Sucking the Kiln Cock Dry


I have so much respect for you...Hey Brett, guess what? I had a streak too! Second longest streak in Redskins history! Brett, wait up, don't get down on yourself. You're not thinking about John Madden right now, are you Brett? Please, look at me. Don't deny my manlove!

Hooray for the entertaining MNF game last night! Sure, there were six interceptions, but it was a close game at least...to the spread anyway. I stayed up all the way to the finish because of a tight fantasy match I was in. Going into the game, I had a 7 point lead on my opponent with Shaun Alexander going for me and Jarremy Stevens and Driver going for him. Although Stevens and Driver both had solid fantasy games, Alexander was too much of a monster, finishing with 201 yards on 40 carries.

Shaun Alexander plays football like a NASCAR driver. Almost every time they hand the ball to him, he turns left at high speed. Even though he does this almost every time, it somehow still works. When he cuts outside to the left he ends up with a five to twelve yard pickup without fail. It will be interesting to see whether Denver will overload his left side and whether it will even matter.

While the Shaun Alexander performance was impressive, as was the snowy weather, neither of them will be what I most remember about the game, nor will the shitty first half Hasselbeck performance. What really stood out for me was the game-long cock sucking of Brett Favre by the MNF commentators. It's not like it takes Joey T much to warm up to Brett's snow-induced erection, but he was really gagging on it last night. He probably had to pick Brett's pubes out of his nostrils this morning. He probably hat to rub some Blue Star ointment on his chin due to the severe chafing the sack-to-chin contact caused. Kornheiser, when not tongue massaging Favre himself, was doing a phenomenal job of setting it up for Joe T and Steve Young last night until even they had enough of the Kiln cock. After the first of two int's deep in the fourth, even "Thunder" Thiesman (Berman, you sicken me*) said "now that's just a bad pass". Kornheiser responded with one of those "that's just Brett being Brett...can't hold back the gunslinger!" comments.

Favre reminds me of Orkin, the town rapist in Borat's home town... "Naughty naughty! Not too much raping--and humans only!" Even though the Packers had a chance to get within one score late in the fourth quarter with Seattle content to settle for 3 and outs to use up clock, I just knew that Favre was going to try to jam it into double coverage, like a certain other quarterback likes to do things, and it would end up being intercepted. It's amazing how predictable this is! And when he does it, it's ok! Wild horses can't be tamed. Commentators try to convince you that you're fucking lucky that he loves the great game of football enough to have stuck around another year for you to see this glorious interception. When is the last time Brett Favre led his team to a come from behind win at the end of the game? Seriously, it must have been years ago or I would have remembered the post-game ass-to-mouthing by the likes of Sean Salisbury and Merrill Hodge on Sportscenter.

The line of the night was delivered by booth guest Jimmy Kimmel:

"Wow, it's great to be here. This is my first NFL game in the snow, and Brett Favre's playing...I only wish John Madden was still alive to see this."

Indeed! I'm sure wherever the Madden Cruiser was last night, he was in the bedroom with the door closed, pleasuring himself while watching BF chuck it deep downfield on the tv, maybe even with a window open to make him feel like he was at the game. Or maybe just to keep his body temperature down to a safe level.

* The worst thing I heard all night was Chris Berman at halftime saying Joseph "live and let" Addai during his shitty halftime segment. Fuck you, Chris Berman. You give us nothing. For all of your stupid nicknames I hope you are sentenced to spend the rest of your life on Cold Pizza without the possibility of even moving to ESPN News or EXPN or ESPNU.