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Monday, February 05, 2007

Rex Grossman Outplayed by 6'5" QB With Laser Rocket Arm Not Named John Navarre This Time

Remember the 2003 Outback Bowl, Rexy?

Cirque du Soleil:

The pre-game show was hilariously bad. I love how someone was paid, and paid handsomely, to decide to dress on-field band musicians in a full Cato June uniform, including the helmet. How exactly did they settle on Cato June? I would like to think that the French Canadian troupe watched a whole shitload of Colts game film and determined that Cato June, more than any other Colt, represented what Gloria Estefan described as a "high energy fusion of south Florida and football".
"Zut alors...quel homme de l'equipe d'Indianapolis CRIE sud de Florida?"
"Eh...monsieur Manning?"
"Mais Non! Monsieur Manning a un laser fusee bras, mais il est trop blanc et ennuyeux. Donnez-mois un homme avec plus d'energie et plus de couleur, un homme qui on ne serait pas tres supris de trouver baiser un prostituee au toilette !"

Jed Jacobsohn / Getty Images

Why did I enjoy this so much? My friend John knew.

"Are You Watching This?"
"U mean Cirque du Sogay?"
"Yeah. I love colossal failures."
"You are a Lions fan..."

It's a shame that Cirque du Soleil was not contracted to do the pregame show last year. Instead of a "high energy fusion of south Florida and football", we could have had the Detroit equivalent:

by Cirque du Soleil

Prince and them:
Prince was awesome. He could have played the Jay-Z "and wave, and wave, and wave" song and made it good. Everything he does is pure gold. While watching him I honestly stopped caring about the game. This, future half-time show planners, is the whole idea. Make me forget about football for twenty minutes while the Bears defense gets a much needed break.

The Football:
The game was exciting and shitty for a while, then boring and shitty. Rex Grossman was heaving the ball downfield with all the accuracy of a Ron Jeremy piss after a long day of work. His "passes" were reminiscent of those of former Oklahoma quarterback Josh Heupel.

The laser rocket armed one was by no means great, but did well with the anti-Rexy short passes to his running backs.

Everything I placed this weekend went to shit except for Manning -60.5 passing yards vs. Grossman. I pretty much hate myself. Let me know if you hear of any good teabagger jobs.

Where do we go now?

Football may be over, but we will be running 4-wide all year, delivering the troof in all of its rawness.

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