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Friday, December 29, 2006

"Grand Rapids" Ford, Dead at 93.

"I was all like, did you say $200 a play for the Lions????"

If I end up getting married and having a child, a child that successfully graduates the third grade and becomes a fourth grader, I am going to recommend that the child chooses Gerald R. Ford to write the required president report on. When I was in fourth grade, I did not get to choose GRF. I was assigned the 13th president, Millard Fillmore.


Some shit that MF did:

-grew up in upstate New York, the only one of the four largest states (others are FL, TX, CA) to not have a good college football team. Syracuse is the best team in the entire state. Awful.
-apprenticed to a cloth dresser
-became president when Zachary Taylor, aka "old rough and ready", dropped dead
-appointed Daniel Webster to Secretary of State. There is a statue of Daniel Webster a couple blocks from my apartment.
-opposed Abe Lincoln during the civil war
-died at the age of 74


You're about to be dropped faster than a dress on prom night!*

-Born in NE, but grew up in Grand Rapids, MI. Grand Valley State University, where Lucille Taylor is the vice chair on the Board of Trustees, is located in Grand Rapids.
-Played football for the University of Michigan. Won two national championships, playing center and linebacker. Offered contract with the Detroit Lions but shrewdly turned it down.
-Became president without ever being listed as a prez or vp candidate in a presidential election. GRF should have had "25th" tatood on his left pec.
-Ford used the Garnet crystal, channeling its sexual energy by clenching it in his left fist .
-fought in WWII with the Navy.
-died at the age of 93

Winner: GRF. Best unelected president/vice president in US history. Wait, no, world history.

*Credit for this statement, or something sort of like it, goes to a Lansing area man who coached high school football in the mid-nineties.

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  • At 11:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Awful..??? Syracuse may have fallen on hard times in football (and only football) in the last few years but the prestige of SU football is as grate as team in the nation… only one example is the undisputed greatest living college and professional player …Jim Brown. The top 10 players in Michigan history do not event hold a candle to the greatness of Jim Brown. Bo sham-beck-lecker or Shemblecher would be honored to eat the corn from Jim Brown’s shit in hell with Sadda Hussien.

    Happy Fucking New Year!!!!

    The Grape

  • At 6:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I had an "old rough and ready" at Little Caesars last weekend.

    When did Jim Brown die? Or did The Grape confuse Jim Brown with James Brown? That's just racist.


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