Just because you've hit 30 doesn't mean you can't be fresh anymore!

Just because you've hit 30 doesn't mean you can't be fresh anymore!

Whoa doctor. Jimminy Cricket. Thirty fucking years. That's five presidents, 190 Lions wins. Now what? When do I start to feel like I'm not at the top of my game? I am faster and stronger than I was at any other point in my life. I could drink the me of five years ago under the table and get up and run ten miles and derive the formula for the variance of a complex sample survey before the old me would be out of his shitty non-Tempurpedic bed.

Dude...what's up with all these grayish hairs? Maybe it's time for some Just For Men. I don't want to be some sucker that Clyde Frazier and Keith Hernandez are saying "No play for Mr. Gray!", about. Nah. They're probably just white, like my dad was just so blond that his hair always was white, even when he was a little kid. Yeah, that's probably it. Just genetics. But fuck, dad doesn't exactly have much left up top now. Has my hairline always been this high?

Age of 30, I don't know if you had other plans for me when I got to you, but if you thought I would be a washed up bastard thinking back to my high school years, sighing, with a far-away look in my eyes, fuck you, you didn't get the job done.

Look, thirty, I own your ass. Drop me off at any college party of your choosing and I guarantee that I'll do some serious work. No going home alone to smoke pot and masturbate myself to sleep like sorry ass nineteen-year-old me would do. I'd walk out of the house with a hot girl and the numbers of her hot jealous friends.

But I'd make sure to get home and get some good sleep though, because there sure is a lot going on at work right now. Man, I hope I get that promotion...I could really use a little help with those mortgage payments. Fuck, I haven't checked my retirement fund in a while. My allocation is probably totally shitty. The dollar really sucks right nowf...oh well, at least I've got a lot going into that international fund.

I wonder if DC United has open tryouts. I mean, how could I not make their team right now. Put me anywhere on the field. On defense I'll put the motherfuckers on lockdown like someone just got stabbed in Em-City. I'm McMannis and everyone else is just some number. Oh, nice try with that step-over, Cristiano Ronaldo, you didn't lose me. I'm still right in front of you, eyeball-to-eyeball. A worthy fucking adversary. On offense, nobody will handle my Allen Iverson-like first step. Whoosh, b-bye!

Fuck, my feet hurt though. Maybe I should make an appointment with a podiatrist. Maybe I need some orthotics. Damn, what I wouldn't give to be wearing a nice pair of Rockports right now. Those look like some comfortable motherfucking shoes.

When the hell am I supposed to get a colonoscopy or whatever the shit that procedure is? The last thing I want is a colon full of polyps. I wonder how early I need to switch from the generic version of Centrum to the generic version of Centrum Silver, and am I getting enough fiber? Nah, those actors in the Total commercials look so much older than me. I wonder how those dudes in the beer commercials get to be those dudes in the beer commercials. I'd love to be one of those dudes. I'm going to just start acting like my life is one big beer commercial being filmed. I just hope I get carded.