Yesterday I was at a CVS close to work and decided to buy some condoms. I went with the 'economy size' 36 pack. As much as I like to take it 'one game at a time' and just focus on making plays, i couldn't pass up this economy size box. I wonder if Sam's Club or Costco sells an even larger box, intended for large fraternities, massage parlors, or the Caligula Club...

Speaking of high expectations, the Detroit Lions are at it again this Summer with the big talk about how there's a new attitude and an elevated bar. Tomorrow we will highlight some of this bullshit that, if believed, can lead a Lions fan to doing something as foolhardy as betting someone that they will have a winning record in the upcoming season.

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1 Comments:

  • At 3:46 PM, Blogger Joe said…

    Gay bars, my friend. Gay bars. Somewhere in your local gay bar should be a jar of FREE condoms. Go pick one up. Hell, pick up 36.

     

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