Get A Big Score Going Down
(inspired by the previous post by the Battleship)


You want to keep the shaft stiff and straight.

You've heard of the Medicus, right? No? Well, obviously you're not a golfer. The golf swing may look easy on television, but the slightest imperfection in your stance, balance, or tempo will translate into a shitty golf shot. If your grip is too tight or out of position on the club, you will fuck your shot up. If you break your wrists too early on the takeaway, you will fuck your shot up. If you do a side bend during your back swing instead of pivot your hips, you will fuck your shot up. If you start your downswing with your hands instead of your hips and shoulders, you will fuck your shot up. There are countless ways to fuck up a golf shot. This is why the average golfer score is somewhere close to 100 and why they throw clubs and swear violently during rounds. You can have the greatest drive you've ever had and if you fuck up the next shot you can still end up with a triple bogey.

The Medicus is one of many golf training aids designed to build muscle memory associated with a proper swing plane at the proper tempo. It looks like a regular golf club except for the hinge in the middle of the shaft. It is designed so that with a proper swing, the hinge in the shaft will not break. It teaches you that the golf swing should be completely in a plane that is roughly like if you had a big sheet of glass standing up in front of you at where the ball is teed up, parallel to your shoulders, and then was allowed to magically fall through your head to rest on your shoulders. All of your swings would be such that your club would glide against this big sheet of glass. The hinge will not break if the club is in this plane through the swing and the tempo is smooth and the wrists are loose. This forces your hips to make the proper pivot and all the other shit. I wholeheartedly endorse the Medicus as a quality training aid.

Like the golf swing, cunnilingus looks easy in pornographic video but the slightest imperfection can leave you stuck in traffic downtown, ordered to pull over to the side of the road, or forced off the road due to a broken down tongue. While a poor technique may still be enjoyable for the cunnilingee, it's not going to take her over that rainbow. It's not going to result in her making you a fresh batch of cookies.

Unfortunately, I grew up listening to, among other genres of music, gangsta rap, which didn't exactly glorify the cunnilingus. It certainly was not part of the seven habits of highly effective gangstas. Gangsta rap, however, did make it clear to females that fellatio and scrotum licking was a highly marketable skill for bitches and hos to possess. So while great advances in fellatio were made in the g-funk era, cunnilingus was probably set back quite a bit.

While I consider myself to be somewhat proficient at this endeavor, I by no means consider myself an expert. I understand that like the golf swing, both tempo and the length of the swing are important. Inconsistent tempo can leave the vajayjay confused or even frightened. Going too fast or two slow is undesirable. But how fast is too fast and how slow is too slow? What is the ideal coverage zone? Sure, you could just ask, but what self-respecting male wants to do that?

What we need is a training device for our tongues. A Medillingus. It could be sold along with a practice range (fake pussy). It could function by beeping in a steady rhythm when your tongue is doing what it should and make a buzzing noise, like the one in Family Feud when you give a shitty answer, when something goes wrong. This Medillingus would promote muscle memory associated with positive responses in the vajayjay. As a cunnilinger's technique is honed, his intake of from-scratch chocolate chip cookies and intensive reciprocation will increase, which he will find pleasing. Perhaps eventually there could even be video games like Golden Tee at taverns where gentlemen could demonstrate their cunnilinging prowess, which may or may not lead to increased take-home action from the bar.

Score One for the Electoral College...

sports.espn.go.com/espn/fp/flashPollResultsState?pollId=44215

Sometimes, the popular vote gets it wrong too.

How To Fix Iraq



We have a new Defense Department Secretary. His name is Robert Gates. Mr. Gates, If you're reading this I have some suggestions for you which are sure to improve things over there.

Peace plan 1:

• Distribute massive amounts of pornography, marijuana, and Playstations to the young men of Iraq.

Send easy to read instructions on when and how to use them.
"Thirty minutes before you are planning on blowing up a bus full of women and children, use this magazine. Manipulate your Fontes while looking at the fold out picture of the naked lady until you run and shoot. If upon completion you still want to blow up the bus, smoke some marijuana. If after 15 minutes you still want to blow up the bus, start playing the Playstation game Twisted Metal. Every hour, hit 'pause', smoke more marijuana, and eat some food. Then continue your game. Remasterbate as needed."

Peace plan 2:

• Send Matt Millen and Isiah Thomas to Iraq to head up the two main franchises, the Sunnis and the Shiites.

These guys will have the two teams so poorly prepared to fight or blow stuff up that it will seem like there's a real cease-fire. After a while the fans and players will turn their hatred toward the two leaders, but just like here they will never succeed in removing them from power.

Peace plan 3:

• Send the Coors Light Silver Bullet Train through Baghdad.

It's fucking hot over there. Really dusty too. That silver bullet train in the commercial seems to really cool things off...literally! It may go against the faith to drink Coors Light, but really, the stuff's basically just water anyway.

How I Am Going To Get Rich Right Quick

Yesterday I signed up for a flexible spending account (FSA), which allows you to purchase certain health-related products and services with money that has not been taxed. The main reason I did this was for dental and vision related expenses. There are several other great uses for this money, as I discovered, such as birth control products. You may think that you are about to read about how this is totally sweet because I have so much sex that condoms are a real drain on my budget, but you would be wrong. I smell a business opportunity to make money from people who do have sex often and on random nights with random partners.

Some facts about condoms:

- they are expensive

- some people are ebarassed to buy them

- sometimes you don't have them when you really need them

Here's the basic idea:

If you think you might ever be in a situation where it is inconvenient for you to procure condoms, you register at the company website as a sexually active Washingtonian. Registration could cost maybe $10/year. Maybe free...not sure about that. After registering, you will be given a phone number that you can send a text message to giving the location of the imminent sexual encounter. Also, you can select your preferred brand of condom. Upon receipt of the text message, a courier will rush to your location in DC and discretely get the prophylactic(s) to you to use. It would be far more expensive to use this service than to purchase them ahead of time, but the advantages would be that you

- don't look like a guy who just has a condom on his person at all times

- have it available for emergencies.

I remember back in High School one time I could have totally gone all the way with this really cute girl in the back of my pickup truck that was parked in a random parking lot on a cold Monday night in December (i had a cap on the bed of the truck), but I didn't have a condom so it just didn't happen that night. I think I stayed a virgin for almost another entire year. Of course I didn't have a cell phone back then, but there must be high school boys out there that I can help avoid the frustration that I went through.

Condoms would be purchased with FSA money. You may be thinking that this is one of the dumbest things you've ever read and that I need to start getting back to my bread and butter, which is writing about crimes against nature and the lions being shitty. Well, I have news for you, pally: I'm going to write about whatever the hell I want to write about, including ideas that sound dumber and dumber after each word that I type.

Ok, I'm done writing about that terrible idea. One last thing before I sign off for the week:

TELL EVERY HARD LUCK GAMBLER YOU KNOW TO BET ON USC TO WIN.

This will be a win-win. If USC wins, they win a little bit of cash. If they lose, Michigan will likely play in the national championship game. The hard luck gambler you know may not give a shit about Michigan, but I sure do.

Bon Weekend!