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Sunday, February 04, 2007

Too Close to Call...Why Ft. Wayne would have been appropriate

The American Midwest is a cornucopia of for
gettable little hamlets, sprung out of farmers fields to contain an uncountable number of big-box stores, unused factories and indistinguishable strip malls. I, like a large number of Americans, come from one of these towns, that has a population of roughly 200,000 (and shrinking daily), and serves little purpose other than a fertile ground for test-marketing of products and the seat of the state government. This was why, I was somewhat interested in Tony Dungee's comment that Ft. Wayne would have been a good place for the Super Bowl, as it represents the halfway point between Chicago and Indianapolis. A few interesting facts about this hidden gem of I-69:

-Ft. Wayne was called the "Dumbest and Fattest City in America" by Men's Health Magazine in 2005. Im not sure where they finished in 2006, but, as any Detroiter or Clevelandian can tell you, once you've gotten that first championship (on the fat side, measured from a sheer tonnage and poundage standpoint), it gets in your blood and you just dont to be the squad that let down the tradition.

-Two inventions that inalterably changed the social institution of Super Bowl Sunday were dreamed up by Ft. Wayne products: The Television (by Philo T. Farnsworth who had to sue RCA, whose name ad
orns the venerable RCA Dome, Colts home field, in order to get credit for inventing the device), and the Breathilizer (by Robert F. Borkenstien).

-Former Steelers Cornerback Rod Woodson hails from the "Fort".

-The Fort is inpennatrable.

So, maybe Dungee had more foresight in suggesting this than he generally shows with some of his defensive schemes, which seem vulerable to the run, but what do I know, Im probably wrong.

With respect to the actual contest, well, what can we really say there? We have a case of the media trying to make us like what strike me as some fundamentally unlikable people, as always.

-Peyton Manning QB Indianapolis:
What Tony?! You dont want to be seen in public, its people like you that are hurting the movement!

This was certainly a toughy folks. For years, this guy has been a bit too easy to dislike. First of all, Senator, you're no Tom Brady. Secondly, nobody likes a rich kid, even if you are one. Third, well, theres something just kind of reassuring about his repeated inability to do anything memorable. Yet somehow, were getting all this clap-trap about class, intellegence etc. I don't think anybody's reversed their position (thogh we did have some great times together when you were my fantasy QB, and those will always mean something to me).

Brian Urlacher, LB Chicago
Take your chunky soup and shove it, Im the hungriest player on this field!

Now Ive heard that there are all types of paralells being drawn between the 1985 Chicago Bears defense and the one that will be taking the field today, mostly about thier strong linebacking corps, led by Mr. Urlacher. I guess this guy's a fine player and whatnot, but let me tell you, I speak for every stupid slob in this country when I say I have absolutley no interest seeing great play on defense, with the possible exception of somebody having to be carted off the field. Otherwise, Lets keep those touchdowns a-coming. Remember, I have an attention span of less than 5 seconds.

If you care, I like Chicago at +7. As to who wins, you dont care, and I wont pretend to.



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