You can take my dignity, but I'm keeping my red 747 Swingline.



In supposedly fifteen minutes the most miserable office arrangement of my pro career will be over. At the end of March, I was forced out of my one hundred square foot solo office into a temporary space down the hall with two other coworkers during phase one of the gentrification renovation to our floor. The problem was not with the two coworkers, but the de facto common area resulting from the printers, fridge, coffee maker, and microwave all being located right next to my desk. Why this sucked:

Printers
If I was a stand up comedy guy comedian, I think I could connect with all of the office workers in the audience by talking for a while about printers.
"...and so that was another close call in pull-out history, and the closer the call with the pull-out, the better the pull-out, isn't that right fellas? All right guys, give me a 'whoop-whoop!' if you like some premarital sex from time to time...yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Man, I almost seriously fucked myself there. But hey, you know what's seriously fucked? Printers. Office printers. Be. Fuckin' up!"
This past weekend I was talking to Arnie about this and found out that he has the same problem. He suggested that I, like he has, move on to a state of acceptance of my job description including "printer therapist" for all of the people who turn to the nearest human to the cause of their problems ranging from annoyance to office crisis. I never quite got to this state of inner peace that A.'t.b.'S. has achieved.

"Man, is this thing running a little slow today? I can't believe it still hasn't printed. Something must be wrong with the connection. Has anyone contacted User Services about this?"
"I don't know."

"What's wrong with it? There must be some kind of paper jam. There's a little light flashing."
"Did you read the error message?"
"Um, it says that tray two is empty. "
"Well, there you go."
"I don't know what that means."
"It means that there is no paper in tray two."
"Where's tray two? What paper do I use?"

"So hey, you getting tired of everyone talking to you while they're waiting for the printer?"
"Sometimes it makes it difficult to concentrate."
"I hear that, man. Let me put it to you like this: There was this one place I used to work, and this guy just kept coming over and talk to me, like, all day and it just drove me nuts. And the thing was, is that it's not like I was always really busy, I just didn't feel like talking to the guy, you know?"
"Uh huh."
"I mean, it was like, just give me some peace and quiet so I don't lose my friggin' mind here, man, you know?"

Coffee Maker
Everything, like everyone, has its +'s and its -'s.
+: Being able to see the coffee maker was nice for me, as I was able to fill up as soon as the percolation stopped.
-: In the peak coffee hours of the day, 8-10 AM, everyone would file into my office area for their cups. On the way to the Mr. Coffee machine, many people would vocalize their state of being. If they were tired and dragging, the last steps before alertness were accompanied with grunts of fatigue.
"Hmmnngh, hmngh-ngh-ghhhm! I'll tell you what: I am TIRED today. I need me some coffee. HMMNGH! Grunnnngggh!"
The tired bastard would proceed to take the last cup, not make the next pot, and leave Mr. Coffee on.

Microwave
Starting at around 11AM every day, dickheads would begin heating their retched frozen entrees or leftovers in the microwave located at my 3 O'clock about 8 feet away from my nose which unfortunately took it all in. Some had the nerve to heat frozen sea creatures, ignoring the fact that we would have to smell the residuals of it all afternoon. And did the hungry bastards go back to their offices to wait for the cooking or go take a crap or something? Hell no. Why do that when you can stand there and shoot the breeze with me? It got to the point where I would just leave for 1.5 hours and go work out at the gym to escape it. I guess I have that little microwave to thank for my powerful physique. Thank you General Electric and Michelina's!

Refrigerator
This wasn't as bad as the other appliances mentioned above, but it still meant more times that I had to minimize the window on whatever time wasting internet based document I was viewing when fools would put in or take out foodstuffs from the mini-fridge.

OK, so the move is complete. I have been relocated to my second temporary office down in the basement of this massive building. Hopefully my boss won't come down with a big can of roach repellent spray and mouse traps.