Live From Florida: More Ex-Girlfriend Bashing!

So it has been almost three weeks since I broke up with my most recent girlfriend. It's been an awesome three weeks! When I broke up with her I said a lot of things, one of which was that I wanted to still be friends if she was comfortable with it. What a terrible mistake that was on my part. What got into me there? By then I was no longer especially attracted to her, but mostly I really couldn't stand just being around her because she was incredibly annoying. I had been putting in an inspirational performance conducting the dumping in extremely harsh conditions. I was like Tom Brady in the snow in mid-January, only less handsome.

The conditions were mostly my fault. It was a Friday and I didn't have to work. She did. I had been trying to figure out the best time and place to get the job done and decided that buying her lunch and dumping her at the end of lunch would be the way to go. It was pointed out to me by a friend after I asked her to lunch that sending a dumped girl back to work was an extremely poor choice. I really had to do this where she left feeling as upbeat as possible. I accomplished this by putting it all on me being fucked up in the head due to feelings I had for another girl, which may or may not have been true--the important thing is that she definitely believed it. She did say some pretty awful things that made me want to puke:

- (points to herself) "So, you really want to give up hitting this?"

- "Ok, whew. I thought it was me...I can understand having feelings for someone else...but, like, percentage-wise how much do you have feelings for me? Twenty? Eighty?"

I fought through these and more painful moments. You have to just shake your head, put your hands to the face, look at the table, and act like you could totally answer those questions, but you're too messed up over everything to do it. But I think a sky point during Thanksgiving is in order just to be safe. So it was going amazingly well until the whole "will we still be friends" thing came up. I wanted to say "Percentage-wise, I'd like to be 99% not your friend because you annoy the hell out of me". I should have said that I wasn't sure if I could still be friends right away, but hopefully not too far down the road it would work, or some such shit. I of course ended up saying that I would, and to this day I get emails from her on pretty much a daily basis. Once I agreed to meet her at a bar for friendly drinks. I brought some friends along with me to leave no doubt about this being just a friendly get together. It was ok, but she did say some crazy things, most noteably

"Yeah, so I think I'm going to just date guys from Michigan from now on."

"Uh, don't you think that's a little narrow? What about guys from, say, Wisconsin?"

"Nah, I just really like Michigan guys."

I guess it's time to think about approaching a new girl now, one that I don't despise. This is something that I have never been great at. I'm really bad at reading signals, although I'm starting to learn things like:

-If a girl is playing with her hair a lot while talking to you, it's good.

-If her toe is pointed towards you, she sees you as the focal point of the room.

-If a girl is giving you a hand job in a cab, she most likely wants to have sex with her.

Shit, I can't seem to remember any bad signs right now. I'm sure there are tons...I'll probably see a lot of them tomorrow night at Bennigan's down here in Bonita Springs!

Uh, hi. I just wanted to say, uh...hi, excuse me? hello, miss? Yeah, hi. I find you to be attractive. What do you think about that?

I've been kicking around some ice breaker ideas. Here's what I've come up with so far:

“Hello. My penis down here really wanted me to ask if you would consider conversing with me until you have determined whether or not the possible benefit of a fun, exciting, meaningful relationship outweighs the cost of a possibly shameful increase of one in the count of your sexual partners. We could converse in public while consuming food and drinks—since eating and drinking are so familiar to both of us, it will hopefully temporarily make you feel connected enough to me that you will decide that sexual intercourse is something that you would like to take part in with me today. If, after consuming food and drinks, you are undecided but feel comfortable enough with me to interact sometime in the near future, you can give me your phone number. If you give me your phone number, my penis will discuss you with my brain which, after interacting with you for the time we have spent eating and drinking together, will have enough information to make a judgment on you as well. If they are in agreement that the financial and lifestyle constraints that a relationship demands are outweighed by the potential of consistent sex and of you being pleasant to interact with in non-sexual situations, I would be calling you back.”

Other possibilities:

"All I want to do is a zooma zoom zoom in your boom boom."

"Hey, you want to go for a ride in my dad's 'vette? It's totally sweet."

I will be sure to report back with the results of tomorrows trip to Bennigan's, the place for young singles down in Bonita Springs.