GREATEST SPORTS DAY OF THE YEAR

Good day to all of you self-centered social climbers! Today is the greatest sports day of the year. The Arsenal Manchester United match is about to start, then later the two NFL conference championship games are happening. I will later provide some suggestions on what to watch between the action. I am planning on providing commentary on the games for as long as I am alone in my apartment, which will probably be until 2PM or so.

This is Man U's first visit to Emirates Stadium, and they are wearing the blue unis with red trim. If they can pull out a win today, they will have all but wrapped up first place in the premiership. If they lose to Arsenal, the table becomes very tight at the top with wins by the 3rd and 4th place teams at home versus the 1st and 2nd place teams.

Man U has had the chances in the first five minutes, with a corner, a free kick, and shots wide by Ronaldo and Giggs from just outside the box. Adebayor's hair is not in corn rows today. Looks like holmes brought out the Fabulaxor.

Besides being fun to watch anyway, this match has fantasy and financial implications for some players. Nice corner by Rosicky, as Arsenal looks to be controlling play more. Thierry Henry, who was injured earlier this year and kept out of all play until January, has been playing fine ball since his return. Whoa, well after play was stopped for a foul, there is an incident to the left of Man U keeper Lehman involving Wayne Rooney and Eboue for Arsenal, who appeared to give a forearm to Rooney's head. I doubt the ref saw the play...no cards and no real injury here. 24:01 Arsenal looks like they are playing a man up right now and control play deep into Man U's end. They appear to be only keeping 2 or 3 players up around the goal or in the corners area with 3 midfielders across the top of the box. It works well when the ball scoots out, but they have been outmanned for the ball from crosses. Now a corner...excellent placement by Thomas Rosicky, the Czech midfielder who scored twice against the US in the World Cup, and Van de Saar punches it away. 28:00 fancy footwork by Ronaldo is not burning the Arsenal defense to this point, as teams begin to counter more quickly. Fabregas's volley blast is deflected out by Vidic. Arsenal looks like the better team so far. Great chance for Arsenal as Adebayor makes a brilliant cross to Henry who heads it on goal from the left side from close range, but right at Van de Saar. Poor play by an Arsenal defender leads to a rush in by Wayne Rooney, but is eventually stopped. Henry tries to sell a penalty kick without success. Beautiful defense on Giggs, followed by a rush by Arsenal leads to a free kick from just outside the top of the box, to be taken by Henry...blocked by the wall, then a decent shot low on goal by Rosicky off the deflection is saved. Corner for Man U now...punched away after bouncing around in the box by Lehmann, right to Rooney, who nearly scores with a great blast. Another corner. Another set of outstanding saves by Lehmann and we're at halftime.

I really need to throw away this pair of boxers. There is a hole expanding right in the sack/taint area. I could probably push it another month or so. Maybe more. Maybe I should put an ad on craigslist.

Boxer Fetish
Do you have a fetish for boxer shorts? For $20, I will meet you and take my boxers off and give for you to keep. I will make sure to wear them for at least 24 hours so there is a strong scent left in them shits.

Thierry Henry is the master of moving the ball up the field by short dribbles on the top of his foot. He does this at a rather slow pace which gives him the option of either quickly accelerating past the defender if he is caught flat-footed or passing it off to a teammate after sucking in defenders to him.

45:00 Special lady calls and I talk to her while watching a nice blast on goal from Arsenal and then a great run by Ronaldo that leaves to a corner. All game the Arsenal D has played with great poise and awareness of each other, as they have continued to control and pass the ball up rather than blast away after intercepting the ball deep in their own end. Just noticed that Van Persie hasn't been in there. ROONEY SCORES ON A DIVING HEADER FROM THE RIGHT SIDE! He put it in after a great cross. The pace has really picked up. Having bet that Arsenal would win or tie, I am really looking for an equalizer, and soon. Rosicky nearly puts it in on a low drive that goes just wide. I hope he finishes better with the ladies.

It's important to pick your spot in a big game like this for taking a shit. This is no time to be consitpated.

They just showed Van Persie on the bench with his bitchy little haircut. Now he is set to come into the game for Hleb, who is not really doing much out there...and the substitution is made at 66:20. Outstanding chance by Arsenal as Adebayor nearly puts it in from the air. Van de Saar is hurt on the play and is being attended to. a bicycle kick by a Man U defender cleared the ball out. Throw in for Arsenal does not lead to a chance. 76th minute now. Van de Saar is really taking his time setting up the goal kicks as Arsenal is beginning to play with a little more desparation. Free kick Van Persie...results in Arsenal corner. Fabregas takes it, headed out for a corner at the other side. No result for the gunners, and they follow by subbing in Baptista for Flamini. Henry has been quiet this half for Arsenal. Now Henrik Larrson is subbed out for Saha. Amazing depth on Man U, and they nearly score on a corner.

GOAL ARSENAL!!!!!!!!

Badass goal by Arsenal! Rosicky emerges with the ball on deep in the right corner, who crossed the ball. It may have been touched slightly by Henry, but it goes past him to van Persie who dives in and gets a foot on the ball somehow at the left post and buries it in the top of the goal.

Ronaldo gets a yellow card for kicking the ball away after going out of bounds. -1 fantasy point. -2 for me since he is my captain, and he is being subbed out for Heinze. 90th minute now. +4 minutes have been set for injury time. Rooney nearly gets a card for some hard play in the Arsenal end. The guy is a bulldog. Really fun to watch.

HOLY SHIT!!!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

THIERRY HENRY HEADS IN A GOAL ON A GREAT CROSS BY EBOUE!!!!!!! Just a couple of seconds left now...Lehmann makes a save on a soft ball on goal...AND IT'S OVER!!!!! Amazing soccer. With 10 minutes left Arsenal was desparately trying to tie it up and they emerge with the win with a goal by their best player in extra time. What a game.

Wow. I'm heading out for the football american, but I'm predicting Saints and Pats victories. Things to consider doing while waiting for the 3PM game:

-eat food

-drink beer or liquor

-masterbate

-take a shower

-head to the store to buy food, drinks, pornography, or soap/shampoo

-go to a strip club

-do some light dusting. don't forget the top of those ceiling fan blades!

-cruise the casual encounters ads

-tell your significant other how special he/she is and that you feel very close to him/her right now. Now being the hour and a half before the start of the first NFL game.

-do some push ups, a wall-sit, or some front and side planks, followed by a satisfied 30 second stare into the mirror.

-place your bets, ladies and gentlemen. place your bets. The end is not here, by the way. There are ways, dude. Believe me, you don't want to know.

I will be doing many of the activities above. Soon I will be heading out into the light snowy outside and walking to the Metro, which I will take to Ballston, get picked up, and go to lady friend's. Stop booing, there is a 50" high def tv there.

Kyle Orton is moist with anticipation. Are you?