How To Fix Iraq



We have a new Defense Department Secretary. His name is Robert Gates. Mr. Gates, If you're reading this I have some suggestions for you which are sure to improve things over there.

Peace plan 1:

• Distribute massive amounts of pornography, marijuana, and Playstations to the young men of Iraq.

Send easy to read instructions on when and how to use them.
"Thirty minutes before you are planning on blowing up a bus full of women and children, use this magazine. Manipulate your Fontes while looking at the fold out picture of the naked lady until you run and shoot. If upon completion you still want to blow up the bus, smoke some marijuana. If after 15 minutes you still want to blow up the bus, start playing the Playstation game Twisted Metal. Every hour, hit 'pause', smoke more marijuana, and eat some food. Then continue your game. Remasterbate as needed."

Peace plan 2:

• Send Matt Millen and Isiah Thomas to Iraq to head up the two main franchises, the Sunnis and the Shiites.

These guys will have the two teams so poorly prepared to fight or blow stuff up that it will seem like there's a real cease-fire. After a while the fans and players will turn their hatred toward the two leaders, but just like here they will never succeed in removing them from power.

Peace plan 3:

• Send the Coors Light Silver Bullet Train through Baghdad.

It's fucking hot over there. Really dusty too. That silver bullet train in the commercial seems to really cool things off...literally! It may go against the faith to drink Coors Light, but really, the stuff's basically just water anyway.