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Tuesday, September 09, 2008


It has been quite awhile since I have contributed anything in this space. Several things have kept me from posting for the last year or whatever it has been. Chief among the reasons for my absence has been outright laziness. I enjoy partaking in what has been termed 'aggressive relaxation'. I'll be damned if I was going to let a little thing like writing for a blog get in the way of what little quality couch time I have.

My couch, a friend, a lover, and a confidant

But then I thought, 'if the Chief can take a long sabbatical, why not me?' And his so-so performance in the first week trying to pick games was the final straw. I felt it was time to throw my hat back in the ring. The Chief went a Berman-esque 6-7 last week. I thought we held ourselves to a higher standard here. A monkey throwing darts could pick the games as well. When you throw in the fact that his 'bet the farm' pick was the Colts on Sunday night, well let's just say that the hospital bills are not his only financial worry this week.

So in an effort to upgrade the caliber of this site, I am issuing a challenge to the Chief, and any other of the long missing contributors. NFL pickem challenge. Rest of the season, against the spread (Dear gamblers, this is to prevent the Chief from advising anyone to 'bet the farm' on a bet that pays 20 cents to the dollar). I offer as a prize, a brand new Drew Stanton jersey. He has never taken a snap in the NFL, automatically making him the best Lions quarterback of my lifetime. A sure collector's item.

You know you want it
First a quick Detroit report. There have been quite a few developments here in the D since I last addressed you. Our mayor has finally resigned after rampant corruption, cronyism, and hooker killing. Houses can be bought in NW Detroit for less than $500. JT, the local homeless guy who peddles his wares on my block is back on the drugs, and not nearly as nice to be around. Never has any good shit anymore, either. And just like the sun rises in the east, the Lions stink. They are terrible. I will have more on this in the future, but on to my picks...
Green Bay (-3) @ Detroit
Have I mentioned the Lions stink? They are god awful. The coaching staff is in complete denial. The GM is dumber than a sack full of hammers. The owner is a curse to the franchise and to the city of Detroit. As far as I can tell, his continued existence is only to further besmirch the Ford name as payback for Henry Ford's support of Hitler. The defense is the worst it has been in a long time. This is saying something considering it's the Lions. If you have a fantasy running back and he is playing the Lions...START HIM. I don't care if he is the goddam backup on his own team. He will get yards and probably score on the Lions. These are standing orders. Watching the Lions D last week was like watching a pack of retards try to catch a greased pig. Hilarious and sad at the same time.
Kansas City (-3.5) Vs Oakland
Uggh. Why did I start with this one? Who cares? From last weeks performance, clearly not the Raiders. KC is at home and the Raiders have no faith in Jamarcus Russell. Plus this is classic 'Damon Huard plays 3 games that get him owned in 65% of fantasy leagues' time. He will then proceed to shit the bed.
Tennessee (+1) @ Cincinnati
Cincinnati is the city that has elected George Bush twice. I was just there for a wedding last weekend. Everyone loved Sarah Palin. When asked if they really believed that creationism should be taught in school, they responded 'That's the way I was brought up.' They are in their 20's. It is a scary, scary place. Tennessee is going to win this one for Vince Young's mama.
New Orleans (-1) @ Washington
Washington is not a good team. They are a bad team. Washington fans are bad people. Anyone who half-heartedly converts to being a Redskins fan should be disowned by his real team. That is, unless his real team is the Lions. Then he should be forced to suffer that indignity forever.
Chicago (+3) Vs Carolina
Both teams had pretty impressive wins against heavily favored teams. Sorry, Chief. Chicago's defense looked pretty good, and I am still not convinced the Jake Delhomme has anything more than the occasional decent game left in him. I think it will be close, but I'll take the points.
Giants (-9) @ St. Louis
St. Louis might be worse than the Lions.
Buffalo (+5) @ Jacksonville
I think Jacksonville might have some real problems. Aside from the shooting, of course. Everyone's trendy pick to go to the Super Bowl may not make the playoffs. They may be able to fix things once the Oline gets a little healthy, but they are not this week. I also think Buffalo might be better than people think.
Tampa Bay (-7) VS ATL
This spread should be much higher. Atlanta is a very bad team. Don't be fooled by the fact they crushed the Lions. It will be a rude awakening for the Falcons when they play an NFL caliber team, even if Brian Greise is their QB.
San Fransisco (+6.5) @ Seattle
Hasselback is an old man with back problems. His receivers were all pumping gas two weeks ago. Maurice Morris is hurt, leaving Julius Jones as the only healthy back. JT O'Sullivan was let go by the Lions, so you know he must be good.
Arizona (-6.5) VS Miami
Miami is still bad. Arizona is still the Cardinals. Arizona is at that point in the season where they start everyone talking about how they were 'my upset pick to win the NFC West all along'. They will find a way to fuck it up. The only thing standing in the way of an Arizona collapse is that 6-10 might win their division this year.
Patriots (+1) @ NY Jets
I hate the Patriots. I lived in Boston in 2001 when they came out of nowhere and won the super bowl. All of a sudden everyone in Boston had been a Pats fan all of their lives. The people of Boston sicken me. But, you know Belichek always has something special for Mangini. Can't go against them till I see them lose. This must be the first time the Pats have been an underdog in some time. I think they pull this one out.
Denver (+1) VS San Diego
I don't know if you heard, but Jay Cutler has diabetes. This is the reason he has sucked. Unless Shane Merriman steals his insulin syringes to inject his steroids, Denver will win this game. San Diego has issues. I don't think LT is healthy, and they have lost some confidence. Looking over and seeing Norv Turner is your coach is not the way to regain confidence.
Pittsburgh (-6.5) @ Cleveland
Cleveland is all hype. I can't wait till they lose this game and people are calling for Brady Quinn. He will be the first gay-bashing homosexual to start in the NFL. What a time to be alive.
Philly (+6.5) @ Dallas
Both teams are pretty good. It is entirely possible that Dallas runs away with this, but I think that Philly might be better than you think. I'll take the points.

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  • At 5:52 PM, Blogger The Battleship said…

    I want that Drew Stanton jersey.

    GB, KC, Tennessee, NO, Carolina, NYG, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Seattle, Miami, NYJ, San Diego, Pittsburgh, Dallas, Minnesota, Baltimore


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