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Friday, February 02, 2007

A Lifetime of Hating

For as long as I can remember, I have been a hater. Fuck GI Joe. I was for Cobra. They were way cooler. Their leader, Cobra Commander, had a really bad ass silver face. It really sucked watching Cobra lose in every episode growing up. Sometimes they had two-part episodes where they would tease me into thinking that Cobra had to win the second part, but it never happened. In one episode I remember one of the female GI Joe characters, probably Scarlett, grabbing the underpants off of one of those generic Cobra soldiers after some other GI Joe guy beat the crap out of him and took his uniform to go undercover or something. That Bitch! That fucking really pissed me off. I remember waking up in the middle of the night furious. It was totally unnecessary. The male Joe guy already had the poor soldier's uniform and the guy was totally unarmed. He was running away and everything, and while running away, that bitch somehow reaches out and snatches his underpants off of him. He runs away in shame, and she just stands there, holding the white underpants out, laughing. God, I wanted to do the same thing to her, in a nonsexual way as I was well under the age of ten. That fucking bitch needed to be humiliated.

Anyhoo, my hating continued with other favorite after school cartoons such as Transformers (I was pro-Deceptacon) and He-man (Skelator and castle grayskull ruled), as well as with characters like Ivan Drago in Rocky IV. My favorite part of the Rocky series was without a doubt the death of Apollo Creed.

If you know me at all, you know that I am a Lions fan. I have written extensively how it sucks to be a Lions fan and that nobody ever chooses to be a Lions fan and that being stuck rooting for the Lions is like being forced to stand up in front of a classroom in high school with an unwanted erection that you cannot hide. Looking back on my history of rooting for losers I am not so sure about all of this. I mean, I must have chosen to root for all of those loser cartoon villains, right? I don't think so. I didn't choose to root for them any more than a homosexual chooses to engage in hot, sweaty, physically exhausting, power seizing and relinquishing, santorum producing sex with men instead of good old fashioned penis-in-vagina sex with women. Somehow I think I was just born into cheering for losers. Unlovable losers. There is nothing Chicago Cub-like about the Lions. Matt Millen is not cute. Cubs don't get killed while at home gardening and Cubs don't retire in the prime of their career because they just can't stand it any more.

I grew up about 90 miles outside of Chicago in Southwest Michigan, far enough from Detroit that if you were born there, which I was not, there was no reason to grow up rooting for the Lions. This was Bears country. It was split between Michigan and Notre Dame, but that was understandable. Both were good. The Lions sucked and Detroit was twice as far away as Chicago, so folks in my town were Lions fans only if they had to be, meaning they were born in the Detroit area or had family ties to the area. I moved from metro Detroit to Michiana when I was five, so I was stuck.

The first pro football season I can remember anything of was 1985. I was in the second grade. All of the students and teachers were obsessed. I remember one of the teachers seriously considering signing over her paycheck to another teacher for an autographed 8x11 photo of Willie Gault. Maybe it was Walter Payton--I can't remember. I was not with this. I watched Super Bowl XX in disgust. I really really wanted the Patriots to win, and not just because my parents were both from New England. I wanted the Bears to lose, just because...because FUCK THE BEARS and all of their happy fans, that's why.

This great joy of watching the "good guys" lose has not left me, although gambling has forced me to pull for them occasionally. In my heart of hearts, though, I still want to see them lose. Because of this, I am turning my hating to the Indianapolis Colts. Why? Because watching Payton Manning make the Payton Manning face (scroll down a little bit in the link) is fucking priceless. Watching that man make that face is what every purebred hater dreams of. It's the face you don't remember players like Joe Montana make often enough. It's the face that a real hater wanted to see on Walter Payton after Super Bowl XX. So despite hating on the Bears back then, I am not contadicting myself by rooting for them on Sunday. Really, I am just hating on the team most deserving of my hating, the Colts.

Bon Weekend!

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