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Friday, September 26, 2008

Celebrate a Lions bye week by getting drunk and not getting pissed at the Lions

Last Week
Arnie: 8-8 (.500 season) A fine result in the juiceless world of this stupid blog
Doc Blackstone: 6-10 (.533 season) A decent record for a rebuilding team like the post-'57 Lions
AC: 6-10 (.533 season) Crappy, but bet the farm on the Cowboys so not a bad week.
Battleship: 6-10 (.333) Not a C-worthy performance from this ship

This past Tuesday I finished illness treatment and decided last night was a good one to do some drinking, with my best drinking buddy - me! Thanks to USC and the good OSU, I had sports to watch. Football sports. And yes, I did get a bet down on it. My USC -24.5 wasn't looking so hot at halftime so I went back in and took them -14.5 in the second half. After about seven minutes they were up 14-0 in that second half and I was feeling confident, and really drunk. As I got drunker, things got more USC punted several times in a row, then gave up a TD after the USC-senor quarterback threw an INT. I was feeling bad, and really really drunk. But I was given hope after their kicker donged it off the upright! Then USC charged down and got the TD I needed to get that extra point and win. I woke up with a horrible hangover and fat pockets so I took the virtual fat pocket pants off and went back to sleep.

After last week's terrible selections, I am not feeling confident. I would almost go as far as calling it a crisis in confidence. Bernake and Paulson need to throw me some bailout money or cocaine to restore that confidence.

1 O'Clockers

Broncos (-10) at CHIEFS
"Too many chiefs, not enough indians" is a fun thing to say. 10 is a big number for a road team to cover, but Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall are the best at their positions in the NFL and I think they will put up 40 points. Which is good because their defense will probably give up 25.

BENGALS (-3.5) vs Browns
I hate this game. Nothing is more boring sounding than two Ohio teams playing each other. The thought of sitting down and watching two Ohio teams play each other is about as exciting-sounding as watching these twins make out. I'll take the Bengals because they looked less shitty last week.

Texans (+7) at JAGUARS
There is no way this is going to happen, and that's exactly why I like the Texans to cover.

Cardinals (+1.5) at JETS
These mascots both like flying, but only one has a beak. Advantage Cardinals.

SAINTS (-5.5) vs 49'ers
Here's some advice: Bet against the team that beat the Lions last week. It's not all that impressive of an accomplishment and that win is priced into this week's line.

PANTHERS (-6.5) vs Falcons
It's kind of silly that US sports teams like having animal mascots. Of the animal mascots, these are two of the coolest. I wanted to start a club when I was in 1st or 2nd grade called the Panthers, so I'll take them in this one.

TITANS (-3) vs Vikings
I hate this game.

Packers (+1) at BUCS
Trust me, Al Harris isn't that big of a loss.

4PM Games

Bills (-8) at RAMS
"Dad, what's life insurance?"
"'s what you have that makes everything ok for you kids if something happens."
"Oh. Do we have life insurance?"
"Ha! Yeah, I bet the farm on the Bills to cover at the Rams this week."

Chargers (-7.5) at RAIDERS super nice to the homeless. enough about that game.

Redskins (+11) at COWBOYS
The cowmen are the best team in football. The redskins are maybe the 10th best. I'll take the points and strap on my Dallas hating strap-on and fuck a mannequin that represents TO.


Eagles (-3) at BEARS
I think I'll bet on NFC East teams every time they play another conference the whole season.


Steelers (-5) at RAVENS
I'm not sure if I'll be able to find a mannequin to represent Joe Flacco. I better go easy on the one I use Sunday.

Amateur outlook:

I can't wait to watch Alabama at Georgia. Both are fantastic teams. I'll take the 6.5 Alabama is getting in what should be a very close game.

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