Midwest be cold. Need some of of those apple bottom jeans and boots with the furrrrr

Midwest be cold. Need some of of those apple bottom jeans and boots with the furrrrr

"For those of you traveling to South Bend, I apologize. The aircraft that we were told was on its way from the hangar – it looks like that was not actually on its way at that time, I apologize. We are still waiting on that aircraft, and right now we can’t get a straight answer on what the status is on it being ready for us.”

Back in the great American Midwest, sitting in the O’Hare airport’s F-concourse. More like the WTF concourse – huzzah! I tell you, it’s infuriating knowing that I am missing out on quality time I could be spending in Michiana. My mom could be showing me where they put the new YMCA right now. Instead I get to sit here with all these XXL bastards proudly wearing clothing bearing the name of their favorite baseball team. Never has the Midwest been so well represented in the baseball playoffs (note: it may have, I didn’t check). Two Chicago teams. Milwaukee. Even Minnesota got to be in a one game playoff. As a supporter of the last-place Tigers, I hope all of these teams lose in the first round. It’s football season and all this baseball support is downright embarrassing. Well you all can have fun watching your teams with their pitchers who can make it out of the first inning without giving up three runs and your hitters who live up to or exceed expectations. I’ll stick with my Detroit Lions. And look out for the hottest new Lions site coming soon: shityourpantsforthelions.com

…

Just boarded Amtrak in my hometown, heading across the southern part of the great lakes (and great times!) state. Destination: Ann Arbor, home of Arnie and the MastroV. My train got to the station an hour late, but I could not board for another half hour because there was a busted train on the other track at the station blocking the walkway to my train. As a veteran of Amtrak, this is not a surprising delay. Back in my college years I used to take this line frequently to and from home and school and grew to accept the tardiness. And really, who really cares about being on schedule when there are more important things on your mind like,

“I’m going to make a huge profit on this kilo of cocaine I’m transporting!” or

“Golly, this stolen newborn I’m going to sell when I get to Chicago sure isn’t making a peep in my big suitcase. He must really like sleeping on trains!”

Amtrak: Experience the journey Smuggler’s Choice.

Unlike most trips I’ve had down these tracks, the only thing I’m smuggling today is a multi-day load. Really gross, huh? Yuck. I’ve never owned or considered owning a blow-up doll that you can penetrate, but I’m guessing that some folks who do sometimes like to pull out early and serve up a facial on the inanimate object, perhaps with a VCR tape cued up just right to Marv Albert saying “FACIAL!” during an old NBA broadcast.

Anyway, I’ll be attending the Michigan vs Illinois game on Saturday. This is an intriguing game from a betting standpoint because it seems to me that it would be quite a headache setting a line for a game involving Michigan right now after that tale-of-two-halves performance against Wisconsin. Last I checked Michigan was a 2.5 point favorite. This is one of those games I can see them winning or losing by a couple touchdowns. So what’s the smart play? I’d say what you don’t want to do is a teaser, because you really shouldn’t be confident in either side keeping it real close. Probably a smart move is to look for one of those special Battleship-worthy adjusted lines with larger upsides. I’d lke to take both Michigan –12.5 and Illinois – 10 or whatever’s offered as long as each pays in the neighborhood of 4 to 1. Otherwise this is probably a good game to take a pass on unless you have a strong feeling about which Michigan team will show up.

Colts (-3) at TEXANS
I give up on those Texans. Andre Johnson is now on my fantasy bench, seated next to some of the league's most unproductive running backs.

RAVENS (+3) vs Titans
Too feel like royalty, wear purple corduroy pants while betting on the Ravens and sitting on a golden toilet seat.

Chargers (-6.5) at DOLPHINS
This game is a truck load of bags of masterlocks. I'm going big on this one.

Chiefs (+9.5) at PANTHERS
These teams are more mediocre than I thought a few weeks ago. 9.5 is way too many for me.

Redskins (+6) at EAGLES
This is going to be some good watchin'! Lots of classy fans at that game.

Bears (+3.5) at LIONS
Lock of the week part 2. Parlay parlay, 24-7 all day!

GIANTS (-7) vs Seahawks
It's so easy when good teams play bad ones.

BRONCOS (-3) vs Bucs
How about those Devil Rays? Baseball pants sure are long these days! In the military there are gays.

PATRIOTS (-3) at 49'ers
Just pretend like it's last year to reassure yourself.

Bills (+1.5) at CARDINALS
Also giving up on the cardinals. Can't keep that beak wet in the desert.

Bengals (+16) at COWBOYS
The cowboys are good but not deserving of this kind of line.

Steelers (+4) at JACKSONVILLE
Many injuries, but they'll just throw the ball and win.

Vikings (+3) at SAINTS
Both have flashy running backs but it will be the Vikings defense that wins this.