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Friday, September 12, 2008


Whatchu got on my 40, homey?

I can barely take my own stench. There are men in helmets outside my apartment right now standing in and around two big holes. The men speak Spanish and have fun looking jackhammers and not fun looking shovels nearby them. There is piping around the dirt piles ready to go down in the holes and when connected to the piping in my building, water will resume flowing to my shower head when I want it to and then get a nice lather going on my greasy hair and malodorous crotch.

An hour ago I got a nice reminder of how much moving sucks when my boss dropped off a computer for me to use at home, even though I'm well enough to go to the office. She's concerned that I could get too tired at work but apparently not concerned about me carry desktop pc components up two flights of stairs. Maybe there's an unspoken message here.

Before that I got a nice workout walking to my neighborhood Whole Foods. Unlike the Doc's neighborhood, I don't have a wares peddling homeless fella in my neighborhood. Our homeless prefer to just ask directly for your money with nothing in return, except for the Street Sense guys.
"Buy Street Sense for one dollar. Help the homeless help themselves."
"No thanks, I just read it online."
On the same block on the corner sits a line of Hispanic guys sitting on crates waiting for a truck to pick them up and take them to a job site. They may be illegal, but in my book they're only guilty of wearing bad tee-shirts. Ever wonder where that Bon Jovi 1987 tour tee-shirt went after you threw it off while drunkenly running into the waves on the Jersey Shore? Cue the "solved" music from Unsolved Mysteries. Located a block away from my apartment. But these guys never ask for a cent.

If you're saying to yourself, "This is sounding a little racial.", rest assured that it's not the homeless or Hispanic that piss me off the most in my neighborhood, it's the Greenpeace assholes.
"You look like someone who cares about the environment!"
"Ha! Why is that?"
"Because everyone under the age of 95 has to care about the environment."
"Are you a member of Greenpeace?"
(attempts to convince me to become member)
"OK, great, good luck with that."
What a horrible existence. Had she been honest and said I look like I care about the environment because it was clear I had not showered, maybe I would have considered joining before purchasing plastic trash bags and petroleum based cleaning products at CVS.

If only there was a way to announce to all the neighborhood parasites how much I got taken to the cleaners in my NFL picks last week. Look at me Greenpeace asshole. I'm really dirty and poor looking. I do not have money to save the whales unless you can prevent Colts from being mauled by Bears - greatest threat to my ROI. The worst part is that even after I lost on that game, I was dumb enough to make another fucking deposit (AFD) and bet and lose on both of the Monday night games. So Doc, assuming you can be trusted to count correctly, that 6-7 is really 6-9. But since the challenge has just been presented, that 6-9 (duuuuude, 6-9!) is history. 0-0. Just like the Lions record at the high point of every season.

I accept your challenge. And let me up the ante, with this here bag of medical waste.

I kid. Don't worry, Greenpeace, I'll flush that down my toilet for the whales to play with. In honor of today being Friday, and the NFL bigness of him, I'm contributing the autographed photo of Tommy "tiny" Lister, aka Deebo at the top of this post. Just bought it on Ebay (note, no Sarah Palin ebay joke here. Doesn't mean I don't wish her to be thrown off that bridge to nowhere).

On to the sports..

Before we get to the main course, here's some red meat black and white pudding I want to throw at you:

Liverpool vs. Manchester United, 7:45AM Saturday - DRAW (3.05)

Cristiano Ronaldo, the moist-inducing Man U winger, is still out with injury. Without him they are a good side but haven't shown the ability to break down a decent opponent's defence with Carlos Tevez and the average looking Wayne Rooney up front. The addition of Demitar Berbatov should help, but it remains to be seen whether Fergie has the stones to go with a 4-3-3 in a big game like this. On the other side, Liverpool who are coming off a lackluster performance at Aston Villa in the most boring sporting event I have ever seen, of course ending 0-0. Thank goodness for the return of Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres. With them in the squad I think they should manage a 1-1 draw at Anfield. Or 2-2 or 0-0. You'll never gamble alone if you join me and go for the 2 to 1 payout on the draw.

