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Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Big Game is Waiting There Inside Her Tights

I recently became aware of some rather startling information. It's conceivable that most men know about this already, but they probably do not. Have you ever been standing in a subway station or waiting for your chicken fries order and noticed a young woman standing beside you wearing jeans who is clearly obese but has a remarkably buoyant rump? Her triceps are sagging, her side fat is spilling over her belt, the path of her strides is a series of arcs, yet somehow her big bulbous bottom appears to be well formed and full of live. How is that thing holding such shape? It's like there is a gravitational pull at the center of each cheek.

A few weeks back my special ladyfriend and I were sitting on the metro heading home after doing some drinking, and for whatever reason started talking about jeans. I can't remember if she complimented my supreme fashion sense, expressed disgust for me wearing the particular pair for several days in a row, or was jealous of the button fly, but she began disclosing certain information, man, about womens' jeans that I had not been privy to. This information--this new shit that had come to light, explained that these mysterious miracle asses might not be everything they're cracked up to be.

She demonstrated that her jeans had an elastic property to them. Interesting, I thought. They looked like regular jeans but stretched a little bit. I told her that I had never seen jeans like this before. The only elastic in jeans I could ever remember was in the 80's "mom jeans".

I'm not a woman anymore. I'm a mom!

It was explained to me that it's almost impossible to find a new pair of women's jeans that is not made of stretch denim. Why? It makes their asses look great, that's why. I'm not sure how long this has been the case. Perhaps it has been this way for a decade or more, but I found it shocking. The more I thought about it the more I shuddered in horror thinking about what the actual product was behind all that fancy packaging, especially with the ones that looked to be stuffed into jeans about three sizes too small. What happens when they come off? What happens if the stretch denim gives out on one of those size 15 girls in size 10 jeans? An assplosion, that's what. Those girls should have to carry liability insurance on their backsides.

A week or two after this revelation, special ladyfriend emailed me a link to a pair of women's jeans that blew me the fuck away.

"powernet mesh"?
"time-release capsules"?
"anti-celluite (sic) properties"?

If these babies give out, there will be new meaning to 'dirty bomb'. From the description, these jeans must come with a shoe horn for getting them on and off.

I'm sure there are some comfortable stretch denim jeans out there that don't distort the goods too drastically, but as a guy who is particularly attracted to rear ends of women, I think this particular product should be banned for false advertising and endangerment. Imagine the poor guy who goes home with a girl wearing these jeans. He's probably intoxicated, which mollifies the horror of observing the metamorphosis, but it still has to be pretty rough. In an instant (or perhaps an hour, depending on how long it takes for the jeans to be shed) all anti-cellulite properties are gone. Plus, the time-release capsules have probably left the ass greasy and smelly (maybe the moisturizing capsules make it physically possible to pry them off). Better take another shot of tequila, cowboy, and pretend that you have fallen asleep.

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  • At 12:54 PM, Blogger Sarah said…

    Well, I see what you're saying but the same could be applied to padded bras. What about taking home a girl that looks like she has buoyont Cs to only discover that after you round 1st she's a wimpy A/near B? What could be more disappointing? One minute your hoping to turn into a motorboatn' son-of-a-bith but then the next minute you realize you're stuck w/ mosquito bites. That's got to be worse than taking off someone's pants to find they have more dimples than you had originally perceived. But I guess for guys tits are tits and if you've got access to one (two if you're lucky) than size becomes irrelavent.

  • At 1:09 PM, Blogger Awful Chief said…

    The fake titts thing is definitely more disappoing/frightening. True story: I once hooked up with a girl in college who was a friend of a friend visiting from New York. I picked her up from the airport and she was absolutely stunning. I don't remember her undressing, but I remember thinking something was a little different about her while things were happening. The next morning I found FAKE BOOBS on my bedroom floor. Now that's false fucking advertising. She was still good looking, but the disappointment got to me and I ended up refusing her affection.

  • At 1:21 PM, Blogger Sarah said…

    It's good to know you have standards. :)


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