Friday Foibles

Friday Foibles

Over the years, I have proven to be vice-prone. Somehow, I have managed to put much of it behind me, and have come out of it clean as a whistle. Like a fucking show dog, I have fucking papers to prove it. I will share some of these adventures occasionally.

A black Honda Civic came into view and I stood up from the concrete bench. Tall ashtrays stood proudly on each side of it. Better have two than one ashtray by any bench in that area, always. Post-flight cigarette smoking is a sacred activity. There should be signs on the way out of the door to the pick-up area from the baggage claim reading

NOW ENTERING HALLOWED GROUND.
PLEASE RESPECT THE SMOKERS.

SMOKERS, PLEASE PLACE BUTTS IN ONE OF THE EXCESSIVE NUMBER OF TALL ASHTRAY STANDS WHEN THE BEST FIVE TO SEVEN MINUTES OF YOUR DAY IS OVER.

What better way is there to enjoy the first moments of fresh air since walking into the terminal you departed from, the site of your last cigarette, than to pull out a fresh one, take a pre-lit drag to start the air flow and enjoy the pleasant bouquet of the unlit, chemically-enhanced tobacco just passed the filter. This process takes less than a second, delivers no nicotine, no satisfying airborne particles to brush your itchy lungs down with, but it lets you know that it's time. It's time to turn that little rough metal wheel touching the tiny piece of flint positioned so that the friction from the pieces moving against one another breaks down fine flecks of flint, propelling the pieces out toward the gas source at a temperature at or above the minimum level necessary to ignite the tiny controlled stream of liquified petroleum gas, escaping from its holding container by your pressed thumb pushing down on a spring-loaded lever which opens its release valve. The dried, shreaded, tastefully seasoned tobacco rolled up tightly in fine white paper warmly accepts the flame. While the tobacco and paper do not burn like the LPG does, it burns. And when burning, the airflow started before the flame from le bic was applied now rushes that rich, smooth smoke you wanted through the other end of the cigarette, through your lips, mouth, past the larynx, through the trachea, and finally coming to rest in your lungs where it belongs for a second or so before being expelled. The chemicals from the smoke are delivered to a host which has experienced stress, excitement, relief, and a lack of nicotine for a considerable amount of time, probably several times the normal cigarette-to-cigarette interval. Each of these states triggers the 'do smoke' light to go on. All of them together? It's go time. You'll never see a smoker walking as fast as they do between the jetway and passenger pick-up area.

WELCOME TO FLAVOR COUNTRY

I walked to the curb and saw that that the driver of the little black car was her, black hair pulled back into a tight pony tail. There was no expression on her face. She steered aggressively to the curb in front of me. The Civic had been purchased recently after the transmission gave out in her beloved midnight blue 3-series BMW. This transition seemed to have half-killed the girl.

The usual depressive mood that hits you like it had been delivered through the oxygen mask on the plane when you are approaching Detroit Metro Airport looking down on the white sheets of freeze covering the flat Midwestern landscape when returning from someplace warmer, more fun, just better in most every way was absent in me this time. I had realized during the trip that I had it pretty good down there, especially with her, and I wanted to start appreciating it all.

That sentiment was not mutual. The twenty-five minute ride started out cold and despite my attempts to start some pleasant conversation, it just got worse. Then it came out, in a very matter-of-fact tone.

"So your credit card bill was sitting there on the counter, and I decided to pay it."
Fuck.
"And I did, except for the $140 for the massage."
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!
"I understand you doing it, I mean with the way things have been between us for a while, but I still consider this cheating."

I apologized with everything I had, pleading for her to forgive me and giving me another chance. While we didn't break up that day, things never got fully well between us.

Bon Weekend!