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The sound is better than any piece of ass you'll ever have.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

note: The following post is a shameless attempt by a lifelong Lions fan to incorporate his pathetic team into his first posting to this site. I know it's conference championship week. I know the Lions have been mathematically eliminated since August. I promise it won't happen again.

Dear Brady Q,

I know your secret, Brady. It’s OK, I’m here to help.

It isn’t easy for a man to go through what you did. I have sisters too, my friend. During last year’s Fiesta Bowl, when AJ Hawk graphically described what he had done to your sister, Laura, the night before, it was an underhanded psychological ploy that violated the man-code. The thought of that Hulk Hogan-wannbe even looking at my sister gives me the chills. Finding out he peed in her butt? I don’t know if I could handle it. But when he got the OSU defense to act it out on your passing game?? That was downright cruel.

What are you gonna do, when Hulkamania

runs wild on you?

I know that it still hurts during those late nights, after another loss to a ranked opponent, when you just can’t get it out of your head. I’m talking about those special nights when even listening to the O’Jays ‘She Used to be My Girl’ isn’t enough to cheer you up. Well Brady, the good news is…I am here to help.

The Sugar Bowl is over. Future Michigan coach, Les Miles kicked your boy Charlie Weiss right in the FUPA. It’s time to turn your attention to your pre-draft personal workouts. If you follow my program you will finally be able to overcome what happened and move on to fulfill your destiny as the latest Ryan Leaf, Akili Smith, or whichever first-round-bust you decide to emulate.

I know it’s hard. You try to focus on football, but in every pressure situation the only thing you can see is your sister’s gaping asshole being sprayed with urine from AJ’s red and swollen member. Is that santorum on his cock? It doesn’t matter.

On to the program.

First, absolutely NO combine for you, too many people know the story. If Ted Ginn Jr tells you about the wedding night video again, you may lose it forever. You need the stable environment that only a private workout can afford. Just think…You can still have your traditional pre-game match of cornhole with Jeff Samardzija to get you in the right mood.

I also want you to start a visualization routine right now. When those old images of piss and shit and Laura cloud your mind, I want you to think back to happier times.......Back to bathtime at the Quinn house. Maybe 8 is a little old to take a bath with your sister, how can you be responsible for those feelings? I blame your mom...........Or back to middle school when you used to burst into Laura’s room hoping to catch her in just the right state of undress. Think back to the times it worked. Nice!........... Think back to high school when Laura used to ‘accidentally’ leave the bathroom window open while you were outside mowing the lawn. Like she didn’t want you to look. She knew you could see right in while she was shaving her legs and soaping up her muscular breasts.



"MOM! Brady took a picture of me on the toilet again"


I hope that practice at this technique will allow you to find a way to block out the bad thoughts when they pop up. We are going to save the best visual for the day of the workout. After you finish with Jeff, I want you to spend a few minutes alone..........I want you to think back to that special day. You know the one I’m talking about........

The night before Thanksgiving, your freshman year of college. The night that you and Laura got caught up in the booze-addled nostalgia of the night. How can someone be so tender, yet so uninhibited??? It had to be because it was you.......Think about her gentle touch on your balls.... the sound of your fingers sliding in and out of her dripping love mound.....the smell of her musk........the look of pleasure/pain on her face during that special moment where your souls melded in mutual ecstasy.....

If you practice enough, you will be able to transplant yourself to that time, when everything was right with the world. I will be goddammed if your passes aren’t crisp, your decisions aren’t solid, and your mind isn’t limber.

Now, you may be asking yourself

‘Why would he be helping me? He’s a Lion’s fan AND he knows I suck. If my workout goes well, the Lions might draft me. They are run by nitwits.’

You must consider the following:

In a perfect world, the Tiger's 2006 season made Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick realize that a successful sports team offers countless new opportunities to raid the city’s coiffures. Realizing this, he has sent the Kwame Mafia to kidnap Matt Millen and replace him with Alex Karras. Like William Clay Ford would notice.

Karras would then do the right thing and trade down with the Lions’ #2 pick. A good workout from you could go a long way toward enticing a would-be buyer. I'm sure Karras would throw in Webster's autograph, and a pair of Susan Clark's soiled panties for good measure.

Of course, this is farfetched. But I have learned one thing as a Lions fan. A quarterback bust is a lot more fun to watch (and write about) than an offensive tackle bust.

So Brady, let me be the first Detroiter to welcome you to town. I’ll even come down to South Bend and help you make the short trip up I-94. I've made the trip before. A good workout from you could light up Millen’s eyes, ensuring your place alongside Chuck Long and Andre Ware in Lions lore.

I can't wait.

Love,

Dr. Blackstones

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3 Comments:

  • At 2:37 PM, Blogger Awful Chief said…

    Mongo only pawn... in game of life.

     
  • At 7:33 PM, Blogger Arnie "The Beekeeper" Solomon said…

    Dear Dr.
    Thank you and welcome to the fray. This post will mark the dividing point in the "check out my hemi" calendar, as July 17, 2007 wil be now January 1, 0000 AB (Anno Blackstoni). Speaking of raiding the city's coiffures, Lets hope (dont call me Greg) Brady does something about that gawdafful fopish "yeah I go to a catholic school but I still party" hairstyle well in advance of his arrival in The D. If not, Kwame's mafia could touch him in a way that makes him feel very uncomfortable. But, on second thought, I guess his choice of colleges would indicate that these types of encounters may be somewhat welcome.

     
  • At 1:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Chiff,
    The content here is reminiscent of the most vile noahlities.

     

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