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Sunday, December 09, 2007

Thoughts on Michigan's hiring of Russell Crowe from someone who really knows what he is talking about

As a blogger, I by nature have valuable opinions that are really important and by sharing them in this forum, I am fulfilling my responsibility to the world to help it become more enlightened. More advanced. Reader, I hope that these priceless thoughts will provoke profound thoughts of your own, which will then be shared with the world through the medium of your choice. This post will hopefully start a fission-like process of thoughts and sharing that will make lesser people as good as we are. And now, without further ado, I give you some thoughts on the hiring of Russell Crowe to the position of head football coach by the University of Michigan. I have inserted bullets, to let you know that I'm not fucking around.

But first, some absolutely hilarious questions that I would ask Russell Crowe today at the press conference announcing his hiring:
  • Will the first few offensive plays of every game be scripted?
  • Have you selected a coaching staff, or should I say, your Crowenies?
Don't even try to tell me that you didn't LOL! OK, time to get serious...
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger is an Austrian actor who has gone on to coach the state of California. Russell Crowe is an Australian actor who is now the head coach of the University of Michigan football team. The difference between "Australia" and "Austria" is "AL", which stands for Alabama, a state that likes football. Or backwards, it stands for Los Angeles, where Hollywood is. In light of this, it is clear that Russell Crowe is more like Sylvester Croom than Eminem.
  • I say let bygones be bygones, but I think America deserves to know what crime(s) the Crowe ancestors were guilty of. What if it was arson? The last thing America needs is another arsonist family.
  • You know those Delaware uniforms? I think authors feel like Michigan does while watching Delaware, when they watch a movie that is an adaptation of their book. Russell Crowe, as an actor, will be able to confirm this.
  • Either Aussies are morons for not wearing pads or Americans are pussies for wearing them. We will soon find out which one it is.
  • There is a dearth of African-Americans in Australia. It is yet to be determined if Russell Crowe will be able to successfully recruit the black athlete and determine the position that he will be best suited for.
  • Remember the Sega CD game system that was supposed to be all cool, but then there were only like 10 games for it, including that Star Wars Chess game, and then Sega Saturn bettered it but then everyone ended up liking Playstation more? And you know how XML is supposed to be an improvement of HTML but now everyone is all about Flash? In my opinion, Bo Schembechler is HTML, Gary Moeller is Sega CD, Lloyd Carr is the Playstation, and Russell Crowe will become World of Warcraft.

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