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Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Sixteen year restoration of 'Roar' complete, scheduled for first public appearance August 9th.

I spent this past weekend being a raging alcoholic in Wisconsin with thirteen of my closest problem drinker friends, so I missed out on the Jon Kitna statements until Monday.
"I'll keep to myself what I think we actually will win. But it's more than 10 games."
-Jon Kitna, starting quarterback, Detroit Lions
Wow, that means that the Lions are going to win 11 or more games. This was quite a shock for me, and it must have been for Big Al, who mistook this great Lions team for a bunch of losers. That is just dandy, going from 3-13 to 11-5, and it's kind of funny because before this statement was made I actually thought that they would probably go 5-11, with 7-9 the best to hope for. The only suspense now is in finding out which five or fewer games they will lose. Here are the strongest candidates:

Week 1: @ Oakland
It's probably too much to ask for even a great team like the Lions to go out to the West Coast and come back with a win in the opening game. The proud Raider Nation will surely be fired up to open up against a team that everyone now knows will win at least eleven games.

Week 3: @ Philadelphia
The Lions will lose this football game, or I will lose the deed to my home.

Last year the Bears made it to the Super Bowl and they look to be a tough team again this year. Even a great offense like the Lions have could struggle against the Bears stout, opportunistic defense. Out of the five losses, one will probably occur at home. This will probably be that one.

Week 5: @ Washington
The Redskins have a history of fucking the Lions. They lost to them in the 1991 Conference championship the week after their lone win in the playoffs since 1957. The last appearance by the Lions in the playoffs occurred in 1999, which was also a loss to the Skins. The Redskins are probably not going to be great this year, so the Lions should handle them. Unfortunately, as DC residents, the Battleship and I will be in attendance so it will probably be a loss.

Week 8: @ Chicago
Midwest bearfest may be in Indianapolis this year, but the real party is going to happen when the Bears win this game. It will be easy for Lions fans to start to wonder if this is really an 11-5 team after this one, but they must be strong and have faith in the assurance of Jonnycakes. I yelled at my friend Anthony this Saturday morning when he brought three cases of PBR to the check-out counter right after we bought a keg when we only had 14 people drinking, five of which were female, but he told me that the beer was on the list and we had to stick to the list. By 10PM Saturday night, the keg was kicked. By noon on Sunday we were out of beer entirely.

Week 9: DENVER
The first win by an AFL team over an NFL team happened on August 5th, 1967 in Denver, Colorado. Against the Detroit Lions.
Alex Karras (aka Mongo) said he would walk home to Detroit if his Lions lost to the Broncos.

On the Bus following the game, Roger Brown, the Lions defensive tackle moaned, "the Denver didn't happen!"
It did happen. in the infirmary. on my shoes. and it's probably going to happen again this year.

Week 11: GIANTS
Plaxico Burress will return to the great state of Michigan and will lead his Giants over the Detroit football Lions.

Week 14: DALLAS
Classic revenge game, baby! The Lions, who are far more comfortable being the team seeking revenge than vice versa, will probably lose this game.

Week 15: @ San Diego
When is it OK to bet the farm on a Lions game? This week. 'L' is for Lions.

Week 16: Kansas City
Not sure who's quarterbacking them, but they still have LJ, who will run roughshod over the Lions defense, who will be missing Shawn Rogers after being jailed for breaking into a stripper's childhood home to inappropriately touch her parents, while carrying a thankfully holstered handgun.

Week 17: @ Green Bay
Last time the Lions won at Lambeau? 1991. The Lions have not won there in the Brett Favre era. Brett Favre, dear reader, is an old bastard. If the Lions are 11-4 going into that game, be prepared for them to finish the season 11-5.

So there you have it, Lions fan. The games listed above are eleven probable losses for your 11-5 2007 Detroit Lions. Antik must be dyslexic.

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