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Friday, January 26, 2007

Now is the Time to Dry Up This Stream of Crimes

It can happen anywhere, from gas stations to Starbucks. From your favorite team's enormo-dome to your office building. From your favorite bar to the county court house. Some places, like airports or rest stops are notorious for it. Unless you are drunk out of your mind, it is impossible to occur in your home if you are the sole resident. If you grew up in an Irish Catholic household, you almost certainly have been a victim and/or perpetrator. If you grew up in India, it has probably never happened to you. Women can be victims, but usually only in residences and small shops or restaurants. Perpetrators generally attack when they know that they can't be caught, although there is no law against this heinous act. If it has already happened, the likelihood of further violation to occur before repair increases dramatically, as shame has then been removed, and shame is the only real deterrent along with general decency and respect for others. To reduce the occurrence of this despicable act, the there needs to be a greater chance of incurring great shame if caught.

Thomas Crapper (1836-1910)

It is not known when the first male pissed on a toilet seat. Probably soon after Thomas Crapper's marvelous invention was introduced, someone urinated on the seat because he either
wanted to spite someone he knew would be next to use it or was too drunk to realize what he was doing.

Once a seat is pissed on, and the offender has escaped, there really is no point in lifting the seat to urinate. This is unfortunate, but true. If you're not the poor bastard that has to clean up the seat, you're probably going to try to just piss through without worsening the task for the defecator. Lifting the seat at this point, despite being a good natural reaction, only deepens the level of disgust and disappointment for the pooper, who pulls the seat down thinking that up = clean. <start of digression> I'm not really sure how other people do this, but if you raise or lower a seat with your hand as opposed to the sole of your shoe, you should practice this move until you have it down. There is never a need to put your hand directly on a toilet seat. Your ass is the only part of you that should ever come in contact with the seat in a public rest room, and if you're the type who lays out tp or a paper seat cover, that isn't even a necessary contact (you could catch the AIDS after all, right???) <end of digression>. It's strange, but you could be peeing with the already micturated-upon seat down and be shaking your head in disgust and saying to yourself something like "Some people...what a classless bastard". I mean, if you found the corpse of an animal that had been violated, would you start violating it thinking that it was somehow now fair game? I hope not.

You may be expecting a great (or crappy, ho ho ho!) solution to now be presented. You would be mistaken, sir or madam. While it would provide dream jobs for countless number of subscribers to toilet cam websites, security cameras are too expensive to implement and then there's the whole privacy violation thing. If there was a gage that could be installed to sound an alarm when the stall door opens while a seat is still wet, that would work but I don't think the technology for that is cheap enough yet, if it even exists. If you are in the plumbing/sanitation technologies field, a truly noble calling, please continue supporting research in seat piss prevention. You could become world famous like my hero, Thomas Crapper.

Bon Weekend!

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  • At 3:01 PM, Blogger Sarah said…

    Let me give you my rant from the female perspective:

    Ladies, if you walk into a public restroom and decide that your thighs are to too sacred to touch the surface of the toilet seat, than do us all a favor and lift the seat before you hover. We all know that when you hover, you piss all over the place, thereby rendering the seat completely unsittable for the rest of us. There is not one female out there who has perfected the art of hovering so that their piss doesn't splash and spray all over the seat. So please, before you hover, lift the seat and piss all over the bowl - no one sits there! You insist that your boyfriends, brothers and spouses lift the toilet seat - why don't you follow your own advice?

  • At 3:42 PM, Blogger Awful Chief said…

    I had no idea. This is the kind of knowledge sharing that makes the big series of tubes, aka the internet, great.

  • At 3:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    What a timely post! I was in Charlotte Douglas International Airport just yesterday catching a connecting flight back to DC. One great thing about CLT is that you can smoke in all of the bars. The entire concourse smells like an ashtray.

    I spent my time waiting for the flight in a bar drinking beer and chain smoking. This activity unlocked my bowels and I made a pit stop in the bathroom before boarding my flight.

    Surprisingly, CLT's forward thinking policies with regard to smoking contrast sharply with the state of their restrooms. I was unable to find a single toilet seat worthy of receiving my ass.

    I don't put my ass on a pedastal. Ass residue is by definition unsavory so if I settle in and find that the seat is a little sticky I don't worry too much, but these stalls were a complete mess. The seat and the area surrounding the toilet were stinking and stained.

    After poking my head into most of the stalls I saw a guy coming out of one of them. I generally try to avoid having an opening act in these situations but I thought that maybe he'd found the one stall that was acceptable. I was horrified to find that this stall was as bad as all the others. Whoever had recently made use of it must have had dysentery.

    I ended up pissing in a urinal doing that thing where you relax your anal muscles enough to allow you to piss without unleashing feces. My brother Marc refers to this act as The Turtle. I held that shit in until I got home. Fortunately it was a short flight.

    How do we fix this problem that Awful Chief has identified? I think its pretty simple. Just make the electronic eye that automatically flushes also raise the seat.

    The Battleship


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