Take A Walk On the Brown Side


brown bear

Sunday evening I decided to go for dinner and drinks at Stoney's, my new neighborhood pub. Stoney's is a very welcome addition to the neighborhood. I wouldn't say it's really a sports bar at this point, but it does have two large flat panel tv's displaying sports. They have fantastic burgers, brisket, and some supposedly delicious variation of grilled cheese that I haven't tried yet. They have a nice selection of beers on tap as well. It's great to finally have a place nearby that is "gay-friendly" instead of 100% gay (Titan's Ramrod) or "straight-friendly" (Dakota Cowgirl). A feller needs some trim walking about from time to time.

One night last Spring a friend of mine crashed on my couch after a big Adams Morgan romp and we went out looking for some breakfast the next morning. We went into Dakota Cowgirl and had some food. After we were done, my buddy went to the bar and ordered a bloody mary. He had the look in his eye like he was ready to do some serious drankin', which turned out to be the case. He had never been to Dakota Cowgirl, which is gay owned and operated, but caters to all persuasions. The bartender and all of the patrons at the bar were clearly gay, but he didn't seem to mind and I certainly didn't give a shit. I was actually pretty amazed that he was all about locking it down there. We talked with everyone about various shit for a couple of hours. One of the guys, Carlos, mentioned that his boyfriend, John, was about to come meet him at the bar. It was clear as day that Carlos was gay. At that point, my buddy says to him
"Yeah, I was wondering if you might be gay. I kind of had a feeling you might be."
"What gave it away?"
I'm thinking to myself that it was about as subtle as the difference between a horse and a zebra.
"Something about the way you talk I guess...and your mannerisms are a little effeminate."
"Could you tell?", my friend asked the bartender.
"Uh, yeah."
My buddy looked over at one of the other guys at the bar.
"Not you though, right Rob?"
"Oh God yes!"
It was really damn amusing to see him realize that he had been drinking for hours at what was essentially a gay bar. I pointed out some things that he hadn't noticed in the place that could have clued him in, such as several extremely homo-erotic paintings of cowboys and a sketch of Mt Rushmore but with the heads of Bette Middler, Meryl Streep, Barbara Streisand, and someone else. There was no leaving at that point. His whole discovery was enjoyed by everyone at the bar and it was a pretty fun time. As we got more and more shitfaced my buddy and I started asking them questions about being gay and they asked about straight life, like what exactly it was that we find so attractive about females. I learned some terms that I had been unfamiliar with such as
- cub: a male with some chest hair
- bear: a male with a large amount of body hair
- CODA: child of deaf adult. the bartender was a CODA.
- top: dominant gay male in relationship who fucks the asshole of others
- bottom: dominated gay male in relationship whose asshole is fucked by others
I was stunned to learn about the whole top and bottom aspect of gay relationships. I figured that both parties fucked and got fucked by each other. It didn't seem fair to me, so accused John, the top, of being only half gay.
"I don't think you can't just go and sign up for just fucking other people's asses, dude. If you're not taking it in the ass as well, you're only half gay in my opinion."
John looked a little bit offended, but he and Carlos cut me some slack because of how drunk and ignorant I was.

It was also explained to us how easy it was to get laid in the gay community. The bartender told us how he was in a relationship, but it wasn't at all exclusive. He said that it worked because each of them knew that the other couldn't keep it in his pants. They didn't understand about all of the bullshit involved in two straight people starting something, and I couldn't at all blame them. If you're a moderately good looking gay man and want to get laid, you can make that happen with 100% certainty apparently. They told me that I would get a lot of attention in a real gay bar, like upstairs at Titan's Ramrod. They tried a few times, unsuccessfully, to take us upstairs to show us what it was like.
"Come on, just for a minute! You can go up there some other time but without us there to protect you you'll be eaten alive!"
It started to get a little weird when Carlos started obsessively staring at my hands and asking me to hold them up for the other boys to see. Soon after this started we closed out our tab and took our drunken straight asses out into the world. We had some serious knowledge dropped on us, which can happen when you spend 7 hours in a gay bar.

So that's what the straightest bar in my neighborhood was like pre-Stoney's. Of course some gay folks are going to stroll into Stoney's, which is just fine. They usually give me a much-needed self esteem boost, which I definitely needed after not picking up any interest from the ladies at the bar I went to in Florida. I got hit on pretty hard by one guy with an Aussie accent for a while before he finally gave up. He told me that I should really go into JR's sometime because I'd get hit on by everyone in the place. I explained that doing that would be like the girls I always end up hitting on that pretend to be single but tell me before they leave that they have a boyfriend or husband. Dirty dirty shit, I tell ya.

Next to me at the bar was a straight dude there with his gay friend. It was 9 or 10 PM and they had been there since noon. I'm not sure how they knew each other, but they were both beer brewers. When I told them that I was from Michigan, one of them asked if I had ever had Bell's beer, my favorite beer on the planet. I sure as shit had. He told me that the Whole Foods across the street started to carry it a couple of days ago.

Immediately my quality of life jumped up a big notch. Not only did I now have a neighborhood bar to stumble home from, but I now had my favorite beer available around the corner. They had finally made it to the east coast...amazing. Last night I picked up the last two sixers of Best Brown.



Best Brown is probably my favorite Bell's beer, along with Oberon. They are brewed in opposite times of the year, with the brown currently in season. Best Brown is a great name for a beer, but would also be a great name for a bourbon. Here's to you, Bell's, for dropping serious brown bombs on my already brown preferred beverage mix.