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Thursday, December 21, 2006

The Isiah Riders

Atlantic Division (48-75)
1. New Jersey
2. Toronto
3. Boston
4. New York
5. Philadelphia

I have decided that it's time to start following the NBA this year. After checking the standings I was happy to see that my Pistons are in first place in the Central Division. I had sort of expected them to be in third or fourth, certainly behind Cleveland and Chicago. The worst record in the Central belongs to the Milwaukee Bucks at11-14, which really is pretty solid for a last place team. That record, however, is absolutely putrid for a first place team. The Nets in the Atlantic Division is like crabs in a list of STD's. You can at least get rid of crabs, so they are sort of the "best" in a list that includes genital warts (Toronto), herpes (Boston), syphilis (New York), and AIDS (Philadelphia). You can get a good look at the Knicks and 76'ers by sticking your head up the Atlantic Division's ass, but wouldn't you rather just take the first place New Jersey Nets' word for it?

CBS national columnist Mike Freeman has his first of three extremely long columns on NBA figures of note up on today, describing the current state of the Knicks and Isiah Thomas. Some excerpts:
First, Thomas. His tenure with the Knicks can be summed up in one word: belief.

Large chunks of prime real estate near the court, just behind the team benches, where Hollywood stars and jiggling breasts and gel-covered boy-toys once mingled, are painfully vacant.

The man being blamed for the Knicks' troubles is wearing a charcoal suit, pinkish starched shirt and a dapper tie. When it comes to clothes, Isiah Thomas is the anti-Bill Belichick; when it comes to personnel decisions, he is the anti-Bill Belichick.

But back to the Memphis game. After his glance at the dissatisfied fans, there is a smirk on the face of Thomas. It's a look that says: Bleep you.

The best way to describe Thomas is uber-survivor; if you dropped him out of an airplane at 60,000 feet, he would land with a smile and belly full of peanuts.

In effect Thomas has committed one of the cardinal sins in sports. He has created a team that is both bad and uninteresting.

Then, fans start chants. The loudest is "Fire Isiah!" But "Fire Thomas!" is also heard. So is "Fire Dolan!"

It is beyond ugly in New York. In an unseasonably warm New York winter, the roasting Thomas is receiving from everyone is unseasonably brutal.

If you are a Lions fan, I know what you are thinking: THE KNICKS ARE BECOMING THE LIONS! They have too much success in their history to be anywhere close to where the Lions are, but as far as the current state of each team is concerned, the similarity is undeniable.

Symptoms that your team has Hypolis:

Former Lions quarterback Eric Hipple: probably one of the best Lions qb's in my lifetime

-Incompetent owner
-Even more incompetent president/GM
-Poor draft choices
-Underperforming free agent acquisitions
-Transition from anger to embarrassment to apathy among fans
-Widespread Booing of team at home games
-"Fire [insert president/GM name here]!" signs at team venue or any public gathering in city
-Nonsensical but funny "Fire [insert owner name here]!" sign at team venue or any public gathering in city

Diagnosis for Knicks: early stages of Hypolis

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  • At 1:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    It just goes to show that its always bad luck to kiss somebody who is HIV positive - even if it preceedes an opening tip.

  • At 3:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    At least Matt Millen hasn't installed himself as head coach (yet).

  • At 4:24 PM, Blogger Awful Chief said…

    Matt Millen will eventually manage every aspect of our lives. He will be your boss. He will be the principal at your kid's school. He will narrowly defeat Isiah to become president of the United States. He will be the judge and jury when you go to court. And he will remain with the Lions throughout all of this.


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