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Thursday, November 09, 2006

Field Turf the Mall

I wonder how it is getting dog feces off of it?

If you were here between around midnight and 10AM you saw what happens when I start typing after a lot of drinks--bad writing with not much direction. I really need to just avoid the internet altogether at that point. At least you can delete posts. Text messages, however, cannot be retracted or I have not yet figured out how to do this. Man, if it's possible to do this I sure wish I would have known how to do it about two years ago when I woke up and checked the sent texts on my phone and saw "I love you" had been sent to my ex-girlfriend at around 3AM. Simple, to the point, and fucking psychotic.

The National Parks Service announced recently that it would be taking suggestions from citizens on how to best improve the National Mall. If you live in DC or have visited here, you are probably aware that the grass on the national mall is constantly being trampled by tourists, protesters, rallyers for all sorts of causes, and amateur athletes playing football, softball, ultimate frisbee, soccer, and such. The fields are mostly in terrible condition and much of it is basically just packed dirt with some dead grass in some areas.

Well, NPS, I have the answer you've been trying to find: field turf. Field turf and the nutty buddy are the two greatest sports inventions ever. Michigan Stadium, where the playing surface is at least 100 feet under ground, used to have problems with the sod not holding because of all of the underground water. They installed the old style astroturf, then tried to go back to grass in the 90's. It was a failure. Players would trip over massive chunks of sod that had been torn from the field. Then they installed field turf (note: it may be called something else, but I'm just going to call it field turf) and all problems were gone. Everyone loves the stuff. I have the privilege of playing sloccer on it in my league games. It's got plenty of give and the ball rolls true all the time.

Fantasy football stud Ladainian Tomlinson loves playing on field turf so much that he had it put into his back yard. That's what I'm talking about. If it's good enough for Ladainian's back yard, it's certainly good enough for our nation's back yard. I'm sure the US & A and Field Turf could work out some kind of deal where everyone comes out happy. It would be expensive, sure, but they could cut the NPS a good deal because it would be amazing advertising for them. Everyone would want a yard made out of the stuff. Who wouldn't want it?
-it sucks mowing lawns.
-it sucks pulling out crabgrass and dandilions.
-it sucks dealing with grubs and moles
Plus, after a few beers with your friends watching football being played on the same shit on tv, you can brag to them that your whole yard is made out of the same stuff. Then you all will want to grab a football at halftime and go out and run around on it, leading to effed up knees, pulled hammies, and wheezing, all of which are awesome.

While this would be an extremely expensive project, it would be durable and require less maintenance. It would be strong enough to stand up to hordes of assholes stomping around on it and would be awesome to play sports on. Visitors would remember the field turf mall as much as the crap in the museums.

If you're with me on this, send in support for it to the NPS.

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