Main course

Middle-Eastern American selections:

Raiders (+3.5) at CHIEFS
This matchup is a grand melange of quality running backs. The Raiders come with an overstuffed fatback quarterback while the Chiefs come with a not-so-fresh fish out of water in Damon Huard. I think. You'll find the Chiefs defense extremely tender.

BENGALS (-1) vs Titans
Just like the chili that the 'natti is famous for, the Bengals will make you shit your pants with all the offensive weapons. Like the flatulence you experience with this chili, you don't know whether the offense will be silent and/or deadly, but at home they should move the ball on Tennessee like a turd going down toilet bowl.

Colts (-2) at VIKINGS
The Colts, a longtime chef's special, were so bad that I wanted to send my large dish of them back to the kitchen. But I just ended up getting thrown to the rats out back in the alley. I'll take my chances and order them again before giving up on them for good.

REDSKINS (+1) vs Saints
The Redskins, like buttered red skin potatoes, are mouth watering as a home dog against a Saints team that is not to be trusted to win outside of the south. Oh wait, this is the south. Fuck it, they'll still win.

Packers (-3) at LIONS
If you order up the Lions you will end up on your knees hugging the toilet. Eyes watering not just from puking, but from feeling like a dope for having bet on them after getting destroyed by one of the worst teams in the NFL.

PANTHERS (-3) vs Bears
The Doc mistakenly had this game as in Chicago. In the ROI business a small mistake, like a small mistake operating on a human, can cost you bigtime. The Bears are not to be trusted in the south. They have too much fur to hold up in the fourth quarter. This is getting stupid.

Giants (-8.5) at RAMS
The Rams, Lions, and Dolphins should all be relegated to some other league and that league can send up their top three to take their place.

Bills (+5) at JAGUARS
The Sea-men are as bad as I thought they would be, but the Bills were still very impressive. I'll take them getting the points down in Jacksonville, which I refuse to even consider as an option because I'm too lazy to think about them and want to go shower. They wear teal. or aqua or some such shit.

Falcons (+7) at BUCCANEERS
Remember that show "Falcone" CBS was pushing during the NCAA tourney that one year? I do. And that's why you should believe me when I tell you that there is not a single team in the league Tampa should be a touchdown favorite against.

Western American and Premium Selections:

49'ers (+6.5) at SEAHAWKS
The Sea men are an awful, awful bunch. This is sure to be a bad football game, so I'll take the 49'ers just because 6.5 is a lot of points for one side to be getting in a shit on-shit-matchup.

CARDINALS (-6.5) vs Dolphins
Had Arizona not played so poorly on offense last week this would be a 10+ point spread featuring the only team in the NFC west with a win and the worst team in the league.

JETS (-1) vs Patriots
I don't trust Matt Cassell against a quality opponent. The Chiefs stink, yet the outcome of the Pats victory last week wasn't certain until about a minute left in the fourth quarter. Note: With Brady healthy, this would likely be Pats -9. In my short, terrible gambling history I have never seen one player have so much of an impact on a spread.

BRONCOS (-1) vs Chargers
Chargers are going to maybe win 8 games this year. My fantasy stud qb Jay Cutler was dominant against a good Oakland defense last week. Plus Denver gets Brandon Marshall back. It has the potential to be a decent game but Denver is better.

Steelers (-6.5) at BROWNS
No way in hell I'm losing betting on the Browns two weeks in a row.

Eagles (+6.5) at COWBOYS
This is the kind of game that's going to be good enough to just watch, but putting some green on the Eagles, like doing a bump of cocaine while driving a go-kart, will make it even better. Why eagles? Because every half-assed Redskins fan hates the Cowboys the most*.

TEXANS (-4.5) vs. Ravens
Texans will drill, drill, drill the Ravens with their Johnson. No way Joe Flacco starts out 2-0.

*I am not a Redskins fan, more of a sympathizer. Don't have to be a fan of the NFC East to hate the Cowboys.

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  • At 1:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Those Greenpeace people work hard to help your lazy ass. Don't be a dick.


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