Check out my HEMI

The sound is better than any piece of ass you'll ever have.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Hit the Hardwood While Driving Through the Lane

Yes, it's time once again to turn 8 percent of your sports attention to the the NBA. Yes, there will again be 82 games played by each team. Being a Pistons fan, the past several seasons have been a real hoot and I expect them to be good again this year. We will miss Ben Wallace's rebounds and defense, but on offense Big Ben is as awkward as Chris Berman doing live coverage of the British Open. Or Ben Wallace doing a post-game interview. Well, the short bus left for Chicago ISO big dollaz. Nazr, welcome. Someone show this man which way is East!

What really makes the NBA for me is the FANtastic trouble its players get into. The NBA has a rich history of arrests. Here's a fun puzzle to help get you ready for the season: match the tall lean man with the act for which he was arrested.

Darrell Armstrong. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Disorderly Intoxication
Mookie Blaylock. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Battery of Female Police Officer
Richard Dumas. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Failing to Pay Child Support
Tony Dumas. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Marijuana Possession
Joe Forte. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Kidnapping, Rape, Sodomy, and Burglary
Steve Francis. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Assault with a Deadly Weapon
Eddie Griffin. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Driving While Under the Influence
Darvin Ham. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Animal Cruelty
Vernon Maxwell. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Battery of Wife
Glenn Robinson. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Crack Cocaine Possession
Qyntel Woods. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Assault on Pregnant Woman
Sly Williams. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Marijuana Possession and Unlawful Possession of Firearm

Check the link above for the answers. One of these fine athletes, Eddie Griffin, somehow avoided getting arrested for some big league multitasking during the offseason.
Abed Hassuneh, who is the brother of the victim, said Griffin told him,
"That he was masturbating himself going down that street. That's how the
accident happened because he was not paying attention. He's paying attention to
that video and all of a sudden he's shoveled somebody's car on the top of the

Who among us hasn't risen above half-mast while driving drunk in the twin cities and thought about flippin' down the LCD and poppin' in a hot dvd? That's just called a young man livin' where I'm from.

Labels: ,

Return of the King?

The year 2005 was definitely the year of The was a fresh ad campaign that sent drunk football fans like me and my friends into a frenzy when the commercials appeared on television. BK sold out of the masks shortly after they became available on their web site.

I spent Halloween at a party in Berkely, CA and yes, I was The King. Everyone at the party wanted to try on the mask and it was so creepy that looking at everyone dance around with the damn thing on never got old. Seriously, if you can look directly at someone wearing it for 30 seconds there is something wrong with you. I complimented the mask with a pair of tights, a cape, and a big fucking gold chain that i found on the ground in downtown Oakland.

I returned to DC with some photos and attempted to explain how sweet it was being The King. My friends were pleased with the effort but were disappointed that they didn't get to see it it person.

Fast forward to March of this year. I was set to run in the inaugural National Marathon in DC. I wanted to have a really special finish to the race and give the hopefully large crowd something to remember. I decided that The King would be perfect. Because running the entire race with the mask on would have meant certain death, I recruited my buddy Adam to wait for me at the mile 25 marker with the cape and mask. The exchange was successful and there I was flying down East Capitol struggling to breathe through the mask while the cape flowed behind me majestically. There only ended up being about 1000 runners in this race, so the crowd was a bit sparse to say the least. But shit, seeing the looks of confusion, horror, and delight on their faces in the last 1.2 miles made the little stunt totally worth risking passing out from lack of oxygen.

So it's Halloween again. I ran in the Marine Corps Marathon, the real DC marathon, on Sunday morning so I never really had to pick a costume for the Saturday night bar/party romp. So what to do for tonight? I'm going to a party at some friends' house. There will be attractive young women there likely dressed in slutty costumes with the intent to arouse males in attendence. It would be pretty lame to not show up in something. Some items in my closet:

- platinum blond wig
- sheriff badge
- King mask and cape

Not so sure I want to go out and search for a cop or whore costume right after work, so signs are pointing to The King. But 2 years in a row? Plus, I can't remember if I washed the cape after the race. I think they want me to bring my turntables over to mix records and it may not be possible to wear the mask and headphones together. Some of the aforementioned females are known vegans and would likely take offense to a costume based off of a fast food chain ad campaign.

Eh, fuck it. The King it is. Smoking joints through the mouth hole is just way too much fun.
Why am I writing this?
1) Kissing Suzy Kolber started requiring commenters to have a blogger user name and password.
2) My employer took away access to all personal email sites.
=>find new way to waste time or start spending more time working

Labels: , , ,

Older Posts